The sensless price children pay
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
The sensless price children pay
In my situation, I had a blended family... where I brought 3 kids to the party (all girls) and she brought 2 (boy and girl).
All of us had suffered great loss. My kids had lost their mom and one set of grandparents. Her kids were fatherless. Against a backdrop of loss, hope was found.
The process of blending was a challenge, but when the dust settled, the kids were a cohesive unit. Labels of step-sister and step-brother were gone. They were all just siblings. Fighting amongst themselves and defending each others ferociously against outsiders. If you saw them on the street, you would know that they were family. Straight A students... involved in all kinds of activities... Thriving kids.
And then the darkness that is alcoholism and addiction came to the family. It truly is a family disease. Eveyone in the family suffers, but the children suffer most.
My now xAGF has decided that in order for her to recover and move forward, she needs to go her own way and take her kids with her.
It is her right and her choice, but now the children pay the price.
As I tally up the losses....
Her Daughter Loses -- 3 sisters, a father, 1 grandmother
Her Son Loses -- 3 sisters, a father, 1 grandmother
My First Daugher Loses -- 1 sister, 1 brother, a mother and an uncle
My Second Daugher Loses -- 1 sister, 1 borther, a mother and an uncle
My Third Daughter Loses -- 1 sister, 1 brother, a mother and an uncle
A total of 18 very important, family relationships will be harmed or lost in this separation.
It is a family disease.. and the children pay a horrible price.
All of us had suffered great loss. My kids had lost their mom and one set of grandparents. Her kids were fatherless. Against a backdrop of loss, hope was found.
The process of blending was a challenge, but when the dust settled, the kids were a cohesive unit. Labels of step-sister and step-brother were gone. They were all just siblings. Fighting amongst themselves and defending each others ferociously against outsiders. If you saw them on the street, you would know that they were family. Straight A students... involved in all kinds of activities... Thriving kids.
And then the darkness that is alcoholism and addiction came to the family. It truly is a family disease. Eveyone in the family suffers, but the children suffer most.
My now xAGF has decided that in order for her to recover and move forward, she needs to go her own way and take her kids with her.
It is her right and her choice, but now the children pay the price.
As I tally up the losses....
Her Daughter Loses -- 3 sisters, a father, 1 grandmother
Her Son Loses -- 3 sisters, a father, 1 grandmother
My First Daugher Loses -- 1 sister, 1 brother, a mother and an uncle
My Second Daugher Loses -- 1 sister, 1 borther, a mother and an uncle
My Third Daughter Loses -- 1 sister, 1 brother, a mother and an uncle
A total of 18 very important, family relationships will be harmed or lost in this separation.
It is a family disease.. and the children pay a horrible price.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello trainwreck-
there is no denying the magnitude of unnecessary trauma that the A brings to their family and loved ones. it's very difficult to accept.
there is some danger in projecting into the future. stay present, stay open and don't let your thoughts wander into a future which has not yet occurred.
one day at at a time.
there is no denying the magnitude of unnecessary trauma that the A brings to their family and loved ones. it's very difficult to accept.
there is some danger in projecting into the future. stay present, stay open and don't let your thoughts wander into a future which has not yet occurred.
one day at at a time.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
I agree. You have to take one day at a time. But there are times, like this one, where you have to project into the future.
I had just got off the phone with the psychologist that works with the kids about what to say to the kids if my xAGF just out of the blue tells her kids that they need to pack. IMHO, she is not thinking about them and how it would impact them. IMHO, she is only thinking about herself.
My xAGF told me that she had "carefully considered the impact on the children and that it wouldn't really matter all that much." And, in the same conversation she said she had "talked to their psychologist about it and all was well." The talk to the psychologist was an outright lie.
So I am "borrowing trouble" from the future, but only to have a game plan for the kids if all of this sadly comes to pass.
I had just got off the phone with the psychologist that works with the kids about what to say to the kids if my xAGF just out of the blue tells her kids that they need to pack. IMHO, she is not thinking about them and how it would impact them. IMHO, she is only thinking about herself.
My xAGF told me that she had "carefully considered the impact on the children and that it wouldn't really matter all that much." And, in the same conversation she said she had "talked to their psychologist about it and all was well." The talk to the psychologist was an outright lie.
