Should I stay or should I go? Ripped that off from the Clash!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2
Should I stay or should I go? Ripped that off from the Clash!
Hello all! First off, I must say that I have been lurking on here the last few weeks and I am so impressed by what a great group of very supportive people you are! Kudos to you all and this site!
Well, I'm delurking now with my dilemma. I apologize for the length here but this is allowing me to let it out a bit. My first Al-anon meeting went long last night and I didn't even get a turn!
I am 40 years old with two children, 11 and 5. I have been dating a wonderful man for about two years. He is 34 and has only had about 1.5 years of sobriety in his adult life. Partied hard in college and never really stopped. He relapsed in 2005, went to rehab, and remained sober until about six months before I met him. About 6 months into our relationship my ears picked up a little bit about the amount of beer he drank. Not knowing much about alcoholism, I just filed those observances under my "Interesting. I'll keep an eye on that" file. He is the type with a hollow leg and his personality/demeanor/composure doesn't change when he's drunk. You don't notice a thing. I told him later that on our first date I thought, "Gee, either this guy likes the taste of beer or he's a raging alcoholic!" We joke about that now.
After another month I stumbled across an Rx for Antabuse in his bathroom. My heart sank but I confronted him directly and asked him about it. He told me that he was indeed an alcoholic (didn't tell me about his previous rehab). I told him that I was not going to allow this disease and all of its' fallout into my home and family. He said he would go back to meetings and get it under control. He started with the O'Douls (he has since said non-alcoholic beer is a bad idea) and saying he was going to meetings, which I believe he was, just not as frequently as he said he was. I thought he was doing very well.
Fast forward to two weeks ago when I found out he had been drinking on and off almost from the day he told me he'd quit. Not only that but he was in contact with his XW (we met while we were both in the end stages of our divorces) and I believe that they were intimate at some point during our relationship. And that's not the worst of it...I also found evidence that he was picking up women on craigslist.
He was devistated when I brought all this to his attention, as was I for that matter. He told me that he was sick, he was in bad shape, that he needed to get help or he would die. I took him to rehab, he gets out today and starts an IOP tomorrow. During this time I almost completely shut down emotionally. It's like I detached from all the bad stuff to take care of the task at hand and that was to get him to rehab and support him emotionally through the process. (He doesn't have much family support - ACoA and all) I was honest with him telling him how he hurt me and that I have no idea what I was going to do with regard to our relationship. I told him we'd talk about it in the future. He has apologized profusely and is sorry that he let me down and that when he drinks he loses his inhibitions, inability to see consequences, etc., etc.
Now, I know him to be a good man. He has many wonderful qualities. He loves my children very much and is great with them. I know he loves me very, very much. If it weren't for the drinking he'd be a great catch. (How many of you have said that before?!?!) We even talked about marriage. It's almost as if he is two totally different people!!! It's so bizarre! Now, I am getting a crash course in alcoholism and codependency. I've read so much these last two weeks my eyes are about to bug out.
I'm just not sure what to do with him at this point. He says he's very serious about his sobriety this time, that he wasn't ready the last time he got sober to maintain it. He knows it's hard work and he's willing to put his sobreity first before everything. He's going to do everything they told him to do in rehab to stay sober. He went through a honeymoon stage last time and now he's more realistic and in it for the long haul. His therapist told him in IOP he should explore the possibility of sexual addition and that he couldn't tell if it was a true addiction or an impulse/inhibition thing and he's willing to do that. He's excited to begin life again. He said that he's not doing this for me he doing it for himself. It's way too early to be even cautiously optimistic but I like his attitude.
I'm just not sure what I should do with ME right now. Particularly with regard to the infidelity. Those feelings are just now coming out of hiding. I am hurt, angry, jealous, devestated, sad and every other emotion that goes along with being cheated on. I'm just not sure that I could get past that part. Many people in this forum believe that cheating and drinking don't necessarily go hand in hand. Others believe that in some people it can be about lost inhibitions and impulse control. My head is spinning about all that.
I sometimes also think that he's not the father of my children, I've only been dating him for two years, we're not married and I should just cut my losses and split now. I would be willing to stand by and support him if he didn't cheat. I'm just not sure I can handle this whole ball of wax all at once. And, throw in the fact that I am just now starting to adjust to being divorced and a single working mother. I've got a lot going on!
