HanahGoodness

I've been married for 26 years to a closet alcoholic, and I think I've been a closet codependent for almost as long. Just in the past few months have I really opened my eyes to my husband's alcoholism and my own ability to cover for him at a moment's notice. We've both gotten so good at covering our issue.....until now. I've decided I can't live like this any more, yet I really am struggling with how to change my life. My primary focus since I've realized he was an alcoholic is getting him treatment, and yet, he drags his feet on any of it. In the past few weeks, he won't go to any therapy session or AA meeting without my approval or my setting it up. I already have 4 kids, I don't need another one. Who supports me? Who is my rock? I've watched him alienate his kids, be mentally abusive to me, and put walls up to cover his own hurt and anger at himself. I don't want to live like this. I've started to read Codependent No More, and I do think that there is a lot to be said for setting up boundaries. Yet, I want to live in a marriage where there doesn't have to be a boundary set to feel safe.

HanahGoodness

Thank you.........I completely see your point. As you can see, I have one foot in and one foot out. The comment you made about the other grownup taking care of himself is so true.

tjp613

Hanah - I am glad to hear that you are reading the co-dependency book. Sometimes it takes quite a bit of 'education' to see how we fit that mold -- for it to really sink in that yes indeedy, we are the POSTER CHILD for co-dependency!!!

You should reverse gears and bury your head in Al-Anon & Co-dependency literature and meetings! -- lots of meetings!! Keep posting here and sooner or later you'll see the light!

Keep reading Friends & Family posts here on SR and I guarantee you'll get it sooner rather than later. We ARE you...just some may be a wee bit further along the road.

You won't get him to change by nagging and cajoling - you're wasting your breath and energy. That energy is better spent on your kids and taking care of your own well-being, like going to the gym, hobbies, therapy, church or meetings -- whatever floats YOUR boat and gets you relaxed and happy. Sound good?

TakingCharge999

Hanah I got so caught up thinking it was me, if only I looked better and be more interesting to him and change this or that or say it in such a way he would get it... he would prefer me other than his drinking or moderate himself and stop being the abusive jerk he turned out to be drunk or afterwards ("why are you angry? i dont remember what i said. now lets have sex")

:rotfxko

You are just not in the equation. His drinking is between him and his private tortures, and God/HP. You have NO impact whatsoever. There is NOTHING you can do. You can't cure him, you can't control him, you did not cause his problem. Its not yours. Stop carrying it.

There is nothing you can do. Try to focus on yourself, what do YOU like to do? what do you enjoy? who are your true friends? plan stuff with the kids. Start living your own life....

I know easier said than done, but others have made it, there is no reason why we can't, too.

MeHandle

HanahGoodness, you go girl!!!

About your quote above : well , that is your boundary then ! See it? If he doesn't do what he needs to do for you to feel safe then you don't want to live in that marriage.

The man will reap what he sows and so will you.

Might his follow through ( being your grown man husband) for himself instead of allowing you to do it, instead of him being like your kid, be one of the things you need to feel "safe" with him as a husband?

love tammy

HanahGoodness

We just came from our marriage therapist where I told him in a "safe" setting that I wanted him to take control of his drinking, his emotional baggage, and that unless he did so, I wouldn't watch him self-destruct. He totally shut down, so that our counselor saw what he does to me when I try to have a discussion with him about anything that relates to this. Tonight, afterward, when we came home and were face to face with each other, without any kids around, he told me how I was responsible for bringing him down in front of our therapist. How it was me that crashed his great "high" that he'd had from a good day at work. It was such an unbelievable example of what he does to me.

I'm going to take care of myself, my family, and move on to the next realm of my emotional safety. Thank you for all of your supportive comments today.

blessed4x

Welcome Hanah!! 22 years of marriage for me and 4 kids as well. I just divorced my AH 3 weeks ago. I couldn't live the way we were anymore. We were being verbally abused, manipulated, ultimately he cheated (which I had suspected for a while but never able to prove), and I found that I was becoming more and more preoccupied with "fixing" him.

Some people here have found a way to stay and detach and it works well for them. Others of us had to move on. You don't have to decide today what is going to work best for you, but you've taken that first step in naming the problem (alcoholism/co-dependency). Keep reading and posting. Maybe give Alanon a try. Great that you are seing a counselor.....I hope you can get a few sessions on your own.

I found that when I really started learning and growing, the decisions I had to make to change my life and my kids lives came pretty easily.

rae33

Hi Hanah,
I'm sorry you had to go through that today, it does seem a perfect example of how they can turn everything around to become our fault. Working out your issues IS the point of counseling, seems he isn't ready to admit he has any... Stay strong and keep the focus on you, he's had more than his fair share of it all this time and hasn't appreciated it- it's your turn.

whyamistaying

That was well said. So true!!!