In Mourning
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
In Mourning
I think I have entered the true mourning stage.
When he left 6 months ago with $600 in his pocket and the delusion that he could still drink and not move on to drugs, gambling, women, and the rest, I was simply in shock.
I think I have been in shock this whole time, walking around dumbfounded since then. I've had brief moments of anger in my intermittent dealings with him; I've had isolated times of crying and pain in my heart; and I've had moments of pure fear and anxiety over his phone calls and hearing what he had been up to.
But now I have been sad for weeks, unable to climb out of it. I haven't known what that was but I think today I know.
Today I see that I mourn the loss of my good friend from so long ago. I mourn the days when we were young and carefree and I looked up to him. I mourn the sweetness and kindness of this man, and his ability to solve any problem. I mourn the loss of the joy we had together in our youth; the loss of the more recent, happy times; and the loss of the beautiful future together that was meant to be.
When I saw him the other week I did not recognize him at all. I was dumbfounded and speechless again when he arrived at my door unannounced. By the time he left I felt like I had just seen a ghost. The shell of the man I once knew and loved and cared for.
And when I walked out the door this afternoon, after the morning rain, suddenly I saw his face and felt the pain and loss all over again. Feelings of love and happiness from recent days we spent outside at the Farm. I realized that it was the smell of the outside and the recent rain on the grass that brought back all these memories and feelings.
I wonder how long I will be held captive by all this. I wonder how long it will be before I care about anything ever again. I wonder what is the lesson I was meant to learn.
Has anyone else ever experienced such vivid memories and strong feelings from something they smell?
When he left 6 months ago with $600 in his pocket and the delusion that he could still drink and not move on to drugs, gambling, women, and the rest, I was simply in shock.
I think I have been in shock this whole time, walking around dumbfounded since then. I've had brief moments of anger in my intermittent dealings with him; I've had isolated times of crying and pain in my heart; and I've had moments of pure fear and anxiety over his phone calls and hearing what he had been up to.
But now I have been sad for weeks, unable to climb out of it. I haven't known what that was but I think today I know.
Today I see that I mourn the loss of my good friend from so long ago. I mourn the days when we were young and carefree and I looked up to him. I mourn the sweetness and kindness of this man, and his ability to solve any problem. I mourn the loss of the joy we had together in our youth; the loss of the more recent, happy times; and the loss of the beautiful future together that was meant to be.
When I saw him the other week I did not recognize him at all. I was dumbfounded and speechless again when he arrived at my door unannounced. By the time he left I felt like I had just seen a ghost. The shell of the man I once knew and loved and cared for.
And when I walked out the door this afternoon, after the morning rain, suddenly I saw his face and felt the pain and loss all over again. Feelings of love and happiness from recent days we spent outside at the Farm. I realized that it was the smell of the outside and the recent rain on the grass that brought back all these memories and feelings.
I wonder how long I will be held captive by all this. I wonder how long it will be before I care about anything ever again. I wonder what is the lesson I was meant to learn.
Has anyone else ever experienced such vivid memories and strong feelings from something they smell?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey there,
Sorry you are blue.
This phrase is so bad, but it is true. Time heals.
We all move at different rates in the grieving process. I was in shock for about 2-3 months. Not believing he did what he did. It just takes time. Filling the sadness with things that make you feel good helps. Doing things that are good for you can help. Exercise always helps me feel better when I am sad. The air, endorphins. Chocolate cake, movies, baths, massages, talking with friends, trying new things, going out of town, reading a good book. These are all things that have helped me. The pain is still there, but momentarily it lifts and that time without aching pain can be renewing.
Hugs
Miss
Sorry you are blue.
This phrase is so bad, but it is true. Time heals.
We all move at different rates in the grieving process. I was in shock for about 2-3 months. Not believing he did what he did. It just takes time. Filling the sadness with things that make you feel good helps. Doing things that are good for you can help. Exercise always helps me feel better when I am sad. The air, endorphins. Chocolate cake, movies, baths, massages, talking with friends, trying new things, going out of town, reading a good book. These are all things that have helped me. The pain is still there, but momentarily it lifts and that time without aching pain can be renewing.
Hugs
Miss
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Learn2Live,
I think it is very good for you to recognize your feelings and sitting with them even if they are uncomfortable. No one does that. Most people are out there doing anything not to feel what hurts, so kudos to you.
I feel there is a DJ out there tuning and turning all these buttons, sometimes the high note is anger, sometimes its just longing and nothing else, sometimes its a mix of everything... and triggers SUCK. Colors, places, people, phrases, movements, smells, sheesh.
For me I guess the shock will always be there.
