i think i need to prepare myself for the inevitable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 50
i think i need to prepare myself for the inevitable
i posted maybe 2 weeks ago regarding my 41 year old alcoholic son. i followed the advice i got for my then current problem - i told my son he had to leave our home. he did leave. he had just gotten a job and i was sure that would be gone in a day or two. well exactly 6 days after he was asked to leave our home i got a call from him - he was in the local hospital. seems he was taken by ambulance from the "apartment" he was living at. probably had been drinking steadily for days. he said he woke up and had the worst headache - took a shower - headache didn't go away - was so hot and couldn't see that well. he said he called an ambulance and they came and took him where he stayed for 2-3 days. they took all kinds of tests and had him hooked up to an iv for fluids, etc. in all honesty, up until his phone call, i was so at peace - he was gone and i had really not been thinking about the latest ordeal anymore. well low and behold he calls telling me he's in the hospital and would i come and see him. now my son was always one who was deathly afraid of doctors and hospitals. i went to see him and i guess, ONCE AGAIN, i thought that JUST MAYBE this may have scared the crap out of him. we visited for maybe an hour and talked quite a bit. once again he convinced me to let him come to our home for 3-4 days until he could get into a rehab program. told me he had called our pastor and pastor came to the hospital and they talked for a long while. this was on friday - he was to be released from the hospital yesterday (saturday) a.m. his children are moving out of the state and we had them over the weekend. things are so confusing for them regarding their "on and off again dad" that i thought it best for him NOT to be here when they were so i told him to come today but not until 12:30. he said he had to go back to the "apartment" and get his car but could i give him money for gas. the car had been ours and we "sold" it to him months ago when things were really good - SOLD....haven't been paid yet!!!!! best part was the day we asked him to leave our home - last sunday - on monday he called from the auto pawn to ask something - so i knew he pawned the car. anyway, in the hospital he said he would give the car back to us - he has 2 unemployment checks to cash yet and that should be enough to get the car out of the pawn shop (i guess). well, he was to be here at 12:30 - it's 3:00 and he still is NOT here. i guess once again i fell for his line. my guess is the $10 i gave him for gas probably went towards beer and the rest is history. as scared as he seemed in the hospital, i really thought this might have awakened him - for awhile anyway. however, if he couldn't even stay sober for 1 day until he came here and follow thru with his "plan", he is worse off than i could have ever imagined i think.
i really think i need to prepare myself for the fact that he may very soon die from this horrible illness. perhaps that will be his only "peace". even sader, maybe it will also be mine. this has been a retched 15 years with him. he has nothing, not even his kids care about him any more. perhaps they care, but they sure don't feel love when he's here one day and gone the next. he can't be counted on for anything. he can't keep a job - the only time he seems to be able to stay sober for any period of time is when he's in a rehab center. i don't think he even goes there to get help anymore - just for a place to be safe - i honestly don't know.
it's such a waste of a life. i so fear for his son. they say this disease is heriditary - well his dad is an alcoholic and his mother's father is an alcoholic. the strikes are against him before he grows up. i hope he NEVER puts a drop of alcohol in his mouth!!!!!
i guess i just wanted to "vent". i'm angry, worried, and sad at the same time. i haven't had peace in my life in a long time either. horrible how this affects so many people, other than the alcoholic him/herself.
i really don't know what to expect from this latest episode. i'm sure it's nothing good because since he had absolutely no place to go since his release from the hospital yesterday, there is absolutely NO reason he is not here yet, except that he is NOT coming. that can only mean one thing.
please pray for my son. i really worry that he does not have much time left.
lucy:praying
i really think i need to prepare myself for the fact that he may very soon die from this horrible illness. perhaps that will be his only "peace". even sader, maybe it will also be mine. this has been a retched 15 years with him. he has nothing, not even his kids care about him any more. perhaps they care, but they sure don't feel love when he's here one day and gone the next. he can't be counted on for anything. he can't keep a job - the only time he seems to be able to stay sober for any period of time is when he's in a rehab center. i don't think he even goes there to get help anymore - just for a place to be safe - i honestly don't know.
