Detachment - Falling out of love??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 118
If I have to detach it is because the complained of behavior is so detrimental it is a threat to my well being and I have protect myself.
Sex?????????? I have to be vulnerable enough to allow someone close. Things do not work for me that way. Sex and detachment are mutually exclusive.
Detach with Love ..that I can do....in the sense of Agape.
Sex?????????? I have to be vulnerable enough to allow someone close. Things do not work for me that way. Sex and detachment are mutually exclusive.
Detach with Love ..that I can do....in the sense of Agape.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Linkmeister 
My ABF is in the midst of a binge and I have detached to the best of my ability, keeping things as normal (whatever normal is, living with an A) as possible, keeping daily routines and the like.
After his last binge where I lost control over my emotions as much as he did over his drinking, I vowed that I would never let that happen again. I know I do love him but not the disease and it has not been easy to equate one with the other, nor to detach. The urge for me to engage him, to tell him he needs help has been overwhelming but what I keep forgetting is that in doing so, I take away his dignity to be who he is and to let him do what he does. Whether my form of detachment is working or not, I don't know, he went out after dinner - looking like hell, feeling like hell - to make matters worse, he is tapering off anti-depressants - and when I asked him if he was OK, he kind of mumbled something and left. Since he has been gone, I find myself not obsessing when he will be home, waiting for the door to open or things like that.
When he is drinking, I can't stand the smell of stale beer or the sound of another can being opened. I have held back physically-we were always cuddlers and touchers but not for the past few days. I don't think that means I'm falling out of love with him, just that the smell of beer, the sound of another can being opened reminds me of his disease and I do hold back on affection.
After his last binge where I lost control over my emotions as much as he did over his drinking, I vowed that I would never let that happen again. I know I do love him but not the disease and it has not been easy to equate one with the other, nor to detach. The urge for me to engage him, to tell him he needs help has been overwhelming but what I keep forgetting is that in doing so, I take away his dignity to be who he is and to let him do what he does. Whether my form of detachment is working or not, I don't know, he went out after dinner - looking like hell, feeling like hell - to make matters worse, he is tapering off anti-depressants - and when I asked him if he was OK, he kind of mumbled something and left. Since he has been gone, I find myself not obsessing when he will be home, waiting for the door to open or things like that.
When he is drinking, I can't stand the smell of stale beer or the sound of another can being opened. I have held back physically-we were always cuddlers and touchers but not for the past few days. I don't think that means I'm falling out of love with him, just that the smell of beer, the sound of another can being opened reminds me of his disease and I do hold back on affection.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi all you detaching loved ones. Coodo's on making that effort! Now let me explain something from the other side of the fence here. I'm the user. Not alcohol, but opiates. But I have drank my share of alcohol in my past, so I'm sure what the opiates do for me is what the alcohol does for your loved ones.
So let me say this: The DOC becomes our "lover"! The warm feeling we get in our insides after it takes effect is nothing like what we get from the people around us. Sorry to have to tell you this. So when that "lover" starts taking over our lives, relationships, family, being able to function in normal day to day activities we start using more and more to try to compensate for our failed mishaps. As a user, our minds start focusing only on when we get that next "fix". Whether it be to give us courage, stamina, etc. we start failing in our loved ones eyes as the person they fell in love with. Drugs and alcohol are a wicked/visious cycle to get started on. No matter how many times a person tells a user he/she needs to stop, it probably isn't going to make them stop. We as the user have to come to grips on our own to make that decision. We get mad at the people trying to tell us what to do simply because we feel like we are going to lose our "lover" if we give it up. Also be aware, you aren't talking to someone with their brain cells too clear. When a loved one starts detaching and stops performing for us as they use to, rocking the boat, then that's just a VERY good excuse to use more. Ah ha! Someone to blame. I can go use and blame you for putting me in this mood. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS!!!! It's the addiction that is controlling our thoughts and actions.
I have 19 days clean today off the pain meds, AGAIN! So you are hearing this from someone that is and has walked in your loved ones shoes. There was a reason why we started on this path of using, BUT GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY! The person you love, ISN'T IN THERE RIGHT NOW! It might be tomorrow or next year or maybe never when they stop using. So the main thing here is: Take care of yourself, your children or whomever. But trying to fix a user that doesn't feel like he/she needs fixing isn't going to get you very far! Take it from me, I'm one of them. I do love myself a whole lot more off these opiates, but it's my choice to stay clean. I wasn't forced into it.
May you let all of this info soak in and have a new insight as to what the addict is doing.
