Any suggestions?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Any suggestions?
Hello everyone!!
My therapist recommended I put down my thoughts in a letter to my husband and bring it in to the next session. We will then review it. And at some point I will share those thoughts with my husband. While working on the letter I began thinking about the fact that I am such a chicken when it comes to "expressing myself" with my husband. Like on a day to day basis. Its partly fear (of his reaction) and part People-pleaser that seems to paralyze me from sharing my thoughts, feelings and wants. Just the thought of speaking up to him (standing up for what I believe in, for example) makes my heart race and my brain shut down! If I can improve on this then I will be less likely to keep it all inside which turns to anxiety, depression and stomach aches. When I don't stand up for myself then I gradually lose sight of the real me - and how I truly feel and think.
So my question to you all is... what have you discovered that helps you be brave and assertive with your loved one? So that you can more easily express your feelings?
Thank you and....HAPPY MONDAY!!!
My therapist recommended I put down my thoughts in a letter to my husband and bring it in to the next session. We will then review it. And at some point I will share those thoughts with my husband. While working on the letter I began thinking about the fact that I am such a chicken when it comes to "expressing myself" with my husband. Like on a day to day basis. Its partly fear (of his reaction) and part People-pleaser that seems to paralyze me from sharing my thoughts, feelings and wants. Just the thought of speaking up to him (standing up for what I believe in, for example) makes my heart race and my brain shut down! If I can improve on this then I will be less likely to keep it all inside which turns to anxiety, depression and stomach aches. When I don't stand up for myself then I gradually lose sight of the real me - and how I truly feel and think.
So my question to you all is... what have you discovered that helps you be brave and assertive with your loved one? So that you can more easily express your feelings?
Thank you and....HAPPY MONDAY!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
I can't help I'm afraid but I'll be very interested to see the responses too! I seem to be incapable of expressing my own needs/wants. I tend to imagine a negative reaction to my expressing myself before I ever manage to do it... and therefore I chicken out without saying anything!
This isn't just with OH either, I've always tended to be like this. I find just the possibility of confrontation stops me from acting in all sorts of situations.
I can definitely empathise with the "heart-racing and brain shutting down" feeling!
This isn't just with OH either, I've always tended to be like this. I find just the possibility of confrontation stops me from acting in all sorts of situations.
I can definitely empathise with the "heart-racing and brain shutting down" feeling!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I used to be like this. Now I'm kind of a rhinoceros (LOL) but I used to be just petrified of expressing anything that might remotely make someone mad at me.
I did a couple of things:
1) I took an assertiveness training for women mini-workshop at the local adult education outfit (here it's Colorado Free University). Wow, it helped me a lot. It was a lot like those Model Mugging classes, where women learn how to react to dangerous situations....just going through the exercises, and practicing different responses to possible negative reactions to what I say.....so helpful.
2) I tried to take small, bite-sized actions. I think my very first one was stating what I didn't want to have for dinner (not 'going with the flow' with what he wanted). Hard to believe now, but at the time I thought I'd hyperventilate...so stressful. But small victories like that really are huge confidence-builders. I love you but no, I don't feel like cooking tonight. Hmmm, no, I'd rather do this than watch TV with you, but have fun anyway. No, I'd rather not go out tonight...it just doesn't sound fun. Small steps really added up to a lot less stress when I asserted myself.
Just my experience....it was not an easy road, and I'm no superwoman, but I did somehow get from there to here, so I know anyone can
I did a couple of things:
1) I took an assertiveness training for women mini-workshop at the local adult education outfit (here it's Colorado Free University). Wow, it helped me a lot. It was a lot like those Model Mugging classes, where women learn how to react to dangerous situations....just going through the exercises, and practicing different responses to possible negative reactions to what I say.....so helpful.
2) I tried to take small, bite-sized actions. I think my very first one was stating what I didn't want to have for dinner (not 'going with the flow' with what he wanted). Hard to believe now, but at the time I thought I'd hyperventilate...so stressful. But small victories like that really are huge confidence-builders. I love you but no, I don't feel like cooking tonight. Hmmm, no, I'd rather do this than watch TV with you, but have fun anyway. No, I'd rather not go out tonight...it just doesn't sound fun. Small steps really added up to a lot less stress when I asserted myself.
Just my experience....it was not an easy road, and I'm no superwoman, but I did somehow get from there to here, so I know anyone can
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Oh I feel the same way, I guess small steps, first write the letter, that's your homework now, don't worry about what you have to do later... I have noticed when I "stand for myself" internally sometimes there are no more tests outside LOL just when you learned your lesson the others do not use me as a doormat anymore (????) so just go step by step with the therapist...
And thanks I will be writing a letter too, and I will be burning it later...
I identify a lot with storing stuff inside, well ENOUGH our body does not deserve this
let's take it ALL out!!
And thanks I will be writing a letter too, and I will be burning it later...
I identify a lot with storing stuff inside, well ENOUGH our body does not deserve this
let's take it ALL out!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Alanon meetings helped me practice expressing myself. People listened to me. People thanked me for sharing and did not correct me, tell me I was stupid or make fun of me for my ideas. At first I was frightened to share at meetings, but bit by bit my self confidence was restored.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jehnifer-
for me, i had to first understand myself. this i did through sitting meditation for 20 minutes a day. after some time passed (one year or so), i knew what i thought was right, for myself. once i knew this myself, it didn't matter what other people thought. that is not to say that i wasn't open to input, what it meant was that i would take such input, meditate/pray upon it and reach my own inner conclusion that was in line with my conscience.
once we know within our selves what the right path, it becomes less important to verbalize it to others and most important to live it.
for me, i had to first understand myself. this i did through sitting meditation for 20 minutes a day. after some time passed (one year or so), i knew what i thought was right, for myself. once i knew this myself, it didn't matter what other people thought. that is not to say that i wasn't open to input, what it meant was that i would take such input, meditate/pray upon it and reach my own inner conclusion that was in line with my conscience.
once we know within our selves what the right path, it becomes less important to verbalize it to others and most important to live it.
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