TakingCharge999

I just went to have lunch with a coworker who said

"Everyone thinks your ex is a jerk. Even his team. He was the one who looked bad, not you."

I wanted to share this because I suffered a lot trying to "control" what others knew about our breakup reasons and I heard the rumors ex was saying about me, etc etc etc

Turns out everyone has seen who he is and who I am and has concluded the same thing.

So do not be fooled and think the alcoholic in your life is making everybody believe their stuff. There are many who don't / even if they don't say it to you directly.

Bottomline, I know this external validation is not very much recovery-like but still feels good to know that I did not imagine everything and people see reality for what it is.

One day more without my DOC and I am starting to really feel I am just better off without him. Just like an alcoholic without a drink. Any DOC is a false door.

TakingTime

Thank you for this, I needed this today, as right now it seems everyone XABF knows thinks he is hunky-dorey and I'm the bitch. I really have to let go of it! Half of them are alcoholics too anyway.

Still Waters

Yes, thank you - my AH is busy talking it up also.

TakingCharge999

Man can't they just stop quacking.

There is a lot of hurt and then to top it off with rumors and new enablers right away. Then parade them. I mean, what else can they do?

An alcoholic has an arsenal of weapons I am just glad I will never ever live or break up with any other alcoholic once again.

I am starting to get glad I am finally getting past it all (I want to thank the Lexapro company for their great antidepressant, by the way) and I hope one day I feel this peace without help from meds.

I am finally realizing I made ex and alcohol my Personal Gods too. Someone else's alcoholism has ruined my life for 2 years.

Well living life without addictions is so damn wonderful. I have missed this peace!

I have overheard ex a hundred times already and now have a back seat to his life. His life revolves entirely around alcohol and parties now.

There is just no stopping him.

And I feel ambivalence.

To the guy I knew before this, my friend, I put him in the hands of God and I am glad he is an extremely lucky guy and hope he outlives us all.

To the guy he became I have conflicting feelings, I want him to feel what he made me feel, I want his alcoholic gf to put him through all the alcoholic things alcoholics do. I hope I can be humble enough to give God/HP all this resentment. I do not know why I am holding into it...

I am trying to understand that forgiving is not forgetting and forgiving is NOT saying "what you did was ok" but "what you did won't be an obstacle between me and the life i want to live and enjoy"

MissFixit

For what it is worth, TC and I are about on the same timeline of separation from our A's. The last thing I heard a month ago was that "friends" knew he was full of BS and an A. They were keeping distance. This wasn't all, but the stable folks. Leaches remain.

People seem to figure things out on their own given time.

kwigers

I know I am in trouble when I have to dis-empower another person to make myself feel better. There is never a reason for me to personally harm another, my own truth is that we are all connected, and when I cause harm to another I am harming my self as well. I am harming the world, and adding to the hatred within the world.
Sobriety has given me many many gifts and one of those is choice. I can choose today to work towards being peaceful, but it begins within me. Today I "try" to live a life in which I can add to the peace movement, by practicing being a more loving and compassionate human being.
My truth is that no matter what your ex is capable of or not capable of, he is a human being that matters, and struggles with his own stuff, just as yourself. No matter what fear you have going on about your own self worth, you are worthy, you are important and you matter!
Much love and light to you.
~Cheryl


“There is no such thing as right and wrong, there's just popular opinion.”

Jeffrey Goines quotes

TakingCharge999

Kwigers you are just so ahead of the game it is just a different game altogether LOL

I read when you hurt someone once you hurt yourself a hundred times. i guess its true...

I have repeated the same old cassette

=he matters a lot
=he doesnt need me
=he can be happy without me
=he can choose new partners and enjoy their company without guilt

And now i am trying to see that is true FOR ME TOO

=I matter
=I dont need him
=I CAN be happy without him
=I can choose new partners and enjoy their company without guilt

Compassion? Oh I am light years away from that... I can feel lots of compassion for his Jekyll side, but what does one do with Hyde? how can one feel compassion while remembering so many hurtful events?

