Bye

Old 07-25-2009, 01:34 AM
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Bye

Just wanted to say goodbye to you all and thanks very much-this forum has helped me considerably in dealing with the realizations I came to about my xabf, and I think there are so many great people here.

I'm leaving the forum because too many times people have responded to my posts to basically "quit trying to give other people advice and get help for yourself."

Frankly, I resent being told to "Get help" by people who've never met me and who only know me based on what I choose to reveal on this forum. Besides, I've already revealed that I'm going to meetings, reading books etc..it's only been a little over two weeks since my ex and I broke up ( a fact that these people either don't seem to be aware of, or seem to forget!), and i've done what I can in that limited time frame. But honestly, it's not even anyone's business.

Not only that, I think it's rude and counterproductive to try to stifle ANYONE or to suggest on an ADVICE board that someone should refrain from giving recommendations or suggestions.

It's also been suggested in a subtle fashion that I shouldn't try to speak of topics where I've had no experience.

Not everyone here has had experience in every single topic dealing with alcoholism, but does that mean they should keep their mouths shut if they have a suggestion?? I have a friend who's 21 and never been in a relationship, yet sometimes she gives me a completely fresh perspective on my relationships that I would've never considered. I wouldn't discount her advice, simply because she hasn't been in a relationship.

I think these attitudes are going to end up stifling this forum if they are directed at others and continue.

Sorry, but I'm a little war-weary still, and really don't have the will nor do I think it's important enough to keep fighting these battles on this forum-there are many other people here who can help, so I'm respectfully leaving. I wish you all the best.
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Old 07-25-2009, 01:50 AM
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Sorry to see you go but I'm glad you got some good out of it.

You have to realise that forums like the 'real' world are poplutated with people from the whole spectrum of life, as it should be. Some of these people you agree with and some you don't. Take the messages that mean something to you and that you can use to your benefit and simply ignore the rest.

I wish you all the best in the future and hope everything works out for you.

Take care
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Old 07-25-2009, 06:15 AM
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I am sorry your feelings got hurt. There are people on these forums who rub me the wrong way, I just try to avoid them. I actually haven't seen any of the posts your refering to. I hope you continue to find what you need to be healthy, whether you stay or leave.
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Old 07-25-2009, 06:34 AM
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The kinds of issues dealt with on this forum pose an additional challenge, in that people tend to react strongly to posts that remind them of their own circumstances, or their past circumstances or attitudes in an earlier point of their journey.

Whether your being told to "get help" was meant in a kind way or a judgmental way, I cannot say. I can say, however, that had I known about this forum 2 weeks after breaking up with my xabf, I would've been doing myself a great disservice to have left because of a comment I felt was untoward.

If you feel that you are done with the forum, that is obviously your choice, and I am sure everyone wishes you well.
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Old 07-25-2009, 07:44 AM
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sandrawg,

yes sometimes repliers here look from their own perspective and assume things into yours, and yes sometimes they are not careful readers to your revealed perspective and therefore don't ask questions about what you haven't revealed. sometimes this happens because we are lazy, just don't get it ourselves yet, it irks us, and/or our heart is in a place of wanting to be heard instead over helping, sharing, serving, and we forget the road of where we once were. we are all imperfect and make mistakes. And we are all on a journey , in a process, "thinking" we want to be "better". It is no accident that we have crossed each others paths here.

However often we don't need to go the extra mile, something is simply understood and we post our thoughts. And even when handling things imperfectly, most times even that is meant to be well meaning. Even what is well meaning and done with a right heart and discipline can end up being "bad advice" or information.( Hence, the wonderful world of the thread to have multiple inputs.) The heart of this community is service, it is why the board is here. And yes, when service is not the heart of the community members who are beyond just receiving we probably would be best to shut up. But neither do we as individuals control when someone takes the heart or words of our service wrong. And then some people talk more because they don't know they need to receive more.

So on the switch sometimes the person receiving comment back has not been a good reader or listener, has been irked , was not ready for what is being said to them, missed the perspective of the reply or just doesn't get it yet, doesn't realize they are truly being served as they don't recognize that the replier has long been on a path and is replying to somewhere they have already been.

I could give a further evaluation , but i am not here to exhaust a point , but to help service you and i am sure you have gotten the point already.

Personally , i have enjoyed "reading" your process and have "excepted" and enjoy you style. sandrawg, if you are going to give advice outload and make statement about others in general about what you see here overall, you are going to get back more "feedback" that you may not like. Sometimes it will be handled well, sometimes it won't be the best. Sometimes it will be what you needed to hear and sometimes it won't be. Peoples writing and critical thinking abilities, and this on different experiences, are all on different levels here too.

I have no opinion on whether you should stay or go. God is in control of that and he knows what is best for you on your journey, where you should be and where you should not. So whether „ou would chose to stay , go or come back I hope this little post i have just written served you in love.

If „ou were to stay i want to tell you are are doing great!!!! i would just advice you to be a bigger receiver from the people here and a more careful speaker. You have already shown „ųurself to be a giver, so „ou got that covered.:-) So, what I see is that like all us humans you have a good side and a flatside. If you stay, I will always want and try to respond to „ou with my goodside. Forgive me when i respond to you with my flatside.( I have a problem recognizing it, thats why it is flat.:-)

One more think: Sometimes something isn't a flat side, the person is just wrong or they are right and their style is not preferred by you. So liking peoples comments or not by their style would make it our flatside issue.

