Very jealous and possesive men
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Very jealous and possesive men
Hi All,
Anyone here with a very jealous and possesive man?????????????
Were they able to get well?
What are the stats on them getting well?
How do you deal with their sickness if you are with one?
Thanx
Ngaire
Anyone here with a very jealous and possesive man?????????????
Were they able to get well?
What are the stats on them getting well?
How do you deal with their sickness if you are with one?
Thanx
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Anyone here with a very jealous and possesive man????????????? I used to be and then I finally wised up.
Were they able to get well? No, and here it is 10 years later and I recently found out he was arrested last year in a domestic violence dispute. Nothing changed for him in all that time...only got worse.
What are the stats on them getting well?
How do you deal with their sickness if you are with one? You leave.
Were they able to get well? No, and here it is 10 years later and I recently found out he was arrested last year in a domestic violence dispute. Nothing changed for him in all that time...only got worse.
What are the stats on them getting well?
How do you deal with their sickness if you are with one? You leave.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
My advice...run for the hills! They don't just get better. You won't change him. If he's jealous, he can very easily become violent. Please don't put yourself in that position. Run!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
I was obsessed with harlequin novels when I was younger and always viewed possessiveness as a way a man proved his love or romantic.
Then I dated one. It's not romantic at all, it's annoying, scary and downright insulting.
Not to mention dangerous. Even after he broke up with me I still couldn't talk to another man without him getting worked up emotionally and losing it. And this was at work. It got so bad that I had to report him!
I don't think men like this change. They obviously view woman as property and I don't think that's a mindset that's particularly easy to shake.
Then I dated one. It's not romantic at all, it's annoying, scary and downright insulting.
Not to mention dangerous. Even after he broke up with me I still couldn't talk to another man without him getting worked up emotionally and losing it. And this was at work. It got so bad that I had to report him!
I don't think men like this change. They obviously view woman as property and I don't think that's a mindset that's particularly easy to shake.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'd also like to add that men like that are soul-sucking emotional vampires. I ended up isolated from friends/family, and was sure I wasn't worthy of anything better when it was reaching the end.
There was no shortage of physical, mental, and emotional abuse.
I was a mere shell of my former self when I left him.
There was no shortage of physical, mental, and emotional abuse.
I was a mere shell of my former self when I left him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Perhaps a more useful question to ask is, "Why is this man jealous and possessive?"
The answer is the same in every case. This man wants to control you because he's fundamentally insecure. Control issues originate from insecurity and fear.
Food for thought.
CLMI
The answer is the same in every case. This man wants to control you because he's fundamentally insecure. Control issues originate from insecurity and fear.
Food for thought.
CLMI
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Possessiveness is a personality trait that I don't believe can be changed. Possessive men usually have low self esteem.
I have been with many possessive men and it has always been miserable.
Many of my close friends are male and my possessive males partners have always had a problem with that.
Most recently my ex fiance accused me of cheating on him because I didn't want to have sex with him. He knew full well the reason I couldn't have sex was because of PTS due to being raped.
No, you cannot change it, I suggest you get out of the relationship if it is making you unhappy and find a real man who is comfortable with himself.
Much love and support,
Faerie
I have been with many possessive men and it has always been miserable.
Many of my close friends are male and my possessive males partners have always had a problem with that.
Most recently my ex fiance accused me of cheating on him because I didn't want to have sex with him. He knew full well the reason I couldn't have sex was because of PTS due to being raped.
No, you cannot change it, I suggest you get out of the relationship if it is making you unhappy and find a real man who is comfortable with himself.
Much love and support,
Faerie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 177
Yes, I have been and I will NEVER go there again. I lost everything because of it. He moved on to someone else to abuse. I hope she didn't suffer like I did. It was like having a hoover vacuum suck the life out of you. Here I am 3 years later and still suffering from the effects. It is NO joke and if I were you I would RUN as fast as I could to get away. They don't change. They go look for someone else to suck the life out of. If you value your life, get the he$$ out NOW!!!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hi All,
Thanx for the replies. It certainly is a stress hahahahahaha an understatement that is.
Very paranoid, very low self-esteem and just a pain in the butt.
Very degrading for me.
I've started going back to my A.A meetings after not going for a YEAR!!!!! to try and appease him.
He says he's going to go to Alanon to find out how to deal with an Alcoholic. I've been sober 11.5 years. He's so threatened by me going back to my meetings and getting independent from him..................our relationship is a shambles and you basically have no relationship without a smidgeon of trust.
Anyways it's a process and I'm processing right now, working on getting my ducks in a row.
Ngaire
Thanx for the replies. It certainly is a stress hahahahahaha an understatement that is.
Very paranoid, very low self-esteem and just a pain in the butt.
Very degrading for me.
I've started going back to my A.A meetings after not going for a YEAR!!!!! to try and appease him.
He says he's going to go to Alanon to find out how to deal with an Alcoholic. I've been sober 11.5 years. He's so threatened by me going back to my meetings and getting independent from him..................our relationship is a shambles and you basically have no relationship without a smidgeon of trust.
Anyways it's a process and I'm processing right now, working on getting my ducks in a row.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
My STBXAH is very jelaous and possessive. It was crazy-making. If someone called on the homeline and didn't leave a message, he would call the number back to find out who it was. When a male friend I breifly dated called here not too long ago, completely innocently and just to say hi, J. FLIPPED the f*** out, and basically accused me of having an affair. Basically, any man that ever touched me or looked at me was suspect, as was I , having been touched and looked at before the ex came into the picture. I had to lie to him, just in order to maintain innocent friendships and infrequent phone contact with my male friends.
