queenie88

I totally agree - my eyes were completely opened when we moved in together and I saw just how bad his addictions had become...

KMMK

hi Queenie..

my exbf alkie/weed addict/ HepC patient/ cirrhoshis...also dumped me after two years time.
Year one together..i revolved around him and his happiness!
but by year two..that had changed dramatically..
i got back to me..my life..my needs..my comfort..
As i got healthier, stronger, more firm boundaries..
when i stopped revolving around him..jumping thru hoops for him..
he became increasingly unhappy with me and the arrangement.
he wanted more..
i would not give more.
i am strong willed ...he wanted someone compliant.
he wanted me to cater to and plaese him..
at any cost ...never mind if i was tired or felt sick.
he was not to be disappointed.
The ISMS . the selfishness...the arrogance ...all part of his addictions.
took control and made the choices..
not love.
but addiction.
He also knew , just prior to him dumping me..i had dumped him and i was becoming increasingly intolerant of his BS...he ISMS..
and was at the end of my rope.
At first i thought he dumped me because i was not good enough..
But now i can see more clearly..and our 'relationship" ended because i got too healthy for him!
have to admit..at the time..it devastated me...pulled the rug out from under me..and made me, a usually confidant , and self willed person..knowing my own mind...very off balance.. insecure and feeling that i wasnt good enough!
(my issues surfacing here...my old tapes began to play!)

bottom line..he knew chances were good i might really leave him..so he cut the cord...found someone who WOULD comply..
had no life outside of him..and who would devote all to him.
ALL THAT I WOULD NOT DO..
AND IM GLAD I DIDNT!
As we know..its hard to please an alcoholic ..so you might as well please yourself.
i did do that..and yep..dont be surprised when the alkie backlash hits you !

sclarke64448

[QUOTE=queenie88;2317145]Thanks for the reply, Still Waters. I haven't tried counseling or Al-Anon yet. Like I said, I just got out of this relationship and I've had SO MANY questions and I really feel like I don't think about anything else.



Hi Queenie 88. Welcome to Sober Recovery. Believe me I am in the same place as you right now. So many questions after my alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me like a bolt out of the blue after three years. That was two months ago. So many wonderful people on this site were quick to recommend Al Anon. I'm going this week while on holiday. For me! Not for him! It's not about him any more. He's chosen a path that goes in a different direction and leads to a different place and left me on another path on my own. I will follow that path and already on the way have cybermet if you will so many wonderful people who have given me clear directions to people who can help me. Whether or not you think you can't think about it right now maybe you should give it a try anyway. I'll keep everyone posted how my first session goes this week. Stay strong Queenie ! XX

KMMK

hi Sclarke..

like you, my exabf broke up with me too...after two years..LIKE A BOLT..
a complete about face..
we went from A to Z overnight.
black to white.
on to off.
full throttle to reverse...
i dont shift gears that quickly..and honestly , its my feeling most
people who are solid and grounded dont shift gears that quickly ..and overnight.
all i do know is he needed an enabler..a caretaker..and i wasnt doing the job..so i was replaced.
that simple.
it hurt..but no regrets..it was a thankless "job".:praying

queenie88

KMMK...thanks so much for the response. your post really hit home for me, especially that last part "he cut the ford...found someone who WOULD comply...had no life outside of him..and who would devote all to him."

i think one of the main reasons my XABF was so "happy" during the beginning of our relationship was because i indicated to him that i was willing to put myself on the backburner for him and to pursue a relationship with him...and i did. i moved thousands of miles away, leaving a life i knew behind for him, and we moved in together. things were ok in the beginning...as long as i was happily floating along in his life and not stirring up trouble. but once i began to express my distaste for his destructive behaviors (maybe expecting him to change them since i had already changed so much for him), once i began expressing to him that having my life be an accessory to him wasn't going to be an option any more, that's when the problems started.

i'm not saying i'm perfect. i did some hurtful things in our relationship, mostly driven by my insecurity and dwindling trust in him. but once i "screwed up" i think he conveniently used that as an excuse to promptly kick me out. i ended up back home under the impression that he was going to work on things and our relationship would get better, because that's what he told me: that he loved me, he wanted to forgive me and get over things, he just couldn't do it while we were living together. should have taken that as clue #1 that he had no intention of things getting better. he strung me along until dumping me two days before he would be incommunicado and out of the country for work. left with no resolution, no explanations, i really blamed myself for everything that happened. he turned everything around on me and i became the one to blame. then one day i had a revelation, i had been trying to find any excuse other than what i honestly believed to be true: that he's a selfish, manipulative alcoholic/weed addict, and his behaviors are unexplainable. it's still hard for me to believe that 100%. i guess i'm still in denial partially.

what kills me is that, a day after he broke up with me yet was still calling me to keep me sucked into his drama, we were talking about our relationship, what happened when we were living together and i said that i really loved spending every day with him, spending time with him and being together. and he said: "but that wasn't enough?" as if it would be enough for any healthy person??? as if there was something wrong with me for wanting more in my life than just a person who's going to suck me dry and not give anything back??

