So glad to be here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
I so know what you mean about the loneliest being when you're sitting right next to them and still feeling so alone! Geez, that is truly a deep emptiness when this person who is supposedly your 'soul mate' just makes you feel more alone than when you truly are by yourself. That is so hard to explain, and I don't know if anyone who hasn't gone through this could really understand it.
Also, Still Waters, somehow I missed your earlier post but WOW! That is such an intense way of looking at this (PTSD). When I look at it in those terms, I understand why I feel so 'shell-shocked'. I looked up the definition and here it is:
post-traumatic stress disorder: a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.
that about sums it up! especially for me the part about vivid recall of the experience... I swear, I can just see an object or go to a place and so many BAD memories can come flooding over me. I've tried to control it but I just can't (yet).
I tell ya, I've only been posting here 1 day and I have had some VERY INTENSE insights!! Thanks you all again so much!!!!!!!
Also, Still Waters, somehow I missed your earlier post but WOW! That is such an intense way of looking at this (PTSD). When I look at it in those terms, I understand why I feel so 'shell-shocked'. I looked up the definition and here it is:
post-traumatic stress disorder: a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.
that about sums it up! especially for me the part about vivid recall of the experience... I swear, I can just see an object or go to a place and so many BAD memories can come flooding over me. I've tried to control it but I just can't (yet).
I tell ya, I've only been posting here 1 day and I have had some VERY INTENSE insights!! Thanks you all again so much!!!!!!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This is such a great place of support and wisdom!
Part of my withdrawal has been that I haven't held a job in about 3 years and my job history is spotty
I stayed home for 12 years of the 14 I was married. I was scared that no one would hire me. However, I got a couple local jobs and then moved back into my old career. I am now on a career path that will lead me to my dream job by the time I am 50!
By the way, I turned 45 this month, and I think I am 28 on the inside!
Part of my withdrawal has been that I haven't held a job in about 3 years and my job history is spotty
I stayed home for 12 years of the 14 I was married. I was scared that no one would hire me. However, I got a couple local jobs and then moved back into my old career. I am now on a career path that will lead me to my dream job by the time I am 50!
By the way, I turned 45 this month, and I think I am 28 on the inside!
vicariousrising
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 35
PTSD does sound like a possibility. Also, when you mentioned no hobbies and not wanting to do much, that struck me as some signs of depression. My therapist sometimes teases me that he is going to get me arrested for practicing psychology without a license (it's usually when I am using listening skills with others), but I don't want to try to diagnose anything. I haven't suffered from depression, but I have many markers of PTSD (my official psych diagnosis is anxiety, lol. It's as good as any, really. I was filled with FEAR).
I find myself overwhelmed with too many hobbies, I think, but I also strongly believe these activities have been critical in my recovery, as much as AA meetings and going to my GP to make sure all my blood tests come out alright now that my liver isn't about to go kaput. I think it is very, very difficult for a newly recovering person to get involved in activities because they can feel guilty for being self-indulgent and frivolous. But we need to do fun things for ourselves, even if only for a little while, to recharge ourselves for all the rest of life. Also, it always helps me when I remember there is a huge diference between self-centered and self-interested. Self-interested is not a bad thing at all -- it is a way of loving and honoring yourself.
The trouble is, in early recovery, I felt like a worthless jerk, so I needed support around me to tell me it was ok to relax and be good to myself in little ways, to read a book or take a class or see a movie or maybe just take a nap.
Your health issues sound like they should be cared for. It took me a good two years for my system to stop acting wonky. It was partly feeding myself right, part getting enough rest and part learning how to let the past and my fears go where they wouldn't keep gnawing away at my insides.
Your more recent posts already sound more optimistic -- I think that the interaction with people who "get it" has done you some good.
I find myself overwhelmed with too many hobbies, I think, but I also strongly believe these activities have been critical in my recovery, as much as AA meetings and going to my GP to make sure all my blood tests come out alright now that my liver isn't about to go kaput. I think it is very, very difficult for a newly recovering person to get involved in activities because they can feel guilty for being self-indulgent and frivolous. But we need to do fun things for ourselves, even if only for a little while, to recharge ourselves for all the rest of life. Also, it always helps me when I remember there is a huge diference between self-centered and self-interested. Self-interested is not a bad thing at all -- it is a way of loving and honoring yourself.
The trouble is, in early recovery, I felt like a worthless jerk, so I needed support around me to tell me it was ok to relax and be good to myself in little ways, to read a book or take a class or see a movie or maybe just take a nap.
