So glad to be here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
So glad to be here!
Just wanted to introduce myself. I stumbled upon this forum a couple of weeks ago and have been slowly absorbing the info here. I know it's been said before but so many of the stories I've read are MY STORY! I have been with AH for 16+ years and have been through hell and back more times than I want to remember. The last 5 years have been the worst as we moved to a new city and he started drinking again after 3 or so years sober. Major disappointment but I always felt like... well, he did it before, he can do it again. Only problem was, he didn't! So, instead of me being excited in a new city (I love where I live), doing things I enjoy and meeting new people, etc. I withdrew from everything and everyone. It has been very recently that I have read some al-anon literature, realizing that what I've gone through and what my life has become are simply manifestations of the alcoholism, nothing to do with my personal character or personality flaws or mental illness (which I was starting to think).
Almost exactly 1 year ago, I left AH and moved in with a girlfriend. I was miserable and wanted so badly for him to 'hit rock bottom' and get his $&%! together! But he didn't. He rarely even called me even though I repeatedly told him I loved him and wanted him to get well for us, for him, for our son (now 14). I was beyond crushed by his lack of seeming to care and when things really started getting out of hand (I found out he was seeing someone else! Funny how we just 'know' these things...) I called him on it and he broke down, saying how devastated he had been that I left and that he needed me and was so ashamed about the other woman, etc, etc. He promised that he would quit drinking, we got a new place together and he was truly sober for 7 months. I was so excited at the prospect of starting over! Meeting some new couple friends (non-drinkers), doing all the things I'd been wanting to do, etc. I was on cloud 9! The problem was he was cranky, irritable, always complaining about 'being bored.' I would suggest literally hundreds of things we could go out and do together but there was always an excuse or why he didn't want to do that. I got bummed out and I guess I just quit trying, our relationship fell back in to the same old patterns and then about a month ago, he went out one night and drank. Since then, he has said he was done drinking about 3 times but has gone out and drank about 10 times. Currently he has been sober about 2 weeks. I know he wants to quit but I am also learning that it's not that simple....
What I am learning from this forum is that RECOVERY is more than just not drinking. I never realized that before and so now I want to work on that for myself (Am planning on starting al-anon) and see if he wants to get counseling. I don't know if we are going to see it through or not (I am deeply in love with this man). But what I see now is that I have to start focusing on me. I have become quite lonely... I literally have very few friends and no one that I can talk to about my 'problems' with. I have avoided going out and meeting people because A) I was so afraid of going out with him and being humiliated and B) I have become so self-critical, I feel like I am an empty shell... why would any one want to be friends with me? (All through my childhood and college years I had TONS of friends and making friends was so easy... now I feel like I will never connect with another human being ever- I can't trust anyone, etc)
So, sorry for the long post, I look forward to talking with all of you and thanks already for the extreme comfort I have found in your posts. It is so wonderful to know that it's not me, that I am not alone in this and that there is a reason (however crazy it is!) that my life has gotten so out of control.
Almost exactly 1 year ago, I left AH and moved in with a girlfriend. I was miserable and wanted so badly for him to 'hit rock bottom' and get his $&%! together! But he didn't. He rarely even called me even though I repeatedly told him I loved him and wanted him to get well for us, for him, for our son (now 14). I was beyond crushed by his lack of seeming to care and when things really started getting out of hand (I found out he was seeing someone else! Funny how we just 'know' these things...) I called him on it and he broke down, saying how devastated he had been that I left and that he needed me and was so ashamed about the other woman, etc, etc. He promised that he would quit drinking, we got a new place together and he was truly sober for 7 months. I was so excited at the prospect of starting over! Meeting some new couple friends (non-drinkers), doing all the things I'd been wanting to do, etc. I was on cloud 9! The problem was he was cranky, irritable, always complaining about 'being bored.' I would suggest literally hundreds of things we could go out and do together but there was always an excuse or why he didn't want to do that. I got bummed out and I guess I just quit trying, our relationship fell back in to the same old patterns and then about a month ago, he went out one night and drank. Since then, he has said he was done drinking about 3 times but has gone out and drank about 10 times. Currently he has been sober about 2 weeks. I know he wants to quit but I am also learning that it's not that simple....
