Lotus2009

Hi all,

It's just one of these nights where I can't tell my mind to stop thinking...
I have had an emotionally draining week and just don't know anymore!

I know I need to focus on myself, need to learn to let go, stop trying to control what I can not control... but that's easier said than done!

My AH and I had a VERY bad day a week ago (some violent behavior from his side after a long binge and me completely breaking down and throwing anything I could get my hands on). Two days after we had a talk (or should I say I had a monologue with him listening) I told him that what happened is unacceptable (he agreed) and that if he doesn't get into treatment now I would have to distance myself from him (i.e. will not be driving him to work or anywhere else - he's got a DUI, and will try to emotionally detach myself (no physical affection, etc.). Hmmm ... somewhat of a threat I guess
Anyways, he agreed to go to an outpatient treatment center and has been pretty good about not drinking (or not drinking more than one beer) until tonight. We went to a treatment center today to get some info and found out that they are way too expensive without health insurance (so we decided that we would check out a different one tomorrow that might be more affordable b/c of a sliding scale). Shortly after we got back, my AH informed me that his drinking buddy would be coming over tonight and that they would go to the bar. They ended up getting beer and liquor and drank here (needless to say I was about to explode, but kept quiet and went into the bedroom, after giving my AH "the look").

Sorry, if I'm rambling on... still very upset and I guess I needed to vent. My actual question was... if he does not get into treatment and I refuse to do anything for him (i.e. driving, cleaning, sex, etc.) am I not just punishing him (thus trying to control him)? But I feel if I keep doing what I've been doing for him, I'm pretty much showing him that there are no consequences to his actions (thus I'm the doormat and full of empty threats).

I am planning on trying out another Al-Anon Group this week (the last one I went to I didn't really like much)... but I would love to get some feedback on this! I'm just completely confused right now (if you can't tell from my thread and don't know what to feel or think anymore

Crazy4Him

I think you should set whatever boundaries you feel you need to maintain your sanity. Don't set them for him, only for yourself.

Who's idea was it to go to the outpatient treatment center? Who looked up the information? Who mapquested it so you would know where it was? My guess is all you right? I've done the same things.

If he was truly ready to stop drinking, you would not have had to do any of that. He would have been ten steps ahead of you. He is not ready to stop so there is absolutely nothing, good or bad, that you can do to stop him. But I'm sure you know that by now.

Set boundaries for you and your own well being. Don't worry about how it's going to affect him or how he's going to respond. As far as I'm concerned he decided to go out and get trashed with his friend knowing full well it hurts you and therefor loses the right to have his feelings considered in any way. He certainly isn't considering yours. That may be cold but after a mere seven months with one I have zero tolerance for active alkies and their ways.

Do what you need to do for you just make sure you mean it. Mean what you say and mean what you do. I'm sorry this is happening.

Seeking Wisdom

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I spend decades at the Alcoholic Amusement Park riding on the never ending highs and lows of the roller coaster ride to Space Mountain - up and down, over and over and over again ... including frequent visits to the House of Horrors. I just wish I had the knowledge years ago that I have now... and maybe it would have been easier to step outside into the real world and leave the insanity behind.

For years, I kept thinking and hoping that my AH would finally realize the pain and turmoil his drinking was creating in our family. What I didn't realize for so many, many years ... was how powerful addiction is ... and that any reasonable, rational decisions regarding inappropriate use of alcohol would be nearly impossible and a waste of time. It was both shocking and enlightening to finally learn everyone and everything comes in second to an active alcoholic's love of alcohol. I learned it wasn't personal ... just a part of this horrific addiction to alcohol.

For me, understanding the unique problems and behaviors associated with alcoholism was life changing ... I never realized all the crazy stuff I had been living with was classic to this addiction, and not just some personality quirks that could be reasoned away or talked out. It was not just a bad habit that could be overcome. I literally spent thousands of hours over the years explaining to my AH why his behavior was inappropriate and unacceptable, he then would promise to change....and of course it would never last. Broken promises, denial, anger, blame, chaos and lies are all part of this tragic ride .... what I didn't realize these were all classic to addiction ... which was far too powerful for me to alter or change - I just had to make sure not to enable its progression throughout my family.

