notbychoice

Hello all, It has been way to long since I have chatted with everyone. Alot has gone on. (to long to tell LOL)
But I have a very very big problem right now. Yes my husband is an alcoholic, has been for years (but says he is not) I left him once a couple years ago and dumba** me came back. Well now it is getting way out of hand. He picks up a drink as soon as he gets home and drinks till he falls asleep on the chair or passes out (almost everynight) I am so sick of his drinking. He drinks beer, but when he he drinks other stuff, he finds what ever we have in the house to mix it with. Even our daugters kool-aid. (Ticks me off) Well a couple of problems. When he does not drink he gets mad so quick and you can't stand to be around him. When he drinks he does not know when to stop. Yes he drinks and drives (which we fight about it) Well know he is starting to drive more with our 8 year old daughter in the car/truck while I am at work. We fight about it and nothing is changing. Well Last night was the last for me. I am going to face him tonight and tell him it is either us or the drinking.

What happened is this-- I was doing my weekend drill (work) and my husband, daughter was in the truck and my son and son-in-law was in the other truck. My son and son-in-law ended up flipping the truck. Thank the Good Lord they are both okay. (no they were not drinking) My husband did not see them behind them anymore and he turned around and seen what had happened. (trying to make this long story short) My husband ended up bring my son, and daughter home (my son-in-law got a ride with his friends.) When they got home I had to take my son to the ER because he was hurting and everything. Well my Husband was drunk!!!! He was driving my two children even after my son was just in a truck crash!! He could not even walk right, that is how drunk my husband was!!!. I am so done with this. I am going to tell him tonight, its either me or the drinking. He is NEVER going to drive again with my kids in the car drinking again. Not only is he putting there lives in jeopardy but everyone on the road!!! I am so pissed about this .
Please I need adivice on how to handle this tonight, am I wrong for giving him this altamatom? I dont think so, these are my kids lives! Please I need help!!!
Thanks notbychoice.

ItsmeAlice

How could you be wrong for trying to protect your children????

Take a deep breath. Your emotions are running high and now is the time for clear and rational thinking. Not exactly something alcoholics are known for having when they are actively using.

Your mind is probably racing with all the 'what ifs' that could have happened. The accident, the kids in the car with your AH, all of it. Those wheels are spinning like crazy. Now take another breath. We are dealing with what is, not what could have been but wasn't, right?

I found that when dealing with the toughest issues with my XABF the easier tack to take for me was to talk about how "It is what it is...it's no one's fault...I feel bad, but I have no say in it" etc.

You can tell him that you will turn him in for DUI to the police if you are aware of him driving while intoxicated in the future. You can tell him that the safety of the children comes before his pride or your embarrassment. You have to protect them. If he's caught drunk with them in the car Child Services could get involved and that means both of you will be looked at for fitness at parents etc etc. The DUI at that point would be least of his problems right. It has to be done, sorry.

By turning him in you will also let him deal with the consequences of such an act without having the guilt of knowing he was intoxicated possibly injuring someone else and you did nothing.

Hang in there. You are in hot water and it's got you boiling. You are strong enough to deal with this, I know you are!

Alice

Startingover2

I am sorry you are here but happy you are seeking support and help. People are wonderful here.

If you give him that ultimatum you need to be prepared to follow thru with your consequence as most likely he won't stop. What is your plan for you and your children?

I would definately not let him around your kids while drunk....especially drinking and driving.

Good luck....keep posting!

notbychoice

Thanks so much for replying back.

I am ready to act. I still have the house I bought when I left him a couple years ago. I kept it just in case (I have it for sale but it is not selling in the market right now) So I will move back there if things dont change right now. I found out he told my son last night (he's 18) that he told his dad he would drive, dad told him no that he is used to driving with a couple of beers in him. (he had about 12 pack or more) 6 is a couple for him. So AH drove my 18 and 8 year old home in the dark drunk. AH just called and is on his way home.

I am trying to figure out how and what I am going to say, because I know as soon as he comes in he is going to get a beer and start drinking like always.

I am so ...... I cant even say how I feel right now.

Thanks again from writing me.... It is a great place to chat with others who know what this is all like...
God bless

Barbara52

You can of course give an ultimatim but you cannot make the man change. You can choose to take action yourself to improve your life and protect your children. Your actions don't have to be dependent on your husband, or anyone or anything else.

So what do you want to change in your life? Not his, yours. What can you do to protect your children and stop them from continuing to learn that alcoholism is "normal" behavior?

smacked

Of course it's not wrong, it's your responsibility to protect your kids. Please start!

Call the police if he EVER drinks and drives again. How could you not??

He'll drink if he wants to drink.. but to be unsure of an ultimatum that would protect your kid(s) frightens me. Please do what would keep THEM safe.

Edit... I should have read all the posts first. Thank you Alice for saying what I was thinking, in such a better way

TakingCharge999

Good for you for keeping the house!!!!!! You are totally right in protecting the kids!!!!!!!! It was high time. Thank God nothing happened.