What I am learning from this forum is that RECOVERY is more than just not drinking. I never realized that before and so now I want to work on that for myself (Am planning on starting al-anon) and see if he wants to get counseling. I don't know if we are going to see it through or not (I am deeply in love with this man). But what I see now is that I have to start focusing on me. I have become quite lonely... I literally have very few friends and no one that I can talk to about my 'problems' with. I have avoided going out and meeting people because A) I was so afraid of going out with him and being humiliated and B) I have become so self-critical, I feel like I am an empty shell... why would any one want to be friends with me? (All through my childhood and college years I had TONS of friends and making friends was so easy... now I feel like I will never connect with another human being ever- I can't trust anyone, etc)
So, sorry for the long post, I look forward to talking with all of you and thanks already for the extreme comfort I have found in your posts. It is so wonderful to know that it's not me, that I am not alone in this and that there is a reason (however crazy it is!) that my life has gotten so out of control.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by rae33 
I have become so self-critical, I feel like I am an empty shell... why would any one want to be friends with me?
Hi,
Welcome to the forum. I'm afraid I've no words of wisdom, I'm a newbie here myself. I just wanted to say that I could have written your quote myself. I feel like over the years I have lost the ability to make friends. I have one or two "old" friends who I would now see as "out of my league" if I hadn't been friends with them for so long! I have about 4 reasonably close friends none of them know about my husband's drink problem. I feel too ashamed to confide in them. Most of his drinking is done at home so I feel like it is my shameful secret to cope with alone. And it is very lonely. Though clearly, from reading this forum, we are not alone. I hadn't realised until reading here, how isolating the problem is.
Anyway, like I said, welcome to the forum. There will be people along soon with a lot more support than I can provide.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Welcome!
I too have lost so many friends over the years. I found living with an alcoholic very isolating. I'm starting to come out of my shell a little and reconnecting with old friends. I've told them about the drinking - and it seems they knew all along! It was such a relief to finally get it out in the open. I'm all too familiar with the self critical thinking that was subtly reinforced by my STBXAH while I lived with him. I'm still wrestling with issues of low self esteem.
Seeing a counsellor just for me has helped me immensely - I can't recommend it highly enough.
I too have lost so many friends over the years. I found living with an alcoholic very isolating. I'm starting to come out of my shell a little and reconnecting with old friends. I've told them about the drinking - and it seems they knew all along! It was such a relief to finally get it out in the open. I'm all too familiar with the self critical thinking that was subtly reinforced by my STBXAH while I lived with him. I'm still wrestling with issues of low self esteem.
Seeing a counsellor just for me has helped me immensely - I can't recommend it highly enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
MaryUK,
Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate it! I guess looking back I just can't believe that I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in HIS drama, HIS life, HIS problems, etc that I completely forgot about me! And now, all this time has passed and I don't even know who "I" am anymore. I guess the good thing is that now it's getting clearer and tomorrow is a new day. I just got the book Codependent No More today at the library and am really looking forward to it as everyone recommends it so highly. I always heard that word and thought it meant something COMPLETELY different lol!
Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate it! I guess looking back I just can't believe that I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in HIS drama, HIS life, HIS problems, etc that I completely forgot about me! And now, all this time has passed and I don't even know who "I" am anymore. I guess the good thing is that now it's getting clearer and tomorrow is a new day. I just got the book Codependent No More today at the library and am really looking forward to it as everyone recommends it so highly. I always heard that word and thought it meant something COMPLETELY different lol!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
Thanks to you, too, Bookwyrm!
I want to get a therapist so badly but money is a little tight right now. I hope to be able to squeeze it into the budget in the next month or so. That is why this forum is a good thing! It is REALLY REALLY helping me figure some things out..
Can I ask,,, what is STBXAH? I've got most of these acronyms figured out but that one's got me stumped!
I want to get a therapist so badly but money is a little tight right now. I hope to be able to squeeze it into the budget in the next month or so. That is why this forum is a good thing! It is REALLY REALLY helping me figure some things out..
Can I ask,,, what is STBXAH? I've got most of these acronyms figured out but that one's got me stumped!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Rae and welcome to the SR family!
We're glad you are here!
I too isolated myself in my relationship with my alcoholic. I am now getting in touch with old friends and making new friends. I also attend Al Anon meetings. I have learned at Al Anon it is okay to share my thoughts and feelings. I own them, I can share them and you can respond to them or just listen. It's okay to share.
I divorced my alcoholic. He is now in recovery and working the 12 steps with a sponsor. He didn't get sober because of anything I said. He is doing this for himself. When we seperated, he offered to get sober if I would stay. I told him there was more to sobriety than not drinking. He needed a program to learn new coping skills to handle life on life's terms. I think you can now see the difference yourself between sober and recovering.
My RAXH (recovering alcoholic ex husband) saw that I was working a program (Al Anon) and it was making a difference in my life and how I responded to life. He understood he needed that kind of support if he was going to make it sober.
