Need Advice Now PLEASE

Old 08-04-2009, 08:58 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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It seems like he has demonstrated over and over again that he will drive with the kids when drunk. Can you arrange it so that he never drives the kids?
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Old 08-04-2009, 10:18 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I agree with the above posters. He has done this before. Why wait until next time someone is hurt? You would be beating yourself up saying "I should have known better"

I hope you realize the potential this has to have someone seriously hurt or killed. This is not a joke. Why are you willing to gamble with your kids' life?

I would be packing too and taking the kids. The alcoholic's word don't matter. They lie and manipulate to keep the status quo.
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:05 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Well I went over to my other house today and went and bought stuff to get it fixed up. I am taking steps to get ready. I am not willing to hurt my children and myself. I have lost to many family and friends (not to drinking) and I am going to protect them!!!.

I told my 18 year old that I was thinking it is time to leave. Well guess what he said today. Mom, I cant believe that you want to leave now. Me and him are finally getting along and now you want to mess that up. He wants to take me hunting , fishing and all kinds of father son things. Why do you want to mess this up for me. I told him that I have to do what is best for all of us, and mostly his little sister. He is mad at me know. but I will do what is best. Hopefully things will work out for everyone. This is not easy.

Yes I have others to be able to pick up my daughter while I am working, so that is one way to protect her.

Oh my husband told me ( about a month ago) that he was going to try and take her away from me. I laughed and said No judge in this world would give a drunk like you, our daughter.... I am a great mother and They would not take her away from me....

Well I am not sure what is going to happen tonight when he gets home.
Thanks again for ALL the reply's

Bye
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:55 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I can read the resolve in your last post. I am so sorry that your son sees this is a some sort of slight to his relationship with your AH. He can still do those things with him just from a safe distance. Do try to hold on to what you said about this being for the best. It is what it is and it has to be done to protect you and your children. You are falling off the face of the earth. You're just leaving the house and just as you can move out, you can move back in. Of course that is if, and only if, your AH gets his act together.

Try to take expectation of anything, good or bad, happening this evening. Any anxiety that you have over his coming home at the end of the day will only electrify the situation and possibly make something out of nothing.

You are taking this step by step, and each one in turn will get you out of this mess. Trying to jump ahead won't do it.

Hang in there!!

Alice
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:06 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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hi notbychoice-

i am relieved to hear that you went over to the other house and that is in motion.

regarding your 18 year old, well, he is an adult. i would let him live where he wants to live, with you or with his father.

that said, of course, he would be better with you than an active alcoholic, but he may need to figure that out the hard way. at the end of the day, he's all grown up and all you can really do is point him to resources to help him in his recovery.

and there's certainly no reason that his father and him can't go fishing and hunting even if your son chooses to move in with you. they both drive and could see each other, should they so choose.

of course, that opens up the driving with an alcoholic risk for your son. a reasonable person who was drunk (if there is such a thing) would let the sober person drive. your husband has already proven that he will take the risk of drunk driving even when a sober driver is available to drive. this is insanity. i hope you realize that.

i can easily see this situation escalating...it is my prayer that you move fast enough to keep everyone safe and sound.

peace and clear thought to you during this difficult time.

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Old 08-04-2009, 05:35 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Thanks again, I cant say that enough.

Well he came home from work. He is sleeping in the chair next to me right now. We all went to dinner, (I did not want to cook) But anyway, he has not gotten a beer tonight, instead he is acting like a boy who is just got his cookie taken away. He is not really talking and acting depressed. That is what happens when he does not drink, he either pouts or gets mad. I hate all this.... Its like when things are good between us there good, but when there bad its Real Bad.... Seems to be more bad then good. And I cant handle the drinking... This is hard, so hard. I guess life is not easy (which I already knew) but dang why can't I find happiness. I wonder if there is anything really true about love. because I sure have not ever found it. two bad marriages. the first one, he used to hit me and stuff and now I have one that drinks. dang this all sucks!!! But I am going to put my head up and find a way to make myself happy. and my children. I thought after I got older it would get easier. Not.... I have to do what is right and that is all there is to it..... On my next day off I am going to the other house and clean, fog it and get things ready. I talked to my son-in-law and he said he would help us move. SO I have support that way....
Well again I wrote way more then I was planning so I best go.
Thank again.....
alot of good info and support on this site!!! Thanks I cant say that enough.

One last thing, He (AH) said, " he has gone to aa meetings and he said he is not like them.." He said that he does not need that meeting. He does not have a problem.

What a joke. He really does have a problem. Denial....
Bye till next time.
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Old 08-04-2009, 09:07 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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notbychoice, after my break-up I found it important to learn the reason why I chose the wrong men or why I seemed attached and attracted to a man and a relationship that I KNEW was unhealthy. I've found a lot of peace by exploring myself and my choices and it has made it easier to move on.

I think we've all heard the "I don't like AA..." crap. It's so much easier to run from the truth than face it head on.
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Old 08-04-2009, 09:48 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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why can't I find happiness
You will, but remember happiness is not found in a person. I learned that I cannot rely on someone else for my own happiness. If I do, I will always be disapointed.

(((hugs))) I know this is a hard situation. You are doing great.
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Old 08-05-2009, 12:11 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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hi notbychoice-

i am so glad to hear that you are moving forward and now have someone to help you move. that's great.

i too got so sick and tired of not enjoying their company drunk and not enjoying their company sober. what does that leave? enjoying their company while their sleeping?

afterawhile at my house, my man would be around to eat, poo and sleep...i thought "how did this happen?"

you deserve so much more. i, myself, am looking forward to the day you get out of there and that burden is lifted from your shoulders. you can rediscover YOU.

as for him not liking AA, well, i go to AA (as there is no alanon in my small town) and i so look forward to it! what a relief to meet together with sober people hard at work at their own recovery. i find so much honesty and strength in that room.

it's such a shame that your husband is in denial. perhaps, when you leave, he might get real. i wouldn't be surprised actually if once you left, he started going to AA.

anyway, what he does is his affair and what you do is yours. i found when i was beginning to put my exit plan together, it was very helpful (and calming) to make a list of everything to be done and chip away at it.

just keep putting one foot in front of the other. there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

naive
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