TakingCharge999

hey queenie!

er, thanks for reading my older posts.. sheesh i read you and i read me, i relate to EVERYTHING you have posted!

its so twisted to live with and break up with an alcoholic... thank you for your empathy, you are in heaven for being so far away from an alcoholic and it will help you a great deal not knowing what he is up to. it sucks to have a front seat to their lives, believe me. its a constant reopening of wounds.

do you journal? i used to journal all my thoughts and burn them daily. i think i will do it tonight too. it really helped me when i was in that spot.

try not to take it personal... the same EXACT THING would have happened if you were anyone else.

this is what alcoholics do. hurt, deny, hurt more, twist everything, dispose of you if you stop being a doormat.

one day dear queen, you will notice God/Higher Power of your understanding took care of you getting away from the endless torture of alcoholism. you have counted your losses. but have you counted your gains? you are still alive. you still get a chance to meet someone nice & handsome & addiction-free. you still get a shot to real happiness and to live your great life with ppl worth the effort.

its hard and it hurts like hell, but its better to you to be far away from a diseased person. really. he could have driven drunk and harmed you permanently. or killed you. or you could have had kids with an alcoholic father. take a look at the ACOA forum to see how hellish that is. take a look to other threads and see how alcoholism progresses.

in my good days i think of the current reality and can honestly thank God as my only relation to an addict is by work , where he has to behave and where he cannot harm me anymore. i can thank God because gave me my life back and saved me from HELL. it IS hell, queenie. you just saw a little part of it. it just gets worse and worse. in a spiral.

your ex has a disease and the disease is CHRONIC, meaning HE WILL ALWAYS HAVE IT, and progressive, that is IT WILL ALWAYS, ALWAYS, GET WORSE. unless he starts true recovery. no one knows when, if ever, he will get well. statistics say the ones that DO beat alcoholism are a few ones only. most of them die prematurely, horribly and leave their closest ones thinking "thank God what a relief, for the alcoholic, and for us". yup. thats how it ends like. it is very very sad.

please read the stickies and keep posting, PM me if you need to talk i know when i was there, nothing that was said to me made me feel better but IT DOES GET BETTER....

if i have seen my ex plus new enabler almost daily and can start getting some peace, you will be able to do so for sure, i really have no doubts about that!!

queenie88

journaling helps. granted it just seems like a temporary fix but i haven't tried burning my entries yet. that sounds really cathartic. today has been a hard day. i just want SO MUCH to be free from all of this. but i know in reality, i'm the one that has to cut the chains free. i just feel so bound. we're not even talking and i feel oppressed. he should be back in the country in a couple of weeks. i don't know if i'll hear from him. i don't know if i want to. of course part of me does...part of me, i hate so much to say this and i can't believe i'm even admitting it, but part of me longs desperately to hear his voice and get back involved. despite the drama, the heartache, the addiction, the disease that most likely will get worse before it gets better, if it even does.

i still love him. despite everything, i still do and it hurts to know that he ultimately chose his lifestyle over me. he was supposed to love me. we were making plans for our life together. i entered this relationship thinking it would be the best, but it has turned out to be the worst. so much promise, so much potential, and i feel like he just threw it all away. carelessly. can the desire for a substance really be greater than the desire for love and happiness with another person??

KMMK

Like Seeking Wisdom posted...the addictions RULES his life..
his choices ..
To this day, it is still difficult for me to understand and comprehend the depths to which it controls them..

i think i underestimated just how much this really is involved in all of their
choices and how consuming it is to their every move!
Thanks SW.
very helpful post!

