FreeingMyself

I thought I had a handle on my situation, and was doing ok, reading, learning etc. Well I had told my AH that he had to stop or we would not live together anymore, ok well I gave in to that and he has been having a "few" beers. I suppose that was ok....I never could see any affect on him, but today, he had 2 pitchers (which he somehow doesn't think is very much-I'd be on the floor). Anyway, I could immediately tell from the way he way acting he had been drinking, and I was going to take the kids to a movie and leave the baby with him, but I couldn't do that the way he was, so I let him go with us....wow....he was LOUD, he fell asleep in the movie, he was just acting ridiculous, not stumbling drunk, just ridiculous. I was SO embarrassed...I don't know if anyone else could tell, but I could and that was enough. I though I would maintain my composure and comfront him and let him know that it was to much, of course this ticked him off. Everytime I think I understand alcoholism, I remember that I really have NO idea...or concept of how important his addiciton is to him. Anyway, it didn't go well, he ended up calling me a *****, and making fun of me - I tried not to get mad, but I am SO hurt. I told him to get out - he took off his wedding ring and handed it to me, grabbed some things and left. I know he'll be back....but I hate this, I knew it was going down hill again - I knew it would - and when I go back to work next week, I know only worse...rambling sorry, just trying to think. He always is able to find a way to make me believe that it isn't that much or that bad.....but I know this is just the beginning again!

Freedom1990

You don't have to stay stuck in the cycle.

I know for me, every time I tried to sweep my codependency issues under the rug, the end result was more pain than the last time.

I could only stay in denial for so long. When I finally hit my bottom and sunk to the floor sobbing so hard I thought I was going to throw up, my heart shattered into a million pieces, it was then and only then, I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You deserve so much better than what you are living, but no one else can give it to you except yourself. :ghug2 :ghug2

naive

ok. so you set your boundary:

if you continue to drink, we will not live together anymore

so, he drank two pitchers of beer. which is, of course, drinking.

so, will you not be living together anymore?

do you have a plan?

vicarious

Ugh. Sorry you had to go through that.

The thing that stood out in your post to me was: My thought was, uh, no, you are letting him convince you because you want to believe. That's what codependency does to a person.

I hope that you can figure out how to help yourself break the cycle you have put yourself in. He doesn't seem willing to change, but you can be willing to change yourself and your part in the situation.

I wish you all the best.

TakingCharge999

When you are done being mentally exhausted, you will be done.

When I was done hurting and being hurt, in the great scheme of things, I was done.

I may sound like LTD- but, are you done yet? is this enough? or are you in for another ride on the rollercoasteR?


I am sorry your husband is deep in active alcoholism. This is what alcoholics do. Hurt and then hurt more. Hurt, and when you think no more hurt its possible, tada! yet another scene, another critical word, another backstabbing, another letting a madman with a razor in your heart. This is expected. They drink-- and drink more. Your say does not matter or will change anything (to him). Why are you surprised? What are you going to do now?


Sorry if I sound harsh. I hope you remember you are in charge of your life and you do not need to put up with these scenes any single second more.

MeHandle

Mentallyexh,

Please, pay attention to what you really"know" Mentallyexh.

I have read when you advised someone in a post, "you know when you know." Many of us here do this/have done this, or understand where this comes from.

The problem is we often really knew sooner. We just didn't have the ____________________ ( fill in the blank, each persons perspective here is different)
to act on what we really knew sooner and follow it through.

Part on what I get out of this community is why it is better to act on what I really know sooner and follow it through. The other is getting insight into what I haven't gone through/gone through yet or understanding better what i am going through.

So basically what I am saying is beware of letting your feelings rule ( your) truth , instead let truth guide your feelings.

So what do you ' really' know[=truth] today and is there anything you need to know that others here might have been through and possibly could specifically relate too, which might help you to follow through? ( on whatever you chose as your journey in relation too AH )

When one spouse chooses alcohol over their partnership and abuses this partnership, that spouse forces the other spouse to have to choose to make decisions to protect self , instead of protect the partnership. AH has forced the unity of one in partnership to have to be two people no longer in unity.

It becomes your responsibility to protect yourself when your partner not only didn't protect the partnership , he abused it. ( In protecting you you protect your children, it follows. You protect them and the future best when you are in the most healthy position you can be in.)

love tammy

MeHandle

(Wanted to keep this separate from the other post response ,:-} .)

The taking off the marriage band thing, that would have pissed me off , considering the situation.

It would speak volumes to me!!!!!

Such an action would have set me free , right after i was done being pissed off.
( but this comes from a person who is depleted of romantic love for here stbxah at present)

The word 'jerk' comes to mind over alcoholic in this, however, it might have been a statement in him setting you free because he "knows" what he is doing and thinks he can't stop. We know he really knows he ain't free. I had one of these experiences with my stbxah and didn't pick up on it, until later.( this may not be a patterned experience, just a projection in thought, so please just ignore me if this seems weird, especially if i am just sharing to much thought:-)

Sorry for what you are going through. You don't deserve this Mentallyexh. This is not what a partnership of a lover's marriage is suppose to be for you, for us, for anyone.

love tammy

LaTeeDa

June 11, 2009:

June 17, 2009:

June 20, 2009:

June 21, 2009:

July 2, 2009:

July 7, 2009:

LaTeeDa

July 10, 2009:

July 17, 2009:

July 23, 2009:

Yesterday:

LaTeeDa

It is painfully obvious to me that he is doing what he has always done. And you are still doing what you have always done. So, the outcome will continue to be the same until one of you changes. Which one of you do you think you have the power to change?

L

Crazy4Him

LaTeeDa that is one of my favorite quotes:

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.

Except with alcoholics it's tenfold because you will get what you've always gotten. Just a little worse. Every time.

mental, I'm sorry this is happening to you. You can only save yourself. From what I've read this man will never be your savior. Seems like outside of drinking (of course) he'd love nothing more than to tear you down for the rest of your lives. For the rest of your life, are you going to let him?

MissFixit

Hi Mentallyexh,

So sorry you are going through this.

Hugs