Whinge
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Whinge
The paperwork on my house ought to be completed at the end of the week. I'm busy house hunting, looking for somewhere for me and the cats and enjoying it despite the worry!
But... Now the end is getting closer STBXAH has started emailing me. We had split the stuff in the house when he left and he collected some but not all of it. He now wants to revisit that agreement since he doesn't think its 'fair' - he only wants me to be fair (
) - since as things stand I'm getting everything!:wtf2 Now he wants me to 'buy' his stuff from him. I've said no, I'd rather buy new. So he's started the emotional and verbal abuse - trying to make me feel guilty since he is the victim in all of this. According to him, I don't deserve half of everything, he put more (financially) into the house than I did, I stopped him taking his stuff, I stopped him seeing his cats etc etc. Its all crap. I'm just tired by it. He's trying to give me an emotional and verbal beating and it just isn't working any more. I don't feel guilty that he's an alcoholic who had an affair with another woman and left. I don't think many people would. All I've asked him in reply is 'What do you want?'. Now he's trying to use the cats as emotional blackmail, threatening to take 2 of the 4 just to get me to cave in. As a result, I'm getting angry at him again. Where's my detachment when I need it?!
Can I have a little bit of sympathy? Join me on my pity wagon? I know, I should stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. It ought to all be over by the end of Sept, I just have to hang on till then!
But... Now the end is getting closer STBXAH has started emailing me. We had split the stuff in the house when he left and he collected some but not all of it. He now wants to revisit that agreement since he doesn't think its 'fair' - he only wants me to be fair (
) - since as things stand I'm getting everything!:wtf2 Now he wants me to 'buy' his stuff from him. I've said no, I'd rather buy new. So he's started the emotional and verbal abuse - trying to make me feel guilty since he is the victim in all of this. According to him, I don't deserve half of everything, he put more (financially) into the house than I did, I stopped him taking his stuff, I stopped him seeing his cats etc etc. Its all crap. I'm just tired by it. He's trying to give me an emotional and verbal beating and it just isn't working any more. I don't feel guilty that he's an alcoholic who had an affair with another woman and left. I don't think many people would. All I've asked him in reply is 'What do you want?'. Now he's trying to use the cats as emotional blackmail, threatening to take 2 of the 4 just to get me to cave in. As a result, I'm getting angry at him again. Where's my detachment when I need it?! Can I have a little bit of sympathy? Join me on my pity wagon? I know, I should stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. It ought to all be over by the end of Sept, I just have to hang on till then!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Can this be handled by a lawyer so you are quack-free?
Perhaps this is bad advice, take it from someone who has never been married but.. if he wants his furniture or whatever stuff... I would gladly give it... its just stuff... at some point when ex owed me $$ I thought "whatever, take everything, just let me leave so I can get some peace" ...
Hang in there, you are doing very well!! As for the cats, I hope you can keep them all!!!! I would say, agree on taking them to a 3rd party, then have him take them for a weekend then turn them back to the 3rd party, and then you go grab them... but I know this ex would probably kidnap them...
Its funny how my cat, in 2 weeks has made me laugh and shared affection more than a human...
Whatever happens, remember even without stuff, cats whatever YOU will finally get PEACE!!
nothing compares to that!!! its priceless!!!! 
And they say you really know a person after a breakup, I guess its true....... remember its what they do... why do you expect anything different?
Perhaps this is bad advice, take it from someone who has never been married but.. if he wants his furniture or whatever stuff... I would gladly give it... its just stuff... at some point when ex owed me $$ I thought "whatever, take everything, just let me leave so I can get some peace" ...
Hang in there, you are doing very well!! As for the cats, I hope you can keep them all!!!! I would say, agree on taking them to a 3rd party, then have him take them for a weekend then turn them back to the 3rd party, and then you go grab them... but I know this ex would probably kidnap them...
Its funny how my cat, in 2 weeks has made me laugh and shared affection more than a human...
Whatever happens, remember even without stuff, cats whatever YOU will finally get PEACE!!
nothing compares to that!!! its priceless!!!! And they say you really know a person after a breakup, I guess its true....... remember its what they do... why do you expect anything different?
