How do I handle this???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 19
How do I handle this???
Well after my AH GF's latest episode she has decided to quit drinking on her own. She has told me she would go to AA and seek help but I have not seen any evidence of this. I told her I would leave if she did not quit and seek help.
Well she has been sober for five days and the first four she was a pleasure to be around, not moody and the person I fell in love with. Last night she was the complete opposite she was very irritable and in a terrible mood. I asked her what was wrong while she was watching TV and she snapped at me and told me to leave her alone. I ask why are you in such a terrible mood there has to be a reason and that I want to be there for her. She basically goes off and tells me it’s from the withdrawal.
Her eyes were blood shot last night as well. Could she have been drinking during the day which would explain her change in behavior?
My question is how do I handle this period? I want her to communicate and tell me what she’s feeling but she won’t. Anyone thats ever been in this situation please chime in...
Well she has been sober for five days and the first four she was a pleasure to be around, not moody and the person I fell in love with. Last night she was the complete opposite she was very irritable and in a terrible mood. I asked her what was wrong while she was watching TV and she snapped at me and told me to leave her alone. I ask why are you in such a terrible mood there has to be a reason and that I want to be there for her. She basically goes off and tells me it’s from the withdrawal.
Her eyes were blood shot last night as well. Could she have been drinking during the day which would explain her change in behavior?
My question is how do I handle this period? I want her to communicate and tell me what she’s feeling but she won’t. Anyone thats ever been in this situation please chime in...
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
your post reminds me of how tiring it made me trying to figure out the best way to deal with my A.
I just try and deal with me now. How am I feeling? What makes me happy. What makes me uncomfortable. Am I living in the moment? Am I grateful for the wonderful things I have in life?
I lost/threw away what ever it was that made me wonder how to deal with "him". It was just too much work trying to take care of both of us, while he took care of no one.
Good luck.
I just try and deal with me now. How am I feeling? What makes me happy. What makes me uncomfortable. Am I living in the moment? Am I grateful for the wonderful things I have in life?
I lost/threw away what ever it was that made me wonder how to deal with "him". It was just too much work trying to take care of both of us, while he took care of no one.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
AH GF's means what exactly?
After 5 days she is not likely to be in acute withdrawal but PAWS is a definite possibility. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
How do you handle it? Well you told her you would leave if she did not quit AND seek help. She seems to have quit, but there is no evidence of her seeking help, AA or otherwise. So IMHO you should be good to your word and leave.
After 5 days she is not likely to be in acute withdrawal but PAWS is a definite possibility. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
How do you handle it? Well you told her you would leave if she did not quit AND seek help. She seems to have quit, but there is no evidence of her seeking help, AA or otherwise. So IMHO you should be good to your word and leave.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: nsw sydney
Posts: 55
I disagree with the last post, she has got sober on her own and she is obviously trying to deal with it...my fiance gets the same, absolutely unbarrable during the first week of being sober.
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Its normal. It will get better just give her space, try and stay positive reminding her of how well she has done to get sober, not reminding her of the things she hasnt done.
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good luck hun.
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Its normal. It will get better just give her space, try and stay positive reminding her of how well she has done to get sober, not reminding her of the things she hasnt done.
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good luck hun.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Stay out of the way.
Do your own thing.
More will be revealed.
This is a long row to hoe!!
A newly sober alcoholic is struggling with many different problems - mostly psychological/spiritual. They can often be helped by other recovered alcoholics, but not by us normies! We've never been alcoholics and tried to quit so we don't have much to offer in that department, and you'll find it is a mine field if you step in thinking you can "help!"
Can you get to some AlAnon meetings? You know about AlAnon right? It is designed to help the ones who love the alcoholic. It really turned my head around. Maybe give it a try!
peace-
b
Do your own thing.
More will be revealed.
This is a long row to hoe!!
A newly sober alcoholic is struggling with many different problems - mostly psychological/spiritual. They can often be helped by other recovered alcoholics, but not by us normies! We've never been alcoholics and tried to quit so we don't have much to offer in that department, and you'll find it is a mine field if you step in thinking you can "help!"
Can you get to some AlAnon meetings? You know about AlAnon right? It is designed to help the ones who love the alcoholic. It really turned my head around. Maybe give it a try!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Middle Village, NY
Posts: 48
I'm at the same spot as you right now. My husband drinks and he thinks he doesn't need any help. He thinks he can do it all by himself. He may handle with no alkohol up to one week. One time he even made it two. I was so happy, I stopped counting. It's going on and on for two years right now and I can observe he gets worse. Every next time he drinks again he gets worse. In his eyes everything is my fault, he will find any little excuse to go and get a drink.
I went to AlAnon it did help me, I will go again. But it's not going to solve all your problems. It will just give you a little peace of mind.
The good thing is that she's trying not to drink right? The good thing is she wants to go to AA right? For me that's something.
Sober Recovery is the best place to get help and all the answers. But you need to find real answers inside your head and inside your heart.