We support each other as friends in our own recovery programs (from a distance of about 120 miles).
Keep reading and posting as much as you need!
We're glad you are here!
I too isolated myself in my relationship with my alcoholic. I am now getting in touch with old friends and making new friends. I also attend Al Anon meetings. I have learned at Al Anon it is okay to share my thoughts and feelings. I own them, I can share them and you can respond to them or just listen. It's okay to share.
I divorced my alcoholic. He is now in recovery and working the 12 steps with a sponsor. He didn't get sober because of anything I said. He is doing this for himself. When we seperated, he offered to get sober if I would stay. I told him there was more to sobriety than not drinking. He needed a program to learn new coping skills to handle life on life's terms. I think you can now see the difference yourself between sober and recovering.
My RAXH (recovering alcoholic ex husband) saw that I was working a program (Al Anon) and it was making a difference in my life and how I responded to life. He understood he needed that kind of support if he was going to make it sober.
We support each other as friends in our own recovery programs (from a distance of about 120 miles).
Keep reading and posting as much as you need!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
Hi Pelican!
I have considered divorce as well, I get so mixed up but I know I'm tired of living like this! It used to be that when it was good it was great/when it was bad it was terrible... now, when it's good it's OK/ when it's bad it's just devastating...
Part of my withdrawal has been that I haven't held a job in about 3 years and my job history is spotty. I am a smart girl, it's just that all the years of crisis made me not such a great worker even when I had a job. I have had high paying jobs in the past but doing something I would NEVER want to do again. With the economy the way it is, jobs are scarce and the ones that are out there are going to the ones with spotless resumes. I know that sounds like an excuse, but theres is at least some truth in there. I could probably find work but not enough to support myself and son... so I feel stuck... My mom says I should look at it as a job (staying with AH) and prepare myself to move on however long that takes instead of making a statement by moving out and then being screwed! There is probably some truth there as well.. I have always felt that the universe was taking care of me, so I need to tap into that. I really feel like finding this forum and starting al-anon (am going to a beginners meeting on Saturday) is the beginning of a LONG journey of self (re)discovery and healing. I am so tired of living with this pain!!!!! thanx for listening.....
I have considered divorce as well, I get so mixed up but I know I'm tired of living like this! It used to be that when it was good it was great/when it was bad it was terrible... now, when it's good it's OK/ when it's bad it's just devastating...
Part of my withdrawal has been that I haven't held a job in about 3 years and my job history is spotty. I am a smart girl, it's just that all the years of crisis made me not such a great worker even when I had a job. I have had high paying jobs in the past but doing something I would NEVER want to do again. With the economy the way it is, jobs are scarce and the ones that are out there are going to the ones with spotless resumes. I know that sounds like an excuse, but theres is at least some truth in there. I could probably find work but not enough to support myself and son... so I feel stuck... My mom says I should look at it as a job (staying with AH) and prepare myself to move on however long that takes instead of making a statement by moving out and then being screwed! There is probably some truth there as well.. I have always felt that the universe was taking care of me, so I need to tap into that. I really feel like finding this forum and starting al-anon (am going to a beginners meeting on Saturday) is the beginning of a LONG journey of self (re)discovery and healing. I am so tired of living with this pain!!!!! thanx for listening.....
vicariousrising
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 35
Hi!
I'm glad you found this forum too. I just found this place myself. Seems like a helpful site.
It sounds like you are taking some positive steps towards your own recovery. I'm an alcoholic with almost 4 years sober now, and what I can say is that no one can make an alcoholic stop drinking any more than someone else could make you stop caring about your alcoholic by simply telling you that he's not good for you. What it takes is for the person embarking on recovery to realize that he or she has a problem and take responsibility for changing. In other words, for me, I was not going to get sober until I acknowledged I was out of control and in trouble. Then, as I worked on fixing what was wrong with me, the rest of the crazy stuff that seemed to be spinning my life stopped affecting me like it used to. Sure, the world kept spinning like crazy as always, but I had found my own stable ground by working on myself.
The same goes, I think, for those living with the whirling dervish of an active alcoholic. While it would be terrific if life would behave the way we want it to, that is a pretty unrealistic way to approach life. I've found that being able to count on myself makes my life not only bearable, but really amazing in unexpected ways.
It sounds like you are taking some positive steps towards your own recovery. I'm an alcoholic with almost 4 years sober now, and what I can say is that no one can make an alcoholic stop drinking any more than someone else could make you stop caring about your alcoholic by simply telling you that he's not good for you. What it takes is for the person embarking on recovery to realize that he or she has a problem and take responsibility for changing. In other words, for me, I was not going to get sober until I acknowledged I was out of control and in trouble. Then, as I worked on fixing what was wrong with me, the rest of the crazy stuff that seemed to be spinning my life stopped affecting me like it used to. Sure, the world kept spinning like crazy as always, but I had found my own stable ground by working on myself.
