A couple of things
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
A couple of things
There are a couple of things I have been mulling over in my head lately. And I was thinking today why not mull them over with others who understand 
One is my FIL wants to buy a breathalizer. He wants to check AH at all hours of the day or night. I explained to him that it wasn't needed for me. That it is not good for my recovery to chase AH around to see if he is drinking or not. I compared it to looking for empties. I told him when AH found recovery we would all know. FIL just didn't get it. He said that he would buy it and test him and let me know. I am not sure how to explain this to him better. I suppose he is just not able to hear it b/c he is not as far along in his recovery as I am???
Another is AH is really anxious about the legal seperation that I filed for (our court date is in October). He is trying to be on his best behavior. He even left a website open on his computer while we were visiting him yeaterday. He had posted about trying to get sober. I am sure it was done purposefully so I could see/read his post. There is no part of me that doubts that every morning when AH wakes that he wants to quit his disease. But unfortunately he doesn't get the help he needs to do it succefully.
It is so difficult cause I am trying to move forward with my life. I am going to be moving into a house with the kids soon (yeah we will be out of this apartment)!! I am starting to work from home. And yet I can't let go of the idea that AH and I may get back together. Part of me is DONE really, most of me is. I have this hang up about divorce though. I never saw myself going through one. I keep feeling like if I do I will have broken my promise to God. I dunno? It is really hard. I signed up for a divorce care class at one of the local churches. Maybe I will find the insight that I need there? It is so hard. If we were just dating I really think I would have left him long ago. I just really don't know when to call it quits.
One is my FIL wants to buy a breathalizer. He wants to check AH at all hours of the day or night. I explained to him that it wasn't needed for me. That it is not good for my recovery to chase AH around to see if he is drinking or not. I compared it to looking for empties. I told him when AH found recovery we would all know. FIL just didn't get it. He said that he would buy it and test him and let me know. I am not sure how to explain this to him better. I suppose he is just not able to hear it b/c he is not as far along in his recovery as I am???
Another is AH is really anxious about the legal seperation that I filed for (our court date is in October). He is trying to be on his best behavior. He even left a website open on his computer while we were visiting him yeaterday. He had posted about trying to get sober. I am sure it was done purposefully so I could see/read his post. There is no part of me that doubts that every morning when AH wakes that he wants to quit his disease. But unfortunately he doesn't get the help he needs to do it succefully.
It is so difficult cause I am trying to move forward with my life. I am going to be moving into a house with the kids soon (yeah we will be out of this apartment)!! I am starting to work from home. And yet I can't let go of the idea that AH and I may get back together. Part of me is DONE really, most of me is. I have this hang up about divorce though. I never saw myself going through one. I keep feeling like if I do I will have broken my promise to God. I dunno? It is really hard. I signed up for a divorce care class at one of the local churches. Maybe I will find the insight that I need there? It is so hard. If we were just dating I really think I would have left him long ago. I just really don't know when to call it quits.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
1 Its between FIL and AH, but if you don't want to participate on this (I agree its not healthy!!!!!!!!) ask FIL not to tell you his findings.
2 Yes, AHs are known because of their empty promises. Actions, Daisy, actions. In some time (months, minimum I would say) you can see what he has done, if he is serious and reconsider... I have noticed when I live in the past or the future I suffer a lot and achieve nothing.
The promise to God is to take good care of yourself!! when you got married the promise involved taking care of the other person, cherishing the other, etc. and AH has not done that.
God loves you and "he" does not want to see you suffer or walking on eggshells anymore.
Keep taking care of you!!!!
2 Yes, AHs are known because of their empty promises. Actions, Daisy, actions. In some time (months, minimum I would say) you can see what he has done, if he is serious and reconsider... I have noticed when I live in the past or the future I suffer a lot and achieve nothing.
The promise to God is to take good care of yourself!! when you got married the promise involved taking care of the other person, cherishing the other, etc. and AH has not done that.
God loves you and "he" does not want to see you suffer or walking on eggshells anymore.
Keep taking care of you!!!!
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
You are so right. I keep telling myself over and over to watch his actions and I also keep telling myself "if you have one foot stuck in yesterday and the other in tomorrow than you are pissing all over today." I am really having trouble getting my foot out of yesterday. Somedays I feel like I may have to cut part of it off I really feel like my Faith is tieing (sp?) me to him. I feel like I need to breakthrough something to be free, but I don't know how to do it.... how to get there
am I making any sense?
