Got married, hoping for the best.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Got married, hoping for the best.....
....and then I kicked him out of the house 5 weeks later.
Hello all, I'm back. Soaking up all the wisdom that I can.
So yeah, I married my alcoholic a few weeks ago. I guess that somewhere inside of me, I was hoping that marriage would somehow make things better--that if he could see how much I loved him, that maybe he would stop hurting himself, and us, once and for all. How naive, right? I'm embarrassed that I actually had this thought process, but that is the codie in me.
We were great for about a week. Then, one night, I was expecting him home after work so we could have a lovely evening together, barbequeing. I was expecting him to call me for a ride, so at six o'clock, not having heard from him, I called him. He was drunk, and stoned, and had left work earlier that afternoon to go drinking with a buddy from work. I flipped out. He told me that buddy was going through hard times, and offered to buy J. some beers after work, so he could have an ear to pour his hard-times story into. Beers and shots, and a joint, actually. We had a huge fight, in which he informed me that if someone is buying the drinks, he is going to be there. I could see then that his alcoholism had won. That he would leave his new wife at home, who was expecting him for dinner, in order to go off drinking when he should have been working, was a "real-life" moment for me. We had a huge argument that night, and he punched a hole in my kitchen cupboard.
The second "real-life" moment came when I realized he had been lying to me about money again. I have been paying our bills, and keeping us fed out of my meagre part-time wages, and bank account I had set up to pay my mortgage fund. He had claimed that his last paycheck would be going toward paying off his bankruptcy, and he couldn't give me any money that month to put toward our bills. Turns out, he lied. He didn't put the money toward his responsibilities, but instead had been spending it on himself. So there I was, AGAIN, keeping us afloat, while my bank account dwindled. I finally GOT IT then--this man did not care about my best interests, and was just using me to keep afloat. I provided a beautiful home (which I own), a stocked refridgerator, birthday gifts for his kids, and a loving relationship, and he basically sat back and sucked it all in.
Oh, and the best part? I had to pay for my own wedding. We used my money, and he promised to pay me back his share. Of course, that never happened. I also lent him money to buy an amp when his amp blew before a gig. I haven't seen a penny of that, either.
About a week and a half ago, he went to jam with his bandmates. Instead of coming home after, he decided to stay and keep drinking. Never bothered to call to ask for a ride home, just sent me a text an hour after jam ended wondering where I was. He sent me the text, as opposed to calling, because he didn't actually want to get ahold of me--of course, any other time he needed to talk to me, he would call the house, or my cell numerous times. I finally called him at midnight, and he was drunk, and quite content to stay where he was, even though I was upset. I told him not to bother coming home again, and put all his stuff in the garage. He hasn't contacted me since, but has been by while I was at work, to grab some of his stuff.
I finally got it. Marriage was not going to change this man. It wasn't going to make his alcoholism go away. All the love, time, and money I spent waiting for all this wonderful "potential" to blossom was just a colossal waste of my time. He is an ADDICT--and now I truly get what that means. Finally, I am able to let go. He will never have my best interests at heart, and a marriage based on love and respect will simply be impossible.
Stupid hope kept me there, when I should have gotten away much, much sooner. But now I know. I took this relationship as far as I could, and the loss of his marriage isn't going to change anything for him. I know he will just move on to another enabler, and continue on as he has. I can't change him--I get it now. It took saying "I do" to realize I DON'T.
But I can change me. So, I have put my house up for sale, and am moving back to the east coast, where I was born. Once I get there, I will be filing for divorce. (thank you, solid pre-nup!) I have family there that loves me, and a beautiful house to move into. I will be thousands of miles away from him, and no longer consumed with his life choices. He doesn't get to hurt me anymore. And I get a brand new fresh start, in a town surrounded by people that love me.
Change is scary, and part of me will always love the man I hoped he could have been without the alcohol. But the truth is, I never knew that man , either. I sure have alot of work to do on my own codie self. But I GET IT NOW. This is my life, and that is his life, and I did the best I could.
I am at peace as to why this ended. And I am so grateful to the folks on this board, because as I start my new journey, filled with hope FOR MYSELF, I know that the posts and wisdom here will help me on the days that I miss him, and need those reality checks.
I have just started living in reality again, and it feels pretty great.
Hello all, I'm back. Soaking up all the wisdom that I can.
So yeah, I married my alcoholic a few weeks ago. I guess that somewhere inside of me, I was hoping that marriage would somehow make things better--that if he could see how much I loved him, that maybe he would stop hurting himself, and us, once and for all. How naive, right? I'm embarrassed that I actually had this thought process, but that is the codie in me.
