rae33

Hi everyone,
I have been enjoying the last several days as AH and son went on a family trip to TX and I have had the house to myself. Today is actually day 11 by myself and it's really been just the last 2 or 3 days that I am truly enjoying myself, relaxing, thinking more clearly etc, I guess in a way feeling what it would be like to not live with an A!
So yesterday, I get a call from his Mom who tells me he's been drinking practically the whole time (why am I still surprised?!) so he's basically lied to me over the phone about it and the worst part is, he withdrew all the rest of the vacation money (for him and my son!) and spent it on a wild weekend with his (even more screwed up) brother, who he claimed before the trip he wouldn't even get in the car with, and yet they take a whirlwind trip across TX, DRUNK and not getting in touch with the family or my son. My son is in very good hands with AH's mom and sister, very loving and fun people, but I am sure they were all more than a little disappointed in the behavior they were witnessing. My son is so MAD at his dad and I feel guilty for even sending him there in the first place (but we had talked about this possibility b4 he left, & he still wanted to go see his family). I guess I just stupidly assumed if AH was going to go drink, he would do it AWAY from my son and the family! Well, I guess nothing stops him!
The only "silver lining" I can see is that through the gift of this forum and al-anon I am learning to handle my emotions and my reactions in a healthier way. Even a month ago, I would have been up sick all night, worried, calling him every 5 minutes even though his phone's turned off, in a word FRANTIC. But I stayed calm and realized THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. What a difference that makes!
Today I found out that his very best friend down there, who has been a RA for over 15 years found AH, got him away from his brother and is taking care of him, so I know he is safe, as is my son and I didn't make myself sick with worry all night!
I am thinking about making a list of 'conditions' for when he comes back to which I am (pretty) sure he will agree because I know he is mortified at what he has done. Before, it was always me that was going leave because of the drinking but I think I want to put on the conditions that if he fails to live up to them, that HE will be the one to move out. I like my house and my son's school is fantastic. Why should I be the one to move when I am not the one breaking promises and telling lies? Conditions I'm considering are: definitely AA several times a week, recovery program of some kind and this is a big one: I'm thinking of pulling all his access to money for the first month or so, he has a habit of royally screwing up bank accts, credit card accts, etc (and STEALING my son's vacation money!) and if he has access to $$ he doesn't spend it like a normal person on books, clothes, music, restaurants... he spends it all on one thing and one thing only... alcohol!
My question is this: Is that too extreme, is that codependent that I'm not seeing? The money thing affects the whole family, though which is why I'm concerned. I KNOW AH wants to get better, and like I mentioned in earlier posts, we've never realized b4 that it is so much deeper than just not drinking. I feel willing to give this one last shot but only with professional help and a serious attempt to solve this problem. If that fails, then at least I know I gave it my all before giving up!

naive

hi rae-

i am glad that you are enjoying the peace and quiet with AH gone. can you imagine a whole peaceful life without his drama?

i encourage you to take this time to establish your boundaries.

i do see one problem in your current solution though. you say if he crosses your boundaries, he will be the one to leave.

the problem is that you can't make him do anything really. and good luck trying to get an active alcoholic out of the house! they can't handle simple things, like paying a bill on time, do you really think they can organize a move? especially if they are not personally motivated to do so and are only doing it because you are telling them to?

i think a better plan would be one that you have complete control over...and that means a plan where YOU can take action and not wait on him to do what you've insisted on.

and it doesn't sound like AH wants to "get better"...it sounds like he's on a drunken rampage across texas with your family funds!

someone who wants to get better does more than talk about it and take another drink. they actively seek out help.

there is AA in texas, if he was serious about his recovery, he would seek out these meetings and attend. it doesn't sound like he's doing that.

enjoy your peace and good luck putting your plan in place,
naive

lovtolaff

Not to sound harsh, but do you have your plan in place WHEN these "conditions" are not met? What if he refuses to be the one that leaves...than what?

Pelican

I'm glad you have this time to yourself to enjoy some peace. However, it is unfortunate that your son is still witnessing an adult who behaves like a toddler. Your husband needs adult supervision.

I'm a recovering alcoholic as well as recovering from being married to an alcoholic. The things I want to share with you are based on my own personal experiences.

From your posts, I do not see anything that indicates your husband truly wants to change. I see that he wants to change long enough to get you off his back. His can deny his addiction and behave for a period of time, but he will rebel against your wishes to satisfy his own addiction time and time again. "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior". He has to want recovery more than he wants his marriage, his job, and his family. Without recovery he will loose it all.

You said that he is mortified by his behavior this past weekend. You say that he wants to get better. What is the proof? Phone lines still connect between Texas and Oregon. Has he scheduled treatment? Has he scheduled counseling? Has he promised to repay the vacation money to whoever has to bail him out for the remainder of this trip? Has he contacted an addiction therapist, or AA group in Oregon or Texas? I don't see him taking any actions to recover. I see you taking actions to control his re-entry into your life.

That brings me to your son. I have two teenage children. They have witnessed my addiction. They have witnessed my recovery. They have also witnessed my healthy choices to regain control of my one precious life and remove us from an unhealthy relationship with an active alcoholic. They are my biggest cheerleaders. One of my motivators for leaving my husband was my children. One is male, one is female. I did not want my son to think it was okay to treat his life partner the way I was being treated over and over again. Say you're sorry, behave, do what you want anyway; say you're sorry, behave, do what you want anyway, etc.... I also did not want my daughter to think that putting up with lying, stealing, broken promises, manipulation, and control were healthy choices in a relationship. I wanted my children to believe in me. I wanted them to believe that I was strong enough to make decisions to protect myself and them.