GiveLove

I could not stay with a man who had so terribly endangered my own children for so long. Especially if I had somewhere to go. But that is just a gut reaction from someone who was raised by a drunk and put in danger every day...so take it with a grain of salt. (ItsMeAlice is one of the most diplomatic of all of us, and that's why we treasure her so much here )

If you want to issue this "ultimatum" -- which don't have the greatest success rate -- I'd suggest you get clear on what you are willing to accept.

For me - and again just for me - it might be:
Admit you have a problem, starting now.
Do not drink. Starting now.
Enter detox and an inpatient treatment program. Starting now.

Anything less than that, and you could be burying your children next time. Sorry to sound so harsh -- but here's why I am: He will do and say everything he can to protect his alcoholism, and you need to be ready with some very hard words that you don't intend to back down from. Alcoholics will choose recovery when they're good and ready, so I wouldn't expect much. But this would make things crystal-clear, and give you the gut-knowledge that you tried everything. I know how important that is sometimes.

Now I'm going to PM ItsMeAlice and see if she'll teach me how to say hard things so calmly

Good luck, notbychoice. You have tried hard, and now it's time to protect your kids.

isurvived

I'd bet my last dollar that giving him the "ultimatum" will do nothing to improve the situation, or stop the drinking. It will only inflate his anger and denial.

It's a good thing you have another place to go. I'd start packing!

naive

hi notbychoice-

since you asked for our opinion, i feel that it might be best if you wait to give him an ultimatum until you are less emotional.

you can wait a day and tell him tomorrow (as long as he doesn't drive with your daughter in the car. your son is 18, he is able to speak/act/make decisions for himself as an adult.)

if i was you, i would perhaps talk to my son and advise him to never get in a car with a drunk person, his father or anyone else. then, i would take my daughter and go stay with some friends or family for a day or two until i was calm. then, i would decide what i was going to say/do, after some reflection. i would imagine that your son could go stay at a friend's house if he wants clear of the situation also.

"i won the war sipping a cup of tea" -- old zen saying

naive

notbychoice

Thanks to each and everyone of you for your reply!!! You EACH have something important to write and what you had to say to me. I am so glad that I decided to post here after all this time... Dont worry about what or how you say things to me. I do have pretty thick skin, now.... :-) I feel so much better talking to you all and reading what you have to say. The advice is great and I am listening with all ears and eyes.

I am not going to make excuses anymore for him or I. My children are to important to me that I am not going to stand by and let anything happen. I asked my daughter tonight if daddy drinks while they are fishing. She said yes, so now I know he has been doing this more then just when he is by himself. I always thought that he did not drink till he got home from fishing and then when I got home from work I just thought he was drinking since he got home. Well now I know better. My eyes and ears are wide open now and I am not going to put blinders up at all.
I feel like I have let my kids down. They do not deserve this at all. and I deserve better. I just finished military training at my age (I was the olderst) and I know I have more selfestem then I ever had. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. My mind is made up, I am going to talk to him and we will see what and how it goes. I will let you all know. I am off work tomorrow so I will post either tonight or tomorrow and let you know how it went.

Thanks again so much. And GiveLove: its okay you were not harsh or anything!

Sometimes when people say things "the truth might hurt, but we all have to hear the truth because we don't want to face it or we are blind to it"

Thanks again....

suki44883

Please try not to be emotional when you talk to him. There's a good chance he'll try to minimize the problem and accuse you of over reacting. Just be ready for that. Good luck to you.

TakingCharge999

military training?????????? wow!!!!

i like the part of being able to do anything if you put your mind to it. you sound so self assured and confident. wow, i feel i am entering a new universe, lol.

ItsmeAlice

I agree with taking time to simmer down. I remember that feeling well...face flushed, ears ringing, trying to say something meaningful to get through to him all the while wanting to ring his neck for something he said or did. BUT I also remember the feeling of calm and resolve that I had when I drew my boundaries with every intention of backing them up. It gave me peace that he could not manipulate something I carved in stone in my mind.

You can't argue or manipulate your way out of cold hard truth. He can say what he wants or do as he pleases, the consequences will be there regardless.

Vin Diesel said it best in 'The Pacifier' - "We're going to do this my way, no highway option." Not that I compare my HP to Vin Diesel but I hear that line in my head and think of it as my HP's rule. I don't have control over anyone but me and my actions. HP has the rest. That's it.

Alice

Still Waters

Me? I wouldn't even bother with the ultimatum. I'd move my butt back to my house and let him stew in his booze.

He KNOWS he's not supposed to drink and drive, and he KNOWS he's not supposed to drive his children around when he's drinking. Why go over old territory?

But - I'm an a mood

notbychoice

well everyone, this is what has happened.