I refuse to be codependent. I probably was when I took him to rehab and remained in communication. I know enough now what not to do whether I stay with him or not. Should I stay I will always have a Plan B.
We've talked about if I should decide to stay with him how our relationship wouldn't be the same for a very long time, if ever. Both because of his recovery and because of the broken trust. We would definately have to go to counseling together. Between his counseling, my counseling, and our counseling...that's a LOT of counseling!) I just don't know what to do at this point.
Any advice from those that have been there done that?
Well, I'm delurking now with my dilemma. I apologize for the length here but this is allowing me to let it out a bit. My first Al-anon meeting went long last night and I didn't even get a turn!
I am 40 years old with two children, 11 and 5. I have been dating a wonderful man for about two years. He is 34 and has only had about 1.5 years of sobriety in his adult life. Partied hard in college and never really stopped. He relapsed in 2005, went to rehab, and remained sober until about six months before I met him. About 6 months into our relationship my ears picked up a little bit about the amount of beer he drank. Not knowing much about alcoholism, I just filed those observances under my "Interesting. I'll keep an eye on that" file. He is the type with a hollow leg and his personality/demeanor/composure doesn't change when he's drunk. You don't notice a thing. I told him later that on our first date I thought, "Gee, either this guy likes the taste of beer or he's a raging alcoholic!" We joke about that now.
After another month I stumbled across an Rx for Antabuse in his bathroom. My heart sank but I confronted him directly and asked him about it. He told me that he was indeed an alcoholic (didn't tell me about his previous rehab). I told him that I was not going to allow this disease and all of its' fallout into my home and family. He said he would go back to meetings and get it under control. He started with the O'Douls (he has since said non-alcoholic beer is a bad idea) and saying he was going to meetings, which I believe he was, just not as frequently as he said he was. I thought he was doing very well.
Fast forward to two weeks ago when I found out he had been drinking on and off almost from the day he told me he'd quit. Not only that but he was in contact with his XW (we met while we were both in the end stages of our divorces) and I believe that they were intimate at some point during our relationship. And that's not the worst of it...I also found evidence that he was picking up women on craigslist.
He was devistated when I brought all this to his attention, as was I for that matter. He told me that he was sick, he was in bad shape, that he needed to get help or he would die. I took him to rehab, he gets out today and starts an IOP tomorrow. During this time I almost completely shut down emotionally. It's like I detached from all the bad stuff to take care of the task at hand and that was to get him to rehab and support him emotionally through the process. (He doesn't have much family support - ACoA and all) I was honest with him telling him how he hurt me and that I have no idea what I was going to do with regard to our relationship. I told him we'd talk about it in the future. He has apologized profusely and is sorry that he let me down and that when he drinks he loses his inhibitions, inability to see consequences, etc., etc.
Now, I know him to be a good man. He has many wonderful qualities. He loves my children very much and is great with them. I know he loves me very, very much. If it weren't for the drinking he'd be a great catch. (How many of you have said that before?!?!) We even talked about marriage. It's almost as if he is two totally different people!!! It's so bizarre! Now, I am getting a crash course in alcoholism and codependency. I've read so much these last two weeks my eyes are about to bug out.
I'm just not sure what to do with him at this point. He says he's very serious about his sobriety this time, that he wasn't ready the last time he got sober to maintain it. He knows it's hard work and he's willing to put his sobreity first before everything. He's going to do everything they told him to do in rehab to stay sober. He went through a honeymoon stage last time and now he's more realistic and in it for the long haul. His therapist told him in IOP he should explore the possibility of sexual addition and that he couldn't tell if it was a true addiction or an impulse/inhibition thing and he's willing to do that. He's excited to begin life again. He said that he's not doing this for me he doing it for himself. It's way too early to be even cautiously optimistic but I like his attitude.
I'm just not sure what I should do with ME right now. Particularly with regard to the infidelity. Those feelings are just now coming out of hiding. I am hurt, angry, jealous, devestated, sad and every other emotion that goes along with being cheated on. I'm just not sure that I could get past that part. Many people in this forum believe that cheating and drinking don't necessarily go hand in hand. Others believe that in some people it can be about lost inhibitions and impulse control. My head is spinning about all that.
I sometimes also think that he's not the father of my children, I've only been dating him for two years, we're not married and I should just cut my losses and split now. I would be willing to stand by and support him if he didn't cheat. I'm just not sure I can handle this whole ball of wax all at once. And, throw in the fact that I am just now starting to adjust to being divorced and a single working mother. I've got a lot going on!