It appears that your husband has made his choices. Alcohol is a part of his life. He will lie, steal and break all promises to keep it as a part of his life.

Are you willing to let that back into your peaceful home?

rae33

Thanks for the replies. You are all basically saying the same thing and I think you are all basically right. I think I am still living in that fantasy land of thinking that this time it will be different, etc.

I agree, Pelican, that my son is the most important thing. I can just feel through the distance how he has been hurt by this. I guess I have shielded him pretty well from most of the crap and now he sees it out in the open and around the rest of the family. He is 14 and I'm sure he's so embarrassed. I want to be strong for him and I do feel like I am gaining strength slowly but surely. I pray that I can find out the RIGHT answer to all this, knowing that I might never get all the dreams I dreamed in the past. Maybe there will be new dreams to dream?

I think you all are right about AH, though. He is a mess! We already were sleeping separately but his clothes were still in my room. I did move those out yesterday so that I have my own space totally separate from his. For some reason, I just feel like I need that. I think in my mind I want to put a 3 months time frame on this, and see what happens. In reading your posts, I am getting that maybe I should step back and see what HE does on his own? See if HE goes to the meetings on his own (he actually has scheduled to start a recovery program for end of August after he gets back- see if he actually goes?) I am confused!

On a more positive note, I previously posted how I have withdrawn from all my old friends, haven't sought out any new ones... well, tomorrow night I am having dinner with one old friend and on Friday my very oldest friend (20+ years) is coming in to town and staying with me for 2 days! It was very difficult for me to get past my insecurities and allow this to happen but now that it is, I am so excited!

Pelican

Have fun with your friends. It sounds like a wonderful chance to just be you, you and your girlfriends. Enjoy!

I also want to let you know what happened when I tried to control all the finances in our house. I had set up a seperate account for myself and taken him off of all the joint credit cards. Most of the family credit was in my name. I thought that would control how much money he was spending on alcohol and his entertainment. It did not. He rented a PO box, opened other accounts in his name with high interest, and used his credit cards like ATM cards. Constant cash withdrawals and interest charges of 28%! :wtf2

covington

Hello-

I'm glad you got space to think while he was away. Most of all I am concerned about your son. If he sees that his father is disrespectful and irresponsible and that his mother enables these behaviors your son is likely to grow up to think that as painful as the situation is, it's his idea of normal.

So this is a quick note to say that my ex went to Texas to drink for over a week with his brothers and blow over a thousand dollars. He had been repeatedly to meet my family on the other side of the country. His rationale for blowing all that money on booze and his brothers without inviting me? "You woldn't have been able to tolerate all the drinking, you wouldn't have fit in."

The truth is that four months after the binge in Texas, and three months after a binge upon returning home, he is now having family wars via text message with the two brothers (alcoholics) and dad (alcoholic) and he has moved out of my place. I now have a house in which I can host dinner parties for people who are happy to come over now that he is gone. They stand in the kitchen and ask me what on earth I was thinking in thinking I needed him in my life.

I wanted to drop you a line to say that it is possible for him to move out. You'll know if it's right for you when it's right for you.

I hope your days are full of peace and laughter and renewed friendships.

rae33

Pelican, WOW! I hadn't thought of that... but to tell you the truth I don't know if my AH could figure any of that out! Sad but true. Plus, the way he has messed up his other cards, I don't think he could even get one at this point! Thank God I never did any joint accounts with him!

Covington, thanks for you warm wishes! Those 2 situations are so similar! I only wish I had my act together enough to make a move now.

Believe me, I have fantasized about moving out so many times and this time away from him has made me see how much easier and more peaceful life is without all the drama,,, even though the drama is still somehow transmitted to me across the miles! My problem is that I have NO JOB and NO MONEY of my own. AH lets me handle all the money, bills and accounts because he is too irresponsible and he knows it. I would love a job and to be self-sufficient again but I feel so overwhelmed! I haven't worked in ages and my job history is spotty, even though I have had a couple of good, high paying and long term jobs in the past--- its just been so long! And where I live, in Oregon, the unemployment rate is so high, it all seems so scary.

I feel like that stereotypical woman who lives off the husbands money and when disaster strikes, she isn't prepared. I know I have to do SOMETHING! My mom advises that I should look at living with AH (in separate bedrooms) as my job for now and get going on a plan to get out intelligently, calmly. Not in a mad rush of anger only to end up in some seedy apartment in a bad neighborhood. I have to see the logic there ... I guess I just need to start working on a plan for ME, that gets me healthy mentally and physically, gets me a job and gets me strong enough to make the right move when I am ready. I am really not ready to totally and finally give up on AH, I am honestly giving him 1 last chance to turn things around, this time with professional help, if he really wants it/ can do it. I do realize the chances of that are slim and thats OK. I just need to spend my time and focus on me and making my plan and let him focus on whatever he wants to focus on!

Just wanted to add that I love having everyone's unbiased opinion on things! It really helps me to hear it straight! Thanks!