Your health issues sound like they should be cared for. It took me a good two years for my system to stop acting wonky. It was partly feeding myself right, part getting enough rest and part learning how to let the past and my fears go where they wouldn't keep gnawing away at my insides.
Your more recent posts already sound more optimistic -- I think that the interaction with people who "get it" has done you some good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
You guys are all so awesome! 
Here is my short-term plan:
1.) keep visiting this forum and read Codependent No More
2.) go to my first al-anon meeting on Saturday and keep going. Iunderstand that sometimes you have to go to a few different meetings before you find one that 'clicks'
3.) make a list (I admit it, I'm a list-maker) of all the things I used to enjoy as well as things I am interested in trying. Find some classes or some groups that involve those things and GO OUT and do one or more of them
4.) Start thinking about and/or looking for a therapist, which I can probably swing in about a month. (make it happen)
5.) Go get my hair cut and colored this week (always makes me feel good)
That should keep me busy and focused more on me for a little while, I think!
Here is my short-term plan:
1.) keep visiting this forum and read Codependent No More
2.) go to my first al-anon meeting on Saturday and keep going. Iunderstand that sometimes you have to go to a few different meetings before you find one that 'clicks'
3.) make a list (I admit it, I'm a list-maker) of all the things I used to enjoy as well as things I am interested in trying. Find some classes or some groups that involve those things and GO OUT and do one or more of them
4.) Start thinking about and/or looking for a therapist, which I can probably swing in about a month. (make it happen)
5.) Go get my hair cut and colored this week (always makes me feel good)
That should keep me busy and focused more on me for a little while, I think!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hope you dont mind me preparing my own list.
1 ask a friend for my codie no more book.
2 call or send an email to ONE DIFFERENT FRIEND each day. no excuse. even if its just "Hi. I miss you. What are you up to?" SEND
3 put the language of letting go (another one from melody beattie) on my desk and read the passage relevant to each day before going to work
4 wake up 10min earlier for easy, gentle yoga and spend 10min before sleep doing yoga on my bed.
5 take out my cat for a walk even if its just a quick stroll round the block.
6 put ex and myself in the hands of god and ask for help to achieve forgiveness and ability to let go. because i cant let go by myself, i need divine help (or an exorcist!)
1 ask a friend for my codie no more book.
2 call or send an email to ONE DIFFERENT FRIEND each day. no excuse. even if its just "Hi. I miss you. What are you up to?" SEND
3 put the language of letting go (another one from melody beattie) on my desk and read the passage relevant to each day before going to work
4 wake up 10min earlier for easy, gentle yoga and spend 10min before sleep doing yoga on my bed.
5 take out my cat for a walk even if its just a quick stroll round the block.
6 put ex and myself in the hands of god and ask for help to achieve forgiveness and ability to let go. because i cant let go by myself, i need divine help (or an exorcist!)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wadsworth, OH
Posts: 7
Hi, Rea-I am new here, also. It was a blessing to find this place and I get such comfort-you are not alone. My suggestion (helps me tremendously) is to go to alanon-even try an online meeting maybe????? The feeling that you have that u are an empty shell and no one would want to be friends w/ you will go away, because u will be in a place where people will understand exactly what u are going thru-and they truly care! Plus, it is cheaper than counseling or therapy! Put a dollar in the basket and grab a cup of coffee!! Counseling is great and has helped me a lot in the past, but was an expense I had to give up-so, if you can't afford therapy right now, alanon is a good start! ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
I believe I am suffering from PTSD. My AH has been sober since January this year, life is stable, sometimes happy and I have had a crying episode, every single day of his sobriety. But the crazy thing is that during most of his active addiction, I never cried. I had my act together. I kept the house clean, looked after the kids, did a great job at work. Only when it got really ugly (he was binge drinking every day over a period of months) did I find that I was no longer coping.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I believe I am suffering from PTSD.
I suppose it's going to take longer than I thought to get "over" everything.
Peace to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
I remember going to my first Al-Anon meeting with my Mom, shortly after having first intervention with AS about 12 years ago (her very kind boss suggested it after finding her passed out at desk multiple times with vodka in water bottle). We were both scared as hell, but everyone made us feel so welcome (just like here) and we came to realize that everyone in that room was dealing with same problem.
You mentioned the control freak thing, probably the biggest obstacle to get over when dealing with an alcoholic. You learn in Al-Anon these basic principals: YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT, YOU CAN'T CURE IT!!!
