CAAW

So, I've been reading this forum and feel so drawn to many of you. I mentioned that I was reading "Life strategies" by Dr. Phil with the counselor and working on assignment #6...well, below is what the assignment is and is 1 of my 5 answers to the assignment.

"Assignment #6: Let's call time out and deal with the specifics of your life. I'm going to ask you to open your confidential journal and write a list of the five most frustrating and persistent negative behavioral patterns or situations in your life. Be thorough in your description of each. For each one, identify the specific behavior; describe the pattern; and try to put in words the degree of its intensity. Then write down two or three sentences explaining why you find this behavior or situation negative. Next comes the hard part: For each of the five, make your best effort to analyze, identify, and write down the payoff that is feeding and maintaining this negative behavioral pattern." (Assignment from "Life Strategies" by Dr. Phil.)

1 of my answers:

Negative behavioral pattern: I keep ignoring Jim's drinking. Telling myself it isn't really that bad. Enabling it by buying beer for him when I go to the store. Trying to just act like he doesn't have a problem "it's not that big of a deal" or he starts doing nice things for me so I let the battle of his alcoholism go. I seem to think I don't deserve to have a full healthy relationship so I take what I can get. The biggest issue of this is that it is not only impacting me and my life it will impact my children's life. It will set the example for them in what is healthy and what is not healthy. I've talked to him about my feelings around it and he doesn't care. He just wants me to deal and in the end that is what I always do. I think he knows I will deal since I always have. He does say though he's not changing it "so either deal with it or leave"
Payoff: 1. I have my family together.
2. I don't have to be alone and I have someone to "love me"
3. The kids still have their dad on a full time basis.
4. I have more of financial stability with us being together.
5. I worry about what would happen to him if I actually decided to separate with him and potionally divorce him. I love him and don't want anything bad to happen to him so by ignoring it I don't have to worry about that.
6. It's easier to stay together than to face the real issue because fixing it is going to be SUPER hard. If I have to make the step to separate I don't think I can even began to comprehend how difficult it is going to be. So I just put up with it or make excuses for it. Laugh it off...
7. This is very superficial, but people that don't know us still think we have it together and things are good. I am not the gossip of the day, week, month…

Still Waters

Sounds familiar

Chrysalis123

I'll play devil's advocate and use what you wrote here to base my assumptions on.

1. Is your family together in an emotional and spiritual sense? I know you are physically in the same home, but what else is is there?

2. Do you have a deep intimate bond with him? Seems he told you to deal with his addiction or leave... How is this meeting your needs and the needs of your kids? He gets to do what he wants but what about the best interests of the others in the family?

3. See #1 and #2. Your kids are learning a lot about relationships from this, even if you think they are not. Read around on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum for more info on this.

4. What if he causes a death through a DUI or himself is hospitalized due to alcohol related illness. How are your finances protected?

5. Is he worrying about you? Actually who is concerned about you and the kids? He made this mess, he is a grown man and not another child, and it is time for HIM to handle his messes instead of you.

6. Boy do I relate to this one! That was my biggest denial tool. Nothing changed until I changed. I did not change until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of it all.

7. It all boils down to what you want. Not what others want or talk about. Your real friends will stick by you and probably know a lot more than you realize.

Great work you are doing on yourself!

TakingCharge999

7 Although it was not a divorce but a breakup, I was the gossip for months, how silly I was for ignoring his drinks, how great he was doing, how bad and sad I looked, that "he left me because I'm boring and all the girls in town are fun and beautiful" yadda yadda

And look, nothing happened I just know who my friends really are now. Made new friends that bring NO TRIGGERS AT ALL. Even met someone special...

Granted got my codie moments/days/weeks/months but honestly who cares about others who are not your friends? they are not there living with an active alcoholic. THEY CAN QUACK ALL THEY WANT besides they don't have to know all the details. I made the mistake of talking with questionable people.


Lesson #35832058921607: Don't talk to anyone about personal things, who you don't trust 100%!

tjp613

The ones that stuck out for me were #3 and #6:

#3 - Is being with their dad full time really a GOOD thing????? Think about that one long and hard.

#6 - You just have to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. If you look at the whole picture you get overwhelmed and paralyzed. You keep your eye on the prize and do whatever it takes to get there. If you go into a recovery program (al-anon) you will see that you have many alternatives in how to deal. You don't HAVE TO leave, but you DO have discontinue your role in enabling the alcoholic.

tjp613

CAAW - Check out this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2323772

brundle

I'm not one to talk; here I am in my second addict relationship that I didn't leave. But... I did leave my first one after 6 years at that time I was working and owned my own home. I was only 24 and I had a 6 year old and a 2 year old. The 7 1/2 years alone where the best of my life. (If you ask my kids they remember it that way too.)

Let me tell you alone is way better then being with an addict! It was like the weight of the world was off my shoulders when he finally wasn't my problem anymore.

Within 24 hours I was in line to see the grand opening of Jurassic Park (the first one) I felt so free. It was great!

Money, is my only issue. Can't live without it. Bloody dang MS. Otherwise alone is WAY, WAY better.

blessed4x

Wow, my list looked ALOT like yours a year ago. Let me show you what I heve found now that I am on "the other side".

1. I have my family together. We are doing more "family" things than ever (the kids and I). Family meals are tension-free.
2. I don't have to be alone and I have someone to "love me" I was much lonlier in my marriage than I am now. My XAH may have loved me, but his true love was his alcohol.
3. The kids still have their dad on a full time basis. Ditto the others....my kids had their dad physically, but mentally and emotionally he was far away. They have adjusted fine to not having him here.
4. I have more of financial stability with us being together. Not sure how, and no one could have convinced me of this, but my finances are more stable now than ever. My XAH worked, and contributed, but financially I am doing better now.
5. I worry about what would happen to him if I actually decided to separate with him and potionally divorce him. I love him and don't want anything bad to happen to him so by ignoring it I don't have to worry about that. I was able to learn to love my XAH as a fellow-human and father of my children. I wish him the best, pray for his recovery, and keep my hands out of his business. He found AA after I filed, but unfortunately he does not seem to be in "recovery".
6. It's easier to stay together than to face the real issue because fixing it is going to be SUPER hard. If I have to make the step to separate I don't think I can even began to comprehend how difficult it is going to be. So I just put up with it or make excuses for it. Laugh it off... Fixing "it" was too much for me, so I decided to fix me. Not to say I haven't had hard days, because I have, but overall it's been easier than the life I was living.
7. This is very superficial, but people that don't know us still think we have it together and things are good. I am not the gossip of the day, week, month… I thought that too.....but everyone knew. My neighbors knew, the parents at my kids school knew, my family knew. I wasn't nearly as good of an actress as I thought.

That's just my experience. Once I started taking care of me everything became so much easier.