isurvived

I KNOW it is not healthy to have such hateful feelings - but I HATE my XAH with a vengence!

I try to suppress the feelings, I really do. I try to stop my thoughts and think of better happy things...But it comes over me in waves.

I think back on ALL the selfish sneaky stuff he did to me and our family - and it just gets my blood boiling. I want revenge so badly it hurts. I find myself wishing bad things on him, really bad things like death. Maybe not uncommon - after all I've been through.

I hope my HP will understand, and cut me some slack. I'm not a vengeful person, except where my X is concerned.

I know this will pass.... and I know he'll have to answer to a HP as well, when it is all "said and done". That gives me solace to some degree - when I'm not having these hateful feelings!

suki44883

I hated mine for quite a while, too. But, the longer I was away from him the less and less I even gave him any thought. The very best revenge is a life lived well. These feeling will subside in time. Of course, my ex and I have been divorced for many, many years and now I just think he's an idiot.

blessed4x

I have those moments, too. Recently, they are much fewer and further between. I can't remember your timeline? Mine moved out in May....divorce final in July.

I'm fine until something comes up with the kids. Like the fact that he abandoned 3 of them and messes with the 4th one's head. His latest antic is texting the one he has contact with and asking if he's babysitting (his siblings) on a nightly basis. Son texts back "no".....I think he's getting fed up with him too. I get a little giggle out of it. Guess he's checkin to see if I'm dating....as if that's a priority right now. Uggghhhh!

Suki is right about the life well lived....and that's exactly what I'm doing.

Still Waters

mmmhhmmm

Every new tactic to mentally and emotionally abuse me, and I feel waves of pure hate for him.

kv816

I'm there too! lol I have many, many moments of hate towards him and my blood starts to boil too so I have to stop and think. I have to take a moment to think about what I'm feeling and settle those feelings so they don't ruin my day.

Usually, a few "hail marry's" of the serenity prayer do the trick for me. When I take that moment and resite the serenity prayer, I realize it's not HIM that I hate. I don't hate him--I love him with all my heart.

Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE:

I hate the verbal abuse, the accusations, the throwing things around the house when he's drunk and angry and can't control his temper. I hate the look in his eyes when he's spent the day drinking. I hate the way he drowns out his hurt with drinking and drugs. I hate the way his closest friends and family ignore him, leave him to himself to avoid all of this instead of stopping, looking at him and saying "hey, you have a problem". I hate the way he thinks everything is a conspiracy and the world is out to get him. I hate the way he hates me because (I have the COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN) I have standards for my life, my children's lives, what I will and will not accept in my life. I hate the way he calls me nonstop, day and night, because he wants to fight on the phone and I don't--so I choose not to answer the phone because the only thing I CAN change is not listen to it or let it get me down.

And each time that I have to do this, the WISDOM OF KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE comes to me and I learn more and more each day.

It's not HIM that I hate. It's the alcohol, the disease.

HanahGoodness

Just when we start to have a normal day, I think "Ok..I can live like this." Then he does something that is small, but mean, and not like a sane or balanced person at all, and I am reminded of how much I do hate his dark side. Somewhere there is someone for me who is kind, sure of himself without alcohol, and balanced. It isn't fair to think that this is what I'm forced to accept as normal in life.

The behavior is what we hate, not the person. Unfortunately, the behavior takes over and hides who he used to be.

MissFixit

This thread makes me laugh. I feel it too and struggle to overcome those feelings. People further down the road seem so at peace with their ex A's. I wish I was there.

Not sure if I hate him, today at least, as we are no contact. That helps. I did think I saw him on a street and my stomach dropped. Wasn't him, just a look alike. Don't know what stomach dropping indicates, but I didn't rubber neck to stare down the poor look alike. That is something. Baby steps.

Janitw

I don't know when my hatred for my xah subsided, but it did and I have been divorced now for almost 3 years...

I agree with the others to live and live well and have that info get back to the ex IS the best way to go....because then the ex has to say to themself look what I gave up for my drinking and drugs...

notbroken

I don't have an exAH, I have an AH. And right now, I'm feeling hate and disappointment. I just started Ala-non. I know I will get thru all this one way or another. Right now, I'm having myself a pity party, proably so wrong. But when I'm down writing this all down, I'm picking up the phone & scheduling a massage. An Alanon member told me to keep a journal, well this is my journal for today.

I feel so cheated. I am a happy, carefree person who usually lets things go. I don't usually let things stress me. This is the one stress in my life. I deserve to be loved! I deserve to love. I should be able to fully trust the person I love. I don't want to be second. I feel like alcohol is the mistress. I feel cheated on. I am so angry right now. I so want the anger to pass. Please tell me it does. Tell me that there are some A's that find sobriety again. My husband was sober for 7 years and fell off the wagon 2 months ago. Tell me there is hope. Most of the things I'm reading are so depressing. It's like I'm suppose to just accept he is an A, and I'm suppose to pretend that all is well & go about my merry life, like all is good. I'm suppose to re-arrange my life for him. Y should I leave my house when he is drunk or avoid him. I don't won't to provoke him. If this diesease was cancer or diabetes I would fight, fight to the core. I feel like an emotional train wreck. I truly hate the alcoholic him, but I love the real him. I know I need to focuse on the real him. I hate uncertainity. I hate being uncertain if he can or wants to be sober again. Right now, I just really needed to vent a lot of stuff. Maybe in the near future I can start saying what I love. But right now I hate what he is doing to himself, me, our daughters, our family. Alcoholism sucks!!!!!!!!! I wish there was a true cure for it. No family should have to go through this. I've said my peace, I'm going to go take a shower, pick up the phone & find a massage place that has an availability today. For an hour it is going to be about me & my happiness! Thanks for letting me sound off on this board. It helps to get it out of the system.

