a small "Yay!" for 30 days sober, but...

Old 09-03-2003, 10:49 AM
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a small "Yay!" for 30 days sober, but...

My AH made 30 days. Yay! Just thought I'd mention it.

But that doesn't mean everything is ok now, as we all know. And that is the heartbreaking part. {sigh}

We are continuing to work on our relationship. We discuss his drinking and the things he did. He is comfortable talking about his problem now, and even telling me things I never knew. They hide a lot when they are active, and hate themselves for it deep down. He is very ashamed, but also proud to be recovering. He actually likes to tak about it. We have met many other people in recovery just by his openness to mention it. Many of our neighbors are in recovery it turns out. (We had a block party this weekend.)
We discuss my recovery, my boundaries and our common ground. He doesn't fully understand my need for recovery, he doesn't fully understand about codependence and all that.
We spend time together not discussing any of it, just being a happy couple gardening or making dinner. It is so nice.

I still have a lot of stress and confusion inside me as we navigate through our pending divorce vs. reconciliation. I am still terrified. I can be honest about that fact here.

How do I tell him I am not sure I should accept a marriage when I cannot say I can accept the bad times? When he is so focused on making sure they never happen!? How does a couple discuss THAT? He just is so sure he will not relapse, he sems hurt if I am making decisions based on the notion that he will.
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Old 09-03-2003, 11:08 AM
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jessieandme2003,

What I offer is from one who is working on her co-de recovery, but one of the best pieces of advice I have received and am gently reminded of frequently, is that you only have to make a decision for today. The "one day at a time" concept sometimes needs to be "one hour" at a time. You don't have to make the perfect decision - but you do need to decide or someone else decides for you.

I am thinking of you and praying for you to find 5 minutes of serenity today.

Petunia
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Old 09-03-2003, 01:05 PM
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Jessie,
Like Petunia says - just focus on day at a time. You definitely can't make a decision without taking in the factor of a possible relapse. We all know that's the truth of the lives we live with an A. There are no guarantees they won't relapse down the road no matter how "into it" and "committed" they are right now.

You really need to just focus on yourself and make a decision about whether you can deal with a relapse. The best decision for now may be to not make any promises to him, and let him know you have to take it one day at a time. Then if it does occur - you can make a decision then based on the circumstances and how you feel at that point.

Just as he can't promise you he will NEVER drink again, you can't promise him that you will always be there. Have you guys participated in marriage counseling? My AH and I are starting tonight. He's admitted he needs to quit for good and that he needs help...I think we have a good foundation for marriage counseling. I'll let you guys know how it went.

Take care and don't worry so much about the future as it is always uncertain.

Hugs,
Kitkat
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Old 09-03-2003, 05:27 PM
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((jessieandme))

My A celebrates 4 months sobriety today, a remarkable feat for a man who was close to death due to his drinking not so long ago.

We talk a lot now too. He too tells me things I never knew, yes they hide SO much when they are actively using. Yes, they hate themselves and are SO ashamed of their actions, and they fear our anger and resentment when they finally start to open up. He and I see a counselor and have agreed to keep the heavy stuff for our appointments. We also made a pact that when we are talking about stuff and one or the other becomes overwhelmed or angry or it hurts too much, that we will stop and take a breather for a while.

I too have pondered my decision to stay with him. Reading as much as I have about alcoholism, I know that the statistics say that most do not fully recover, most do relapse eventually. I had to make a decision whether or not I wanted to live with the fear of the unknown or to live "one day at a time" like the others have mentioned in their replies.

I chose ODAT. For today I can live with him, for today I can love him and appreciate that he is my husband, for today I am proud of him and his efforts to work his program and stay sober, for today I can be his wife.

I also know that I must keep working my program, every day, so that if that day does come, I am able to make sensible decisions. I have gone through a relapse with him before and at that time I was not working on my recovery, I had no idea something was wrong with me too!

I think if we let all of the "unknowns" overwhelm us it can become too much to deal with. Just having every day stuff to deal with can be overwhelming at times--throw in an addict to that and it could become too much.

Saying the Serenity prayer helps too.

Many hugs to you as we continue on this journey, and I wish nothing but the best for you and your A~
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Old 09-04-2003, 07:33 AM
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thank you all so much

You really have helped me greatly. I don't know why, but it never occured to me to apply ODAT to my marriage commitment. I gues sit just sounds odd when in relation to the concept of vows.

But truthfully, I am really comfortable with that idea. I like it. I am going to discuss it with my AH tonight. I will accept that we are together, and I will stay with the marriage, but we both will understand we are in a ODAT world. He knows all about ODAT from his program, so there won't be any explaining necessary.

Thanks! I am feeling much better all of a sudden.
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