CNMC2C

Absolutely. His actions have already proven that to you many times over. It was so hard for me to understand when I first realized that my A XBF was addicted to alcohol why on earth he could choose vodka over me. It drove me crazy trying to figure it out. I had to quit trying to figure it out and start trying to figure out why I allowed myself to be with someone who could never be an active part of a relationship unless it involved everything being about them. I was just the next enabler in his long line of enablers that had taken a stand with him and had to walk away. I look at what my A XBF has lost due to choosing alcohol over everything....he has lost me, his ex-wives (2 before I met him), his 3 children, his healthy friends who refuse to put up with his insanity anymore, his home, his health, and now he is tracking to lose his job. Most people would be devastated by those losses, but not him. Alcohol will always be his first true love, until/if he seeks recovery. Do yourself a favor and start focusing on yourself. I know it hurts like heck and is hard, but you have to save yourself. The kindest thing that you can ever do for him is to walk away and start working on creating a happy, healthy, wealthy life for yourself.

silkspin

hi queenie, I was away for awhile and came across your post while catching up. You have had some great support from everyone here. I felt I needed to comment as your situation has many parallels to mine!

I met him in school. He was a partier. We used to party together. As the years went on, my drinking/smoking subsided, his didn't. He was the one that someone, mostly me, had to try to get home, or loaded into a cab. Or he'd pass out where we were, with friends or even at the bar. His friends were all heavy drinkers/partiers as well and would laugh about it. When sober and getting drunk, they'd all swap stories about being drunk. Like there was nothing else. When we rented movies on a Friday for example, he'd get a phonecall and instead of saying our plans, he'd ask his buddies what was up. If there was a party, I could hear it in his voice that he'd want to go. I felt second fiddle - that I'd be the default if there wasn't something more exciting going on.

The stop mechanism - boy did we always talk about that. Why couldn't he stop when everyone else did? We'd be at a restaurant having a lovely dinner, and he'd slowly be getting loaded while others sipped their drinks. I wondered why everything was a keg party to him. The forever college kid. Eventually we got married and had a little girl, and this stuff just kept happening. And when we fought about it, he'd put it on me - I was a nag, I wasn't sexy enough, I didn't appreciate him when he does so much.

Fast forward - unlike you we're still together, but he got sober when I kicked him out 7 months ago. We're working on things. He has admitted to me that he didn't have a stop mechanism because he likes drinking. And likes it so much that when he starts, he doesn't want to stop. And here I'd be wondering about why he chooses alcohol over me, our baby, why he doesn't want the dream live I had for us, etc etc. And after all that agonizing, he simply liked and wanted to drink, and once he started, judgement flew out the window and he just wanted and craved to get smashed. And once he was thoroughly there, he'd smoke weed to top it off and pass out with a vengeance.

You will kill yourself trying to figure him out. The real secret to recovery is to stop trying. Once I withdrew myself from trying to live in his head and live in my own, I started not to care so much to get answers to those questions. I realized that I wanted those answers to validate my feelings of failure, of not being worthy enough to have him stop the drinking/hurting. Especially having his baby. How could that not be a good enough reason? Al anon helped me look at myself and why I accepted unacceptable behaviours from a loved one, and to validate my own feelings instead of looking to him to do that for me. Once I started to feel better about myself, it became unimportant to figure out him or his sh!t. And that was liberating for me. I didn't fail him or the relationship because I had no control over him to begin with. But I do know now that I failed myself - ignoring the flags, ignoring my self in favour of him and his issues. I have forgiven myself - we all make mistakes and sacrifice to try and get what we want, our fantasy life. If we learn from our mistakes then it's ok.

He wasn't ready to give up the life. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and as soon as you started to threaten that, he didn't want you around anymore. He will never give it up until he is good and ready, regardless of what anyone around him says and does. And the reality is, he may never be ready. And that's ok - it's his life. What counts now is YOUR life. That is yours. You can control that all you want cuz it truly belongs to you. Focus your energy on that and you'll be surprised at how fast the worries over him and the agony over the 'why' will dissipate.

queenie88

CNMC2C – at what point did you decide you had to walk away? What I’m still struggling with is the fact that HE kicked ME out!! Me, the person who loved him despite everything that he was doing to our relationship, who was there to pick up the pieces after another binge, who had to look the other way and tolerate his selfish, destructive behavior. I just have intense feelings of anger and resentment – I’m angry at myself for not being the one to leave first, for taking so much from him and not standing up for myself until it was too late. Angry at him for doing this to me, for carelessly throwing me away without giving a thought to how my life would be turned upside down after I gave up so much to be with him. Resentment for a love lost. And I do feel kind of foolish for posting this, like my situation is more trivial because there are people in this forum who have REALLY lost, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, siblings. I lost a love, a boyfriend, and I know in a way it seems less significant but I’m still struggling with the letting go and the forgiveness.