So I am "borrowing trouble" from the future, but only to have a game plan for the kids if all of this sadly comes to pass.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((TWA)))) I think it is admirable that you are thinking of the children. Certainly your children should be your first priority. I'm sorry that you are having to go through all of this and are living with the uncertainty of whether your gf will bolt or not. I'm sorry you are living with the pain of loving an addict and the possible loss of an important relationship.
This is just my humble opinion........As she works her recovery program remember that it is HERS to work regardless of the fact you feel she should be doing it better. That's a hard fact for all of us to accept. I wanted to throttle my future step son on several occasions to try to get him to "do the right thing". But I have realized it's not my business. His addiction, his recovery or not.
Again, just my 0.02. Please carefully consider how you use the children to keep the relationship together. That is a burden that should not be placed on them.
I hope and pray for brighter days ahead for you. Huge hugs and prayers, HG
This is just my humble opinion........As she works her recovery program remember that it is HERS to work regardless of the fact you feel she should be doing it better. That's a hard fact for all of us to accept. I wanted to throttle my future step son on several occasions to try to get him to "do the right thing". But I have realized it's not my business. His addiction, his recovery or not.
Again, just my 0.02. Please carefully consider how you use the children to keep the relationship together. That is a burden that should not be placed on them.
I hope and pray for brighter days ahead for you. Huge hugs and prayers, HG
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I'm sorry bud, I know it hurts. I agree with these other posters. First, try not to project to much. Second (and I am guilty of this myself), spend less time worrying about her road and more time living your life.
I would also like to add that all is not lost even if/when she moves out on her own with the children. When I left my husband, his children and I stayed close. My daughter and he stayed close, and our children are still just as much brothers and sisters as they ever were.
I had an ex once who said he would take my child away from me if I left him. He felt I was an unfit parent, and I am sure that was partly true as I had my daughter young and have had substance abuse issues all of my adult life.
I know for a fact had he tried, I would have burned his life to the ground to keep my child. I am grateful we were allowed to leave in peace.
She was my only reason for ever wanting to be a better person. She is 21 now, and we are so close, we always have been. It has always just been she and I against the world.
I would also like to add that all is not lost even if/when she moves out on her own with the children. When I left my husband, his children and I stayed close. My daughter and he stayed close, and our children are still just as much brothers and sisters as they ever were.
I had an ex once who said he would take my child away from me if I left him. He felt I was an unfit parent, and I am sure that was partly true as I had my daughter young and have had substance abuse issues all of my adult life.
I know for a fact had he tried, I would have burned his life to the ground to keep my child. I am grateful we were allowed to leave in peace.
She was my only reason for ever wanting to be a better person. She is 21 now, and we are so close, we always have been. It has always just been she and I against the world.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
As painful and unfair as it is, this is the type of situation where I find wisdom and practical guidance in the Serenity Prayer:
(Force greater than myself), Grant me the serenity to
The harsh reality is that you have jurisdiction over your own children, and can do whatever you may to improve their lives. You were kind to influence the lives of your AGF's kids, and maybe someday when they're older they can come to you for more wisdom and healing, but today they are their mother's charges (until CPS finds reason otherwise). While you wish you could do more for them, they will always have what you DID give them, and remember that. This is the gift you leave within them as they go forward.
What can you not change?
What can you change?
Energy is wasted on the former and well used in the latter, no matter how confusing the circumstances are.
It's fair to spend some energy to grieve life's tragedies (things you cannot change), but don't let that grief overshadow being present to change the things you can.
That's where wisdom to know the difference comes in.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
(Force greater than myself), Grant me the serenity to
- Accept the things I cannot change
- Courage to change the things I CAN, and
- The Wisdom to know the difference
The harsh reality is that you have jurisdiction over your own children, and can do whatever you may to improve their lives. You were kind to influence the lives of your AGF's kids, and maybe someday when they're older they can come to you for more wisdom and healing, but today they are their mother's charges (until CPS finds reason otherwise). While you wish you could do more for them, they will always have what you DID give them, and remember that. This is the gift you leave within them as they go forward.
What can you not change?
What can you change?
Energy is wasted on the former and well used in the latter, no matter how confusing the circumstances are.
It's fair to spend some energy to grieve life's tragedies (things you cannot change), but don't let that grief overshadow being present to change the things you can.