It sucks to see the progression. How can it not hurt? I hope your sadness subsides soon...
I think it is very good for you to recognize your feelings and sitting with them even if they are uncomfortable. No one does that. Most people are out there doing anything not to feel what hurts, so kudos to you.
I feel there is a DJ out there tuning and turning all these buttons, sometimes the high note is anger, sometimes its just longing and nothing else, sometimes its a mix of everything... and triggers SUCK. Colors, places, people, phrases, movements, smells, sheesh.
For me I guess the shock will always be there.
It sucks to see the progression. How can it not hurt? I hope your sadness subsides soon...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
L2L,
Thank you for posting about your feelings. It is comforting to see that it isn't always wine and roses when a relationship dies this kind of slow death. Because it doesn't feel that way where I am.
It's been only a week since I've seen my XABF, but I have talked to him on the phone. I will soon have to stop any contact at all because it makes me so sad to hear the intoxication and self-pity in his voice.
I finally saw my Mom today after a long time apart (entirely different codependency drama there). I think I must have expressed how exhausted I am to her a hundred different ways. She just nodded in support and reminded me it would pass. But pass into what???? I want to be confident and independent, no sad and mournful, but I'll have to pass through it at some point.
L2L, who knows how the brain truly works and what will prompt an emotion to crop up. I am trying now to condition myself to let my emotions come through and let myself feel them. I think if I try to suppress them and act like I'm fine, I will only pay for that in the end. No rain, no rainbows, right?
Alice
Thank you for posting about your feelings. It is comforting to see that it isn't always wine and roses when a relationship dies this kind of slow death. Because it doesn't feel that way where I am.
It's been only a week since I've seen my XABF, but I have talked to him on the phone. I will soon have to stop any contact at all because it makes me so sad to hear the intoxication and self-pity in his voice.
I finally saw my Mom today after a long time apart (entirely different codependency drama there). I think I must have expressed how exhausted I am to her a hundred different ways. She just nodded in support and reminded me it would pass. But pass into what???? I want to be confident and independent, no sad and mournful, but I'll have to pass through it at some point.
L2L, who knows how the brain truly works and what will prompt an emotion to crop up. I am trying now to condition myself to let my emotions come through and let myself feel them. I think if I try to suppress them and act like I'm fine, I will only pay for that in the end. No rain, no rainbows, right?
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi learn2live-
i would imagine that many of us share your sadness and shock. i wonder if it is because for us, the relationship is real, and for them, it's more defined by what we can do for them, what kindof environment we can provide, etc.
it's upsetting to realize that what is real for us, isn't real for them. they prove this over and over by replacing us without even a backwards glance. it hurts. believe me, i know.
for myself, i obssessed for a bit about his new love life and then found it best to detach from the whole thing. the reality is, of course, we could do exactly the same but we don't, because, at least for me, i knew i needed time to heal myself before i really had anything to offer to another man.
they don't do this, because they aren't wired the same way. it appears that it is much more what they can get from the new person : comfort, housing, money, no hassle drinking, trust (because the new one isn't wise to their ways yet) etc.
for myself, i find it best to try to content myself with simple things. i like opening the curtains in the morning to a new day; i also like the time of day when i close all the curtains again and get cozy for the night in.
it doesn't bother me that i am alone. i am alone by choice. i am alone because i am choosing to confront my issues and i know that takes time. i am alone because, hey, i like my own company actually. i am alone because i want to be.
sure, we could both run out and get someone else like they do rather than sit here. but that doesn't seem healthy to me. it might be easier than this soul-searching, but i know that at the end, i'm going to come out even stronger and so are you
go easy with yourself. you've been through a betrayal. one day at a time.
naive
i would imagine that many of us share your sadness and shock. i wonder if it is because for us, the relationship is real, and for them, it's more defined by what we can do for them, what kindof environment we can provide, etc.
it's upsetting to realize that what is real for us, isn't real for them. they prove this over and over by replacing us without even a backwards glance. it hurts. believe me, i know.
for myself, i obssessed for a bit about his new love life and then found it best to detach from the whole thing. the reality is, of course, we could do exactly the same but we don't, because, at least for me, i knew i needed time to heal myself before i really had anything to offer to another man.
they don't do this, because they aren't wired the same way. it appears that it is much more what they can get from the new person : comfort, housing, money, no hassle drinking, trust (because the new one isn't wise to their ways yet) etc.
for myself, i find it best to try to content myself with simple things. i like opening the curtains in the morning to a new day; i also like the time of day when i close all the curtains again and get cozy for the night in.
it doesn't bother me that i am alone. i am alone by choice. i am alone because i am choosing to confront my issues and i know that takes time. i am alone because, hey, i like my own company actually. i am alone because i want to be.
sure, we could both run out and get someone else like they do rather than sit here. but that doesn't seem healthy to me. it might be easier than this soul-searching, but i know that at the end, i'm going to come out even stronger and so are you
go easy with yourself. you've been through a betrayal. one day at a time.
naive
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Yep on the smell thing, and scenic memories too.