He got home about 5 hours ago has had 9 beers. and getting ready for another.
about an hour after he got here I went outside where he was sitting and watching the chickens. I told him we needed to talk. He didn't say anything. I started by saying that it was The Good Lord that kept the kids safe yesturday after the truck flipping over. I said he really needed to think about the drinking and driving. (Yes I stayed calm, which was weird the calmness that I had) I told him that if I find out that he even had a sip of anything and would drive the car that I would pack my stuff and the kids and I would move out that same day. He sat there not saying anything. I told him that his drinking is getting way out of hand. He said he was already thinking about not drinking and driving anymore.

I stayed calm and then I told him I can't handle the drinking like he has been doing since he retired out of the military. He then said "I have alot going on and there are reasons for me drinking" I said "there is always reasons." He then started to get upset and I could tell he wanted to fight about everything. I said "I am not going to fight, I just wanted to talk about what is going on." Then then started to blame me and everything in his life for his drinking. (just like a small child getting in to trouble) I said Well I knew you were going to say that. He goes "I am not a book and not like others, Dont try and make me look like them." I said yes you are, your blaming everyone but yourself for what your doing."

He then said I was looking for a fight, and I said no, I am done fighting, I can't change you and that he had to deside what to do. I told him, I know what I need to do and that he has to decide. I waited a min or two and then got up and went in the house. He came in to get another beer, and I asked him what he was doing? He said well I am not driving tonight and went back outside. He has not said anything to me at all since then, all he is doing is drinking.

Its almost 11 and he has to get up for work at 4am, this is the norm....

So He knows now that I mean what I say and hopefully he understands (which I dont think he will!!!) I never thought my life would be like this. I and everyone here and there has a right to be happy. healthy and safe!!!

I am very proud of how I handled it tonight, better then before, in the past.
Well see what happens when we go to bed, that is when he really starts his crap.

And yes at almost 42 in a couple weeks. I just finished my Basic training in the Army at the end of March. Something I have always wanted to do. What happened in Basic and AIT is another story, but in the end I over came, graduated 4th in my class from AIT and just had surgery from one of my injuries that happened. I finished all my training injured, and I am so proud of myself like every before....

I am more confident now then ever before, but this drinking think and my husband is something I have trouble being confident about. Its like being a child all over again and going through crap and not being able to stop the bully messing with you..

I am glad I came back to this sight, I missed having someone to talk to about this. No one seems to understand here and when I talk to my mother (who is in another state) She says leave, stay what ever....

I have made up my mind.... If he does not help himself (I know I can't change him), and if he does drink and drive I will be back in my house in town. I guess deep down that is why after 2 years I still have not unpacked everything and that is why my house has not sold. I think a higher power knew this might be coming.

I don't know....

Well It has been great hearing from all of you and thanks for your support. I will keep you up to date and let you know everything.

I guess I am going to get ready for bed and well write later tomorrow when I have a chance.

Good night and THANKS!!!!!
Sorry so long.
Bye

Please keep writting, everything and all the works I get hear I am taking them all in and using what I need and feel what you all are saying.
God Bless.

Crazy4Him

Not good enough.

Don't bother to argue with him. He is not going to hear you as long as he's drinking. I remember when I would argue with the ex all the time a friend said, "You might as well be arguing with your own reflection". If he is not working some kind of program, he will drink and drive again, of that I have almost no doubt. Maybe your kids will be in the car when he does it. Maybe they wont. Is it worth the gamble?

Is there anyone else in your life that can drive them to and from the places they need to go? Putting them in the hands of an active alcoholic, regardless of whatever empty promise he has made, is like playing russian roulette. I'm sorry, but you simply can not and should not trust him.

Just a suggestion for the future, if you want to have a talk with him about your feelings and things that are important to you in your heart, wait until he is sober. Trying to express your emotions when he's drunk is... there isn't even a word in existence to properly illustrate how pointless it is. lol

Proud of you for taking a stand for yourself and your children! You did good I must say.

naive

hi notbychoice-

he probably won't hear you until you actually pick up and move to the other house.

he probably won't stop drinking once you do that, thinking this time will be like all the other times you said set a boundary and he walked over it.

why are you waiting for him to do this again? he's already done it repeatedly. you told him this and he went and got another beer?

he's not thinking clearly. he's drinking and driving with children in the car.

why not go over to the new house today and open the windows and get the air through it? look around and see what needs to be done?

for myself, i can't live with an active alcoholic, driving or not driving. i feel it would be perfectly acceptable for you to say "you know, i've rethought this and it is not okay with me that you are drinking so much. i'm going to move to the other house for awhile."

i would also tell him about alcoholics anonymous, if he wants helps. the other alcoholics can help him like no one else can.

Gypsy Feet

The longer you are with him and he is drinking, the more you are letting your children be hurt. Go over to the Adult Children of Alcoholics section and do some reading. Your children are being damaged.

benham

I see the loophole that he found: He can get stone-cold drunk as long as he DOESN'T drive.

My personal opinion is that he wanted to fight during your discussion. He wanted an opportunity to turn the tables somehow. I agree with naive, I would check the other house and make sure that it is move-in ready immediately. You can't ever stop his drinking, but you can protect yourself in order to start your recovery and quest for serenity.