The same goes, I think, for those living with the whirling dervish of an active alcoholic. While it would be terrific if life would behave the way we want it to, that is a pretty unrealistic way to approach life. I've found that being able to count on myself makes my life not only bearable, but really amazing in unexpected ways.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
thanks vicarious!
I so want to get to that place! I really feel like I have nothing going on in my life at all... no job, no friends, the hobbies and interests that I once had seem tarnished somehow, like ruined, I don't know why... I am so filled with fear about the simplest things! And then I mask that with my anger and my control issues :wtf2 Anyway, I know that AA teaches one day at a time and that's how I have to approach this. Smiles to everyone!!
I so want to get to that place! I really feel like I have nothing going on in my life at all... no job, no friends, the hobbies and interests that I once had seem tarnished somehow, like ruined, I don't know why... I am so filled with fear about the simplest things! And then I mask that with my anger and my control issues :wtf2 Anyway, I know that AA teaches one day at a time and that's how I have to approach this. Smiles to everyone!!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by rae33
thanks vicarious!
I so want to get to that place! I really feel like I have nothing going on in my life at all... no job, no friends, the hobbies and interests that I once had seem tarnished somehow, like ruined, I don't know why... I am so filled with fear about the simplest things! And then I mask that with my anger and my control issues :wtf2 Anyway, I know that AA teaches one day at a time and that's how I have to approach this. Smiles to everyone!!
I so want to get to that place! I really feel like I have nothing going on in my life at all... no job, no friends, the hobbies and interests that I once had seem tarnished somehow, like ruined, I don't know why... I am so filled with fear about the simplest things! And then I mask that with my anger and my control issues :wtf2 Anyway, I know that AA teaches one day at a time and that's how I have to approach this. Smiles to everyone!!
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I am deeply in love with this man
I have avoided going out and meeting people because A) I was so afraid of going out with him and being humiliated and B) I have become so self-critical, I feel like I am an empty shell.
This is a terrible waste of life. Before and during the first part of our relationship I was a vivacious, funny, outgoing soul - the more his drinking increased the worse I felt about myself and the more I withdrew and isolated myself from the rest of the world.
I'm tired of living like this! It used to be that when it was good it was great/when it was bad it was terrible... now, when it's good it's OK/ when it's bad it's just devastating...
Sounds like you are on the right path - keep reading and posting. Stay strong!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Welcome rae33,
This site is a great place to realize you are not the only one who is living through this, though the stories differ throughout the world, they are also the same stories we all experience.
Also, you mentioned that you haven't been to Al-Anon, which is something that you should rectify and start attending. I find that this site, along with Al-Anon, helps me get through the day to day in having a loved one who is an alcoholic.
This site is a great place to realize you are not the only one who is living through this, though the stories differ throughout the world, they are also the same stories we all experience.
Also, you mentioned that you haven't been to Al-Anon, which is something that you should rectify and start attending. I find that this site, along with Al-Anon, helps me get through the day to day in having a loved one who is an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
Wow, Lovtolaff... your post hit me like a punch in the gut! (but in a good way... ha ha!)
You're right, this is a terrible waste! And I, too, feel like I'm falling apart mentally and physically. My health is in shambles! Digestive problems, overweight, STRESS... funny thing is I have always been interested in health, am vegetarian, eat natural foods, etc. This just makes me feel more crappy because here I am the health nut and I am definitely not healthy!!
I know that if my finances were in order, I would probably already be gone, even though I was miserable when I left before. Funny, before I came back I told him that if he wanted to continue drinking, that he should and I would support that decision, that we would get divorced, I would cry my eyes out for months and months but then I could MOVE ON. He said he was done drinking and wanted our life back and I believed him! So here I am 1 year later and I feel like no progress has been made and I have wasted ANOTHER year of my life! I am 42 and feel like my youth and beauty have all been wasted running on this treadmill... AARRGGHH!
You're right, this is a terrible waste! And I, too, feel like I'm falling apart mentally and physically. My health is in shambles! Digestive problems, overweight, STRESS... funny thing is I have always been interested in health, am vegetarian, eat natural foods, etc. This just makes me feel more crappy because here I am the health nut and I am definitely not healthy!!