it's such a waste of a life. i so fear for his son. they say this disease is heriditary - well his dad is an alcoholic and his mother's father is an alcoholic. the strikes are against him before he grows up. i hope he NEVER puts a drop of alcohol in his mouth!!!!!
i guess i just wanted to "vent". i'm angry, worried, and sad at the same time. i haven't had peace in my life in a long time either. horrible how this affects so many people, other than the alcoholic him/herself.
i really don't know what to expect from this latest episode. i'm sure it's nothing good because since he had absolutely no place to go since his release from the hospital yesterday, there is absolutely NO reason he is not here yet, except that he is NOT coming. that can only mean one thing.
please pray for my son. i really worry that he does not have much time left.
lucy:praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hi lucy-- glad you came here!! What a load of anxiety you are shouldering.
Right now you don;t know where he is but it is good you are steeling yourself for the worst. He really has a long way to go until he can be healthy and trusted again!
Have you been able to try any AlAnon meetings? That was the first step for me in learning how to deal with my brothers (3) alcoholism. Nothing can erase the sadness and devastation of knowing someone is throwing their life in the toilet with alcohol or drugs...but AlAnon really helped me manage those feelings of anger, grief, anxiety, frustration etc in relation to my bros. It helped me accept that, yes, they might die from this disease, they might die today, but that their whole destiny was just beyond me, I cannot aontrol it, I can only accept it and do my best not to enable their killer disease.
(((((hugs))))) and sending out a prayer for you and your son - that you may both find some peace of mind today.
:praying
peace,
b
Right now you don;t know where he is but it is good you are steeling yourself for the worst. He really has a long way to go until he can be healthy and trusted again!
Have you been able to try any AlAnon meetings? That was the first step for me in learning how to deal with my brothers (3) alcoholism. Nothing can erase the sadness and devastation of knowing someone is throwing their life in the toilet with alcohol or drugs...but AlAnon really helped me manage those feelings of anger, grief, anxiety, frustration etc in relation to my bros. It helped me accept that, yes, they might die from this disease, they might die today, but that their whole destiny was just beyond me, I cannot aontrol it, I can only accept it and do my best not to enable their killer disease.
(((((hugs))))) and sending out a prayer for you and your son - that you may both find some peace of mind today.
:praying
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 50
and the story goes on
well, like i said in my original post - if i haven't heard from him i'm sure i know what happened. i was right.
we got a phone call around 5'ish from the local police department. seems he was drunk out of his mind, drove to a church parking lot, some of the parishoners went to him, took his car keys and called 911 and the police came. the police called us and we had the choice of either coming for him or sending him to jail. well i don't know if we took the right choice but we went for him. the policeman gave us a number to call for an emergency detox admittance but of course the phone number is still busy!!!!! (big help in an emergency). my husband found another number and we are hoping that in the a.m. there will be a bed for him some place. they had to talk to him, personally, on the phone. he cried and said, please help me, i need help so bad.
please pray that there is a bed for him in the morning, or very soon thereafter. we are at our witts end and are not equipped to deal with this much longer. it's heartbreaking to see a grown man act this way. he's my son - i love him - however, i can't do anything for him anymore but pray. hopefully someone else can help him and then one day he can help himself.
lucy:praying
we got a phone call around 5'ish from the local police department. seems he was drunk out of his mind, drove to a church parking lot, some of the parishoners went to him, took his car keys and called 911 and the police came. the police called us and we had the choice of either coming for him or sending him to jail. well i don't know if we took the right choice but we went for him. the policeman gave us a number to call for an emergency detox admittance but of course the phone number is still busy!!!!! (big help in an emergency). my husband found another number and we are hoping that in the a.m. there will be a bed for him some place. they had to talk to him, personally, on the phone. he cried and said, please help me, i need help so bad.
please pray that there is a bed for him in the morning, or very soon thereafter. we are at our witts end and are not equipped to deal with this much longer. it's heartbreaking to see a grown man act this way. he's my son - i love him - however, i can't do anything for him anymore but pray. hopefully someone else can help him and then one day he can help himself.
lucy:praying
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Lucy,
I am so sorry for your pain as I have felt it too.