That's where wisdom to know the difference comes in.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I actually had this same realization not too long ago. I cried and cried and cried. I thought how awful a person I am. I have three children myself. I didn't grow up with family outside parents and my siblings. So when my parents, my sisters and my brothers all lived in one city I chose to move to that city to be with them all so my kids could have what I never did. Over the years everyone has gone, except one sister. It is her and her two kids. So my kids still have one aunt and two cousins.
There are so many reasons I argued to stay. The big one, the one that hurt the most, was their losses. They lost a father in XABF. Three aunts. Seven cousins. Countless neighbor kids they grew so close to. It was devastating to me to think of all I was taking away from them by leaving. I still today struggle to find the answer as to why they can't see these people they grew to love.
I try to put it in another perspective though. "They lost a father"......they lost a man who liked to wobble around the house, blame everything on everyone else, one who yelled and screamed and threw things for no or stupid, childish reasons. "They lost three aunts"......they lost three woman who they saw sit around and watch, take, and accept a man who wobbled around the house, blamed everything on everyone else, yadayadayada. Three more people who put ME down for setting boundaries and expectations of control and acceptance in my own life. "They lost seven cousins".....they lost seven more people who had grown up also believing that XABF was "normal" and it was okay. Seven children who would repeat messages from their mommy "it's not uncle 'him' that is so bad, it's your mom".
That's what helps me get by anyway. Not all was bad. We all had many, many good times and shared much laughter. But I know the back and forth of "he loves me, he loves me not" was hard on me, an adult that has seen so much more in her life than my small children. Even I struggle to understand and it makes me angry. As devastating as these losses were to them, the sanity they gained helps make up for it (in my eyes--I've seen the goofy games and giggles return that they lost so long ago to avoid upsetting him).
There are so many reasons I argued to stay. The big one, the one that hurt the most, was their losses. They lost a father in XABF. Three aunts. Seven cousins. Countless neighbor kids they grew so close to. It was devastating to me to think of all I was taking away from them by leaving. I still today struggle to find the answer as to why they can't see these people they grew to love.
I try to put it in another perspective though. "They lost a father"......they lost a man who liked to wobble around the house, blame everything on everyone else, one who yelled and screamed and threw things for no or stupid, childish reasons. "They lost three aunts"......they lost three woman who they saw sit around and watch, take, and accept a man who wobbled around the house, blamed everything on everyone else, yadayadayada. Three more people who put ME down for setting boundaries and expectations of control and acceptance in my own life. "They lost seven cousins".....they lost seven more people who had grown up also believing that XABF was "normal" and it was okay. Seven children who would repeat messages from their mommy "it's not uncle 'him' that is so bad, it's your mom".
That's what helps me get by anyway. Not all was bad. We all had many, many good times and shared much laughter. But I know the back and forth of "he loves me, he loves me not" was hard on me, an adult that has seen so much more in her life than my small children. Even I struggle to understand and it makes me angry. As devastating as these losses were to them, the sanity they gained helps make up for it (in my eyes--I've seen the goofy games and giggles return that they lost so long ago to avoid upsetting him).
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post....
A few things.... I do recognize that her recovery is her recovery. She has to figure it out for herself. The future that she maps out for herself and her children is her choice, no matter what that is. I have my own recovery to work on.
And yes, I am frustrated and saddened that she doesn't think of anyone else, especially her kids... but that is the reality of the situation.
If she wants to have her kids, I will not fight it. I have to trust God to have a plan for keeping them safe and providing them an enviornment in which they will not only survive, but thrive.
My conversation with the psychologist was really to plan for how to talk to the kids when it happens...
As part of the discussion, we talked through all of the relationships that the kids had with other family members, which were strong and which were weak, and ideas for how to talk to the kids effectively about what was going on ...
It was that relationship mapping exercise that drove me to the first post... which was really just an acknowledgement of the fact that addiction is a FAMILY DISEASE... and that the people who tend to pay the highest price are the kids.
A few things.... I do recognize that her recovery is her recovery. She has to figure it out for herself. The future that she maps out for herself and her children is her choice, no matter what that is. I have my own recovery to work on.
And yes, I am frustrated and saddened that she doesn't think of anyone else, especially her kids... but that is the reality of the situation.
If she wants to have her kids, I will not fight it. I have to trust God to have a plan for keeping them safe and providing them an enviornment in which they will not only survive, but thrive.
My conversation with the psychologist was really to plan for how to talk to the kids when it happens...
As part of the discussion, we talked through all of the relationships that the kids had with other family members, which were strong and which were weak, and ideas for how to talk to the kids effectively about what was going on ...