We were great for about a week. Then, one night, I was expecting him home after work so we could have a lovely evening together, barbequeing. I was expecting him to call me for a ride, so at six o'clock, not having heard from him, I called him. He was drunk, and stoned, and had left work earlier that afternoon to go drinking with a buddy from work. I flipped out. He told me that buddy was going through hard times, and offered to buy J. some beers after work, so he could have an ear to pour his hard-times story into. Beers and shots, and a joint, actually. We had a huge fight, in which he informed me that if someone is buying the drinks, he is going to be there. I could see then that his alcoholism had won. That he would leave his new wife at home, who was expecting him for dinner, in order to go off drinking when he should have been working, was a "real-life" moment for me. We had a huge argument that night, and he punched a hole in my kitchen cupboard.
The second "real-life" moment came when I realized he had been lying to me about money again. I have been paying our bills, and keeping us fed out of my meagre part-time wages, and bank account I had set up to pay my mortgage fund. He had claimed that his last paycheck would be going toward paying off his bankruptcy, and he couldn't give me any money that month to put toward our bills. Turns out, he lied. He didn't put the money toward his responsibilities, but instead had been spending it on himself. So there I was, AGAIN, keeping us afloat, while my bank account dwindled. I finally GOT IT then--this man did not care about my best interests, and was just using me to keep afloat. I provided a beautiful home (which I own), a stocked refridgerator, birthday gifts for his kids, and a loving relationship, and he basically sat back and sucked it all in.
Oh, and the best part? I had to pay for my own wedding. We used my money, and he promised to pay me back his share. Of course, that never happened. I also lent him money to buy an amp when his amp blew before a gig. I haven't seen a penny of that, either.
About a week and a half ago, he went to jam with his bandmates. Instead of coming home after, he decided to stay and keep drinking. Never bothered to call to ask for a ride home, just sent me a text an hour after jam ended wondering where I was. He sent me the text, as opposed to calling, because he didn't actually want to get ahold of me--of course, any other time he needed to talk to me, he would call the house, or my cell numerous times. I finally called him at midnight, and he was drunk, and quite content to stay where he was, even though I was upset. I told him not to bother coming home again, and put all his stuff in the garage. He hasn't contacted me since, but has been by while I was at work, to grab some of his stuff.
I finally got it. Marriage was not going to change this man. It wasn't going to make his alcoholism go away. All the love, time, and money I spent waiting for all this wonderful "potential" to blossom was just a colossal waste of my time. He is an ADDICT--and now I truly get what that means. Finally, I am able to let go. He will never have my best interests at heart, and a marriage based on love and respect will simply be impossible.
Stupid hope kept me there, when I should have gotten away much, much sooner. But now I know. I took this relationship as far as I could, and the loss of his marriage isn't going to change anything for him. I know he will just move on to another enabler, and continue on as he has. I can't change him--I get it now. It took saying "I do" to realize I DON'T.
But I can change me. So, I have put my house up for sale, and am moving back to the east coast, where I was born. Once I get there, I will be filing for divorce. (thank you, solid pre-nup!) I have family there that loves me, and a beautiful house to move into. I will be thousands of miles away from him, and no longer consumed with his life choices. He doesn't get to hurt me anymore. And I get a brand new fresh start, in a town surrounded by people that love me.
Change is scary, and part of me will always love the man I hoped he could have been without the alcohol. But the truth is, I never knew that man , either. I sure have alot of work to do on my own codie self. But I GET IT NOW. This is my life, and that is his life, and I did the best I could.
I am at peace as to why this ended. And I am so grateful to the folks on this board, because as I start my new journey, filled with hope FOR MYSELF, I know that the posts and wisdom here will help me on the days that I miss him, and need those reality checks.
I have just started living in reality again, and it feels pretty great.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I have just started living in reality again, and it feels pretty great
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have had quite a wake-up call!
I wish you success and serenity in your new journey!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have had quite a wake-up call!
I wish you success and serenity in your new journey!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Sadly, I could have written your post as well. I stupidly thought marriage would change exah...I thought a baby would too. NOT! I also paid for most of the bills while all he did was lie and manipulate. I also paid for our wedding and for all of his stupid dysfunctional family to come as well.
Don't look back! You have a new wonderful life ahead of you.
Don't look back! You have a new wonderful life ahead of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Big hugs to you, paintbaby. I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain (and money...and stress...) in order to learn the lesson, but we're all right there with you on that. Sometimes, we have to hit our own bottom before we realize that we want a change in our lives.
I'm so glad you're on the road to a new life! Thanks for the inspiring story tonight.
I'm so glad you're on the road to a new life! Thanks for the inspiring story tonight.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Try not to be too hard on yourself.... Heck it took me 2 marriages and 10 years of dating the same type of man over and over to finally get it..... so your ahead of the game there.
