What to Do?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Having been through similar situations for years with my AH .... my biggest and foremost concern was always the well being of my kids. I didn't care what kind of misery I had to endure if it was necessary to ensure their safety. Finding a solution to protect your very young and vulnerable kids will not be easy - but at their age, they need constant supervision by an alert competent adult. Even a few unsupervised minutes could be deadly - examples, left in a hot car too long, climbing up on chairs and tables and falling, allowed access to areas where they could drown or be injured, coming in contact with poisonous materials or pills, swallowing items left out .... etc. At this young age it is imperative kids are watched constantly.
In earlier years, when our kids were young and unable to watch out for their own well being ... the thought that my AH would have unsupervised custody of our children was a terrifying thought I couldn't live with. During this time, I found out that he had been drinking far more than the 2 beers he admitted to when he was driving our children around, and I knew if he attempted that behavior with me in the car, he would certainly do it when I wasn't around.
Another time, my youngest son was ill with a dangerously low platelet count. It was imperative he be watched constantly to avoid a catastrophic situation when even a minor injury could result in uncontrolled bleeding or even death ...and I had asked my AH to watch him for 15 minutes after work while I left to pick up my oldest child. He swore he hadn't been drinking ...but when I returned home 15 minutes later, he had passed out on the floor and my then 4 year old son was left with no one to supervise and protect him.
In regard to an alcoholic being able to control drinking ... my AH and I had once been incorrectly told by an unqualified counselor that AA had a program that "trained" alcoholics to drink only 2 drinks so they could participate in social situations. We listened to the counselor's theory for about 5 sessions ... until I got fed up and called 4 different AA groups. I asked them if they had a policy that would allow controlled drinking, and all of them confirmed the AA policy was for total abstinence only - one individual was so angry she wanted the counselor's phone number to insist she stop giving this dangerously bad advise! It turned out this counselor was so poorly informed that she was quoting an outside group not affiliated or condoned by AA. Her counseling did more damage then good ... because she had been misleading us into believing a reputable organization like AA would condone modified drinking. I eventually found out that the leader of this organization that touted controlled drinking for alcoholics.... had relapsed herself and ended up driving down the wrong side of a freeway killing someone.
Lesson I learned from this situation: 1) Don't go to a counselor unless they are well qualified to handle addictions 2) Alcoholism is not something that can be controlled by modified drinking for any length of time ... and attempting to do so can have catastrophic consequences. " One drink is too many, and a thousand isn't enough." is an oft quoted, tried and true AA slogan for a very good reason.
May you find the strength and support you will need to face these challenges ... keep coming back. There is so much to be valuable information to be gained here from those that have actually shared their lives with alcoholics.
In earlier years, when our kids were young and unable to watch out for their own well being ... the thought that my AH would have unsupervised custody of our children was a terrifying thought I couldn't live with. During this time, I found out that he had been drinking far more than the 2 beers he admitted to when he was driving our children around, and I knew if he attempted that behavior with me in the car, he would certainly do it when I wasn't around.
Another time, my youngest son was ill with a dangerously low platelet count. It was imperative he be watched constantly to avoid a catastrophic situation when even a minor injury could result in uncontrolled bleeding or even death ...and I had asked my AH to watch him for 15 minutes after work while I left to pick up my oldest child. He swore he hadn't been drinking ...but when I returned home 15 minutes later, he had passed out on the floor and my then 4 year old son was left with no one to supervise and protect him.
In regard to an alcoholic being able to control drinking ... my AH and I had once been incorrectly told by an unqualified counselor that AA had a program that "trained" alcoholics to drink only 2 drinks so they could participate in social situations. We listened to the counselor's theory for about 5 sessions ... until I got fed up and called 4 different AA groups. I asked them if they had a policy that would allow controlled drinking, and all of them confirmed the AA policy was for total abstinence only - one individual was so angry she wanted the counselor's phone number to insist she stop giving this dangerously bad advise! It turned out this counselor was so poorly informed that she was quoting an outside group not affiliated or condoned by AA. Her counseling did more damage then good ... because she had been misleading us into believing a reputable organization like AA would condone modified drinking. I eventually found out that the leader of this organization that touted controlled drinking for alcoholics.... had relapsed herself and ended up driving down the wrong side of a freeway killing someone.
Lesson I learned from this situation: 1) Don't go to a counselor unless they are well qualified to handle addictions 2) Alcoholism is not something that can be controlled by modified drinking for any length of time ... and attempting to do so can have catastrophic consequences. " One drink is too many, and a thousand isn't enough." is an oft quoted, tried and true AA slogan for a very good reason.
