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I snapped!

Old 08-01-2009, 04:15 PM
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I snapped!

I thought I had a handle on my situation, and was doing ok, reading, learning etc. Well I had told my AH that he had to stop or we would not live together anymore, ok well I gave in to that and he has been having a "few" beers. I suppose that was ok....I never could see any affect on him, but today, he had 2 pitchers (which he somehow doesn't think is very much-I'd be on the floor). Anyway, I could immediately tell from the way he way acting he had been drinking, and I was going to take the kids to a movie and leave the baby with him, but I couldn't do that the way he was, so I let him go with us....wow....he was LOUD, he fell asleep in the movie, he was just acting ridiculous, not stumbling drunk, just ridiculous. I was SO embarrassed...I don't know if anyone else could tell, but I could and that was enough. I though I would maintain my composure and comfront him and let him know that it was to much, of course this ticked him off. Everytime I think I understand alcoholism, I remember that I really have NO idea...or concept of how important his addiciton is to him. Anyway, it didn't go well, he ended up calling me a *****, and making fun of me - I tried not to get mad, but I am SO hurt. I told him to get out - he took off his wedding ring and handed it to me, grabbed some things and left. I know he'll be back....but I hate this, I knew it was going down hill again - I knew it would - and when I go back to work next week, I know only worse...rambling sorry, just trying to think. He always is able to find a way to make me believe that it isn't that much or that bad.....but I know this is just the beginning again!
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Old 08-01-2009, 04:30 PM
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You don't have to stay stuck in the cycle.

I know for me, every time I tried to sweep my codependency issues under the rug, the end result was more pain than the last time.

I could only stay in denial for so long. When I finally hit my bottom and sunk to the floor sobbing so hard I thought I was going to throw up, my heart shattered into a million pieces, it was then and only then, I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You deserve so much better than what you are living, but no one else can give it to you except yourself. :ghug2 :ghug2
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Old 08-01-2009, 04:33 PM
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ok. so you set your boundary:

if you continue to drink, we will not live together anymore

so, he drank two pitchers of beer. which is, of course, drinking.

so, will you not be living together anymore?

do you have a plan?
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Old 08-01-2009, 06:25 PM
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Ugh. Sorry you had to go through that.

The thing that stood out in your post to me was:
He always is able to find a way to make me believe that it isn't that much or that bad
My thought was, uh, no, you are letting him convince you because you want to believe. That's what codependency does to a person.

I hope that you can figure out how to help yourself break the cycle you have put yourself in. He doesn't seem willing to change, but you can be willing to change yourself and your part in the situation.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 08-02-2009, 01:56 AM
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When you are done being mentally exhausted, you will be done.

When I was done hurting and being hurt, in the great scheme of things, I was done.

I may sound like LTD- but, are you done yet? is this enough? or are you in for another ride on the rollercoasteR?


I am sorry your husband is deep in active alcoholism. This is what alcoholics do. Hurt and then hurt more. Hurt, and when you think no more hurt its possible, tada! yet another scene, another critical word, another backstabbing, another letting a madman with a razor in your heart. This is expected. They drink-- and drink more. Your say does not matter or will change anything (to him). Why are you surprised? What are you going to do now?


Sorry if I sound harsh. I hope you remember you are in charge of your life and you do not need to put up with these scenes any single second more.
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Old 08-02-2009, 08:00 AM
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He always is able to find a way to make me believe that it isn't that much or that bad.....but I know this is just the beginning again!
Mentallyexh,

Please, pay attention to what you really"know" Mentallyexh.

I have read when you advised someone in a post, "you know when you know." Many of us here do this/have done this, or understand where this comes from.

The problem is we often really knew sooner. We just didn't have the ____________________ ( fill in the blank, each persons perspective here is different)
to act on what we really knew sooner and follow it through.

Part on what I get out of this community is why it is better to act on what I really know sooner and follow it through. The other is getting insight into what I haven't gone through/gone through yet or understanding better what i am going through.

So basically what I am saying is beware of letting your feelings rule ( your) truth , instead let truth guide your feelings.

So what do you ' really' know[=truth] today and is there anything you need to know that others here might have been through and possibly could specifically relate too, which might help you to follow through? ( on whatever you chose as your journey in relation too AH )

When one spouse chooses alcohol over their partnership and abuses this partnership, that spouse forces the other spouse to have to choose to make decisions to protect self , instead of protect the partnership. AH has forced the unity of one in partnership to have to be two people no longer in unity.

It becomes your responsibility to protect yourself when your partner not only didn't protect the partnership , he abused it. ( In protecting you you protect your children, it follows. You protect them and the future best when you are in the most healthy position you can be in.)

love tammy
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Old 08-02-2009, 08:33 AM
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1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
 
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(Wanted to keep this separate from the other post response ,:-} .)

The taking off the marriage band thing, that would have pissed me off , considering the situation.

