TakingCharge999

Hi friends, in another thread anvilhead asked me what the hell I was clinging to or thinking I got from xabf... well not with those words... LOL

I realized I hold on to the memories of the good him out of guilt , if I forget him and move on it will be as if the good him, the good friend I had never existed.. because I feel I am the only one who saw his good side... (how self absorbed is that, I know there are others that miss the good him too.. well at least his ex best friend, who thinks the "good him" HAS to come back... talk about wishful thinking)

He once said all the people around him was just people and he did not really have good friends. I feel guilty to let him go. Does anyone here feel the same way?

Seeing him lately its just a totally different person, the good traits disappeared. This disease sucks.

Seren

If I may make so bold as to ask a question.....I'm certainly in no way trying to pick on you or criticize you for your choices. We are the ones who know best what is best for us.

If you still spend entire days crying over your xabf, why are you dating someone else?

I hope that you and the new bf are very happy, and I hope that you are honest with him about your continued very strong grief over the x.

hugs and prayers for your continued happiness and healing. HG

TakingCharge999

Thanks for your responses!

I DO have that ability, who do you want me to evaporate??

I understand what you say about perceptions, but you got to accept some people change for the worse in a matter of weeks. Its hard to admit the powerlessness.

hydrogirl, I wish with a new partner everything of the past would evaporate, as "some" guys seem to be able to do, new partner *POOF* the past is gone.

I have been honest with this new guy, not talking about the details but saying the last year has been tough for me... he in turn has accepted he misses his ex sometimes, and has taken antidepressants too (before we met) so.. he knows the drill... right now he has acted more like a friend than anything else... we agreed to keep this slow and he says the most important thing is that we are both happier in our own lives and stop carrying the past// I think thats my main problem, I live in the past.

I feel angry letting ex rent space in my mind and heart. Don't get me wrong, I no longer cry all day, I just get some waves once in a while (of course I am on meds so in reality I may be feeling worse ) and some thoughts I struggle with...and try to imagine a DEAD END SIGN and move on with my day and most of the time I am succesful

When I am away from my workplace, traveling, or with bf I try to live the present and enjoy it.. but I am wondering if I will always feel that way? If all the people that carry important losses have the same thoughts and longings and there is no amount of books/therapy that can fill those voids. I guess people in your life have their own spaces in your heart, you can fill any one you want but there is always an empty one that can't be replaced or filled again.

I am struggling because its like I am starting to take the ship to recovery, living MY life and realizing the good things and on the other hand I still get entangled with all the old thinking... and I read my posts when I have been away from ex a few days and I see how I go backwards when he is around again!!

I would LOVE to overhear ex's conversations and don't give a damn anymore... just as he knows I sit here and work here and am here and I am listening to all he says and he doesn't give a damn. I hate it after so much time he still gets to me....

Also, I notice SR is the only link left towards exabf and I wonder if it would do me good to stop visiting this page and try to forget addictions altogether for a while.

HOPEKNOWS

I feel so sad that I had to "let him down" and "leave him all alone" just like all the others. I guess that's a crazy way of looking at the situation. Really, I just finally took myself out of an abusive relationship after giving the abuser all the warnings and suggestions I could. I still feel sorry for him that he has no one except jerks, but he is reaping what he has sown. I will keep working on my relationship with my HP. I hope things work out for you!

Still Waters

Yes, poor baby - those people just didn't understand him. It wouldn't have had anything to do with him would it?

The arrogance of alcoholism is astounding.

TakingCharge999

You are right SW!!!!! I had not noticed that quacking. Sheesh//

After a bad episode and he was sober again he told me, "you do not deserve this, promise me you will forgive me and you will be happy"

So much stuff its been so diff to put it to rest ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thanks for letting me vent, you are right, HP rules and I recall asking him to take away all the bad ppl even if it hurt!! SO THERE its what HP is thinking.

Learn2Live

Hell no! Girl, stomp out the guilt! (Seems like everyone on SR today is feeling guilty...hmmmmm...weird).

GUILT IS POISON!

Repeat and repeat and repeat, OUT LOUD: NO GUILT!!! (I do weird stuff like that especially in the morning, just keep repeating things LOUDLY and out loud just to start the day off right! :O) Gets out a lot of frustration, too. It works, seriously, try it!

FreeBird09

Real good posts! I too feel the guilt and I think it has a LOT to do with moving on. But I can say this, not once while I was with my 'friend' did I allow myself any guilt feelings because after all of this I DESERVE to be happy and live in the moment!!. AND SO DO YOU!.

TakingCharge999

I will try it when I get home! advantages about living alone, the cat will know for sure her owner is an insane woman LOL

TakingCharge999

Thanks for the kicks on the butt anvilhead, I can always count on you to take me back to REALITY

How does one make the heart keep up with the mind? Rationally I see it and am OK with the decisions but my heart is still like "NNOoooooOOOOOOo why me, why HIM, how great it was in event blah blah"

Memory sucks, but I just remembered how it seems so easy for ex, he is drinking for God's sakes, why would anything matter or make sense.

