More will be revealed...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
More will be revealed...
Now more than ever I am convinced that a Higher Power is watching over me... Two things happened:
#1: Last night I had pretty much chickened out from confronting my husband to talk, and came home chipper as always and geared up to cook dinner and act like everything was fine. But something happened. Husband said "We need to talk."
In a nutshell he says he can't live this way anymore. That it's unacceptable. The deal breaker for him is now that I am allowing my 18 year old son to sleep at our house instead of making him stay at his dad's a mile away. My son comes home late, scampers upstairs, is not a ditsurbance, and doesnt interact with my husband at all. My husband says its annoying, that "that wasn't the deal" when he married me 3 years ago (Meaning the kids are supposed to be at their dad's half the time). Mind you I never "made a deal" about this! And he said that he doesn't want to be a stepfather. (Funny, there is so little interaction between the two so I don't get why he's saying that). There is no conflict, no disrespectful behavior in our home on anyone's part. The problem according to my husband is that they are there at our house. I understand this largely stems fromt he fact that my husband feels guilt or jealousy that his own kids aren't staying at our house, but that is not something I can address.
My therapist helped me prepare my statement, and I told my husband: "We are just going to have to disagree on this one. I like having my kids here, it makes me happy." He said I just can't live like this anymore. I nodded and said OK. And the talk was over.
#2. When I woke up this morning a thought came to my head. Probably as a result of the pain I have been experiencing the last several months...intense anxiety, sleeplessness, heart racing, near panic attack...This thought: The only person I have to worry about pleasing is my higher power. And my only responsibility to others and myself (as God would like me to do) is to be kind, courteous and respectful. And I am doing that. That my husband is unhappy is NOT MINE TO FIX. I can't and I WON'T kepp tryign to jump through hoops to make him happy. It's a moving target. Where this will go I do not know.
I APPRECIATE THIS FORUM SO MUCH!!! I called my sponsor and another alanon freind last night and left messages, but haven't had a chance to talk to them yet. I still feel anxious today ache in my stomach, diarhea etc...but...I am trying to focus on tasks, and plan to go to a meeting tonight
#1: Last night I had pretty much chickened out from confronting my husband to talk, and came home chipper as always and geared up to cook dinner and act like everything was fine. But something happened. Husband said "We need to talk."
In a nutshell he says he can't live this way anymore. That it's unacceptable. The deal breaker for him is now that I am allowing my 18 year old son to sleep at our house instead of making him stay at his dad's a mile away. My son comes home late, scampers upstairs, is not a ditsurbance, and doesnt interact with my husband at all. My husband says its annoying, that "that wasn't the deal" when he married me 3 years ago (Meaning the kids are supposed to be at their dad's half the time). Mind you I never "made a deal" about this! And he said that he doesn't want to be a stepfather. (Funny, there is so little interaction between the two so I don't get why he's saying that). There is no conflict, no disrespectful behavior in our home on anyone's part. The problem according to my husband is that they are there at our house. I understand this largely stems fromt he fact that my husband feels guilt or jealousy that his own kids aren't staying at our house, but that is not something I can address.
My therapist helped me prepare my statement, and I told my husband: "We are just going to have to disagree on this one. I like having my kids here, it makes me happy." He said I just can't live like this anymore. I nodded and said OK. And the talk was over.
#2. When I woke up this morning a thought came to my head. Probably as a result of the pain I have been experiencing the last several months...intense anxiety, sleeplessness, heart racing, near panic attack...This thought: The only person I have to worry about pleasing is my higher power. And my only responsibility to others and myself (as God would like me to do) is to be kind, courteous and respectful. And I am doing that. That my husband is unhappy is NOT MINE TO FIX. I can't and I WON'T kepp tryign to jump through hoops to make him happy. It's a moving target. Where this will go I do not know.
I APPRECIATE THIS FORUM SO MUCH!!! I called my sponsor and another alanon freind last night and left messages, but haven't had a chance to talk to them yet. I still feel anxious today ache in my stomach, diarhea etc...but...I am trying to focus on tasks, and plan to go to a meeting tonight
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
My therapist helped me prepare my statement, and I told my husband: "We are just going to have to disagree on this one. I like having my kids here, it makes me happy." He said I just can't live like this anymore. I nodded and said OK. And the talk was over.
Oh, this is magnificent!! I know your stomach is in knots at the moment, but I hope you can see what a purely remarkable statement that is. You are an individual living in that home and you are entitled to your own needs and your own happiness. Not only did you own those right to his face, but you..without malice mind you..stated that as fact as well. Positively brilliant!! Your recovery is shining through on this one.