TakingTime

I'm struggling with this too, the feeling of having ruined my life for 3 1/2 years in my case. Just thinking - my god, what a mess I got my life into by trailing along on this bandwagon of denial. I came here, moved to this country, got off to a great start, then self-destructed by getting involved in the relationship with my XABF...and breaking up with him, then getting back together multiple times...I am needing to forgive MYSELF too for my stupidity and blindness. Much gentleness required!

Still Waters

Yes, me too, exactly.

TakingCharge999

I feel really bad with myself for being a doormat and shutting up because I was afraid of his reactions or his friends reactions. Sheesh I just want to go back in time and slap myself LOL shake myself and say "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!?" and go back to the one night he came stumbling to my house demanding sex and the next day I drove him home as he was totally wasted - of course his friends didnt give a damn about him driving - I thought I was a good friend - I even told the policeman not to let that guy out of that street or he would kill himself or someone - sheesh / and so many other instances where I felt invisible

Then anvilhead said "it was never your job to prevent this or to foresee abuse" (or something like that) ... I have repeated that to myself so many times.............

I believe that is a therapy exercise, to go back to traumatic events and be there as the old you and also as the New You and have the New You kick butt to the Villian In The Story and rescue the old you (who is also the inner child). I will ask my therapist..... by now I know her kids are going to MIT and Stanford, I mean she gets ALL my money, and at this rate I will also pay their Masters in Europe LOL

kwigers

The ego is always looking for another avenue into victimization: -)
The belief that an alcoholic or alcoholism or my stupidity "ruined" my life. Is this true at all?
Is my life really "ruined"?
Or am I exactly where I am suppose to be right now in this moment?
Is there anything to forgive or be forgiven for, or is this still another ego driven belief?
The big book states that "nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by accident."
If I am given choice in sobriety, I am given choice in my beliefs today.
I can choose to believe I need forgiveness, thus until I receive it...poor me.
I can choose to believe I need to spend a great deal of time trying to figure out how to forgive another...thus poor him, her or them.
Or I could choose to believe the statement in the big book, and everyone is released from all of it! I am freed up to do something other than feel dis empowered by someone or dis empowering someone! We all become free from what ever it was...or whatever we thought it was.
What if there really is nothing to forgive?
What if no one gets to be wrong today?
What if everyone gets to be innocent?
What if everyone gets to be show up today in all their humanness?
~Cheryl

TakingCharge999

Thanks kwiger I will ponder those thoughts today..

Its difficult to me to accept there is room for his happiness and also for mine...

If there are scars its because there was hurt.

Its true, forgiveness only comes from God/HP so I may just as well drop that idea of forgiving him or myself and just hand my mess to the higher power ... hey, YOU sort this one out..

I have issues with the victim thing because there are many that know a person and even with repeated events that make them feel bad they stay and stay and expect otherwise.

And there are others that as soon as they realized the partner was an alcoholic left... that does not mean it does not hurt as hell either.

Thanks for the food for thought!!!!!

kwigers

Byron Katie says something to the effect of.
I may be a victim to another once, (he may hit me once)
but if I go around a second time
and he hits me again -
I am the one responsible for getting hit, because I know that, "hey, this is a guy who hits people." He is simply being who he is.
Well, she says it much more eloquently...I hope I got the thought across...

TakingCharge999

Yeah kwigers

I believe I am among the first group... at the first event I really believed his empty apologies and tears. At the second time I got suspicious and said "mmmmmmmmm, he HAD said this before.."... by the third time I was taking a cab to live somewhere else...

How quickly you left the alcoholic does not mean its easier to heal yourself.. I have noticed words and a few phrases, single events that do not seem that traumatic- can take years to truly heal.

I am just rambling a lot on this thread huh, I guess I am under this ambivalence of trying to enjoy my present and look fwd to the future but then I am also looking back and trying to believe it was all a nightmare... a bad dream. So many memories strike me because of triggers and also out of the blue.....

Freedom1990

It took me many years to finally reach the point of acceptance with a lot of my past, and be grateful that all of it made me who I am today, definitely a better person.

Don't ever underestimate the importance of working through the grief process, TakingCharge.