In time I realized the only solution was for us to live apart as the insanity was destroying all of our lives, including our childrens. I simply told my AH all he had to do was stop drinking for good and make a life long heartfelt change in order to come back home. He finally did make a serious attempt to change his life ... and for him it was a sincere commitment to go to AA. Only he could make the decision to make a permanent change. I found out after too many years just how powerless I was ... I finally realized I had to step aside to protect myself and our children .... and attempt to restore peace and sanity into our lives.

Pelican

There is a wealth of information in the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Here is a link about setting boundaries:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

Your decision to not drive him anymore, not clean up after him anymore, etc... is not about control. It is about setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself physically and emotionally from abuse. Your needs are not being considered and you are simply taking care of yourself. Good on you.

However, your alcoholic is going to say you are trying to control him. He will make accusations, manipulate, blame, lay guilt, lie and rebel, all in an effort to get things back to "normal". Normal being he does as he pleases, appologizes and behaves for a few days, does and he pleases, appologizes and behaves a few more days, etc......

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I was told at Al Anon to try 6 meetings before I decide if it is for me or not. It's for me!

beginner

To be honest, it sounds to me like you are trying to take control of his recovery. Firstly, by taking him along to a treatment centre instead of allowing him to take responsibility for his recovery and taking HIMSELF to a treatment centre and finding the right one to suit him. He is an adult and doesn't need you to hold his hand. He has got the problem with drinking, therefore he is the one that needs to own it and take responsibility for it - not you.

I see that you are trying to set boundaries "if he doesn't get help" because of the violence that happened. The principle of that is good - but the way in which you are doing it seems like a punishment.

I have set a boundary that I have a trial of living together for two weeks with my husband around the time of my baby's birth IF he gets help between now and when the baby is due to be born. In the meantime, we live separately. Not because I am punishing him, but because I have had to set boundaries that ensure my safety and wellbeing. Last time he lost his temper at me, he hurt me physically and I decided then and there that it was not safe for me or my unborn baby to live with him.

Check your motives for setting a boundary with your partner: is it to punish him and control his behaviour, or is it because the alternative would compromise your safety or wellbeing?

People use the word "detachment" a lot. My understanding of detachment is the following: detachment from anxiety/worry (about the alcoholic/what the alcoholic is or is not doing - whether they're getting help or not etc.), detachment from caretaking or enabling (allowing the alcoholic to experience his own consequences and take responsibility for his behaviour and his recovery), detachment from judgmentalism (stopping the nagging, cajoling, begging, criticising, provoking, pointing the finger, blaming the alcoholic and instead concentrating on our own issues).

It sounds to me that you are more interested in getting help/treatment for your alcoholic than he is. He seems more interested in continuing to drink - that's where he's at right now. With that being the case, are you willing to put yourself at risk - because it is widely understood that once violence starts in a relationship, it only progressively gets worse. Apart from putting yourself in physical danger, the psychological affect is enormous, and women find very quickly that the bad relationship deteriorates into a nightmare but they feel unable to leave. Is that what you want for yourself?

Your post has focused on the alcoholic's treatment and your boundaries after the terrible night that you had. And I have replied to those two things. But what I really think you need to be considering at this time is the whole issue of the violence. Major warning bells. Please take steps to ensure you are safe and protected. I would not stay in a relationship that was violent, and I would not advise anyone else does.

michelled

Your post sounded like me!! I don't have the answers, but I do know that threats mean nothing to them, and you need to keep going to alanon and find a meeting that is a good fit for you. I have been an emotional wreck trying to figure out why my AH turned sooooo cold all of a sudden and if there is another woman?? He is gone all the time and stayed out all night , saying he couldn't tell me where he was (like he is a secret agent or something lol!) I am trying to do the things that make me happy and take care of me and do what I have learned in alanon, mainly to detach. Sooo hard, but it works if you work it! Take care of you!!