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Yeah TC, I've asked him what he wants in addition to what we agreed on and he can have it. He hasn't taken me up on that though. I think he just wants me to give him money and is trying to brow beat me into it. He doesn't really want the cats but it trying to use the threat of taking them to get me to agree to give him money. What with lawyers fees etc I just don't have any spare! He won't even tell me how much he wants. I said 'No' to his first request to buy his stuff so now he has to abuse me.
I've been brooding on this all morning. I picked up Co dependent No More during my break - I'm on my 3rd re reading of it - and read 5 pages that were talking to me about the situation right now. Spooky. In my edition they are pages 70-74, the last pages in chapter 6. Some of the things that hit home were:
'We don't have to take things so seriously..'
'We don't have to take other people's behaviours as reflections of our self worth...'
'We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self worth...'
'We don't have to take things so personally...'
'We don't have to take little things personally either...'
'We don't have to react. We have options...'
'Nobody made you feel...'
'You are not responsible for making other people see the light and you do not need to set them straight...'
I'm now picking apart how I feel about STBXAH's communications.
I spoke to him by phone last week about the offer on the house and he seemed reasonable - almost like the guy I used to know. Then I get these emails. I think I had a wee glimmer of hope that I could somehow begin having a rational conversation with him at some point in the future. So I had a slight expectation that the mud slinging was over, we could part ways and it would be all done! All this based on one phone call compared to his actual behaviour over the last 2 years - how deluded am I?
Somehow, I still want him to recognise that he isn't the victim in this. I know that he needs his sense of victimhood to fuel his excuses for drinking and to deflect any blame or responsibility from him. It is his way of coping. Hoping he will change that is me deluding myself. It ain't gonna happen!
I thought I had let go the need to get some sort of compassion/understanding/recognition/thanks/apology from him since I know it will never happen. My reaction to his quacking tells me that I haven't let go as much as I thought. It still hurts that he has demonised me into someone I don't recognise. Some part of me still thinks 'we spent 18 years together and this is what he thinks of me?'! Knowing that he is wilfully misrepresenting things to get his own way and to fit his own skewed perception of reality as he continues down the road of his alcoholism hasn't insulated me from this.
In some strange way, his opinion of me still matters.
I am still taking this personally.
I still want to set him straight and have him listen to my side of things for once and acknowledge the effort and work I've put in to getting the house sold etc.
I want...not an apology but more of a recognition of the hell he put me through before he left.
Wow. I didn't really realise all this before posting. Wanting this stuff is nuts. I will not get the external recognition from him. I need to make sure that I know within me that I am being true to myself. I need to be able to give myself my own recognition and to acknowledge just how much I have done and how much I have grown.
I will let it go. I will not be drawn into arguing. He will not bully me (but he is getting my cats over my dead body!!).
Thanks for letting me think out loud...
I've been brooding on this all morning. I picked up Co dependent No More during my break - I'm on my 3rd re reading of it - and read 5 pages that were talking to me about the situation right now. Spooky. In my edition they are pages 70-74, the last pages in chapter 6. Some of the things that hit home were:
'We don't have to take things so seriously..'
'We don't have to take other people's behaviours as reflections of our self worth...'
'We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self worth...'
'We don't have to take things so personally...'
'We don't have to take little things personally either...'
'We don't have to react. We have options...'
'Nobody made you feel...'
'You are not responsible for making other people see the light and you do not need to set them straight...'
I'm now picking apart how I feel about STBXAH's communications.
I spoke to him by phone last week about the offer on the house and he seemed reasonable - almost like the guy I used to know. Then I get these emails. I think I had a wee glimmer of hope that I could somehow begin having a rational conversation with him at some point in the future. So I had a slight expectation that the mud slinging was over, we could part ways and it would be all done! All this based on one phone call compared to his actual behaviour over the last 2 years - how deluded am I?
Somehow, I still want him to recognise that he isn't the victim in this. I know that he needs his sense of victimhood to fuel his excuses for drinking and to deflect any blame or responsibility from him. It is his way of coping. Hoping he will change that is me deluding myself. It ain't gonna happen!