My ex husband would drink to excess go to the hospital or rehab only to come out and drink again. He is now in jail for the 3rd time in 2 years.
I too believe he will only find peace in his death.It is so very sad as he did have alot to offer the world before this disease stole his life. God Bless you and your family,It is so hard.
I am so sorry for your pain as I have felt it too.
My ex husband would drink to excess go to the hospital or rehab only to come out and drink again. He is now in jail for the 3rd time in 2 years.
I too believe he will only find peace in his death.It is so very sad as he did have alot to offer the world before this disease stole his life. God Bless you and your family,It is so hard.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Lucy, I really feel for you. Especially as a mother, it must be heartbreaking to watch your child who you've had high hopes for all his life, destroy his life in such a terrifying and dangerous way. And I feel for your son, who just seems to have a life that is full of pain and misery.
I do pray for you both that there will be a breakthru, and a turning point. I sort of wonder how much worse life could possibly be for your son...
One thing I would say (though you did not ask for advice or suggestions) is that the more that you enable him (or cushion the blows) the more you will prolong this awful life that he is choosing for himself. By letting go and allowing him to experience the consequences of his choices, there is the possibility he might reach out and get the help he needs.
I think it's great that you had him move out of your home in order to gain peace in your life. It's bitter-sweet because as a mother you feel it is your role to be his Caretaker. But at 41 years of age, it is not actually helpful for him (therefore not loving towards him in the sense that in the long-run it is not in his best interest --> sometimes love is tough). Giving him money, bailing him out of jail, giving him a car for free (knowing he probably won't pay you back and will pawn it to get money for alcohol), picking up the pieces, rushing in to help organize his recovery - none of this helps him. Nothing wrong with visiting him so he knows that you still love him - still care, but he needs to learn to take care of himself, to get help, to reach out for help from treatment centres/rehab.
When he "bottoms out" he needs to experience the full weight of the experience - because it's often after this that there is a small window of chance that they just might get help this time. But if you come in and cushion the experience even a little bit - things just don't seem as bad for him and he knows that you are there to pick up the pieces so that he doesn't have to worry...
I hope you have support from a group like Al-Anon who help you to experience peace no matter what is happening with the alcoholic. I hope you don't feel guilty about feeling peace during your son's three day binge - that is his choice, and you deserve to have some peace in your life.
All the best.
I do pray for you both that there will be a breakthru, and a turning point. I sort of wonder how much worse life could possibly be for your son...
One thing I would say (though you did not ask for advice or suggestions) is that the more that you enable him (or cushion the blows) the more you will prolong this awful life that he is choosing for himself. By letting go and allowing him to experience the consequences of his choices, there is the possibility he might reach out and get the help he needs.
I think it's great that you had him move out of your home in order to gain peace in your life. It's bitter-sweet because as a mother you feel it is your role to be his Caretaker. But at 41 years of age, it is not actually helpful for him (therefore not loving towards him in the sense that in the long-run it is not in his best interest --> sometimes love is tough). Giving him money, bailing him out of jail, giving him a car for free (knowing he probably won't pay you back and will pawn it to get money for alcohol), picking up the pieces, rushing in to help organize his recovery - none of this helps him. Nothing wrong with visiting him so he knows that you still love him - still care, but he needs to learn to take care of himself, to get help, to reach out for help from treatment centres/rehab.
When he "bottoms out" he needs to experience the full weight of the experience - because it's often after this that there is a small window of chance that they just might get help this time. But if you come in and cushion the experience even a little bit - things just don't seem as bad for him and he knows that you are there to pick up the pieces so that he doesn't have to worry...
I hope you have support from a group like Al-Anon who help you to experience peace no matter what is happening with the alcoholic. I hope you don't feel guilty about feeling peace during your son's three day binge - that is his choice, and you deserve to have some peace in your life.
All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 50
tomorrow is the day
my son called and will be admitted to a detox, followed by a rehab program, tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. please pray for him.
thanks for your replies - it's a good feeling to know you care about both my son and me.
lucy:praying
thanks for your replies - it's a good feeling to know you care about both my son and me.
lucy:praying
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
