atdawn

Hello
Have not come on here for a long time... I have an AH, and a 5 and a 3 year old lovely kids. He stopped drinking for over a year after I threatened to leave if he drank again. Now he drinks again... started insidiously about 2 months ago. pattern now is he hides the drinks then I find him totally wasted at 3am. Yet I am still here... He does not work, sleeps all day, drinks in the night (or stays up doing god knows what on the computer). He is depressed, often verbally abusive. I never know what will set him off. Me forgetting to put a platic cup in the recycling bin, or sitting for 30 mins to watch TV instead of doing housework etc.... I could go on for hours talking about how fed up I am with him. 2 weeks ago I went to see a psy, because his drinking obviously is in full mode again and I want to leave. The trigger was is he is supposed to look after the kids when I go to work, but two mornings I had to go while he was still asleep. Went into work and then had to make an excuse to quickly come home see if they were OK and wake him up. And he was the one pissed off at me for checking up on him...
Anyways with the psy I worked out 2 choices to give him: he gets help or the marriage is over.
When I came home that day and presented him with the 2 choices, he did not say anything. Did not speak to me for 2 days.
I was going crazy, thinking he was going to kill himself, or kill us all (?!! sounds crazy and probably paranoid but I was really wondering he if was becoming a total psycho - and he has made weird 'jokes' before about digging shallow graves in the backyard....). then after the 2 days he finally talked to me again, being all nice again (but did not give me a clear answer to the 2 choices). I was so glad he was talking again I did not mention anything again (is he just mentally manipulating me, sometimes I think so). He did not drink again until last night. I am sick of this I want out.
I know I want to leave, I am not sure how to.
I am scared of his reaction, and also if we are separated I assume he will have right to see the kids and take them places without me, and I do not want those kids out of my sight...
My wish would be to be alone with the kids and him totally out of our lives. Is this even possible ?

swert

I have the same situation as you do. Just one more child ;-). My AH does the same things. We need to make the decisions ourselves but we can get all the informations and support here on SR. Kids should be first for you. I'm sure you know what a little kids like yours and mine are able to do when they are not supervised. Alcoholism is a progressing decease so once you understand this, plus the fact he won't stop you'll try to save the kids.

Chrysalis123

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. One of the best things I did for myself when I contemplated leaving was to go visit with several lawyers. I had no idea about the laws etc. and I was surprised (in a good way) about what would probably occur if I divorced. I had made the whole thing more terrible and impossible in my head...which paralyzed me for a bit. The facts helped to free me.

Also, I started documenting everything. That way I had a log of behaviors both his and mine in the event of a custody battle. Go see a lawyer for ideas on this and your particular situation as well.

Good luck to you.

laurie6781

Go see a lawyer. Whether you go for immediate divorce or legal separation, you can request that any visitation on his part be supervised.

I believe he has given you his answer as you said he drank again last night.

This is no longer about him. This is about you and the children and the safety of you and the children.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

ItsmeAlice

That's the tricky thing about ultimatums, they are great if the answer you get is the one you want. If not, you are stuck having to back up your own BS. Are you prepared to go on like this indefinitely?? Or are you really ready to pack it in??

It appears to me from his behavior that he waited those two days giving you the silent treatment to make you feel bad for giving him those 2 choices. When you didn't back up your (now a repeat) ultimatum, he won. No wonder he's nice as pie now, he has everything he wants. He has a housekeeper, a bill payer, a caretaker for his kids, a warm home, a full fridge, and best of all....his booze!

You cannot control or cure him. You can beg, plead, cry, yell, rant, rave, give orders, make rules, lay down the law, and even drag him to rehab for another go round, but the results in the end are the same....Until he is ready to quit for good (and he may never be) he will continue to drink and treat you and the kids the way he has been. Anytime his world is threatened..if you detach from his drama, if you file for divorce, if you start packing your stuff etc...he will throw a fit. He'll give you the silent treatment, he will be verbally abusive, or worse. He will do whatever he feels he has to do to manipulate you into giving up and staying where you are. You have to decide that you are now ready to quit his alcoholism for good then let nothing stop you.

1) Make a decision for you that does not hinder on him making a choice.
2) Make a plan that supports that decision.
3) See that plan to fruition no matter how he responds.

It is easier said than done, I know. There are so many variables and so many steps between where you are and where you want to be...but...take it from a girl who saw an opening and took it. It was damn hard and about the scariest thing I've ever done, but I did it anyway.

Best to you!!!

Alice

atdawn

Thank you so much to all of you for your replies. Am seeing the psy again on the 14th and will definitely see lawyers too. Am so scared but I think I am ready for this.

