brundle

I haven't written on these boards in a really long time. I've tried to keep going. Keep healthy and not let my AH make me crazy. Little by little I've been packing my stuff. It keeps me happy.

I don't know if it's just me, but I hate going away with my AH!!! I'm at the beach with mine and my 22 yr old daughter and 18yr old son. Both of them who I really feel need work and I see stuff I don't like; but I feel they are young. Plenty of time to change and they aren't drinking. There's hope, but put their problems on top of my 51 yr old AH in a small beach house. The trip is only 2 days in and I want to go home!!! Honestly I don't like to go away with him if it was just him. I hate how critical he is and the nasty way he says stuff. I hate the drinking. I hate how disrespectful he is around me whenever anything with breasts and a bathing suite walks by!!! UGH!!! Luckily I am really secure in myself or he would reduce me to nothing!!! I try to be forgiving because that's what's good for "me".... but I would love to just punch him in the face!!! Sorry... thanks for letting me vent... I think if I stood out front here and screamed they would call the cops!!!! Maybe I would have more fun at the station...LOL!

Does anyone else dread spending time with their A??? Or am I just crazy? I'm always thinking..."I wont miss this or that when I leave...." I know he's been trying but he's just not a nice person over all.....

LucyA

I don't mean to be rude, but if you hate it so much why did you go?

brundle

Well we are still married and I thought it would be easier then the fight if I didn't go... I know that sounds crazy. But everything that has to do with still being with an A is crazy. I'm always weighing the options... Is this better? or Is this worse?

It made sense in my senseless world....

Edit: Did I mention that he's always talking about 'working' on things... So I foolishly thought he wouldn't be so rude...

rae33

AH and I had been planning a trip back home to TX this summer for over a year. We hadn't been back in 10 years. The trip was mainly for his big family reunion and to see his elderly great gran, etc. I had been silently dreading it all along but was willing to go as I do love his family. On one of his most recent binges he thought I had locked him out of the house ( he has a key and we also have a hidden key outside) and he was so furious with me when I got home (luckily it was late, around 1 am) he pounded on my car window so hard I thought it would break and called me a very foul name at the top of his lungs (still praying the neighbors didn't hear).

That was it- I told him the next day that I would not be accompanying him on this trip as I couldn't stand the thought of trying to cover for him around his (mostly clueless) family- that I simply wasn't strong enough and was not willing to bear all the weight and responsibility of the trip when he couldn't even open the door with the key he had or remember that there was a spare under under a rock!!!

So,,, he is in TX right now, I think he has been staying sober as I have talked to him at night and he wouldn't dare act up around his family, plus he cant drive (DUI) so is pretty much stuck at home with them. Our son went also but I made sure that AH's mom and sister would always be responsible for him, just to be safe. I am enjoying the peace and quiet!! I would be a wreck right now if I had gone...

GiveLove

Only you can decide whether walking on eggshells with an abusive, nasty pig of a drunk is better than taking a risk and trying something else. (btw If this is "trying" I would've hated to see what he was like before.) If you intend to stay with this man for the long term, you may as well try to find a way to cope. Al-Anon, counseling, all that. If you intend to leave, maybe for your own sanity you can minimize the amount of time you spend with him, and NO more trips. How icky for you!!!

I have done that - long-distance trips with AX to see the AX-in-laws. I shudder just remembering. No way you can go home?

HanahGoodness

Brundle--I understand your feelings. It sounds like me....you are trying to keep your life intact for your family. As I told my therapist, "I can live like this for awhile." I just keep feeling like I'm not emotionally attached when we are away as a couple or a family. I mean, I'm attached to my kids, but not him. I think it is because I just don't want to be hurt by him anymore. Detaching is the way that I stay "safe". I'm physically there, just not emotionally.

TakingCharge999

I remember going to the beach and having a good time, then spending one hellish night thinking of ways to leave, stay somewhere else, catch a bus back home, but then i didnt have my own keys yet, and not enough money... I recall the road trip home.... I was silent the whole time wondering if this was it. Then ex would put a sexist comedian on the CD player, and we had other male friends there in the same car having fun with them. I would act as if I was sleeping. I didn't want to make waves. I was a doormat. Hope you find it in yourself there are options to live in a different way. Its not easy. But its worth it. I read somewhere, if the woman of the family is not happy, no one will be. I think its true!

LucyA

I truly didn't mean to offend or seem harsh. I just wondered why, if you knew (as your post implied) how bad it would be, you still went.
I sort of understand what you mean about still being married and going being easier than the fight if you didn't, although I've never been married to an A.

smacked

So you're wanting to be married to and continue this 'relationship' with an active alcoholic who is drunk, mean and disrespectful. What's the surprise here? Hun, you're in this situation by choice.. and I know that's simplistic, but it's also fact.

LucyA

That's what I don't get! I really truly understand some people are further on in recovery than others, but why choose to take a 'holiday' when it's going to be anything but?

tjp613

Because....

MeHandle

Since you are on vacation..... :-).... i would like to encourage you instead of tell you about feelings. Let us know when you get back and I will tell you how i feel then. :-)

Well , since you are on vacation and your husband is not acting like a husband who a wife goes on vacation with go do stuff you want, where you want, without him. " bye, I am going to the store, out to eat, to see a sight, to meet the locals." And only ask your kids if you wouldn't mind if they came along.

Go sit on the beach somewhere away from him and enjoy the views. It's your vacation too. Be miserable on it or enjoy it. I make these suggestions cause i hope you enjoy it. :-)

declaimer: this is not advice, it is encouragement to have a good time on your vacation. detach and vacation , would ya..... lol.......

love tammy

ItsmeAlice

I used to feel this way when STBXABF and I had to go any office function, family dinner, or other event.

He would intentionally pick a fight over something minor, or he would ask a dozen questions over and over about where we were going, what he should wear, did I have directions..on and on. He would do this until I finally got irritated and snapped an answer back to him. Then he would almost smirk at me and say, "Fine, if you don't want me to go, you can go by yourself." He would be out of his nice clothes and have two beers downed before I could say anything else.

All he wanted was an excuse to blame his not going on me. If he did go, he could blame me for making him go.

It's all about manipulation. It's all about his world remaining exactly as he wants it with no deviation or change that he does not control.

You are part of the world that AH has control over. This 'vacation' is also part of that world. To enjoy an outing, or better yet your life, you have to take control over it. Try to make something for you to do during these couple of days that you enjoy. Read a book. Go for a walk. Dig for clams....whatever you can find some solace in. When you return home, consider taking more control over your life than just slowly packing your things.

Alice

blessed4x

brundle....I've missed you! Try your very hardest to enjoy every minute you have left on that beautiful beach. Detach, detach, detach. Then, when you are back home remember these feelings to help you put a plan in place to change your situation.

Life is SO much brighter now that all of that stuff is in my past. Like my therapist says, it's like when, in the Wizard of Oz, everything goes from black and white to color. My kids are good, I'm enjoying life, even the dog is more relaxed! You can change your situation. Everything you need is within you.

ICant

No advice brundle but your post brought back memories of Christmas vacations to my AH's hometown. I am sympathetic.

Still Waters

Sometimes the going is easier than the staying - there are repercussions for any decision. We do end up weighing every single move we make, our lives are so wrapped up in what our A is going to do or think. Sigh.

It's a miserable way to live.