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" blessed are those who mourn , for they will be comforted"
Mourning shows your healthy and moving. Mourning is part of a healing process of surrender. I hope you find yourself surrounded in love by others as you go through this.
I will lift you up in prayer for a few days Learn2Live. We are suppose to mourn with those who mourn, but with god we are those who have hope in our mourning.
I haven't been through this final stage of mourning yet.( I am guessing this is part of the final stage mourning.) Your wonderful words of your journey help me to remember that i will need love and support when this comes for me, at divorce time with stbxah. Since we still live in the same house( and it appears we will be until the divorce itself) a lot is going to hit me at one time, I know.
Supporting you in what small way i can on a journey we share in common.
lots of love coming your way,
tammy
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" blessed are those who mourn , for they will be comforted"
Mourning shows your healthy and moving. Mourning is part of a healing process of surrender. I hope you find yourself surrounded in love by others as you go through this.
I will lift you up in prayer for a few days Learn2Live. We are suppose to mourn with those who mourn, but with god we are those who have hope in our mourning.
I haven't been through this final stage of mourning yet.( I am guessing this is part of the final stage mourning.) Your wonderful words of your journey help me to remember that i will need love and support when this comes for me, at divorce time with stbxah. Since we still live in the same house( and it appears we will be until the divorce itself) a lot is going to hit me at one time, I know.
Supporting you in what small way i can on a journey we share in common.
lots of love coming your way,
tammy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 11
I am going through the same thing right now. Today a friend sent me an invitation to go to a Pat Conroy book reading - he's my AH's favorite author and it just knocked the wind out of me. I actually talked to my AH earlier in the week (after not speaking for several weeks) and he was sober, coherent, kind and so sad. Hearing him like that brought back all the happy, healthy memories. The first time he told me he loved me... the day we had our engagement pictures taken....the honeymoon....our first Christmas.... etc. But I just keep reminding myself of the godawful memories of him disappearing for days.... finding vodka in the laundry basket... the smell of alcohol on his breath as he insists that he's not drinking..... The truth is that for most of us there are very strong, moving, sometimes overwhelming happy memories. And for a long time, there was also hope. What he have to do now is see the whole picture, the good and the bad. And we have to commit to finding a new life with a lot more peace and a lot less dread. It's so hard. I know. It's hard for me every day. When I'm at my lowest, I turn on my favorite songs (only fast songs that make me dance and sing). At first I usually cry while trying to sing the words, then i smile, then i bust out laughing and singing. Best thing i've found. We are worthy of happiness and we are loved and there will be more laughing and more dancing.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you, everyone, for your replies. Every one of them, and every word of them, are beautiful to me. Thank you so much for sharing yourselves and your hearts with me. It brings tears to my eyes but I don't feel so very alone now.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
A wise lady here once told me that the only way to get past grief, was to stare it straight in the eyes and walk through it and know that it won't last forever.
Another wise lady here told me once to be careful of dead end streets and not to hang out there long.
Grief is a pain we all have to go through in life, for many reasons. What helps me is to make myself spend some time each day getting out of myself. Going to meetings helped surround myself with support. A good book could take my head and thoughts some place better, and lunch with a friend who will make me smile always helps a little.
It's about balance. Feeling the emotion, dealing with it as best we can and then taking our minds some safe place to rest.
I don't know if this will help, but I know those wise ladies have helped me many times when I faced pain.
Hugs
Another wise lady here told me once to be careful of dead end streets and not to hang out there long.
Grief is a pain we all have to go through in life, for many reasons. What helps me is to make myself spend some time each day getting out of myself. Going to meetings helped surround myself with support. A good book could take my head and thoughts some place better, and lunch with a friend who will make me smile always helps a little.
It's about balance. Feeling the emotion, dealing with it as best we can and then taking our minds some safe place to rest.
I don't know if this will help, but I know those wise ladies have helped me many times when I faced pain.
Hugs
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks for the "dead end" message. Sometimes I still dwell on the hows, why and need to repeat "he is an addict, they do that, he is an addict, its what they do" and its true some patterns are a dead end and you could linger there the rest of your life without any other extra thought to put it all to rest.
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