J. also punched out the kitchen cupboard the night that he was out boozing with his work buddy. We got into a fight, and I asked him how HE'D like it if I was out for drinks with someone he didn't like, such as my pal who called the house. He lost it, and punched out the cupboard. So--drunk, violent, possessive, and jealous. Good times! At that point, I wondered when it was going to be my head, instead of the cupboard.
So yeah, RUN like your butt is on fire from that. It doesn't get better, and no matter how much you love them or reassure them, these types of guys NEVER stop being pathologically possessive, and violence eventually becomes part of the equation.
J. also punched out the kitchen cupboard the night that he was out boozing with his work buddy. We got into a fight, and I asked him how HE'D like it if I was out for drinks with someone he didn't like, such as my pal who called the house. He lost it, and punched out the cupboard. So--drunk, violent, possessive, and jealous. Good times! At that point, I wondered when it was going to be my head, instead of the cupboard.
So yeah, RUN like your butt is on fire from that. It doesn't get better, and no matter how much you love them or reassure them, these types of guys NEVER stop being pathologically possessive, and violence eventually becomes part of the equation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
I remember reading somewhere that when a person starts throwing/hitting inanimate objects, chances are good that your turn is coming. I've also read that emotional abuse (and possessiveness is emotional abuse) leaves worse scars that physical, and it will take you much longer to heal from.
I don't know, my ex was emotionally and verbally abusive. He never hit me but the bookshelves, cabinets and steering wheels sure got a good work out. I'm just thankful I got out when I did, with some serious lessons learned. I know now what the serious red flags look like and that I will NEVER ignore red flags or my gut, again. Possessiveness is a red flag. Your gut drove you to make this post.
Listen to your gut. It is almost always dead on.
I don't know, my ex was emotionally and verbally abusive. He never hit me but the bookshelves, cabinets and steering wheels sure got a good work out. I'm just thankful I got out when I did, with some serious lessons learned. I know now what the serious red flags look like and that I will NEVER ignore red flags or my gut, again. Possessiveness is a red flag. Your gut drove you to make this post.
Listen to your gut. It is almost always dead on.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Thank you for saying possesiveness is emotional abuse. Sure feels like it.
I was accused of so much last winter and surprise, surprise it was all in his head, none of it was happening. Even found a tape recorder one day hidden in the living room. And yep if the phone would ring and someone would hang up he'd call the person back.
Next week I have an appointment at the bank to find out if I can get the mortgage on this house to buy him out.
Ngaire
I was accused of so much last winter and surprise, surprise it was all in his head, none of it was happening. Even found a tape recorder one day hidden in the living room. And yep if the phone would ring and someone would hang up he'd call the person back.
Next week I have an appointment at the bank to find out if I can get the mortgage on this house to buy him out.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
And then the next step after that will be getting a second opinion from a lawyer to find out how much I'll have to give him to buy him out.
I don't know why I should have to give him anything considering my other house was used as collateral to buy this house and I put 6,000.00 of my own money into this house.
But I'll see.
Ngaire
I don't know why I should have to give him anything considering my other house was used as collateral to buy this house and I put 6,000.00 of my own money into this house.
But I'll see.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
This is why cohabitation contracts and pre-nuptial contracts are our friends. If you own property or assets, make sure you get a cohab contract the next time before you live with a partner, so they can't try to get what isn't theirs in the event of a break-up. My STBXAH would have been entitled to half of my house, of which I owned before he met me and which he never put a penny into, if I hadn't had one. And he would have been vindictive enough to try, too. As it was, I just had to give him a couple thousand dollars to get rid of him, which I'm sure by now, he's turned into beer.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hi All,
I tried to give the possesor a direct answer to how I'm feeling these days which is fed-up and confused and did I get an ultimatum, I had until saturday to call him back (we live apart right now) and if I didn't call him back by saturday he was coming down and getting every stick of furniture he has in the house and leaving.
I'm going this weekend to a birthday party for my father who is 77 and to visit family. The possesor is having a fit because we might not do anything together, he's already planning things out.
When I told him what was going on of course I get "I don't care about your fathers birthday" and when are you going to start working on our relationship?
It's amazing, he truly thinks he's changed, the anger is amazing. Sunday I tried to talk to him about his anger out bursts and how I don't want to hear them anymore and he calls me a b$%#h. Go figure.
Anyway onward and upward and I'll try not to obsess about this all day. One day at a time.
Ngaire
I tried to give the possesor a direct answer to how I'm feeling these days which is fed-up and confused and did I get an ultimatum, I had until saturday to call him back (we live apart right now) and if I didn't call him back by saturday he was coming down and getting every stick of furniture he has in the house and leaving.
I'm going this weekend to a birthday party for my father who is 77 and to visit family. The possesor is having a fit because we might not do anything together, he's already planning things out.
When I told him what was going on of course I get "I don't care about your fathers birthday" and when are you going to start working on our relationship?
It's amazing, he truly thinks he's changed, the anger is amazing. Sunday I tried to talk to him about his anger out bursts and how I don't want to hear them anymore and he calls me a b$%#h. Go figure.
Anyway onward and upward and I'll try not to obsess about this all day. One day at a time.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
What relationship does he mean? The only relationship I see here is of an abusive and control freak master chastising a servant.....
Perhaps you could call him Saturday and tell him that abusing you is not the way you see is how to work on a relationship and until he stops this, you don't feel able to try and do work on it.
Go see your dad and try and enjoy every minute there. When you return you can take it from there, and get those ducks organised ASAP, as there is enough quacking going on already.
Perhaps you could call him Saturday and tell him that abusing you is not the way you see is how to work on a relationship and until he stops this, you don't feel able to try and do work on it.
Go see your dad and try and enjoy every minute there. When you return you can take it from there, and get those ducks organised ASAP, as there is enough quacking going on already.
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