I refuse to be codependent. I probably was when I took him to rehab and remained in communication. I know enough now what not to do whether I stay with him or not. Should I stay I will always have a Plan B.
We've talked about if I should decide to stay with him how our relationship wouldn't be the same for a very long time, if ever. Both because of his recovery and because of the broken trust. We would definately have to go to counseling together. Between his counseling, my counseling, and our counseling...that's a LOT of counseling!) I just don't know what to do at this point.
Any advice from those that have been there done that?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Socks clean? Tie on your running shoes and haul A$$. I wish I would have taken my own advice 15 years ago.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican here on SR. I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering co-dependant.
Have you gone to Al Anon meetings yet? I highly recommend them as well as open AA meetings. You will learn a lot about alcoholism at AA, and you will learn a lot about yourself at Al Anon.
You can remain friends with him while he works on his recovery. I'm sure he would appreciate your concern and support. However, his best resource of support will be other alcoholics. If he is sincere about his recovery, it will consume most of his spare time and energy.
It is often recommended to friends of alcoholics to keep your distance, and consider revisiting the idea of a relationship after 6-12 months of active recovery work on the part of the alcoholic.
As a recovering alcoholic, I agree with that recommendation. I needed to embrace my sobriety more than my marriage, career, life or children. If I didn't, I would lose everything.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican here on SR. I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering co-dependant.
Have you gone to Al Anon meetings yet? I highly recommend them as well as open AA meetings. You will learn a lot about alcoholism at AA, and you will learn a lot about yourself at Al Anon.
You can remain friends with him while he works on his recovery. I'm sure he would appreciate your concern and support. However, his best resource of support will be other alcoholics. If he is sincere about his recovery, it will consume most of his spare time and energy.
It is often recommended to friends of alcoholics to keep your distance, and consider revisiting the idea of a relationship after 6-12 months of active recovery work on the part of the alcoholic.
As a recovering alcoholic, I agree with that recommendation. I needed to embrace my sobriety more than my marriage, career, life or children. If I didn't, I would lose everything.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I detect some magical thinking going on 
Your AB has never dealt with his problems, he's never embraced recovery, he lied to you, cheated on you, and I'll bet there will be more things you'll discover once you have time to think on them and time passes.
So, to put it clearly: The person you think you love, the man you are involved with and who you allow access to your children, doesn't really exist. He's a construct of your wishes and his lies.
The good news? You are free to walk away, and he's free to actually work on his recovery if he so chooses. It might be that in the future you can fall in love with who he really is.
Your AB has never dealt with his problems, he's never embraced recovery, he lied to you, cheated on you, and I'll bet there will be more things you'll discover once you have time to think on them and time passes.
So, to put it clearly: The person you think you love, the man you are involved with and who you allow access to your children, doesn't really exist. He's a construct of your wishes and his lies.
The good news? You are free to walk away, and he's free to actually work on his recovery if he so chooses. It might be that in the future you can fall in love with who he really is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I'm 41 with two kids too. Do you want the truth or what you want to hear? The truth... Run. Get out. Trust me. I stayed. He will rip out your heart and that of your children while saying "you knew how I was when you met me." That will be 10 years from now while your standing at ground zero. And you wont laugh anymore; you just cry.
You'll hate him. But you'll hate you more; because really you knew better. You could have saved you all. Did I say run. Get out. Fast.
You'll hate him. But you'll hate you more; because really you knew better. You could have saved you all. Did I say run. Get out. Fast.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
My thinking.... RUN as fast as you can from this guy! I can't imagine entering into a relationship with an alcoholic - knowing up front he is one. But I say that after spending a miserable 27 years with one!
Relationships are hard work, even with two healthy people, why make it harder?
Relationships are hard work, even with two healthy people, why make it harder?
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
treadncarefully,
Can't say it much better then anvilhead.
I tend to be more direct with the unmarried " about 2 years dating" relationship then the married because........
your not married to the guy,.... get out! Yes, that is what I would do.
Also, if a non-alcoholic guy cheated on you in a relationship would you stay with him? I call that more then a red flag for a healthy ,loving , enduring and trusting relationship.
Do you think your choice to support this man while remaining in a relationship is fair to your children? This isn't just ' serving ' someone and teaching your kids to help and care for people. This is bringing an unhealthy person into their life by your choice in the kind of close relationship that is meant to protect and serve them.