I agree sometimes it takes a hard knock to finally get the message, but that is ok.... now you have the message and a plan.
I agree sometimes it takes a hard knock to finally get the message, but that is ok.... now you have the message and a plan.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
If there is one thing I could Tatoo on every Man, Woman, and Child (like the Guy from Memento) so that they would never forget it would be this:
Alcoholism always gets worse. It never gets better.
That fact is as certain as the Law of Gravity and there is simply no way around it (God knows I've tried). People ignore this fact at their own peril. It prolongs the countless Days, Weeks, Months, and Years of suffering for both the Alkie and the Codie.
If you believed going in to the Marriage that there was a 100% chance that the early misgivings you felt about his Alcoholism would get exponentially worse over time, would you have proceeded?
I wasted years trying to get better even after I got past the Denial phase and accepted the fact that I was an Alcoholic. I was desparately trying to find a way to get better (eliminate the consequences) and still be able to drink (all I wanted to).
It took me dozens of Alcoholic Beat Downs taking me right up to the brink of death before I finally surrendered. I honestly thought I would be the first guy in History to be able to Drink all they want and never have anything bad happen to them. Maybe in some Parallel Universe, but here and now it simply isn't possible for me or anyone else.
Alcohol..Cunning, Baffling....you bet.
Alcoholism always gets worse. It never gets better.
That fact is as certain as the Law of Gravity and there is simply no way around it (God knows I've tried). People ignore this fact at their own peril. It prolongs the countless Days, Weeks, Months, and Years of suffering for both the Alkie and the Codie.
If you believed going in to the Marriage that there was a 100% chance that the early misgivings you felt about his Alcoholism would get exponentially worse over time, would you have proceeded?
I wasted years trying to get better even after I got past the Denial phase and accepted the fact that I was an Alcoholic. I was desparately trying to find a way to get better (eliminate the consequences) and still be able to drink (all I wanted to).
It took me dozens of Alcoholic Beat Downs taking me right up to the brink of death before I finally surrendered. I honestly thought I would be the first guy in History to be able to Drink all they want and never have anything bad happen to them. Maybe in some Parallel Universe, but here and now it simply isn't possible for me or anyone else.
Alcohol..Cunning, Baffling....you bet.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Good for you for building a new life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah, no more pain!!!!!!!
Great hearing from you, its really sad to realize the bottomless pit, you keep throwing stuff there and it goes.. nowhere. But ultimately surrender is the path to freedom!!
Great hearing from you, its really sad to realize the bottomless pit, you keep throwing stuff there and it goes.. nowhere. But ultimately surrender is the path to freedom!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow paintbaby! What a horrible ride - but you are taking the good hard lessons out of it, it seems. Bravo for not staying stuck!!
Something I learned in AlAnon that has helped me enormously over the years:
"Hope is not a plan."
I'm not knocking hope-- hope keeps us alive sometimes...but since I learned this little phrase I always check in with myself when I am thinking "I hope...." about some rather large important thing, or about some other person's behavior that will impact my life
When I hear myself say "I hope..." I just double check that I am not setting myself up for a world of hurt! And that I am careful this isn't a situation that needs an actual reality-based PLAN instead of an "I hope..."
peace & good luck with the move East!
b
Something I learned in AlAnon that has helped me enormously over the years:
"Hope is not a plan."
I'm not knocking hope-- hope keeps us alive sometimes...but since I learned this little phrase I always check in with myself when I am thinking "I hope...." about some rather large important thing, or about some other person's behavior that will impact my life
When I hear myself say "I hope..." I just double check that I am not setting myself up for a world of hurt! And that I am careful this isn't a situation that needs an actual reality-based PLAN instead of an "I hope..."
peace & good luck with the move East!
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Thanks to everyone for your support and words of wisdom. It truly touches me.
I keep thinking back to the last argument I had with my STBXAH, when I confronted him about all the lies, lies, lies. His take? "I HAVE to lie to you!"
And now, I realize, of course you do. You're an addict. And this is what addicts have to do, in order to keep feeding the addiction. But I am a survivor, and I will recover from you, and the lies, and the financial abuse, and the disrespect, and the absolute grotesque dishonor of all my love and loyalty. And to that, I say "I HAVE to leave you!" Because I have to go find my own life, where I remember that MY happiness is important, as is peace of mind, and a sense of true hope and anticipation for a fulfilling future. Thanks for mercilessly showing me that I deserve so much, much better than this life I was trying to fool myself into having with you. This is me, leaving.
I keep thinking back to the last argument I had with my STBXAH, when I confronted him about all the lies, lies, lies. His take? "I HAVE to lie to you!"