It would speak volumes to me!!!!!

Such an action would have set me free , right after i was done being pissed off.
( but this comes from a person who is depleted of romantic love for here stbxah at present)

The word 'jerk' comes to mind over alcoholic in this, however, it might have been a statement in him setting you free because he "knows" what he is doing and thinks he can't stop. We know he really knows he ain't free. I had one of these experiences with my stbxah and didn't pick up on it, until later.( this may not be a patterned experience, just a projection in thought, so please just ignore me if this seems weird, especially if i am just sharing to much thought:-)

Sorry for what you are going through. You don't deserve this Mentallyexh. This is not what a partnership of a lover's marriage is suppose to be for you, for us, for anyone.

love tammy
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Old 08-02-2009, 11:10 AM
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June 11, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
Today has been over the top! Of course he returned and promised to stop drinking....but I guess I knew he would. He was SO angry that I talked to his parents, but they were there when he went to rehab before and I wasn't...I knew they'd understand. This set him off so much that he called me all kinds of cruel names and told me how worthless I am...and he wasn't even drunk....
June 17, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
My AH had told me he is quitting, at first he said he could drink been and would be fine until the other day he had 6 in the evening. I was very upset by this and told him that I didn't think that he could do it that way...and he ultimately agreed after saying it was really only 2 because he poured them in big glasses....interesting rationale.
June 20, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
He attended rehab years ago before we met....claimed they told him he wasn't really an alcoholic etc.....
He has tried to quit several times....always to slowly go back....
He is not attending and program just quitting cuz, "He can control it." Also...he is still making jokes like when i said it was hot, he said only 1 think can quench that thirst...laughing making a joke out of it all.
June 21, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
Well, what a day....5 days dry, but he's still angry, ANGRY...and not admitting a problem.
He has yelled at me all morning....told me I suck in front of my kids, grabbed me by the arm to control me and try to MAKE me not be angry for him yelling at me in church, flipped me off at my parents, and he took a nap, played internet and felt sorry for himself there.....
His behaviors are so strange to me.......he is SO mean to me.
Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
It has been a tough night, he constantly makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, I am not supporting him, I am not doing anything for him except complaining - whether he drinks or not - nothing changes.
July 2, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
Well, I really enjoy karaoke....and so my husband and I went tonight. I only drink Diet Coke, and thought he could control it like he said, but it wasn't long before he was doing shots again...
Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
so as my AH put it tonight refering to my past marriage, "Well, congrats you are 0 and 2."
July 7, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
So now I'm back to thinking maybe when we move, I set very clear distinct boundaries, and if he crosses them I will follow the consequences, one last attempt to not seperate.
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Old 08-02-2009, 11:18 AM
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July 10, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
He said I have to tell you something, I know what is wrong. Then he started talking and validated everything I believe and knew in my heart was wrong with our marriage and HE OWNED IT. Not blamed me, but broke down and owned it. Everything I had felt about what was going on, he told me it like someone had just told him....about his anger over me wanting him to stop drinking because that was his joy, him placing everything that bothered him on me etc.....without going to deep in to it - he too stress it all, he even said that HE needed counseling for himself because he did not know how to cope correctly, and used alcohol and anger for this....me being the target.
July 17, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
Just a quick question......ok......well it has been a bumpy road, and I finally felt we were making progress. Of course as always, he said he could drink 1-2 beers and I believe he could. Over the past week it has become a pitcher and then tonight a pitcher and a few shots.
July 23, 2009:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
OK..that is how I am feeling, like just a mere bump in his road...
I know I can't control him, but whenever I feel like he has a handle on things, they just seem to go downhill again - today, drinking several pitchers and goodness knows what else...
Yesterday:

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
but today, he had 2 pitchers (which he somehow doesn't think is very much-I'd be on the floor). Anyway, I could immediately tell from the way he way acting he had been drinking, and I was going to take the kids to a movie and leave the baby with him, but I couldn't do that the way he was, so I let him go with us....wow....he was LOUD, he fell asleep in the movie, he was just acting ridiculous, not stumbling drunk, just ridiculous. I was SO embarrassed...
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Old 08-02-2009, 11:19 AM
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It is painfully obvious to me that he is doing what he has always done. And you are still doing what you have always done. So, the outcome will continue to be the same until one of you changes. Which one of you do you think you have the power to change?

L
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Old 08-03-2009, 04:29 AM
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LaTeeDa that is one of my favorite quotes:

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.

Except with alcoholics it's tenfold because you will get what you've always gotten. Just a little worse. Every time.

mental, I'm sorry this is happening to you. You can only save yourself. From what I've read this man will never be your savior. Seems like outside of drinking (of course) he'd love nothing more than to tear you down for the rest of your lives. For the rest of your life, are you going to let him?
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Old 08-03-2009, 04:54 AM
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Hi Mentallyexh,

So sorry you are going through this.

Hugs
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