It was that relationship mapping exercise that drove me to the first post... which was really just an acknowledgement of the fact that addiction is a FAMILY DISEASE... and that the people who tend to pay the highest price are the kids.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
I am sorry you aro going through this, but have faith that more will be revealed with time.
I grew up with a single father and a younger sister. Dad had 10 years worth of various girlfriends with kids we loved and spent holidays with. I stay in touch with ALL of them. The bond I share with the kids and most of the women is strong and special. Mother/sibling like. Only those who have been there can understand. One friend and I call each other sisters although we never were.
You can have relationships with the kids with time, so can your kids. I have lived it and boomaranged (made up a verb) back to them all once I reached adulthood. I love them like family as that is what we were to each other.
Hugs
Miss
I am sorry you aro going through this, but have faith that more will be revealed with time.
I grew up with a single father and a younger sister. Dad had 10 years worth of various girlfriends with kids we loved and spent holidays with. I stay in touch with ALL of them. The bond I share with the kids and most of the women is strong and special. Mother/sibling like. Only those who have been there can understand. One friend and I call each other sisters although we never were.
You can have relationships with the kids with time, so can your kids. I have lived it and boomaranged (made up a verb) back to them all once I reached adulthood. I love them like family as that is what we were to each other.
Hugs
Miss
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there TrainWreck 
I was once where your kids are today. Except I did not have an adult role model I could count on in my parents. I had to find those in school teachers and the parents of school mates. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my childhood was short, brutal and cruel.
The _one_ thing that got me thru my childhood was those few adults whom I had recognized as being honest, decent and righteous. As far back as I can remember I focused on just one goal, to grow up to be _different_ than my alcoholic parents, and hopefuly like the adults I had chosen as role models.
In reading your posts here on SR it is abundantly clear to me that _you_ are that role model that those kids are going to remember. Even if you neve see them for the rest of their lives, they will remember you every single day. Not the fact that you were their "father" for some time, but that your actions in life were an example of the right way to be an adult.
I have no doubt that those kids will have some hardships ahead. On the other hand, you have given them the tools with which to overcome those hardships. The most important tool of all; an example of what to strive for.
Mike
I was once where your kids are today. Except I did not have an adult role model I could count on in my parents. I had to find those in school teachers and the parents of school mates. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my childhood was short, brutal and cruel.
The _one_ thing that got me thru my childhood was those few adults whom I had recognized as being honest, decent and righteous. As far back as I can remember I focused on just one goal, to grow up to be _different_ than my alcoholic parents, and hopefuly like the adults I had chosen as role models.
In reading your posts here on SR it is abundantly clear to me that _you_ are that role model that those kids are going to remember. Even if you neve see them for the rest of their lives, they will remember you every single day. Not the fact that you were their "father" for some time, but that your actions in life were an example of the right way to be an adult.
I have no doubt that those kids will have some hardships ahead. On the other hand, you have given them the tools with which to overcome those hardships. The most important tool of all; an example of what to strive for.
Mike
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 6,101
(((((TrainWreck)))))
I am going to make a suggestion, that some on here may not agree with, but I do understand that your concern is about your two step children.
How about talking to CPS about becoming a 'licensed Foster Parent'? Get licensed, and sit back and wait. Then if her thinking has not changed (I personally think she is still QUACKING) you can then ask them for assistance, in checking our her plans, making sure of the environment the children will be moved to, etc and let them make the decision ................................. if for a while ................................... until 'mom' gets on her feet, has a 'working' plan, is moving them to a good environment, etc ............................... if the children should stay with you (as they know you and their siblings) until she can 'fully' implement her plan and show she is definitely in recovery.
I know of cases in California that this has been done before, so you would not be 'setting a precedent' so to speak.
Might just be something to think about.
I do believe you have made it pretty darn clear that 'her recovery is hers.' Your concern and love I can see from your posts is about all the children, but your two step ones in particular as they have had some pretty bad 'upheavals' in recent months.
You are a wonderful example of 'recovery in action' and you make my heart smile!
Love and hugs,
I am going to make a suggestion, that some on here may not agree with, but I do understand that your concern is about your two step children.
