fluffyflea

Hi All,

Last December my bf was supposed to have quit smoking pot because he was being a paranoid jealous a@#! (And he has a substance abuse problem with it).
Plus he suffers from a paranoid personality.

For 6 months I thought he had and then he admits after things came to a head and he moved out that he hadn't stopped he was just doing it at work..

Now we are living separately and just seeing each other on the weekends. He has started counseling and he went to a couple of A.A meetings with me and seemed to really get a lot out of them.

But I have a big time trust issue going on. I tried to explain that to him but for some reason they seem oblivious to the upset their actions cause others.

I don't feel that I should be in any hurry to get back to trusting him but he feels that because, according to him he;s not smoking and he's taking steps to better himself everything should be hunky dory now.

Any thoughts?

Thanx

Ngaire

FindingBalance

Trust is earned. You trusted him during a time when he lied to you. It's not that easy to trust again, and you may never FULLY trust again. My RAH lied to me and I trust him 99.9% but I have my moments. It took months to get back there. Your BF should not EXPECT you to trust him since he's broken it once. I think if he is really trying, he'll understand and acknowledge that he has done wrong and that you have every right to not trust yet. Be positive with him, but don't just give it away.

Good luck.

kv816

I'm having major trust issues to. But I think for me, right now, a lot of my trust issues are with myself. I look back at the last two years with XABF and wonder how on earth I could be so foolish, so blind. I caught myself the other day comparing him to someone I recently met. We are just friends right now, and I enjoy his company, but I'm so afraid of pushing him away because of how I feel over myself.

For me, I'm not sure right now I could ever trust XABF (even if he does find sobriety in the future). I wish I could, but I just don't think I'll ever have it in me to trust him again.

I'm working on trusting myself. I'm hoping the more I trust myself the easier it'll be to decide if I can trust others.

Just know you are not struggling with it alone. I wish you all the luck in your world!

GiveLove

If you trust you, ngaire, you don't have to trust him. Trust in yourself and know that you will always make the right, protective decisions for your own life, regardless of his poor choices.

It takes a long time to trust someone who has lied to us, deceived us, not to do so again. A plant that takes years to grow can be cut down to the ground with just a single stroke of the axe. It may take a long time to re-grow to full size. Your BF is unrealistic and (apparently) self-centered to think your trust should re-sprout, fully-formed from the earth just like like that.

Do what's right for you

MycoolFitz

Time + Truth = Trust. It takes a lot more time and truth to regain than it does to lose. If your BF was lieing to you about smoking and using at work and covering up that sounds big time addiction. Just stopping or saying you've stopped and go to a few meetings isn't necessarily recovering. Recovery is a full time occupation not a pass time. As a recovering addict/alcoholic I say don't rush anything or rush into anything.

TrainWreckAgain

How very very true.

Cynay

This is just a thought and only that ... but maybe the reason you dont trust him is because he is not trustworthy???

I make alot of excuses for my ex, as a Co-depedent I live in denial very easily and make up one excuse after another for peoples addiction, abuse and just plan bad behavior.... that is part of my disease.

I learned to trust others when I learned to trust myself... and I learned to do that with recovery. Today I can even have people I dont trust in my life because I know they are not trustworthy.... so I accept them for who they are and dont try to change them, but I dont put my blinders on today either. I choose to keep it honest today, I accept that there are people who are not trustworthy and that is ok. Today I dont try to force what really should not be there, trust is earned.

fluffyflea

Hi All,

Thanx for the replies.

I spent the weekend with the bf and I'm not convinced that he isn't using.

I also decided that it's his problem, I;m not responsible for him and his addiction only for myself and my recovery.

I thought of something we say in A.A "Our level of serenity is directly proportional to our expectations of others." As long as I don't expect he's NOT using I feel much better about the situation. And as long as I don't take it PERSONALLY if he is lying about it then I also feel better. I have to remember it's not personal it's the disease talking.

So it's one day at a time and I have to continue taking care of myself.

Ngaire

TakingCharge999