I know that if my finances were in order, I would probably already be gone, even though I was miserable when I left before. Funny, before I came back I told him that if he wanted to continue drinking, that he should and I would support that decision, that we would get divorced, I would cry my eyes out for months and months but then I could MOVE ON. He said he was done drinking and wanted our life back and I believed him! So here I am 1 year later and I feel like no progress has been made and I have wasted ANOTHER year of my life! I am 42 and feel like my youth and beauty have all been wasted running on this treadmill... AARRGGHH!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
Hi Dreamstones,
Thank you for the warm welcome. It is so wonderful to be able to 'talk' to others here. I am so grateful!
I am going to attend a beginner's meeting on Saturday morning. I don't know if I really need to do that before I go to a regular meeting, but the control freak in me just feels like I have to go to the beginner's meeting first! I am very excited, though! I also am going to start reading Codpendent No More today...
thanks again, everyone! I am already feeling SOOOO much better! I know there is a long road ahead of me but now at least I feel like I am on the road instead of just looking at it from a distance.
Thank you for the warm welcome. It is so wonderful to be able to 'talk' to others here. I am so grateful!
I am going to attend a beginner's meeting on Saturday morning. I don't know if I really need to do that before I go to a regular meeting, but the control freak in me just feels like I have to go to the beginner's meeting first! I am very excited, though! I also am going to start reading Codpendent No More today...
thanks again, everyone! I am already feeling SOOOO much better! I know there is a long road ahead of me but now at least I feel like I am on the road instead of just looking at it from a distance.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Wow, Lovtolaff... your post hit me like a punch in the gut! (but in a good way... ha ha!)
And I, too, feel like I'm falling apart mentally and physically. My health is in shambles! Digestive problems, overweight, STRESS
So here I am 1 year later and I feel like no progress has been made and I have wasted ANOTHER year of my life! I am 42 and feel like my youth and beauty have all been wasted running on this treadmill... AARRGGHH!
And honey - 42 is the new 32 - didn't you get that memo??? I feel better (mostly mentally/emotionally) at 40 than in my younger years.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
thank you so much for the encouragement! I feel like I want to cry, it's just so good to have someone to talk to about all this and to reassure me that everything's going to be OK if I want it to be and work for it.
Note to self: 42 is the new 32!
Note to self: 42 is the new 32!
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
thank you so much for the encouragement! I feel like I want to cry, it's just so good to have someone to talk to about all this and to reassure me that everything's going to be OK if I want it to be and work for it.
And I truly mean this - it does get better.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thank you all for this thread. Glad to know I am not the only one who forgot her friends and motivation... ugh
I was thinking about loneliness. I thought these months post breakup were the most lonely times. But no. Being next to an active alcoholic not knowing if the next words would be from Jekyll or Hyde IS the most lonely time I ever had. And it sucks when you cannot talk openly about their abuse. Or when you do, its get shrugged off and you are the one "making waves". Its f*cked up!
I am almost 30 and my life is getting so much better, teens and 20s are so problematic, I was a supercodie. I hope next 20 years I am healthier...
I am trying to write back to my old friends, or start calling them... but yeah, regarding new friends, right now I am just not interested... I guess after something traumatic our psyche looks for silence and calm to recover a sense of well being and after its done you are back on being your own self. Well, after this horrible mourning I have a broader sense of how we are wired as humans and how our human spirit and body tend towards healing, its so perfect...if we are talking now about friends, then it may mean we need to seek them out and we are ready to relate to others once again.
Just babbling a lot today huh, I related so much to this thread! Feels good to be on the road alright!! Not totally lost somewhere dark.
we are on the road and with excellent company!
I was thinking about loneliness. I thought these months post breakup were the most lonely times. But no. Being next to an active alcoholic not knowing if the next words would be from Jekyll or Hyde IS the most lonely time I ever had. And it sucks when you cannot talk openly about their abuse. Or when you do, its get shrugged off and you are the one "making waves". Its f*cked up!
I am almost 30 and my life is getting so much better, teens and 20s are so problematic, I was a supercodie. I hope next 20 years I am healthier...
I am trying to write back to my old friends, or start calling them... but yeah, regarding new friends, right now I am just not interested... I guess after something traumatic our psyche looks for silence and calm to recover a sense of well being and after its done you are back on being your own self. Well, after this horrible mourning I have a broader sense of how we are wired as humans and how our human spirit and body tend towards healing, its so perfect...if we are talking now about friends, then it may mean we need to seek them out and we are ready to relate to others once again.
Just babbling a lot today huh, I related so much to this thread! Feels good to be on the road alright!! Not totally lost somewhere dark.
we are on the road and with excellent company!
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