May you find the strength and support you will need to face these challenges ... keep coming back. There is so much to be valuable information to be gained here from those that have actually shared their lives with alcoholics.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
Well, I came home today to find her drunk again, so much for the controlled drinking. I had all your comments in mind and did would I knew I had to do. The kids are going to the inlaws until I can get full time child care arranged. As for my AW; well she decided that she would go and stay with an AA friend in Leeds (some 200 miles away) for a few days. The trouble is she was drunk so not thinking straight. I hope this AA friend has better advice for her.
Thanks for your continued support.
Thanks for your continued support.
But - at least it's clear what you need to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
(((Nic))) - I"m so sorry. There must be some part of you that is grateful your children will be quite safe! How are the in-laws with all of this? When AW sobers up things could get wild. Stick to your boundaries! We're proud of you!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
hugs to you, ((( Nic )))
Not an easy decision but definitely the right one. I was raised by a drunk mother - and suffered some terrible events in my childhood because she was inebriated when she should have been protecting me. I'm relieved that your kids will be safe.
Not an easy decision but definitely the right one. I was raised by a drunk mother - and suffered some terrible events in my childhood because she was inebriated when she should have been protecting me. I'm relieved that your kids will be safe.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry you came home to that situation. That's good news that your inlaws are able to help out until you make other arrangements for the children.
Have you found a support group for yourself, like Al Anon or counseling?
Have you found a support group for yourself, like Al Anon or counseling?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
TJP613 - Cheers buddy. The inlaws are fine, they have lived with the problem longer than I have. They are great with the kids and would fly to the moon for them. My wife came back last night when she had regained some rational thought. She has been to the doc's and is going to AA every night this week. I don't know ho long it will last but I am encouraging her positive actions.
Thanks to you all you helped me through this.
Thanks to you all you helped me through this.
Last edited by NicTKD; 07-28-2009 at 12:52 PM. Reason: typo
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Nic.. I'm sorry this is how it ended up, but I can't say I'm surprised. And honestly it's a BLESSING for your children. Unfortunately you had to be forced to protect them.
At first reading this, I wanted to comment on the 'person in AA telling her to try to control her drinking", this DOES happen a lot.. it is VERY common for folks in AA (it is even in the book) to tell someone who doesn't feel they are an alcoholic to try some controlled drinking, say 2 drinks a day for a month.. and if they can do it with no problem, there's not problem.. Alcoholics can't do it... that's the point, and it's meant to serve as an eye opener and answer the "am I an alcoholic" question they're seeking. I'm sure I butchered the logic and intent of all that, i am not in AA, and I do not follow or agree with most of the program, but I do know that even on this board, in the alcoholism forums it's recommended relentlessly for people to give it a go.
Obviously we all have the answer to your wife's "do I have a problem or not". She is an unfit mother, I wish I had skipped to the end to read that finally. FINALLY you took action for those kids, my blood was boiling (yes mods I got up and walked around first
). There is not child on this planet that deserves neglectful and irresponsible parenting and danger to their welfare caused by either subtance abuse or unwillingness to address it. Be happy that you took action before authorities did.
Now, you can work on you, and them.. your wife can find her own way.
At first reading this, I wanted to comment on the 'person in AA telling her to try to control her drinking", this DOES happen a lot.. it is VERY common for folks in AA (it is even in the book) to tell someone who doesn't feel they are an alcoholic to try some controlled drinking, say 2 drinks a day for a month.. and if they can do it with no problem, there's not problem.. Alcoholics can't do it... that's the point, and it's meant to serve as an eye opener and answer the "am I an alcoholic" question they're seeking. I'm sure I butchered the logic and intent of all that, i am not in AA, and I do not follow or agree with most of the program, but I do know that even on this board, in the alcoholism forums it's recommended relentlessly for people to give it a go.
Obviously we all have the answer to your wife's "do I have a problem or not". She is an unfit mother, I wish I had skipped to the end to read that finally. FINALLY you took action for those kids, my blood was boiling (yes mods I got up and walked around first
). There is not child on this planet that deserves neglectful and irresponsible parenting and danger to their welfare caused by either subtance abuse or unwillingness to address it. Be happy that you took action before authorities did.Now, you can work on you, and them.. your wife can find her own way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well done, nic. so good to hear the children will be safe and sound and also, that you might have a bit of time to yourself with them cared for and her away. not an easy choice by any means but certainly the prudent one. take care. naive
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