Lotus2009

Thank you all soo much for putting this into perspective for me I've felt much better after reading your responses!

You were right, treatment was mainly my idea and I just dragged him along. Needless to say we did not go to the other treatment center today! I pretty much left it up to him today. I didn't nag or beg him to go... simply asked him what his plans were for the rest of the day and told him when he asked why I was asking, that I was wondering if he still wanted to go to the treatment center (no answer and I didn't ask further questions).

Thanks for pointing out that I need to check my motives when setting boundaries. I know the detachement part of my boundary is definetely for myself - my sanity (it is soo exhausting to constantly go from high to low). I think the driving part of it was initially more of a punishment, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like this will help me in feeling less like an enabler and caretaker/ chauffeur.

I know I need to focus more on myself... I've been VERY depressed lately and feel soo lonely (all my fam is overseas and when depressed I tend to stay home not contacting the few friends I do have). Time to dig myself out of the hole I created (wish me strength)!

I do have another question: I saw an Al-Anon meeting for young people ... what does that mean age-wise? I'm in my mid to late twenties and would like to have more people my age in meetings. Could that be the meeting for me?

Thanks again for your responses... I'm so grateful for this forum!

TakingCharge999

Hi Lotus!! glad you are ceasing to fight a battle you or anyone else will NEVER EVER WIN but the alcoholic.

The powerlessness of it all is shocking but its also a huge release. There is NOTHING you can say, do, that will cause him to drink or not to drink.

You are not in the equation. Please protect yourself. You deserve peace and joy.

ABjC

Pelican is so right. The alcoholic will say this. I know first hand, as many of us do. "You Keep trying to control me"....I have heard it more than "sorry". I am still feeling the effects of these stinging words, when all I was doing was caring about, not caring for....I have not hit the feeling yet of understanding that I have no control...yet...it's to hard still. I love my partner, wish she made different choices...sigh....

Pelican

Hi Lotus,
Hi ACjC,

Just checking in with you both. I hope you are finding peace with your decisions. Have you been able to attend any Al Anon meetings since your last post?

We are here to support you. We care about you:ghug2

Lotus2009

Thanks for checking in, Pelican Didn't expect that!

I am doing much better (less depressed and starting to feel like myself again)! I'm sticking to what I said... haven't driven him (even on days when there was no bus - He did get somewhat angry with me for that, but I calmly reminded him that it is his life, his responsibilities and his decisions and that I told him beforehand what my detachment would look like), have not said anything about his drinking (other than if he could please put his bottles in the trash, because our landlord came over - not commenting on his drinking is still somewhat of a challenge for me, especially since he's been on a 8 or 9 days binge - only time he isn't drinking is when he is working), replaced our dishes with plastic dishes (bad for the environment and somewhat costly, but it keeps me sane - I would get soo mad at him for not doing dishes when it was his turn and ended up having to do them myself a lot, because I would get fed up with the smell), haven't nagged or criticized him, and have gotten lots of things done for myself (signing up for school, looking for volunteer work, meeting up with friends that I hadn't seen in weeks, etc.).


I did have my share of bad times though, where I miss him (sober him) soo much. But I usually go to the AlAnon Chatrooms when that happens, which helps me a lot. Still haven't gone to a f2f meeting - hoping I will make it to one on friday, but I've gone to the AlAnon Chatrooms at least every other day (if not more).

AH has been pretty sad - he actually cried yesterday and told me he misses me, wants me to cuddle with him, wants to make love to me, and talked and talked and talked (we haven't really been talking much, because he's been drinking soo much lately). I told him again that I know I can't change how he lives his life, but that his drinking and behavior does hurt me and that I need to detach from him in order to be happy (one simple reminder and that was it). And then I just listened to what he had to say without commenting much. Oh yeah, and somewhere in there he said: "I know what you're trying to do..." (as in: I know your playing mind games trying to get me to quit) - I did have to comment on that and just let him know that "I'm not trying to do anything, just trying to live and make myself happy".

Wow, didn't intend to write this much... but that's my update

Pelican

It sounds like you are really making progress! Good on you!