You need to concentrate on yourself, your needs and your peace of mind. You really, I mean really need to understand that you can't do anything to help her if she doesn't want help. If she doesn't think she has a problem whatever you do won't make her change the way she thinks. You won't stop her from drinking. She won't do it at the house she will do it somewhere else. You'll spy on her, she'll start hiding.
It's like insane hide and seek game.
Let her go and do her thing, you concentrate on yourself. Try to find the answer what is it YOU really want. Take your thoughts of her, stop watching her 24 hours, try to make yourself busy. This is really difficult I know but you know what? You can do it ;-)
If you tell her you are going to leave her and after that you do nothing she doesn't think you're serious. Don't say something if you don't mean it. Otherwise you're going to lock yourself in a mad circle of doing nothing.
I went to AlAnon it did help me, I will go again. But it's not going to solve all your problems. It will just give you a little peace of mind.
The good thing is that she's trying not to drink right? The good thing is she wants to go to AA right? For me that's something.
Sober Recovery is the best place to get help and all the answers. But you need to find real answers inside your head and inside your heart.
You need to concentrate on yourself, your needs and your peace of mind. You really, I mean really need to understand that you can't do anything to help her if she doesn't want help. If she doesn't think she has a problem whatever you do won't make her change the way she thinks. You won't stop her from drinking. She won't do it at the house she will do it somewhere else. You'll spy on her, she'll start hiding.
It's like insane hide and seek game.
Let her go and do her thing, you concentrate on yourself. Try to find the answer what is it YOU really want. Take your thoughts of her, stop watching her 24 hours, try to make yourself busy. This is really difficult I know but you know what? You can do it ;-)
If you tell her you are going to leave her and after that you do nothing she doesn't think you're serious. Don't say something if you don't mean it. Otherwise you're going to lock yourself in a mad circle of doing nothing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
Stay out of the way.
Do your own thing.
More will be revealed.
This is a long row to hoe!!
A newly sober alcoholic is struggling with many different problems - mostly psychological/spiritual. They can often be helped by other recovered alcoholics, but not by us normies! We've never been alcoholics and tried to quit so we don't have much to offer in that department, and you'll find it is a mine field if you step in thinking you can "help!"
Can you get to some AlAnon meetings? You know about AlAnon right? It is designed to help the ones who love the alcoholic. It really turned my head around. Maybe give it a try!
peace-
b
Do your own thing.
More will be revealed.
This is a long row to hoe!!
A newly sober alcoholic is struggling with many different problems - mostly psychological/spiritual. They can often be helped by other recovered alcoholics, but not by us normies! We've never been alcoholics and tried to quit so we don't have much to offer in that department, and you'll find it is a mine field if you step in thinking you can "help!"
Can you get to some AlAnon meetings? You know about AlAnon right? It is designed to help the ones who love the alcoholic. It really turned my head around. Maybe give it a try!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by anvilhead
5 - remember that is SELF INDUCED suffering ok? there's a vast difference between healing up from a broken leg and healing up from overindulgence with booze.
the first few weeks/months of non-drinking are rough on anybody - so it's not surprising that five days in she's a tad crabby. before jumping to ANY conclusions, why not give it another week or so at least and then reassess? work on detachment......ie give her space which will give YOU some space too!!! being involved with a person who has addiction troubles really takes a toll......we tend to get emeshed and tangled up in THEM so much we lose sight of ourselves. this is a great time for you to start getting back inside your own skin.....
you didn't CAUSE her problems.
you cannot CONTROL her problems
and you cannot CURE her problems.
there's actually great relief in that! allow her to work thru this as she sees fit - time will tell if she's ready to be done and get serious about recovery or not.
be well. take care of you!
the first few weeks/months of non-drinking are rough on anybody - so it's not surprising that five days in she's a tad crabby. before jumping to ANY conclusions, why not give it another week or so at least and then reassess? work on detachment......ie give her space which will give YOU some space too!!! being involved with a person who has addiction troubles really takes a toll......we tend to get emeshed and tangled up in THEM so much we lose sight of ourselves. this is a great time for you to start getting back inside your own skin.....
you didn't CAUSE her problems.
you cannot CONTROL her problems
and you cannot CURE her problems.
there's actually great relief in that! allow her to work thru this as she sees fit - time will tell if she's ready to be done and get serious about recovery or not.
be well. take care of you!
I should have know it was the withdrawal but the previous days before she quit drinking she was nice and seemed fine. I was very surprised... Then yesterday we basicaly sat there in silence except for her smart and nasty comments. It caught me off guard and I did not react the correct way. Now I know...Hopefully its not too late. Hopefully shes not boozing right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
im afraid it will give her an excuse to continue drinking.
Easy Does It 5fingaz!
This is exactly the kind of thinking that poisons the minds of people who love alcoholics.
There is NOTHING (believe it!) you can do to either make her driink or stop her from drinking.