Like the other thread, asking a blind to see...

TakingCharge999

yes anvilhead, I guess that is the fear, you are totally right... needn't take what he has done afterwards personal... its what alcoholics do.. its not TO ME....

finally accepting that is OVER, FOR ME TOO, that he won't come back even as a friend because daily I make the decision... its still a tough pill to swallow.

he is just next to me working.... breathe, TC, breathe...

TakingCharge999

Wow he feels he is God's gift to Earth
A coworker is telling me he hated the way he ordered him to do stuff

I joked and told him I saw him zig zagging. And that if it was me I would have asked "why do you need access to our applications? if you keep using Facebook all day"

No, that was NOT recovery-like..

Can't believe I am still suffering for this guy.. I noticed him kind of taking glances to me.. weird, weird atmosphere.

Still Waters

We tend to gloss over the bad in the past - that's (I think) dangerous ground, especially for me. I totally agree with Anvil that our perceptions are skewed, but better for me to skew them in a bad way to assure I don't repeat my mistakes.

For too long I rose colored glasses reality.

bookwyrm

I'm going to print this out and stick it EVERYWHERE! Thank you.

TakingCharge999

Anvilhead is totally right, we forget we are Someone regardless of how others treat us. Regardless of the bad choices before

Thanks a lot, this site makes me feel less alone!!!!!

sclarke64448

Fantastic thread! I feel I have turned a corner today (I've just posted my update on my thread - Can't stop crying...) and all these views are just re-inforcing my feelings! TC don't leave SR - you have given me hope and encouragement since the first day I joined this website - you were one of the first, actually possibly also the first, to reach out to me! (Ok so it's only about day 16 or something since I joined but I haven't cried for days now). I'm getting stronger, all because of wonderful people like you! :ghug3

TakingCharge999

Great your are moving forward sclarke, I too don't know what I would have done without SR.. its a lifeline... and the wiser ppl help me focus... the ones next to me help me know I am not alone..

:ghug3

SW, that is tricky business, I NEED to remember the bad stuff, but just enough to not try "make friends" or contact him or ask about him.. not to enslave me thinking about this great pain.... this "fine tuning" is an art!!

:ghug3

I have still "been" with this guy..at least in my mind... remembering, remembering..and now its really sinking in when I left I left for good and I need to STAY AS AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM HIM, not only physically or in daily interactions but also in my mind and heart. I can't afford to keep looking back.... I need my energy for new stuff. My life cannot be such a waste and I cannot keep dragging myself through it. So many months in pain.. I have more than "paid" my lesson...

I guess this is it, for real now. This is good-bye.

TakingCharge999

Crazy4Him

TC you know by now how much I understand you. I honestly believe in the power of absolutely NO CONTACT. Why? Because every once in a while, even though we don't see each other or talk on the phone anymore, I still have to see my ex. And what happens when I do? I fall back into that emotional hole. Everytime I wake up and go into work I open myself up to his manipulations and games.

I've been lucky enough that I only have to see him two days a week but on those two days it's inevitable that I run into him. There are no words to describe the stress. Wondering what is going to happen THIS week. Ever since I reported him to HR things have calmed down a LOT, but I can't help but notice that he is a wreck! Every time I walk by him he stares at me with an absolutely miserable look in his eyes, like he might as well be dead. He's growing a beard which I recently heard management told him to cut it off because it looks awful! He's a wreck. Early in our break-up this would have made me feel better I wont lie, but now it's just sad because all it does is remind me of how far he's fallen. How far he is from the man that I fell for so long ago. The worse off he becomes, the more I'm reminded of the man he USED to be. I always told him that he could do great things if he just believed it. He really could. I wish more than anything I didn't have to see him.

Like you, I'm good for the whole week, I'm dating a new guy who is WONDERFUL and I'm thinking, "FINALLY I'm getting healthier."

........ then I go into work.

And it's back to square one.

If I knew the advice to give you I would be taking it myself. It makes me wonder if it is EVER possible for us to get better. Having them around all the time. How can you truly move on from someone you loved when you have to see them all the time? How do you look at them and NOT wonder what they're thinking and who they are with? How do you get better?

Sigh.

Jadmack25

If he is so miserable in the place he chose to be, then it is up to him to choose to leave it.
You DID NOT push him down there. His addiction made him jump right in.

It is sheer hell seeing the "what he could be" in our minds, and then having to look at what he really is....BUT, you are not the one to fight his demons, he and only he can do that, if or when he finally decides to.

Keep on caring, strengthening and loving yourself because that is your duty to yourself.