GiveLove

I woke up tonight from a horrible dream, one of many in my life. It was the typical garden-variety dream of an adult child of alcoholics: someone else's actions had put me in grave danger, and I was helplessly running, hiding, hearing the ragged breath of someone who meant to hurt me badly from my hiding place...just ticking off the seconds before they found me.

The vulnerable, dangerous positions I had been put in my childhood have been haunting me for my entire life. Living in the inner city and being left alone by drunken parents off partying or drugging or arguing. Alone for days with my mother passed out. Having no one to take my side when I was frightened and lost. Being sexually assaulted when no one was around to protect me (at 8, then more seriously at 10, 13) -- and no one to talk it through with afterwards, to know it wasn't my fault.

I realized as I lay in bed tonight, sweating, heart racing, that this was the reason I stayed so long with my AXs. I saw in them a strong partner and protector who "got" me, who understood my pain and fear, and who therefore would be there to protect me, keep me from this harm.

I chose to believe in that illusion even when overwhelming evidence said otherwise. When they too would abandon me for alcohol, abuse my trust, lie to my face, chip away at my self-esteem to protect their addiction. I needed and wanted the protection of the presence/acceptance of these men so badly that I was willing to not look at the facts, and instead focus my sights only on the fantasy: that in this relationship I had found someone who would keep my nightmares at bay for me.

No great wisdom here, and no swell anecdotes of "and then I got better" and no advice. Just that I'm 47, and this is the first time I really felt, deep in my cells, why I made the choices I did around alcoholic partners. What I do with it will become clearer when the sun's up.

Peace and safety to those of us who stay because of these midnight fears, embedded deep inside us.

bookwyrm

:ghug2

This is progress. I really, really want to step in and protect the child called givelove and find something to say here that will make it all better for you - very codie of me I know. But there isn't anything I can do but hold you in my thoughts and hope that this deep realisation makes a difference for the better to your life.

Thank you for sharing so much on this forum - you have really helped me.

Tarheel

GL,

I've lost my breath reading your post. The tears are burning my eyes and face. You just spoke deeply to my cells. 'Thank you' is not enough to say.

Love,
TH

ICant

Give Love
I never knew such damage had been done to you as a child. You are so recovered now, I would never have guessed your starting point.

vicarious

This post resonated with me. When I realized that the reasons I was staying in AA meetings were not because the meetings were good for me, but rather because I felt obligated and somewhat bullied into it, I loosened up on the guilt attendance and began to feel better. The meetings had become another "shoulding" all over myself, as they say.

I've been to only a couple meetings in the past two years, and it feels fine. I do a lot of online sober support, regularly see a therapist and take care of myself mind-body-spirit. My life is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Taking the leap into exploring my fears and making crucial changes (and giving myself the time and patience to undergo the changes) has opened me up to the world.

AA was an amazing, important force in my life in early sobriety. I am so grateful it was there for me when I didn't know what to do with myself, when I needed to learn how to ask for help and accept it. I went to meetings two to three times a day for my first year and still daily for most of my second year. It helped give me time to uncrumple my thoughts and see myself with clear eyes. It gave me the opportunity to sit in peace for an hour at a time without guilt. These things are priceless and it is wonderful to know they are still there.

But at some point AA began to feel like another crutch, another way to avoid life, and I was ready to move on, bringing the lessons with me.

Astro

GL, reading this helps me in my journey to understand some of my past. Most of my relationships and two marriages before recovery were with partners who'd been abused and had backgrounds in alcoholic families. I was the understanding and accepting protector, the dysfunctional knight in shining armor. Once we were fully enmeshed, the lies, deceipt, manipulation, verbal & mental abuse, and passive-aggressive behavior would emerge, and the cycle would begin again.

There is no "and then I got better" for me either, just a lifetime process of staying sober and living one day at a time in recovery.

Thank you for shedding a little more light on the dark places in my life.

catlovermi

It's a testament to the human spirit that you went through such a crucible and have come out the other side a survivor who values compassion and empathy.

It hurt to read the damage that was done to you, but I'm glad you shared this with us all.

I think what you shared has given us all pause to think about our blessings, and mission.

CLMI

Gypsy Feet

Thank you for sharing *hugs*

gns

Give Love, I am so moved by your post.
I wish I know the little girl you - I would have given you a big hug!

You are such a beautiful soul - I am sorry you suffered as much as you did and so much more than you deserve!!:ghug3

TakingCharge999

GL i did not know that you too suffered from terrible violent acts. Thank you for letting me know recovery is possible. I recall when i was at my codie worst, felt miserable, at my wits end you posted a few words on the note "it hurts me to see you doing this to yourself" and that really struck me and made me cry a lot and you made me feel like someone out there cared about me! You are such a wonderful person. But you know that!

MeHandle

This made me think of what my AH went through with 2 A parents when he was a child. i know he still has dreams. Sadly he has never dealt with it in order to heal/ recover. My father was an alcoholic but my mom divorced him when i was 5.( i always viewed her as having done me a favor, and I still do.) However, my sisters who are 12 and 14 years older then me had to grow up with him. ( their step father.)

My alcohol partner situation is much different then yours, but your story moves my heart of the damage that is done to those who grow up with an AP, especially if both are!!!

One sister is the "always the victim" and is often lonely, miserable and angry. She has never gotten help and there has been no spiritual awakening in her life. And even though she has no addictions she is very hard to be around. The other is an alcoholic/heroin addicted (on and off recovery for years). this sister is easier to be around ( when clean) and has had great periods as a person in recovery and healing by God. Neither sister can i stand to be around when they are together with my mother. My mother and i are fine, but add one of my sisters and I gotta go detach.:-)

Anyway, Givelove, I am so glad you made it through to find healing. I am focusing on healing because as children their is no way to escape this abuse, especially as a child of 2 APs. My sisters say my mom would "go nuts" with my father when they were growing up, so add that in. I know my AH has a responsibility and he is not "special." However, there is a bigger challenge to making it out . I am so proud of you too.

love tammy

ps : I claimed this promise of God for myself, and now i claim it for my children where my Ah is absent: " I Am the Father to the fatherless."

GiveLove

Still afraid to go to sleep tonight, so I'm killing time online...thank you for your kind thoughts about my crazy middle-of-the-night rambling. I didn't expect anybody to give it a second thought, so it was a surprise.

I do love that kid that givelove was (still is, sometimes). I remember her flipping through all the channels on the two-way radio, trying to find someone to talk to. Looking through the World Atlas for hours, tracing the curve of the Aleutian Islands with one small fingertip. Bringing home other peoples' abused dogs and claiming she found them. She was a good, good kid. I know this now.

It would be really easy to hate the people who did that stuff to her, who gave me those horrible dreams. There are still times when I could easily go back in time and whack a lot of people upside the head, and ask them, "What were you thinking? How do you like picking on somebody your own size? C'mon, try it now, tough guy."

Maybe that's why I turned out to be such a great codependent. I couldn't save myself, so I dedicated my life to "saving" (controlling) other people. All the while making sure I was never alone, so I felt some semblance of protection, even from people who were hurting me far more than the vanishing murderers of my nightmares.

All in all, I'm a happy person now, though it took many years to get here. On those days when I just want to say "Why me," I think of my siblings that have already died from their addictions, and the others that are still active in theirs, waiting for that phone call to come some day. And I'm filled with a strange, lonely, confused gratitude that pushes me forward to...whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing here. Still trying to work it all out, even all these years later.

Anyway. Can't postpone it any more, have to sleep, even if it only lasts a little while. Thanks again for your thoughts. You guys mean the world to me - I mean it.