And this...
That my husband is unhappy is NOT MINE TO FIX. I can't and I WON'T kepp tryign to jump through hoops to make him happy. It's a moving target. Where this will go I do not know.
I could not agree more. A relationship should enhance each party's lives and enrich it not make a scapegoat out of the other or for that matter a show pony jumping fences for his amusement.
Part of addict behavior, that we all understand, is the need to find an excuse for the substance abuse anything but the real reasons, right? The problem du jour for your AH appears to be his unbearable living situation. If he's so unhappy, why doesn't he leave? I'm sure there's a reason for it, namely because he wants his world to accommodate him and his addiction not the other way around.
I commend you for making these steps in recovery. My nerves were on edge and I would have moments of complete hysteria at the thought of having any interaction beyond small talk with my XABF as I was going through it.
You can do this. Baby steps. One day at a time. We are rooting for you!!!
Alice
Oh, this is magnificent!! I know your stomach is in knots at the moment, but I hope you can see what a purely remarkable statement that is. You are an individual living in that home and you are entitled to your own needs and your own happiness. Not only did you own those right to his face, but you..without malice mind you..stated that as fact as well. Positively brilliant!! Your recovery is shining through on this one.
And this...
That my husband is unhappy is NOT MINE TO FIX. I can't and I WON'T kepp tryign to jump through hoops to make him happy. It's a moving target. Where this will go I do not know.
I could not agree more. A relationship should enhance each party's lives and enrich it not make a scapegoat out of the other or for that matter a show pony jumping fences for his amusement.
Part of addict behavior, that we all understand, is the need to find an excuse for the substance abuse anything but the real reasons, right? The problem du jour for your AH appears to be his unbearable living situation. If he's so unhappy, why doesn't he leave? I'm sure there's a reason for it, namely because he wants his world to accommodate him and his addiction not the other way around.
I commend you for making these steps in recovery. My nerves were on edge and I would have moments of complete hysteria at the thought of having any interaction beyond small talk with my XABF as I was going through it.
You can do this. Baby steps. One day at a time. We are rooting for you!!!
Alice
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Way to go, jehnifer. These steps forward sometimes don't come without a few butterflies in the stomach (for me, it was more like rhinos 
) but with practice, patience, and tenderness, you get used to doing it more, and the stress lessens.
Hugs,
GL
) but with practice, patience, and tenderness, you get used to doing it more, and the stress lessens.Hugs,
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Thank you all for the support
I feel horrible that he's not getting what he wants
I feel like I am abandoning him
I feel its percevied as cold and cruel
I wish I could take away his pain and discomfort
Yet...
I instead have to be true to myself first
I feel horrible that he's not getting what he wants
I feel like I am abandoning him
I feel its percevied as cold and cruel
I wish I could take away his pain and discomfort
Yet...
I instead have to be true to myself first
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by jehnifer 
Thank you all for the support
I feel horrible that he's not getting what he wants
I feel like I am abandoning him
I feel its percevied as cold and cruel
I wish I could take away his pain and discomfort
Yet...
I instead have to be true to myself first
I feel horrible that he's not getting what he wants
I feel like I am abandoning him
I feel its percevied as cold and cruel
I wish I could take away his pain and discomfort
Yet...
I instead have to be true to myself first
You are simply demanding to be an equal partner in your marriage.
And you can do this together if you want. See if there is a compromise that pleases you both - there often is, if both parties are willing. But he doesn't get to have it all his way.....your happiness is important too.
Hang in there and chase those negative thoughts away with a broom.
He's not dying, he's just not happening to get his way this very moment.
(remember Big Baby when you start picking on yourself this way)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
This is GREAT! Congratulations Jehnifer.
I seem to recall a similar post by someone recently how the recovering alcoholic stepfather did not want the woman's daughter over their house all the time either. Very strange and I thought there was something deeper to it than he was saying but your situation sounds a little different.
If this man you married didn't "want to be a stepfather" perhaps he shouldn't have married someone who had children. ??? Talk about self-centered. What did he think, your child would just magically disappear? Good work recognizing it for what it is!
I seem to recall a similar post by someone recently how the recovering alcoholic stepfather did not want the woman's daughter over their house all the time either. Very strange and I thought there was something deeper to it than he was saying but your situation sounds a little different.
If this man you married didn't "want to be a stepfather" perhaps he shouldn't have married someone who had children. ??? Talk about self-centered. What did he think, your child would just magically disappear? Good work recognizing it for what it is!
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