:ghug2

tallulah

I know that some people think my ex is unlucky/wronged in some way and some may even think he was justified... but those are the people who have only heard his side.. and he has a vested interest in looking anything but what he is.. a violent and abusive man. Do I care what these people think? No... what they think of me is none of my business.

During that relationship and when I first 'got out'... I thought everything was pretty much mostly,, if not all my fault. But that's because I bought into it. When I realised maybe it isn't all my fault, I needed some external validation (especially from people who were observers and not allied to either party) that that was indeed the case. That was like my little bridge to get over it.

Now I don't need it. I don't need to hear what he did was wrong and I didn't deserve it.. I don't need to hear that he is ill... I don't need to hear that he is happy/sad/better off without me/stupid for losing me. All I need to hear is that I'm me, I'm ok, I'm appreciated for me and that I have a right to be happy and give and receive love without condition. I don't NEED to hear about him at all.

LearningOne

I agree with the God's will argument.

Seems like there are many "benefits" to our past exposure to our alcoholics - like recognizing how precious sober life is in general, accepting the imperfections in ourselves and others, and helping others recover from their experiences with alcoholics.

I bet our past even saves a few of us from becoming alcoholics some day ourselves.

tallulah

Amen to this...

I am not a victim.. I am a survivor who has grown from the experience. I have said this before but I am thankful to the A for coming into my life and in some odd way for the way it all panned out and ended... had he not

I would have not met some of the people who I count as very dear and close friends
I would not have discovered that I have a greater capacity for love and care than I imagined
I would not have met my Al-Anon groups etc
I would not have discovered my red-flag-ometer
I would not have re-discovered my appreciation and love of many things
I would not have met a wonderful man who could possibly be someone I have a relationship with
I would not have re-discovered a wonderful man who could possibly be someone I have a relationship with
I would never have appreciated how lucky I was to be alive...

etc etc etc..


instead of viewing the negative... accentuate the positive..

TakingCharge999

You are all totally right...

Its so easy to fall back in the "old thinking" !!!!!! UGH I advance at a snail's pace.

Back to the original post... after my rambles LOL...

The coworker was talking about a girlfriend he had at work, his comment came out of the blue... I certainly know how it is like to "fish" for external validation.. I did it for months.. I plead guilty to that one and no its never satisfying if you do not believe YOUR view is valid as no one was there in your shoes.

Its life right, when you need stuff it doesn't come and when you can say "OK, BE that way I don't care anymore" there it is.

I thought those comments help me because I myself go into denial many times and minimize stuff, those comments help me go back to reality and keep me away from him...

Its diff to meet an alcoholic at early stages.. well.. at ANY time... I just re hash the hurt and re hash it again... when do I know if its a healthy thing to do to remember why I left, or when its just a way to torture myself? sheeeeeeeeeeeesh

tallulah

TC.. fishing for validation is what kept me in an unhealthy relationship. That's not to say it isn't lovely to get external validation it is.. but it should be complimentary, like a side salad, not the main meal.

My internal validation switch was temporarily faulty when I met my ex. I didn't know it at the time, but the conditions he brought to the table were able to mess with that switch and as time went on it got harder and harder to flick it back on. It starts with you.. that old adage, how can you love anyone if you can't even love yourself is sooo true. It's also true that you attract what you project. When I was with my ex, particularly in the last 6 months, I felt like hell.. ergo I looked like hell.. which made me feel like hell... vicious cycle. I didn't love myself so, even if he was indeed capable of loving me, I wasn't projecting 'loveable' all over the place.. lol.

Cut to 5 months later and I feel so much better in myself and from that has sprung change.. I'm getting back to who I was before, only better and stronger. Five months ago I could have walked down the street and at 5'11 and blonde still no-one would have noticed me... now (and this is not about being checked out by fellas but is indicative of a greater thing) I have horns blown at me again and whistles. Granted, I look a hell of a lot better now I'm focussing on me and not feeling like I am mess on someone's shoe... but it's not that.. it's because the light is back on.

The healthy thing... hmmm... well I suppose a healthy person can look at a situation, see it for what it is, own their part(s) and move on from that with a plan of action to address any shortcomings etc. I think if you are doing the whole definition of insanity thing.... doing the same thing again and again expecting a different result... then it is probably unhealthy.