AA suggests no relationship to the new member for at least a year. Since you 2 aren't married it would probably serve both of you best to apply the practice, for your own protection and so he has an opportunity to really deal with himself. If he is so wonderful, you could check back in a year.( if your still interested :-). He doesn't need you for "there" for support, there are plenty of people who have been where he has been and will want to help him on this journey, if he will but want to allow them.
You would be supporting him by leaving him so he can choose to do his thing. He didn't get this screwed up in a day. It will take more then rehab to recover.
love tammy
Can't say it much better then anvilhead.
I tend to be more direct with the unmarried " about 2 years dating" relationship then the married because........
your not married to the guy,.... get out! Yes, that is what I would do.
Also, if a non-alcoholic guy cheated on you in a relationship would you stay with him? I call that more then a red flag for a healthy ,loving , enduring and trusting relationship.
Do you think your choice to support this man while remaining in a relationship is fair to your children? This isn't just ' serving ' someone and teaching your kids to help and care for people. This is bringing an unhealthy person into their life by your choice in the kind of close relationship that is meant to protect and serve them.
AA suggests no relationship to the new member for at least a year. Since you 2 aren't married it would probably serve both of you best to apply the practice, for your own protection and so he has an opportunity to really deal with himself. If he is so wonderful, you could check back in a year.( if your still interested :-). He doesn't need you for "there" for support, there are plenty of people who have been where he has been and will want to help him on this journey, if he will but want to allow them.
You would be supporting him by leaving him so he can choose to do his thing. He didn't get this screwed up in a day. It will take more then rehab to recover.
love tammy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It is often recommended to friends of alcoholics to keep your distance, and consider revisiting the idea of a relationship after 6-12 months of active recovery work on the part of the alcoholic.
If he's such a great guy at heart, and if he means to take his recovery seriously, then he'll still be a great catch a year from now if you're meant to be together.
What will you have lost by giving it some time to see if he ever CAN be the man you are wishing him to be?
Advice, from my personal experience (quite similar) ? Let him go heal, and revisit this when you've had time to sort out the fact from fiction.
Wishing you luck -- you deserve better than this high drama, and your kids run the risk of getting VERY confused by all of this.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
...I believe that they were intimate at some point during our relationship. And that's not the worst of it...I also found evidence that he was picking up women on craigslist.
I'm just not sure what I should do with ME right now. Particularly with regard to the infidelity. Those feelings are just now coming out of hiding. I am hurt, angry, jealous, devestated, sad and every other emotion that goes along with being cheated on. I'm just not sure that I could get past that part. Many people in this forum believe that cheating and drinking don't necessarily go hand in hand. Others believe that in some people it can be about lost inhibitions and impulse control. My head is spinning about all that.
You're not sure what to do with you right now? Let me make up your mind for you: Run away! Run away! Run for your life! Fleeeeeeeeeee for your life, like there is a tsunami coming! If you can't, at least love and care enough about yourself to use protection if you are intimate with him again. This is serious.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by treadncarefully 
I refuse to be codependent. I probably was when I took him to rehab and remained in communication. I know enough now what not to do whether I stay with him or not. Should I stay I will always have a Plan B.
The power of magical thinking and co-dependency is frighteningly insidious.
This is not meant to be harsh or judgmental; it is merely a statement of fact, based on the evidence presented.
Please know we care about your fate!
CLMI
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Hi There,
I've just fled from an unhealthy relationship and feel relieved and proud of myself for doing so. Yes it was hard and yes I miss him but it was the right thing to do.
You have to put your and your kid's well being first.
I also feel you answered your own question with the quote "I would be willing to stand by and support him if he didn't cheat."
He lied, he cheated, he'll do it again no matter how sorry he says he is.
Like other people have so wisely said, take a step back and reassess the situation after he's been sober for a year.
Please take care of yourself and your children,
Much love and support,
Faerie
I've just fled from an unhealthy relationship and feel relieved and proud of myself for doing so. Yes it was hard and yes I miss him but it was the right thing to do.
You have to put your and your kid's well being first.
I also feel you answered your own question with the quote "I would be willing to stand by and support him if he didn't cheat."
He lied, he cheated, he'll do it again no matter how sorry he says he is.
Like other people have so wisely said, take a step back and reassess the situation after he's been sober for a year.
Please take care of yourself and your children,
Much love and support,
Faerie
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