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Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Found I had written this in my diary 4 years ago, when things with ABF and I were NOT good. Where it came from I do not recall, but it had an impact on my thinking about my expectations, needs and self worth.
"Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it after your necessary conditions are met.
What are your vitally needed conditions for an intimate relationship?
Have you defined what is absolutely necessary for you to give such a gift?
Unconditional love is the biggest gift you can give as a human being, and it deserves only the best in return.
Define what your conditions are and learn to know your own worth before handing such a gift to someone special.
Don’t let just anyone come and waltz into your life, and take your incredible gift without showing they have earned it first."
"Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it after your necessary conditions are met.
What are your vitally needed conditions for an intimate relationship?
Have you defined what is absolutely necessary for you to give such a gift?
Unconditional love is the biggest gift you can give as a human being, and it deserves only the best in return.
Define what your conditions are and learn to know your own worth before handing such a gift to someone special.
Don’t let just anyone come and waltz into your life, and take your incredible gift without showing they have earned it first."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by queenie88 
Silkspin – I definitely see the parallels of our situation. I used to be a drinker/partier/smoker too, mostly because I was in school and, well, that’s just what you do! But I moved to be with him in search of something real, but I felt that he could never give me something real because there were these unseen walls put up. Consciously or subconsciously. I felt like I could never really be with him, truly and completely, nor be loved the way I want to be loved – unconditionally, honestly and fully. I definitely understand what you’re saying about wanting to figure him out to validate feelings of failure. You sound like you’ve really come a long way in terms of working on your own issues and forgiving yourself. How do you let go of the hurt and the anger and the disappointment? The anger of being rejected by someone you love and have given so much up for, and the anger of disappointing yourself because you did give so much of yourself away.
There are people in this forum who’ve undoubtedly brought to light and even threatened their loved one’s lifestyles of drinking and drugging. Why was his response to completely eliminate me?
The way I got through it was going to Al Anon and being able to safely vent my feelings, and talk them through with other members. If I was at home, I'd call a member or look up the feeling I was having (i.e. anger) in the index of one of my Al Anon books and reading the related passages. I also finally started to talk with him. We attended a joint program couples meeting, and that helped open communication. I still sometimes get thrown back into the past and feelings well up again, but I had to make a choice. I chose to try with the relationship and that means that I have to try and keep myself present and focused on the good now. Revisiting those old hurts will hold me back.
Again, focus on you. Don't worry about why he decided to let you go. Perhaps it is a message and that action will save you from more heartache from him. Take it as it is, and put one foot in front of the other. Think about what you want from your life at this point and move towards it. It will get easier.
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