Advice I got from a RA
 

I was talking to an old classmate last night, hadn't talked to him in 20+ years and he shared with me that he is a recovering alcoholic. We then began to talk about my axbf (as he knows him) and he gave me a little bit of advice.

YOU can't do ANYTHING for him that he will accept.

LET him GO so he can lose EVERYTHING.

IT is NOT you that caused ANYTHING, he uses you as a scape goat.

He has a DISEASE that your LOVE can't cure.

He will USE you and ABUSE you (emotionally) as long as you have contact.

His bottle WILL/DOES come before ANYONE.

Prison, Institution, or DEATH (maybe all 3) will stop the disease.

It is NOT YOU, it is NOT YOU, it is NOT YOU that did anything wrong in the relationship, he NEEDS you to give his sick mind REASON to keep drinking.

He don't SEE or CARE about how much pain he has put you through (or is putting you through) because he can't SEE it through a numb mind/heart/soul.

When/IF he gets sober he may never want to revisit the relationship because of the guilt over the pain he caused you. (once he realizes it)

Loving him is only tying up your life for someone good to come into it.

He talked a lot about his addiction and what caused him to go sober. He struggles with it every day. He is 3 years sober and wakes up every morning with the cravings. He said it was the hardest, and is the hardest disease to overcome. I thanked him for sharing with me, and he said to share this with someone, and it helps one person get out of pain, then it is worth hashing it over. He had lost everything, ended up in jail and near death. He remembers all the abuse he gave to his wife (now x) and said how he wishes that he could turn back the clock. He said his body is suffering greatly.

It was a good conversation, and one that helped me free my mind a bit more. I had told him all the things that the axbf had been through that he uses to fuel his drinking and he said, we all have bad things happen to us doesn't mean we have to run and hide. His last advice was, he needs HELP and he has to find it HIMSELF.

I too just recently reconnected with an old friend of 40 + years that is 13 years in recovery. He now lives in another state and we email every now and then. He too has given me a lot of insight on this disease, and given me the same advise as your friend.

He and his wife divorced because of the disease, and he is now into this whole new age religion that I just can't wrap my brain around, but that is his choice not mine. I do enjoy talking to him, but I'm not sure that he hasn't become addicted to AA. I mean yes he has become sober and AA will always be apart of his program to stay sober, but does it have to be your whole life? This is all he talks about, helping other drunks, going to meeting almost every day, talking with his sponsor daily. Is this how it works when they get sober?

It doesn't give me any hope that IF AH does ever get sober will there be room in his life for ME?

Would love to hear from others that have are going through recovery.

Yup! I have found my greatest advice has come from a lot of RA's on this site! And a few from my Al-Anon meeting. The insight they give IMHO is something we already know in our heart of hearts however I guess coming from them it sinks in a bit better?!

He needs to find help himself just like you or anyone for that matter needs to find it for themselves too. We want to just "Fix" everyone and have them be the way we want them to be so that things will be good. What really needs to be good is ourselves-it takes time but I have found that wasting my energy on others took a lot away from myself and what I needed to "Fix" within me.

:hug: you are traveling in the right direction keep moving forward and know there is a lot of people behind you to help support your journey!

Maybe...
 

Maybe this guys calling is to help others? I was once told that they replace the addiction of alcohol for something else, most RA I have talked to are into bodybuilding (like my brother is) the guy I talked to last night said he has to work, work, work and keep busy so not to fall apart again. (One obsession traded for another, if I had a choice for my axbf I would wish that he got sober and dedicated his ENTIRE life to helping others, even if he never knocked on my door again, it would sure the heck would beat him dying over this disease hands down!)

Fixing...
 

Thank you for your advice. At this point in my life I don't want to fix anyone, and know that only God can intervene and it is not up to me which path he takes, or don't take. It just so happens that the guy I talked to last night was both my axbf and my high school classmate so the subject came up and we shared. He basically told me much of everything that I learnt on here, but the one thing that made a little bit of a difference was that he knows both of us, and knows the addiction AND has been in recovery AND is taking accountability for his actions. That really set me free a bit in my mind.

SR has been a life saver, along with my faith in God for myself to overcome. I have learnt a LOT in a year.

I think, for me, that one hurts the most.

That's weird because that one actually makes me feel better. I don't want my ex back, I just want him to WAKE UP. I know that I did my fair share to hurt him in the relationship and I've apologized for it. If I knew that he was genuinely even a LITTLE sorry... I really think it would help me so much. But he isn't, so I'm doing my best to help myself.

He's happy to continue playing victim even though I'm not even around to blame anymore he still manages to blame me just enough to take that next drink.

I guess that depends on the alcoholic. When I told my fiance "yes" I will marry you, he had just over 3 years sober.... I made that decision knowing that he goes to a meeting everyday, that when he does not go to meetings (and even when he does) he comes to SR for recovery, reads books, reaches out to others, works with his sponsee's, talks to his sponsor.... ETC....

I was concerned about his life revolving around AA and I was also concerned about my being a normie and how that would work...

So..... here is what I have learned. 1. Im not a normie, Im co-dependant and I have to work a program too. 2. That this is the man I fell in love with and if it takes him all that to stay sober and be the great person I know.... well then that is what it takes.... and we will be just fine. 3. That when you love someone there is always time made for that person. 4. That if I cant be myself and be loved, or if he cant be himself and be loved then it is just not the right relationship.

All the what if's, but's, etc..... are not worth my time worrying about.... I try to keep the focus on today.... and today its all working out..... his recovery and mine.

What I need to remember always.... is that my fiance is an Alcoholic.... for him to stay sober he has to work his program. If I can not deal with that, then I have no business being in this relationship. BUT... it is his program that helps him be who he is .... and I would much rather be with who he is today, working his program, then with anyone else in the world..... His program helps him be who I love.