So let me say this: The DOC becomes our "lover"! The warm feeling we get in our insides after it takes effect is nothing like what we get from the people around us. Sorry to have to tell you this. So when that "lover" starts taking over our lives, relationships, family, being able to function in normal day to day activities we start using more and more to try to compensate for our failed mishaps. As a user, our minds start focusing only on when we get that next "fix". Whether it be to give us courage, stamina, etc. we start failing in our loved ones eyes as the person they fell in love with. Drugs and alcohol are a wicked/visious cycle to get started on. No matter how many times a person tells a user he/she needs to stop, it probably isn't going to make them stop. We as the user have to come to grips on our own to make that decision. We get mad at the people trying to tell us what to do simply because we feel like we are going to lose our "lover" if we give it up. Also be aware, you aren't talking to someone with their brain cells too clear. When a loved one starts detaching and stops performing for us as they use to, rocking the boat, then that's just a VERY good excuse to use more. Ah ha! Someone to blame. I can go use and blame you for putting me in this mood. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS!!!! It's the addiction that is controlling our thoughts and actions.
I have 19 days clean today off the pain meds, AGAIN! So you are hearing this from someone that is and has walked in your loved ones shoes. There was a reason why we started on this path of using, BUT GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY! The person you love, ISN'T IN THERE RIGHT NOW! It might be tomorrow or next year or maybe never when they stop using. So the main thing here is: Take care of yourself, your children or whomever. But trying to fix a user that doesn't feel like he/she needs fixing isn't going to get you very far! Take it from me, I'm one of them. I do love myself a whole lot more off these opiates, but it's my choice to stay clean. I wasn't forced into it.
May you let all of this info soak in and have a new insight as to what the addict is doing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
here is one thing melody beattie says about detaching in "language of letting go"
we relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. we take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same.
when i ponder what/how to detach, this helps put it in perspective.
we relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. we take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same.
when i ponder what/how to detach, this helps put it in perspective.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote from Heartless: (( My AH's mom keeps asking me to let him recover at home with me and that he needs me and that this is part of the "for better or worse" part of a marriage. ))
Detaching doesn't necessarily mean love totally ends, or that the relationship does, but it often does so for many reasons. Often it is because the A gets worse, the or the SO in their lives learns, grows and gets better at discerning what they really want and need.
As in Heartless situation, so often the A's family bring up the marriage vow of "for better or worse", but conveniently forget the vow made by the A, "to love, honour and cherish".
I can see no loving, honouring or cherishing in a partner being drunk, drinking the family finances down the drain, abusing the spouse and children, losing jobs, getting DUI's or in the many other facets of life with an active A.
The only loving, honouring or cherishing in the relationship is between the A and their DOC, and cuts off anyone and anything else in their lives.
When I see "mom" is trying to push D-I-L into caring for the A, I get hot under the collar. The A's wife is his WIFE, not his mother. If mom is so concerned about her son's recovery and feels he needs "mothering" thru it, let her do it.
After all, the wife is probably exhausted from salvaging what she can from the mess left behind, and trying to make a safe and secure life for her kids.
God bless
Detaching doesn't necessarily mean love totally ends, or that the relationship does, but it often does so for many reasons. Often it is because the A gets worse, the or the SO in their lives learns, grows and gets better at discerning what they really want and need.
As in Heartless situation, so often the A's family bring up the marriage vow of "for better or worse", but conveniently forget the vow made by the A, "to love, honour and cherish".
I can see no loving, honouring or cherishing in a partner being drunk, drinking the family finances down the drain, abusing the spouse and children, losing jobs, getting DUI's or in the many other facets of life with an active A.
The only loving, honouring or cherishing in the relationship is between the A and their DOC, and cuts off anyone and anything else in their lives.
When I see "mom" is trying to push D-I-L into caring for the A, I get hot under the collar. The A's wife is his WIFE, not his mother. If mom is so concerned about her son's recovery and feels he needs "mothering" thru it, let her do it.
After all, the wife is probably exhausted from salvaging what she can from the mess left behind, and trying to make a safe and secure life for her kids.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10
I'm so new, so while I can offer no advice, I can tell you about me.
I fell out of love before I detached, honestly. I only stayed attached because I wanted my kids to have a family. I thought that maybe I could fall back in love with him if he stopped drinking. The anger, bitterness, even hatred was there for me before I detached. It was the only thing that kept me attached. Detaching has lifted a weight off my shoulders. If you ask me, yes I am still so angry, but it doesn't rule my life any more. For a while, telling him everyday what a piece of trash he was made me feel better. Only after detaching, did I realize, my not commenting on his actions actually affected him more and was more productive for me.
I fell out of love before I detached, honestly. I only stayed attached because I wanted my kids to have a family. I thought that maybe I could fall back in love with him if he stopped drinking. The anger, bitterness, even hatred was there for me before I detached. It was the only thing that kept me attached. Detaching has lifted a weight off my shoulders. If you ask me, yes I am still so angry, but it doesn't rule my life any more. For a while, telling him everyday what a piece of trash he was made me feel better. Only after detaching, did I realize, my not commenting on his actions actually affected him more and was more productive for me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