How about talking to CPS about becoming a 'licensed Foster Parent'? Get licensed, and sit back and wait. Then if her thinking has not changed (I personally think she is still QUACKING) you can then ask them for assistance, in checking our her plans, making sure of the environment the children will be moved to, etc and let them make the decision ................................. if for a while ................................... until 'mom' gets on her feet, has a 'working' plan, is moving them to a good environment, etc ............................... if the children should stay with you (as they know you and their siblings) until she can 'fully' implement her plan and show she is definitely in recovery.
I know of cases in California that this has been done before, so you would not be 'setting a precedent' so to speak.
Might just be something to think about.
I do believe you have made it pretty darn clear that 'her recovery is hers.' Your concern and love I can see from your posts is about all the children, but your two step ones in particular as they have had some pretty bad 'upheavals' in recent months.
You are a wonderful example of 'recovery in action' and you make my heart smile!
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Thanks to all for the words of encouragement. I can see where later in life they would return. In fact, that was one of the messages the psychologist and I worked on to deliver to my step-kids if they leave. The message is this.
"Kids, you know that all of you love us very much and we know how much you love us. We will miss you terribly and know that you will miss us too. No matter what happens, today, tomorrow or for the rest of you lives, you will always be welcome in our home.
"Today, and for always, you are family. You don't need to call ahead. You don't need to schedule. You can just show up at our door. If you need someone to talk to, we are here. If you need advice, we are here. Family is not just who you are born with, but who you chose. We chose you.
"But for now, you need to go and be with your mom. She loves you and is doing what she thinks is best for you. She is your mom and she gets to decide. Many times in life, doing the right thing is not the easy thing."
Having said that, I believe that CPS will get involved if she comes to take the kids. There are licensed psychologists and social workers at her treatment center. They have a legal obligaton to call CPS if they are aware of a situation in which a child may be in danger. My belief is that if she leaves the treatment center with the intention of getting the kids, someone from the treatment center will call CPS.
This I have given to God. If her treatment team thinks she is capable of handling the kids, then as much as I don't like it or agree with it, it is her choice and her right as their mother. If the treatment believes she is not ready, then they will call CPS. I have to trust that her treatment team will make their best judgment and act accordingly. There is no better group of people to judge her readiness for this task.
It is also likely that if CPS stops her from getting the kids, that they will remain with me. An emergency certification as a foster parent can be done in 24 hours. If I am asked by CPS to step up, I will certainly say yes. And, the kids have a psychologist who has seen them regularly over the past 2 years. She would certainly tell CPS that I am a fit parent.
Trying to find peace. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.... to all parents everywhere.... "Please stop and think about how what you are doing affect the kids!!!! We like to think they are resilient... But they are fragile like we are."
I am reflecting on this quote from Eric Hoffer....
"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves."
Peace
"Kids, you know that all of you love us very much and we know how much you love us. We will miss you terribly and know that you will miss us too. No matter what happens, today, tomorrow or for the rest of you lives, you will always be welcome in our home.
"Today, and for always, you are family. You don't need to call ahead. You don't need to schedule. You can just show up at our door. If you need someone to talk to, we are here. If you need advice, we are here. Family is not just who you are born with, but who you chose. We chose you.
"But for now, you need to go and be with your mom. She loves you and is doing what she thinks is best for you. She is your mom and she gets to decide. Many times in life, doing the right thing is not the easy thing."
Having said that, I believe that CPS will get involved if she comes to take the kids. There are licensed psychologists and social workers at her treatment center. They have a legal obligaton to call CPS if they are aware of a situation in which a child may be in danger. My belief is that if she leaves the treatment center with the intention of getting the kids, someone from the treatment center will call CPS.
This I have given to God. If her treatment team thinks she is capable of handling the kids, then as much as I don't like it or agree with it, it is her choice and her right as their mother. If the treatment believes she is not ready, then they will call CPS. I have to trust that her treatment team will make their best judgment and act accordingly. There is no better group of people to judge her readiness for this task.
It is also likely that if CPS stops her from getting the kids, that they will remain with me. An emergency certification as a foster parent can be done in 24 hours. If I am asked by CPS to step up, I will certainly say yes. And, the kids have a psychologist who has seen them regularly over the past 2 years. She would certainly tell CPS that I am a fit parent.
Trying to find peace. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.... to all parents everywhere.... "Please stop and think about how what you are doing affect the kids!!!! We like to think they are resilient... But they are fragile like we are."
I am reflecting on this quote from Eric Hoffer....
"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves."
Peace
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