I thought I had let go the need to get some sort of compassion/understanding/recognition/thanks/apology from him since I know it will never happen. My reaction to his quacking tells me that I haven't let go as much as I thought. It still hurts that he has demonised me into someone I don't recognise. Some part of me still thinks 'we spent 18 years together and this is what he thinks of me?'! Knowing that he is wilfully misrepresenting things to get his own way and to fit his own skewed perception of reality as he continues down the road of his alcoholism hasn't insulated me from this.
In some strange way, his opinion of me still matters.
I am still taking this personally.
I still want to set him straight and have him listen to my side of things for once and acknowledge the effort and work I've put in to getting the house sold etc.
I want...not an apology but more of a recognition of the hell he put me through before he left.
Wow. I didn't really realise all this before posting. Wanting this stuff is nuts. I will not get the external recognition from him. I need to make sure that I know within me that I am being true to myself. I need to be able to give myself my own recognition and to acknowledge just how much I have done and how much I have grown.
I will let it go. I will not be drawn into arguing. He will not bully me (but he is getting my cats over my dead body!!).
Thanks for letting me think out loud...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I would send him one final email
"Have your attorney contact my attorney, I am DONE."
He is QUACKING. He wants to change the agreement he signed because he sees dollar signs or in your case pound signs, lol
No reason to have further contact with him ................................... your peace of mind and serenity is more important. He can or he can have his solicitor put in writing to your attorney what he wants.
I am sorry the addiction is again rearing it's ugle head to give you drama and chaos.
Love and hugs,
"Have your attorney contact my attorney, I am DONE."
He is QUACKING. He wants to change the agreement he signed because he sees dollar signs or in your case pound signs, lol
No reason to have further contact with him ................................... your peace of mind and serenity is more important. He can or he can have his solicitor put in writing to your attorney what he wants.
I am sorry the addiction is again rearing it's ugle head to give you drama and chaos.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow Laurie's post hit the nail on the head.
It really could be that simple. And without his voice and his breathing down your neck you will find some pressure-free time to grow into your next step!
I can really relate to the need for him to see what all you've been carrying, struggling with, because of him and this relationship.
It took me a long time (2 years???) and over 6 mos of therapy to begin to loosen the grip on all the resentments, "need to make him see", "he should know", "he should acknowledge that I..." "it's like he has no idea!!" blah blah blah, etc etc etc, that I felt during and after my divorce.
It just took time.
And therapy.
And effort.
With the effort I grew to a place where I didn't need to hold on so tight to that stuff. I trust that it just took as long as it needed to take because once those feelings were gone they were REALLY gone. 100%. And I rarely am involved in situations anymore where I build up that level, that laundry list, of resentments, because of what I learned/changed about my habits of mind in that long process of letting go.
Keep doing what you're doing Bookwyrm- that stuff from Codie No More is very powerful- but one or two readings isn't enough and don't feel bad about that-- you're trying to change a lifetime's worth of automatic reactions-- so keep reading and repeating that stuff uintil it is second nature!
You've come a long way baby!
Big ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
peace,
b
It really could be that simple. And without his voice and his breathing down your neck you will find some pressure-free time to grow into your next step!
I can really relate to the need for him to see what all you've been carrying, struggling with, because of him and this relationship.
It took me a long time (2 years???) and over 6 mos of therapy to begin to loosen the grip on all the resentments, "need to make him see", "he should know", "he should acknowledge that I..." "it's like he has no idea!!" blah blah blah, etc etc etc, that I felt during and after my divorce.
It just took time.
And therapy.
And effort.
With the effort I grew to a place where I didn't need to hold on so tight to that stuff. I trust that it just took as long as it needed to take because once those feelings were gone they were REALLY gone. 100%. And I rarely am involved in situations anymore where I build up that level, that laundry list, of resentments, because of what I learned/changed about my habits of mind in that long process of letting go.
Keep doing what you're doing Bookwyrm- that stuff from Codie No More is very powerful- but one or two readings isn't enough and don't feel bad about that-- you're trying to change a lifetime's worth of automatic reactions-- so keep reading and repeating that stuff uintil it is second nature!
You've come a long way baby!
Big ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
peace,
b
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