ItsmeAlice

I have one more week of this, just one more week. It can't come soon enough at this point.

A recap...

After ABF's layoff we had until 8/1 to find a new place to live since our housing came with his job. I made the decision, and he reluctantly agreed, to separate.

I started searching for a place to live. He started looking for a job, if you call it looking, with housing.

His drinking has of course escalated. At first, he was coming home early and hounding me about leads on jobs and housing. All I could do was tell him, I'm still looking (for me, not him). He kept offering to help and wanted to support me in any way, blah, blah, blah. I think he was just trying to tag along with me when I left.

After two weeks he hasn't packed a thing and hasn't moved a finger to help make moving arrangments for either of us. Pissy, but expected.

I couldn't stand the prodding, whining, manipulating, lazy, irritating bull and went full on codie and wrote an email behind his back to his former employer, whom he had kept in touch with since she really wanted him back to work for her. I told her the sad tale of his layoff and our separation and asked if she could help him out with a place to stay with his horse and asked her to call him.

He made the decision, like he had any other prospects, to go back there and take his horse with him. As far as I know, he has no idea I was involved. Just thinks he's a lucky guy the opportunity popped up. Now that he has a plan in place, he has gone 180 degrees back to his nasty drunk nonsense grabbing what cash he can find in the house (he took my money for tolls), drinking to a stupor every night, not coming home until very late, and keeps asking "what's your problem?" My problem??? Oh, brother.

I never did find a place I could afford and the farm owner refused me an extension so my best friend is going to put me and all my pets up in her unfinished basement. Did I tell you I'm afraid of basements? Anyway, it's a blessing, and I'm so pleased to have a place to regroup in safety and peace.

Now, my move date can't come soon enough. 6 days to go.

ABF....now STBXABF...can leave at any time. I wish he would just go already.

I have to stay to get my horses on a trailer next week and load my Uhaul. He has his own truck and not much stuff to pack and load.

I'm trying to stay far from him and just keep my head down. I've locked down the funds. I've secured moving help and hope he'll be out of my hair so I can go in peace.

Feel free to chastise me on my codie relapse. I deserve that.

I suppose I'm just venting. Thanks for listening.

Alice

TakingCharge999

if you are afraid of basements could you put a sleeping bag and sleep somewhere else at night?

GO ALICE I am very glad you are "taking charge" !

naive

great alice. i'm really glad you're moving out. the basement won't be forever. at least it will be a peaceful, alcoholic free basement!

my first week in my new flat, i slept on a sheepskin on the floor, because i didn't have any money to move my stuff. it was great to sleep without worrying what condition he'd come home in.

bookwyrm

6 days will go by in a flash!! I'm glad you have somewhere to go - it will give you more time to find the place that's perfect!

ItsmeAlice

The basement is rather large, larger than my last apartment actually.

We both like our privacy and our dogs would never tolerate each other so the basement is the best option.

She had it roughed in for a bathroom if she ever wanted to finish it off. I'm a do-it-yourselfer with a couple of homes under my belt. She's anxious to have my handy hands around her place to finish off the basement for an apartment or build a cottage on her property if I like being there. She was laid off recently too and can really use the help with expenses so at least the benefits are mutual.

I may seem like I'm taking charge and driving this carriage, but I feel a lot more like I'm trying to rein in a stampede with a shoelace. All the while I've got this useless somebody with a whole lot of attitude dragging me down. I should expect nothing less from him. This is technically our fifth move together. Three of the five he was passed out drunk for after drop kicking some breakables. The other two I hired help and sent him on ahead of the movers.

I've been a Navy kid all my life. Moving every three years is old hat to me. To him, it must feel like the sky is falling. The last thing he wants is to upset his status quo and this is some serious upset.

Thank you for the words of encouragement!!

TakingCharge999

ah yes i too slept on a sleeping bag in someone's room for some weeks.. and also on the coach...

i recall the first night i spent there. i was a crying mess i ruined my roomie's date LOL. i cried for hours straight and she was with a really handsome guy (a cousin of Gael Garcia). well my friend ended up in my room asking me about the noises, etc LOL

AND get this.. I had not rested as well in my entire life.... because I was again SAFE. That first night is priceless, full of emotions, etc but waking up to... NO ONE... can also be very releasing and satisfying and empowering, knowing it takes a toll but you ARE ABLe to get out from damaging situations and look after yourself...