Silkspin – I definitely see the parallels of our situation. I used to be a drinker/partier/smoker too, mostly because I was in school and, well, that’s just what you do! But I moved to be with him in search of something real, but I felt that he could never give me something real because there were these unseen walls put up. Consciously or subconsciously. I felt like I could never really be with him, truly and completely, nor be loved the way I want to be loved – unconditionally, honestly and fully. I definitely understand what you’re saying about wanting to figure him out to validate feelings of failure. You sound like you’ve really come a long way in terms of working on your own issues and forgiving yourself. How do you let go of the hurt and the anger and the disappointment? The anger of being rejected by someone you love and have given so much up for, and the anger of disappointing yourself because you did give so much of yourself away.

There are people in this forum who’ve undoubtedly brought to light and even threatened their loved one’s lifestyles of drinking and drugging. Why was his response to completely eliminate me?

KMMK

queenie..
i think its important for each person..to stay or leave according to their OWN timetable..
when you are at YOUR breaking point...
not going by when it was best for someone else.
stay inner focused to YOU..what your gut is telling you..
not what others say you should do or when you should do it.
i learned that i used to ask others for solutions to MY problems..but truth was
i learned i had the answers to all within myself.
i also realized it was good to hear others suggestions etc..but eventually realized the final decisions were up to me..
i didnt have to please anyone ..just me!
i learned with recovery..to trust MYSELF.
of course, people pleasing others who are in recovery can be just as codependent as trying to please the alcoholic!..so im careful about Taking what i Like and Leaving the Rest.

To Thine Own Self Be True..
and
Be yourself..
everyone else is already taken!

queenie88

you sound really strong and in a really healthy place! i read back over some of your posts and your situation...you started to set boundaries for yourself and as soon as your A found that you wouldn't bend any more he left. sounds pretty similar. i began to voice my opinions about his behavior, suddenly i was the selfish one, i wasn't doing enough for the relationship. i'm still baffled by this behavior. how someone can turn it completely around on you and become blameless! it's crazy!

what's even crazier is the fact that i still love him and part of me is still hanging on to the hope that he'll call when he gets back in the country from working.

the whole trusting myself thing is something i really need to work on. i've lost a lot of confidence and faith in myself. i began to believe the things he was telling me about myself. even now, i have doubts.

KMMK

hi Queenie..
well if i sound strong ..its only because of the school of hard knocks!!
loving an alcoholic or druggie IS the school of hard knocks!
but i was with him because I wanted to be with him.
no excuses..no apologies.
i loved him..i know he loved me dearly too...BUT..
he also wanted an enabler..and he wanted an enabler MORE than he wanted
his soulmate!
he wanted an ATM and a servant more than a life partner..
he wanted a one way street..i wanted reciprocity.
so as i set firmer boundaries...knowing full well as time went by..that i could not please him..i had to take care of myself too in the mix.
that went over like a lead balloon.
the less i focused on him..the more cranky and unhappy he became about the arrangement.
i saw him when it was convenient for ME.
When i changed...i knew there would be a backlash..but i didnt expect it to be of this magnitude..
but if you dont do it the king baby way..
dont be shocked if its THE HIGHWAY for you!
(whoever coined the phrase my way or the highway...must have been an alkie / addict !)
he would bitch if i didnt go there in a hurricane like weather..
complaining i let him down again! lol
completely oblivious to how he let me down MANY times..
but with an addict/ A ...that never matters.
we are supposed to be strong..the give all..the do all..
never get sick..never complain...never disappoint..and hell..it just doesnt work that way.
i guess he saw that i was doing less and less and not about to yeild..
so he found someone else who would.
i never realized just how selfish the addiction makes them..
selfish and lazy and self centered and oblivious the needs/ feelings of others.
alot of time has passed since we split..i have healed alot....not completely..but quite abit..have had time to go back and look at the whole timeline leading up to the "crash and burn' breakup.
i know that man loved me alot...but what ive learned is
his addictions came first and foremost...
and that was what was "driving his car" and making his choices..
not love..
but necessesity.
it is the addiction sweetie...not YOU.
it takes time..and lots of it..to heal..to get yourself centered after a ride on the alcoholic rollercoaster/ merry go round..
keep reminding yourself of the FACTS.
the addiction rules..
its first.
i completely understand all your emotions and still feeling attached ..etc.
believe me..i still love my ex...and still miss him too.
and i ALWAYS will
i hear ya.

love,
kmmk:praying

KMMK

Also wanted to add Queenie..
take time to rest..some quiet...solitude...to think..introspect...and it will bring you some clarity away from the chaos!
in this time on my own..ive caught up on many things in my own life which i had neglected ...and it feels good to find more order and peace in my life.
im more rested...things are in overall better order...my credit cards are way down... ive lost weight i gained from stress..
and i have alot of goals im working towards.
So take time...put it to YOU..
you are worth it.