I really feel like my Faith is tieing (sp?) me to him. I feel like I need to breakthrough something to be free, but I don't know how to do it.... how to get there am I making any sense?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Okay (((((Daisy))))) let's slow down a bit here. You are "awfulizing" and "what ifing" about things in the future.
Right now, all you are doing is getting yourself in order for the move and the 'legal separation.'
None of us know what the future holds. There is a 50/50 chance that he will find recovery, work on himself, and you two will get back together. There is a 50/50 chance that he won't find recovery and you won't get back together.
I have found for me that it is better to stay in TODAY. And if it should come to a divorce further down the line, I believe that the divorce care class you have signed up for will help you with the dilemma you have about divorce. I personally do not believe that HP has ever expected us to stay with an active, abusive alcoholic and to subject our children to one.
I am glad to see you are 'beyond' the breathalizer that your FIL wants to get. Yes, you are further along in your recovery than he is. You know and have learned the 'futility' of doing those actions. Guess your FIL will have to learn from his own experience rather than yours.
Please continue to post and let us know how you and the kids are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Right now, all you are doing is getting yourself in order for the move and the 'legal separation.'
None of us know what the future holds. There is a 50/50 chance that he will find recovery, work on himself, and you two will get back together. There is a 50/50 chance that he won't find recovery and you won't get back together.
I have found for me that it is better to stay in TODAY. And if it should come to a divorce further down the line, I believe that the divorce care class you have signed up for will help you with the dilemma you have about divorce. I personally do not believe that HP has ever expected us to stay with an active, abusive alcoholic and to subject our children to one.
I am glad to see you are 'beyond' the breathalizer that your FIL wants to get. Yes, you are further along in your recovery than he is. You know and have learned the 'futility' of doing those actions. Guess your FIL will have to learn from his own experience rather than yours.
Please continue to post and let us know how you and the kids are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Well HP stepped in yesterday. I always seem to get just what I need.
AH and I have been seperated almost 8 months. He is seriously breaking down. He left me a voicemail last night which I perceived as a threat. I called the police.
Shortly after the police left AH showed up at my Apt. I didn't answer the door and so he sat on my back deck. I called the police back. They came and arrested him for driving on a suspended license. The car I drive will be impounded b/c it is in his name. BUt I have my old clunker back and I am happy.
I am definately getting to a meeting today
AH and I have been seperated almost 8 months. He is seriously breaking down. He left me a voicemail last night which I perceived as a threat. I called the police.
Shortly after the police left AH showed up at my Apt. I didn't answer the door and so he sat on my back deck. I called the police back. They came and arrested him for driving on a suspended license. The car I drive will be impounded b/c it is in his name. BUt I have my old clunker back and I am happy.
I am definately getting to a meeting today
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Daisy,
Thanks for the update. HP can do for us what we can't or won't do for ourselves! I'm proud of you for taking steps to protect yourself! You are an inspiration.
I took a course, sponsored by a church, and it was based on a book by Bruce Fisher. "Rebuilding: When our relationships end" (i think). It was helpful after my marriage to my first husband ended. Divorce was not in my family tree. (I could have used Al Anon too but still didn't know about alcoholism) It was very helpful. I was able to explore my different emotions and feelings with a group of people going through the same things. These feelings and emotions were unique to me and identifying them was an important part of recovering.
In my ongoing recovery, I was able to find a copy at my library and re-read it earlier this year. Very helpful.
Keep taking care of yourself :ghug3
Peace and hugs!
Thanks for the update. HP can do for us what we can't or won't do for ourselves! I'm proud of you for taking steps to protect yourself! You are an inspiration.
I took a course, sponsored by a church, and it was based on a book by Bruce Fisher. "Rebuilding: When our relationships end" (i think). It was helpful after my marriage to my first husband ended. Divorce was not in my family tree. (I could have used Al Anon too but still didn't know about alcoholism) It was very helpful. I was able to explore my different emotions and feelings with a group of people going through the same things. These feelings and emotions were unique to me and identifying them was an important part of recovering.
In my ongoing recovery, I was able to find a copy at my library and re-read it earlier this year. Very helpful.
Keep taking care of yourself :ghug3
Peace and hugs!
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