Okay, I have went an extra half mile because of how i felt lead with what i wanted to give in this situation. More from me on this would be overkill.

love tammy

proverbs 20:5

ps: Proverbs 20:5 (New International Version)

5 The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters,
but a man of understanding draws them out.

:-) such is a 2 way street, yet each person wants someone to know because we have a desire to truly be known.
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Old 07-25-2009, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by alwaysthinking2 View Post
The kinds of issues dealt with on this forum pose an additional challenge, in that people tend to react strongly to posts that remind them of their own circumstances, or their past circumstances or attitudes in an earlier point of their journey.
This is very true.

Sandrawg, I do think it will be a shame if you leave because of some posts. I think that online it is easy to misunderstand things as you are just reading words where there is no tone or body language. In fact I think we had a slight misunderstanding on my thread

I hope that you continue on your journey and that you will come back here if it helps.
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Old 07-25-2009, 08:23 AM
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There's always the ignore function if some people rub you up the wrong way. I enjoy reading your posts so sorry to see you go.
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Old 07-25-2009, 10:07 AM
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I am so busy now, especially with the new job, that I don't get to read as thoroughly as I'd like to here. I'd just like to say that I've enjoyed all your posts that I've read, sandrawg.

I understand how you feel because I've been there before myself. I've come to learn not to take everything personally, and as someone else suggested, there's always the ignore button so you don't have to read anything from certain posters.

Wishing you nothing but the best, and a quiet heart! :ghug2
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Old 07-25-2009, 10:44 AM
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I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I do hope you reconsider as there are people here who are helped by what you've shared on the forum.

I am one of them.

Maybe in time what you can gain from the interaction here will outweigh the undesired feedback.

Best wishes,

Alice
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Old 07-25-2009, 11:13 AM
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wow..... there is really an ignore option, to ignore certain people.... I don't think about it so I didn't think about looking for it or the need for it.... good tool....

sorta sad through too.... we don't always like people at first but learning about someone can take time and perspective, can reveal we just needed to get to know them better.....

oh well, guess it is all in the heart of why you hit the "ignore" button. could be a good thing, could be a bad think, could be an in-betweeny thing too. :-)

( lol: now I have this image about who here has an inny, who has an outy, and who has and in-betweeny belly button.)

love tammy
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Old 07-25-2009, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Not only that, I think it's rude and counterproductive to try to stifle ANYONE or to suggest on an ADVICE board that someone should refrain from giving recommendations or suggestions.
Isn't that what the person who suggested you get help for yourself was doing?

Seems a bit ironic to me to start a thread suggesting an entire group of people (those who are still with their alcoholics) need help, and then get offended and indignant when someone has the nerve to suggest you might need help, doesn't it?


L
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Old 07-25-2009, 12:53 PM
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I know I have ignored some ppl when I was not ready to listen what they had to say... very handy button just like its me alice I have learned and taken a lot from your posts... so its sad you leave...

We will be here if you reconsider all the best!!!!!
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Old 07-25-2009, 03:19 PM
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The "ignore" button has always helped me create just the right oasis of serenity here on SR. If you still think there is more to be gained by being here - and only you know that - I hope you'll give that a try before leaving altogether.
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Old 07-26-2009, 06:09 PM
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In church today, my pastor talked about loving my enemies. This is really hard for me. Because I really want people to like and respect my opinions. I really dislike when people tell me that I need to work on myself. Life is a crazy journey, and it is amazing what works and what does not work in life.

I think that the online forums are a haven for some people who do not want to get too close to other people---because if they really blank you off, you can shut off the computer. In a real relationship, you are more accountable to what you say to someone else.

That being said, the purpose of this forum is to help the friends and families of alcoholics. Just remember that, this forum is always there for you. It is not meant to be something that you say hello or goodbye, it is there to get you through a difficult time so that you can make better decisions for yourself, especially if you are dealing with an alcoholic.
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Old 07-26-2009, 06:39 PM
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There is a saying in the meeting circles.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

That applies to responses you get on forums.
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Trying2survive View Post
There is a saying in the meeting circles.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

That applies to responses you get on forums.
I thought about this before I said thank you, decided to say thank you, but then thought about whether this was really a consistent value with the original intent of the 12 steps or something that got tagged on to the program in slogan form.

I think there has to be a perspective to this: we should leave what we don't like because it was not really 'good' , 'healthy', not consistent with the 12 steps. However, sometimes we gotta take what we don't like. It's part of the growth and discovery process. :-) I might like it later but I don't always like being challenged about my "stuff" at the time.

love tammy
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:27 PM
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I bend that to "take what I NEED and leave the rest."

Sometimes, I need someone to challenge my thinking. I sometimes may not like it at the time, but later on it comes to me when I need it.

It's also good practice for a codie to learn how to blow off the opinions of people who don't matter, who are seeing things through their own small lens, or who are just plain being mean.

Knowing the difference is a vital skill for me, not one I want to lose through disuse. Not everyone in the world is going to be our style. And there aren't just two choices (agree or get mad). There are many gray areas in between, including "I'm ignoring you because you're not saying anything valuable to me." That's what the Ignore button is for.
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:59 PM
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I'm not privy to the events that preceeded this, but I enjoyed yr posts, Sandrawg.
Hope you change yr mind

And I fully endorse GLs post above - knowing the difference is a vital skill for me too

D
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