Take yourself out of that equation because you will fill yourself with anxiety and control issues that can become serious unhealthy patterns in all areas of your life! I know - because I used to think like that too.
I had to repeat endlessly:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
until I was blue in the face and believed it!
Once I accepted this, a huge chunk of anxiety left my life. It opened up a big space though----hmmm what was I going to do now, with all this freed-up space in my head?
It was hard to step off the merry-go-round and just stop and look at myself - not myself in relation to the alkie - just me, and what are my goals, my dreams, my problems, my plans?....and what am I doing, even in baby steps, each day to focus on them and not the drama of the alcoholic?
Remember the three C's!!
peace-
b
Easy Does It 5fingaz!
This is exactly the kind of thinking that poisons the minds of people who love alcoholics.
There is NOTHING (believe it!) you can do to either make her driink or stop her from drinking.
Take yourself out of that equation because you will fill yourself with anxiety and control issues that can become serious unhealthy patterns in all areas of your life! I know - because I used to think like that too.
I had to repeat endlessly:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
until I was blue in the face and believed it!
Once I accepted this, a huge chunk of anxiety left my life. It opened up a big space though----hmmm what was I going to do now, with all this freed-up space in my head?
It was hard to step off the merry-go-round and just stop and look at myself - not myself in relation to the alkie - just me, and what are my goals, my dreams, my problems, my plans?....and what am I doing, even in baby steps, each day to focus on them and not the drama of the alcoholic?
Remember the three C's!!
peace-
b
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Originally Posted by 5Fingaz
Well after my AH GF's latest episode she has decided to quit drinking on her own. She has told me she would go to AA and seek help but I have not seen any evidence of this. I told her I would leave if she did not quit and seek help.
Well she has been sober for five days and the first four she was a pleasure to be around, not moody and the person I fell in love with. Last night she was the complete opposite she was very irritable and in a terrible mood. I asked her what was wrong while she was watching TV and she snapped at me and told me to leave her alone. I ask why are you in such a terrible mood there has to be a reason and that I want to be there for her. She basically goes off and tells me it’s from the withdrawal.
Her eyes were blood shot last night as well. Could she have been drinking during the day which would explain her change in behavior?
My question is how do I handle this period? I want her to communicate and tell me what she’s feeling but she won’t. Anyone thats ever been in this situation please chime in...
Well she has been sober for five days and the first four she was a pleasure to be around, not moody and the person I fell in love with. Last night she was the complete opposite she was very irritable and in a terrible mood. I asked her what was wrong while she was watching TV and she snapped at me and told me to leave her alone. I ask why are you in such a terrible mood there has to be a reason and that I want to be there for her. She basically goes off and tells me it’s from the withdrawal.
Her eyes were blood shot last night as well. Could she have been drinking during the day which would explain her change in behavior?
My question is how do I handle this period? I want her to communicate and tell me what she’s feeling but she won’t. Anyone thats ever been in this situation please chime in...
Yes, she could be drinking.. or she could be detoxing/in withdrawal. No way to know since she didn't seek help. Detox usually lasts 3-4 days, post acute withdrawal can last months.
Abstinence does not equal recovery. Not drinking has very little to do with living a sober life.
How do you handle it? Maybe set a boundary you can stick to, or reiterate the boundary you lightly set in place to begin with (remember.. get sober, get help? she didn't get help.. that part..)
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
also remember you can set a boundary for yourself without saying it out loud. go about your life, if she snaps or is in a bad mood, dont do anything, dont talk to her, leave the room, leave the house, or get a good book and read it.... i know how diff that is, and i know how horrible it is to see them when they are this great person (or appear to be one) just to snap and hurt whoever is around the next hour. You just want to shake them and yell "WHO ARE YOU?? HOW CAN YOU MORPH THIS WAY????"
i hope she is serious and its the detox and it all passes soon.... time and her actions will tell
Agatha Christie RULES, btw
i hope she is serious and its the detox and it all passes soon.... time and her actions will tell
Agatha Christie RULES, btw
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I snapped back in a nasty manner and im afraid it will give her an excuse to continue drinking.
I was a pretty 'nasty', 'snappy', angry person for about the first 3 months into 'recovery'. Today they call it PAWS, back then they called it 'normal' for early recovery.
As has been said above, work on you, stand back from her and see what happens. See if she does seek help or is just 'white knuckling' it. When her ACTIONS not her words, have told you what you want to know, then you will have a decision to make.
Until then, maybe go to Al-Anon, continue to post and vent here about how YOU are doing, a we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
I should have know it was the withdrawal but the previous days before she quit drinking she was nice and seemed fine. I was very surprised... Then yesterday we basicaly sat there in silence except for her smart and nasty comments. It caught me off guard and I did not react the correct way. Now I know...Hopefully its not too late. Hopefully shes not boozing right now.
Only time will tell if she is serious about recovery. I think the real question is are you serious when you say you are willing to walk away if she doesn't seek it?
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