And now, I realize, of course you do. You're an addict. And this is what addicts have to do, in order to keep feeding the addiction. But I am a survivor, and I will recover from you, and the lies, and the financial abuse, and the disrespect, and the absolute grotesque dishonor of all my love and loyalty. And to that, I say "I HAVE to leave you!" Because I have to go find my own life, where I remember that MY happiness is important, as is peace of mind, and a sense of true hope and anticipation for a fulfilling future. Thanks for mercilessly showing me that I deserve so much, much better than this life I was trying to fool myself into having with you. This is me, leaving.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Paintbaby...wow is all I can say. Thank you for sharing.
My early relationship was earily similar to yours including paying for the marriage. I tried to walk out 5 weeks into it too, but was not as strong as you and I succumbed to big crocodile tears and sweet presents from him. And I proceeded to fall down the rabbit hole into a land of trick mirrors.
I emerged 2 kids and 18 years later beat to pieces and in shreds. Good for you for SEEING and BELIEVING reality now. Alcoholism and codependency (in my case) only get worse.
My early relationship was earily similar to yours including paying for the marriage. I tried to walk out 5 weeks into it too, but was not as strong as you and I succumbed to big crocodile tears and sweet presents from him. And I proceeded to fall down the rabbit hole into a land of trick mirrors.
I emerged 2 kids and 18 years later beat to pieces and in shreds. Good for you for SEEING and BELIEVING reality now. Alcoholism and codependency (in my case) only get worse.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Never too late to START LIVING !!
Ugh, that dishonor phrase is exactly what I feel, I have never been so disrespected and mistreated in my life! thank God we were able to leave before anything worse happened. As it is sure to happen next to deceitful, volatile, unstable people.
Ugh, that dishonor phrase is exactly what I feel, I have never been so disrespected and mistreated in my life! thank God we were able to leave before anything worse happened. As it is sure to happen next to deceitful, volatile, unstable people.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so glad you didn't have to live through years of hell in a dysfunctional marriage to get to where you are at!
I too thought that marriage would change him. How sick I was!
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends! :ghug2
I too thought that marriage would change him. How sick I was!
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends! :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
paintbaby, You may not realise the reasons for our seeming joyful at you leaving your so short marriage, but believe me there are valid ones.
Not only our own years of more and worse consequences of our partner's addiction, but the tales from other young, newly partnered folk, who are hurt, bewildered and scared of the cruel situation they find themselves in. Unfortunately very few get out so quickly, and stay stuck in the increasing misery often for years, bringing children into the home and making it even harder to cope with or get away from the destruction caused by alcohol.
I commend you on your strength and determination to save yourself from going thru any more, and recognising that YOU deserve better and taking such swift action.
How I wish this could be less unusual and that others could escape before it takes such a toll of them and their futures.
Not only our own years of more and worse consequences of our partner's addiction, but the tales from other young, newly partnered folk, who are hurt, bewildered and scared of the cruel situation they find themselves in. Unfortunately very few get out so quickly, and stay stuck in the increasing misery often for years, bringing children into the home and making it even harder to cope with or get away from the destruction caused by alcohol.
I commend you on your strength and determination to save yourself from going thru any more, and recognising that YOU deserve better and taking such swift action.
How I wish this could be less unusual and that others could escape before it takes such a toll of them and their futures.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Paintbaby 
I keep thinking back to the last argument I had with my STBXAH, when I confronted him about all the lies, lies, lies. His take? "I HAVE to lie to you!"
And now, I realize, of course you do. You're an addict. And this is what addicts have to do, in order to keep feeding the addiction. But I am a survivor, and I will recover from you, and the lies, and the financial abuse, and the disrespect, and the absolute grotesque dishonor of all my love and loyalty. And to that, I say "I HAVE to leave you!" Because I have to go find my own life, where I remember that MY happiness is important, as is peace of mind, and a sense of true hope and anticipation for a fulfilling future. Thanks for mercilessly showing me that I deserve so much, much better than this life I was trying to fool myself into having with you. This is me, leaving.
And now, I realize, of course you do. You're an addict. And this is what addicts have to do, in order to keep feeding the addiction. But I am a survivor, and I will recover from you, and the lies, and the financial abuse, and the disrespect, and the absolute grotesque dishonor of all my love and loyalty. And to that, I say "I HAVE to leave you!" Because I have to go find my own life, where I remember that MY happiness is important, as is peace of mind, and a sense of true hope and anticipation for a fulfilling future. Thanks for mercilessly showing me that I deserve so much, much better than this life I was trying to fool myself into having with you. This is me, leaving.
Kudos to you.
CLMI
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