HanahGoodness

You sound like me...I too feel that I deserve to be loved and to give love. Right now, my AH doesn't see anything except what his immediate needs are. He refuses to accept what he has done...or is doing to his family. Actually, I think he accepts it, but won't admit it to us. Even in front of the therapist, he just goes through an "act". For me, I am in limbo...staying in the marriage to get him through this transition phase and to keep 2 incomes for my college bound kids, but giving myself deadlines to finally make the break. That is my issue...when is the right time?

You deserve to be happy. I guess, we all just need to decide when and how we are going to grab our happiness and own it for ourselves.

blessed4x

Just because you leave him does not mean he is not financially responsible for his children's education. Mine is. He is choosing to have no relationship with them, but he still has to support them. (((hugs))) You'll know when you know. Once I got to the point of filing for a divorce there was no doubt, no looking back. I never waivered in my decision. One day I wasn't sure when I would know that enough was enough, and the next I was sitting in an attorneys office with total certainty about what I was doing. For me, it was that cut and dried....I'm sure it's not for everyone, but it seems like I've heard from many that it goes just like that.

Jadmack25

I persevered for the last 5 years of the 27 that we were together, more in hope and for the family. He was a "lovely man" when family, friends and others were around but became a dead loss within minutes of it being just us.
He retired and then told me that plans for holidays etc we'd had for years, were off. He had his own secret bank account and that is where his Super had gone into and he would only pay for half the rent and our expenses, I could get a job to pay my share. His idea of retirement was to sit in our bar area and drink as he wished. He did that for a month, and I realised it was time to go. Our kids were married or engaged to do so and I had nothing to stay for with him now.

Within a week I had a flat, and he got the shock of his life when removalists arrived and took my possessions away. He called me for everything nasty, accused me of some weird things and commenced to drink himself into the strokes, and dementia that now has had him bedridden in a nursing home for the last 5 years.

I hated him for only a short while, then as I saw what was happening I had nothing but pity for him and still do.

covington

Notbroken-

I totally remember thinking this every time I went to Alanon. All two times. I was like, what are you saying? Someone who hurts me should be accepted as he is, and I'm what, supposed to ignore it? I'm supposed to just hang around and take it?

Wow, if I weren't mad already that just made me more mad. The only thing that made me less mad was detaching from him.

Now when I feel anger and disgust about how he "made me feel" or my anger and disgust about how he "ruined a really good thing" there's a little voice in my head now that says he didn't make me feel anything. He isn't making me feel anything. That's the voice that makes me feel sane again. I can go about my life like it's good. Because if I keep thinking about him I'm making myself feel rotten.

Tiny baby steps here for me, detaching from all my anger.

isurvived

Jadmack- I certainly see just how you felt then, and how you feel now. The cruelty of this addiction is so large, and so very hard to witness.

sosad2008

Here I am...back again as my husband is drinking heavily again...

Every day after work (sometimes work ends early as he works at home) he starts drinking beer until he is drunk and then he passes out.

Tonight I went into the living room and saw him there shirtless on the couch, head back, mouth open, snoring with his huge bloated stomach, a can of beer on the carpet and his laptop teetering on the edge of the sofa... A feeling of anger, disgusted and repulsion came over me. I gave him a hard wack on the arm and told him to WAKE UP and GO TO BED. He jumped up and I proceeded to tell him that he was nothing more than a disgusting drunk. Usually, he is loud and dominaring and easily outyells me, but this time he was really too drunk to answer. He got up and went upstairs. By the time I walked upstairs he was in bed fast asleep. I turned on the light and stared at him. He eventually woke up and ordered me to turn off the light. I just stared at him feeling helpless and hopeless and I just started to cry. He didn't hear me because he was already fast asleep.

Sometimes I feel so upset that I have to accept this life. Remember when Princess Diana use to say there were 3 people in her marriage. Well in my case there is one. Me. The last time he started doing this he eventually ended up in the hospital. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Still Waters

Sosad,

You can't stop him from drinking, but you can stop the misery you're living in.

You don't have to settle for less than you deserve, and you deserve much much more than this.

TakingCharge999

notbroken

I'm supposed to re-arrange my life for him.

No, you are supposed to re-arrange your life for you.

AWEDA

For me I hate what he did to my children. The void he has left in their lives will never be filled. You only get one father and my children have one of the worst.
Looking back, I can now see all the lies and manipulation he did to all of us,I was too blind at the time to see what was going on. He has been away from us for over two years but the pain of knowing my children will never have a healthy relationship with their father makes me hate him today.

All I can do as their mother is be the best possible parent I can be,the true victims in all this madness are the children,and for that I am having a very hard time forgiving him.