TakingCharge999

atdawn, I admire the resolve I hear. One day you will wake up in a home where addiction does no exist. And it will all be worth it, and it will all be part of the past. Hang in there and let us know how you do ((hugs))

tallulah

It's hard.. there is all this unknown stuff and no way of telling how it will pan out. Then you look at what you do know... it is worse than anything you can imagine your future without the A to be?

It's ok to be a little selfish and selfless for your kids. It's ok to want more than you are being given. I think it's ok to be concerned about weird jokes about shallow graves.

I don't know what the law in your state says... but I think it is ok to want more.. :ghug2

naive

hi at dawn-

you are not paranoid to go home and check on the children that were left with a sleeping drunk! follow your gut and don't you worry about his response.

for myself, i didn't know how to leave either. what i did is i started writing out my tentative plans here at SR and everyone brainstormed with me and we all came up with many options. it was very helpful and many people came up with ideas which had escaped me.

we're here, if we can help out, just call on us.

naive

Still Waters

I had the exact same thoughts! Exact. It's not a good feeling at all.

What support do you have? Family? Friends?

atdawn

quick update. went to see the psy again, he is very supportive. I was feeling more anger this time, like a box has been open and everything is ready to spill out. I am ready for this. Will call lawyer on Monday to make appointment. The psy is going on vacation but when he gets back we will meet again to set a plan of action, in the meantime I will have seen the lawyer so will probably know a bit more about the whole D thing.
Also wanted to say that I don't tend to write much but I have been reading a lot of posts these days and I am truly grateful for this forum and all of you sharing your stories, truly inspiring... THANK YOU

atdawn

No I don't have any support, he kind of cut me out of everyone ....

Still Waters

Then start building some.

Start with the domestic abuse hotline, they can give you numbers for local help, women's shelters (in case you need them), help with money and attorneys, food, daycare etc.

1-800-799-7233

Between them, your attorney, and your therapist you should have a good start at what you need to do when you're ready to do it.

blessed4x

I think you've done the hardest part. Taking that first step in my leap of faith was absolutely the hardest for me anyway. Once I started moving forward amazing things happened.

I worried about the kids being with my XAH too. My youngest are 6 and 5. Turns out he didn't want to see them at all. Part of it is "punishing me" in hopes that I won't be able to move on or have a life without him....didn't work. The other part is that he doesn't know how to be a dad, on his own, without me swooping in to arrange everything. At first I was infuriated that he could abandon his children. I still have moments of anger because I will be the one that has to help them work through it, if they ever can at all. I now think it's probably a gift that he's not involved with them.

whyamistaying

I'm in the same situation with two small children. I wanted to let you know I admire you. I am glad you are sticking up for yourself. And I agree that he made his decision by drinking. It really stinks. I'm sorry you are going through this.

hadenoughnow

Start reconnecting with them if you can and explain your situation, you will be surprised at the support and understanding you get. The isolation makes us think that no one will understand or care, that is not usually the case.

4peasinapod

atdawn,

I am in the same situation as you and all I can offer is keep visiting SR (everyone is helping me more than they could possibly know!) and try not to tackle everything at once. When I look at the "big picture" and everything I need to do or take care of to get out (safely and alive) I start to get overwhelmed and freeze up. I am really trying to break it down into managable steps, and I know that's easier said than done.. my mind is alway trying to race 3 steps ahead and start with the "what if's".

Hang in there! I really don't have any support system either (other than here). So please think of it this way... if you feel you have noone who cares or understands... remember SR and 4 peas definitely does!

Venice

I'm in a similar situation but my kids are 14, 16 and 18. I can't stand my AH anymore and would feel the same way even if he stopped drinking. He continually gets in my kids' faces and yells at them, he's manipulative and mean! He intersperses this with being the "nice guy". He's been physically violent in the past but not in recent years. I want to get out of the marriage but feel paralyzed with fear about exactly how to go about it, I spoke to a lawyer on the phone and your post reinforced to me that I should just go ahead and see the lawyer in person to alleviate my fears and help me come up with a strategy to separate. I also don't have much support among family and friends but I recently confided to my sister and felt better for having done so.

I'm sorry you're going through this and know that you're not alone. Good luck to you.

TakingCharge999

I wanted to say all you corageous women leaving abusive situations have my respect and admiration. And I would like to remind all of you that there is life out there where love and affection reign and where there are laughs and good times, we women were made for so much more, and have an extraordinary capacity to love ourselves and bring joy to us and the ones we love, our kids, close family members and cherished friends.

MeHandle

Sorry you have to suffer through this but you go girl! WHen i focus on doing what i know is right i am strengthened and lose sight of my "scaredness". I surrender my decisions up to God and ask for strength.

And what Laurie said.:-) He surrender the priviledge of your partnership back to alcohol. So "you go girl!"