lovtolaff

Rae - I took this from your thread - I hope you don't mind:

I'm curious as to if there are others out there that also feel this way - mostly about the things you used to do seem "tarnished" now.

When I read this - I related with it...not so much the part about "nothing going on in my life at all" but mostly the part about things being somehow ruined now...I still do some/most of things I like to do but it does seem "different" now. It's like I'm jaded and cynical these days...

Quite frustrating actually.

rae33

I don't mind at all... I am sorry to hear that you feel that way, too. It's not a good feeling! Cynical kind of describes it but I also think of how when a child loses its innocence, how it never comes back, it's gone forever.

I feel like the child who used to love life, laughing, exploring, experiencing, and then I learned the 'darker' side of life. I just hope I can regain some of my joy somewhere down the line. Time heals all wounds?

lovtolaff

No it's not a good feeling...

I think you might be on to something here...not only was my ex an alcoholic but also a crack addict and needless to say, I witnesses some pretty traumatic things that I would never believe or know the absurdity of if I hadn't seen them with my on eyes...so yeah, maybe I lost some of my "innocence". Yes I've seen the "darker" side and it's pretty dang scary.

I would have said yes to this prior to experiencing this last relationship...now I'll have to say "time heals MOST wounds" - I don't think all of my "wounds" from this last relationship will ever truly be gone...but it was quite the learning experience if that helps anyone!! lol And yeah I have MOST of my joy back - but there is always a memory of that "darker" side that creeps in every now and then.

rae33

I think 'absurdity' is a perfect word for it!

Still Waters

Depression gives you the impression that all things are tarnished, that nothing is exciting or fun.

Might be that. For me it definitely is.

hotcheeto

This post made me sad, I too feel that way. I do everything in fear or will it trigger something in him? Make him angry? Will he find out I went bowling without him?

Its ridiculous.

rae33

Hotcheeto, I am sorry you're feeling sad, too. ((hugs)) Why do we let others control us so?

Maybe this is just depression, it makes sense. In my recent readings (don't know if I read it here or elsewhere), I came across the definition of depression as: anger turned inward.

I AM angry, I know that! AH always tells me, too... "you're such an angry person" blah blah blah. I'm like, what came first the alcoholic husband or the angry wife? I know what I think but I'm sure he doesn't see it that way...

discontentmiser

yeah, I'm fairly depressed
(horrendously glad school is out!!!!!!! so depression is not quite so bad)

and am a very anxious person

I have to force myself to get out of the house, or ride a bus, or read a book (previously my fave passtime)
but it's just so hard to find the will and energy, you know?

yet again my fear of doing the "wrong" thing or being a "bad" girl and not doing what I "should"
trumps my lethargy and gets me off my butt.

I know now that I'm a really angry person and am so self critical on SO MANY levels that everything is distorted outta whack.

I'm glad this is here,
-big hug to everyone on the forum

Still Waters

A good therapist will help you (and me) work through the anger issues. We have to learn to forgive ourselves and let that anger go, or we're stuck in this perpetual cycle.

TakingCharge999

:ghug2

we could put a shop, no motivation, anxiety and cynism R us !!

i agree its like you got excited about something, then this horrendous monster appeared from nowhere ... so how can you relax now or find joy in anything. at some point i think its a natural response but then it becomes an excuse not to live your life anymore.. in the end i guess its between you and how much satisfaction you want to feel in your life? and taking your life for granted... when you say "this day does not matter, maybe tomorrow" i will do X thing, well no one assures you tomorrow you will be given the gift of life.

i imagine god looking me "i gave her a smile and these talents and this is what she does with the life i granted her" probably not healthy to use guilt as a drive, but when i think i will live one day and appreciate what god has given me i find more motivation...

perhaps we also need to find a "frustrated bottom" and after years or decades wasting our life in sorrow, one day This is It and we embrace life... perhaps we are also addicted to this 'nothing matters anymore' attitude and we will deny it until our very last breathe?? or accept it but do nothing about it?

i read depression is made of all of those "little angers" that are so little you dont even mention but BUG you.... i am not sure either how to believe i DO matter and what i DO matters and i am a valued member of the planet??????? LOL.

it seems i will keep rambling today.. sorry all... feels good not to be alone~

lovtolaff

Please tell me it's NOT going to be "years or decades" before I can get rid of any/all feelings for him!!!!

Yes it does...more than you know.

ICant

Regarding how things that made us happy, now seem tarnished...

Sort of a trivial example but I had a pearl necklace given to me from a favourite cousin. I wore it when we would go out. AH whilst drunk would make disparaging remarks about how it was not real, according to him it was just a cheap plastic white necklace, it looked crappy, you are an idiot for wearing it etc.

I'd heard this many times and one time I got sick of hearing it and broke the necklace apart, then threw away all the beads. More to the point I was probably sick of him being drunk everytime we went out but to admit that to myself was too hard. In my mind I made the issue all about the necklace and how he ruined everything I liked.

Now that I've had 7 months of stability in my life, with my Al-Anon glasses on, I've examined this past event and I know that I had given him too much say in how I felt. A drunk insulted what I was wearing. So what? Just because the drunk is also my husband doesn't mean I had to listen to it. I have to admit that what I did was as crazy as his actions. I broke something I liked.

TakingCharge999

hopefully not, lovetolaff, but by now its almost a year and many things still sting.. i know it will take much more time for me to truly heal and become indifferent....

yes, exabf also said i looked bad in a pair of trousers, always remember that when i put them on and feel bad about myself.. i mean as if he was brad pitt !! it sucks.. all those triggers and objects, sheeeeeesh

although its a good excuse to buy a new pair

rae33

the pearl necklace makes me think about a painting that AH and I had bought together early in our relationship, a painting of a path going through a beautiful flower garden. I always loved it so much because it was pretty but also because we had bought it together, it really stood, in my mind, for our love of each other and our mutual love of nature, etc. I really liked this painting!

About 2 years ago, he was drunk and yelling at me about how everything was "his" ( he has completely supported me for about 3 years, although there were many years early in our relationship that I was the primary earner...) He was pointing out things in the room and claiming they were HIS. Anyway, he finally got to that painting and claimed it to be HIS. And even though I know he was just a rambling, idiotic drunk at the time, that painting has just never been the same for me. I even took it down and left it in the basement for awhile, til we moved to our new place in December. I used to get such joy when my eye would see it, and now I am only reminded of that night... I want to still love the painting, I just don't.