You mentioned the control freak thing, probably the biggest obstacle to get over when dealing with an alcoholic. You learn in Al-Anon these basic principals: YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT, YOU CAN'T CURE IT!!!
vicariousrising
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 35
Great list!
I just started reading Mellody Beatty's Codie books myself. They'd been sitting on my bookshelf for a few years unread until I picked them up last week. I never quite identified with the usual codependent checklist, but when I read her descriptions, it sounded exactly like me.
I love your idea to get your hair done. That's a fun, quick change and a way to be nice to yourself.
I just started reading Mellody Beatty's Codie books myself. They'd been sitting on my bookshelf for a few years unread until I picked them up last week. I never quite identified with the usual codependent checklist, but when I read her descriptions, it sounded exactly like me.
I love your idea to get your hair done. That's a fun, quick change and a way to be nice to yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Beautiful Oregon
Posts: 36
good morning all!
Michelled, thanks for the tip about the online meetings, I didn't know they existed! I am already feeling SO much better just after hearing other's thoughts and encouragement here, I feel like that unbearable weight has already been lifted somewhat, I can only go up from here!
want2help, that is so sweet! I only wish I were there! Would love love love to visit australia someday.
Icant, I bet the reason it's all coming out now is that before when AH was drinking, you HAD to stay on top of everything because you had to be ready to face whatever turmoil was possibly coming your way. Now that the drama has subsided you actually have the time and the freedom to let it all out. Also, perhaps if you're like me, maybe now that he's sober, things aren't as perfect as you thought they were going to be. If you read the original post on this thread, I thought that no drinking = perfect life (duh). Boy what a disappointment to find out that the quitting drinking is only the tip of the iceberg. Hang in there, I firmly believe that if you feel like crying, then you should cry. You have a lot to cry about and be sad about but try also to find at least one or two good things to try to focus on, too. Just the fact that we are all gaining knowledge and support here is a WONDERFUL thing! We will make it!!!
lovtolaff, I agree with your friend! I have always heard that every cell in the body has completely regenerated after 7 years, so, by eating healthy foods and thinking healthy thoughts we can have completely new and healthy cells and bodies in 7 years time... something to think about!
dreamstones, thanks for sharing that. I am so looking forward to meeting people who I can relate to and who can relate to me. I always wondered why I was acting the way I have been and it's starting to make sense now.
and vicarious, I just started reading last night, didn't get too far but I can already tell this is gonna be a big help. I find myself wanting to 'make' AH read at least the intro so he can see why I've been the way I've been (and also, I have to admit there's a bit of "look what you did to me!") --- which is I'm assuming what the book is going to help me not do!
Michelled, thanks for the tip about the online meetings, I didn't know they existed! I am already feeling SO much better just after hearing other's thoughts and encouragement here, I feel like that unbearable weight has already been lifted somewhat, I can only go up from here!
want2help, that is so sweet! I only wish I were there! Would love love love to visit australia someday.
Icant, I bet the reason it's all coming out now is that before when AH was drinking, you HAD to stay on top of everything because you had to be ready to face whatever turmoil was possibly coming your way. Now that the drama has subsided you actually have the time and the freedom to let it all out. Also, perhaps if you're like me, maybe now that he's sober, things aren't as perfect as you thought they were going to be. If you read the original post on this thread, I thought that no drinking = perfect life (duh). Boy what a disappointment to find out that the quitting drinking is only the tip of the iceberg. Hang in there, I firmly believe that if you feel like crying, then you should cry. You have a lot to cry about and be sad about but try also to find at least one or two good things to try to focus on, too. Just the fact that we are all gaining knowledge and support here is a WONDERFUL thing! We will make it!!!
lovtolaff, I agree with your friend! I have always heard that every cell in the body has completely regenerated after 7 years, so, by eating healthy foods and thinking healthy thoughts we can have completely new and healthy cells and bodies in 7 years time... something to think about!
dreamstones, thanks for sharing that. I am so looking forward to meeting people who I can relate to and who can relate to me. I always wondered why I was acting the way I have been and it's starting to make sense now.
and vicarious, I just started reading last night, didn't get too far but I can already tell this is gonna be a big help. I find myself wanting to 'make' AH read at least the intro so he can see why I've been the way I've been (and also, I have to admit there's a bit of "look what you did to me!") --- which is I'm assuming what the book is going to help me not do!
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