CNMC2C

CNMC2C – at what point did you decide you had to walk away?

I left when I realized that if I stayed another day with a man who mentally and emotionally abused me, who played horrible mind games with me with no care for how badly it would hurt me, who cheated on me with no telling how many women, that I would go even more insane than I already was. I had ridden the emotional roller coaster from hell so many times with him and just finally had to get off that ride and save myself. I decided that saving myself was 100 million times more important than trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved.


What I’m still struggling with is the fact that HE kicked ME out!! Me, the person who loved him despite everything that he was doing to our relationship, who was there to pick up the pieces after another binge, who had to look the other way and tolerate his selfish, destructive behavior.

I know that you cannot see this right now, but he actually did you a favor by kicking you out. He did for you what you probably couldn't do for yourself....which was to force you to walk away from him. I know it hurts like hell, but you will come to a day in which you see it as a blessing.



I just have intense feelings of anger and resentment – I’m angry at myself for not being the one to leave first, for taking so much from him and not standing up for myself until it was too late. Angry at him for doing this to me, for carelessly throwing me away without giving a thought to how my life would be turned upside down after I gave up so much to be with him. Resentment for a love lost.

Oh my gosh, I know those feelings so well. The first 6 months after I left my A XBF, I was just plain old ticked off at him, at myself, and the world. You have to find ways to channel your anger that are healthy. I started working out and started therapy to work on my issues. Those 2 things have really helped me to deal with my anger.



And I do feel kind of foolish for posting this, like my situation is more trivial because there are people in this forum who have REALLY lost, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, siblings. I lost a love, a boyfriend, and I know in a way it seems less significant but I’m still struggling with the letting go and the forgiveness.

You should not feel that your situation is trivial. You were in a relationship that ended badly and has been a life altering experience for you. You have been profoundly hurt. There is nothing about that, that is trivial. I was married once and my divorce from my ex husband does not even compare to the loss I felt when I decided that I had to cut my A XBF out of my life. No one here will ever tell you that your pain is trivial.


Queenie, I'm going to share the best advice that different people on this site have ever given me .....which happen to be a combination of one liners.....which I know right now you probably really don't want to hear.....but oh well, here they are:
1) you have to keep the focus on yourself
2) work on figuring out why you allowed yourself to be with someone who treated you disrespectfully
3) keep putting one foot in front of the other on recovery road
4) discover how to really love and honor yourself
5) do not compare your insides to his outsides
6) let go or be dragged!

Queenie....You will get through this in your own time. Be gentle with yourself:ghug2

BS08

My God queenie, I hear ya. You're speaking my feelings right now.

I found this article has helped me a lot:

How Self Deception Can Destroy Relationships

queenie88

BS08 this article really helped. i know my XABF is far from emotionally mature and healthy...he's 33 with the emotional maturity of an 18 year old, if that, whose only concern in life is getting wasted. he has a pretty good job now, but he used to be a liftie in his early 20s and every now and then he'd throw out how he just wants to go back to that carefree lifestyle of smoking weed and partying. i'm like....how is that different from your life now???? i guess it would be sans the responsibilities he has now - "real life" responsibilities.

ARRRRGGGHHH!!! i just have to remember these things when i'm feeling blue and missing him. i have to tell myself that he never truly loved me, that he probably can't even fathom what real love is, and he just wanted an enabler to preserve his self-image rather than someone who would challenge him for something real.

BS08

My God, did we date the same guy? My ex is actually 46 and still doing the ski patrol party life. That's all he wants to do. Sounds like we could talk....

swert

I'm really sorry to write this: one day you'll be gratefull to your exbf that he dumped you, because he did you a favor. He gave you another chance to have a happy life, he gave you another chance to meet some other man and to have a healthy relatioship with him. He gave you a chance to look at yourself, see yourself and change yourself. He tought you what's not healthy and what kind of people you should avoid. Don't waste this chance and have a new, better life and don't ever look back and feel sorry.