candlelight

I feel so awful right now I can't stand it. After working the steps for about 2-1/2 months, I thought I was getting stronger, but here I am, back at square one.

My AH is so angry with me, with our son, with everybody. He just got off the phone with me, while he was at work, telling me (among many other things) how I don't care about him or his feelings, about how he hates his job, that he's a loser compared to all the other guys his age he knows, that we don't communicate, that I only worry about myself and not him or the kids . . . and so on and so on.

Worse yet, I feel guilty for having brought this on. I feel guilty!!!!!!! Maybe if I had prayed harder to my HP, been more sincere, been better at doing the steps I could have avoided this. Sounds crazy when I write it, but it feels true to me.

Serenity????? You've got to be kidding!!! I'm wallowing in that miserable, gut-twisting anxiety that I've tried to get away from. It got me. again. I feel like giving up.

candlelight

Petunia

Candlelight,

Now that you have sufficiently tenderized yourself, I gently ask that you put down the club b/c you deserve a break. Somedays I wonder if I will ever get it right and start the "me bashing", then I recall something a dear friend shared,

"There is only one person that you can totally rely on to treat you kindly, that is yourself."

Just get through the next hour...that is all you need to do. Once you have that under your belt you can tackle the next. You are valuable.

My thoughts and prayers are with you today.

Petunia

jessieandme2003

Candlelight,

Please remember that he is only lashing out at you because you are the one close to him. He has all this pain and needs to get it out. It is terrible for you, I know. But try to just remember 'this too shall pass'.

He is feeling lousy about himself and is looking for someone to blame for all the pain he is feeling. That is just their way, it has nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. Don't worry about convincing him of that, just keep reminding yourself of it!

Hang in there.

Rainy

((Candlelight))

Jessieandme is absolutely correct: he is hurting you because he is hurting and you are the closest person to him and the easiest one for him to hurt. That is not fair but it is what they do.

My AH has told me that he cannot believe I stuck around after some of the things he would say to me, and he is so ashamed now to think he would ever have treated me that way.

I can look back now and realize that I allowed myself to feel hurt by his words because I know that I am not a bad person, so why did I let what he said affect me? Believe in who you know you really are, not what he says in fits of anger.

((hugs))

candlelight

Thanks for all your responses. I really slipped today. I started with alanon a few months ago, and I really never ever wanted to go back to where I was before. I was so filled with dread and anxiety today. I prayed about it, everything. Still crazy. However, my HP came through tonight -- no disaster (so far, but its only 8pm . . .) Looks like I maybe made it through today after all????

I need to do something about this pessimistic outlook!!! It just hit me so hard today, I'm kinda shocked. I had the alanon tools, but the materials seemed shoddy!!! But I'm learning that I'm not shoddy material after all, so, one step/one day at a time.

Thanks again.

Candlelight