ItsmeAlice

Thanks for the pass on the big codie maneuver by begging a spot for him with his old job.

I keep telling myself that it was my last hurrah as a codie GF and that if I was going to enable him and find him a soft place to land, that at least it benefits me in some way. I don't have to drive off with him trying to hang onto the back of the truck, and I didn't want his horse to be sent off to auction because neither of us could house him.

I had a huge debate with myself over writing to her and I eventually caved.

GiveLove

Oh my heavens. Now that's a pretty fellow, I'll bet.
(GL has to go find her heart that went skipping across the floor)


Alice, you may think you're using a shoelace, but that's one heck of a shoelace. And you have to admit that was one heck of a self-serving move for a codie. Congrats.

Just six days. We can do this.
Keep posting...we'll watch your back.

sandrawg

Good. You upset the apple cart and are taking away his hostage, which has been YOU all this time. He'll have to find someone else to take advantage of now.

sandrawg

I remember right after my divorce, everything was kind of a blur and I was in a fog, and I ended up renting a little room in a house with a single bed. I thought I would be stuck there forever. But now, a few years later, I have my own place that *I* bought myself. It is mine. I own it. I manage my own finances..my own affairs..and I don't rely on ANYONE. It's a great feeling Alice, and you will get to that point.

The basement is temporary. I think you will just be glad to get some peace and quiet, no matter where you are living, and to be away from the chaos and drama.

Still Waters

I'm not sure how codie that is Alice, it benefited you correct? Manipulative maybe :ghug2

Freedom1990

With my youngest daughter and I having been around horses since she was eight (I used to muck the stalls and clean the paddocks where she trained in dressage), and her now having her own horse, I can certainly understand your feelings on this.

I'm so very proud of you, Alice! :ghug2

ItsmeAlice

Came home from more errands today to find him in a sweet as pie mood. Must want something, right?

He started asking alot of questions about the horse shipping and if I could have gotten it any cheaper. WTF?

I got an affordable rate for three horses. His is cheapest since I got his horse thrown on there last. I'm making the longest haul and incurring the most expense. I told him the safety of the horses is more important than what would be cheaper for him. I wanted to add that I don't put beer before my babies...ever! but I kept my mouth shut on that.

He started fussing about wanting to put his things on the truck with mine. I told him the truck I got is the economy size. No room bud, sorry.

He pouted about not having enough money for a trailor of his own. I'd been trying to get him to go to the Uhaul place and check them out, he probably only needs a little tag-a-long, but no, can't be bothered. I told him he could afford it, but he'd have to cut back on what he's been spending and not blow through what he has left. He has all but spent a small portion of his moving money.

I told him he could go at any time and can make more than one trip if he wanted to drive down tomorrow. It's four hours when traffic's good. He said he might have to do that because he just can't afford it any other way. (A tiny violin is playing...can you hear it?)

Now that's just stupid...You have the money but you are so torn with whether to spend the money on a Uhaul to move your things or drink yourself stupid, and you're choosing to drink yourself stupid.

I new I would leave eventually, I just never knew when that would happen and how. I feel at peace with the decisions I've made thus far to just pack it in now rather than move somewhere else and try to extracate myself from him then.

I know I will just never understand the irrational decisions he makes.

Can't wait to take a nap in peace. Can't wait to ride my horses without him yelling from the fenceline. Can't wait to scrape the eggshells from the bottom of my shoes.

I can't wait.

suki44883

Good for you! Just a few more days...hang in there!

Jadmack25

Relapse?? No way was that a codie relapse. It was you taking action to get a monkey off your back, and IT WORKED didn't it. NO more monkey for you, it belongs where it is, with him and he can have it.

Well done and all the best for your move and a new life.

ItsmeAlice

Thanks for that Jadmack!

There have been a few more instances where I have felt like jumping in and saving him from himself. His idea of finally packing up his belongings has been to throw a lot of things away.

When he started going through the things I had already placed in boxes (I found it easier to sort DVDs and books by putting them in boxes with our names on them), I was PO'd. Not only did he throw away some rather expensive box sets I had bought for him, but he just assumed I wouldn't want them either. I salvaged them out of the trash and stacked up a bunch of movies for a friend that I knew would be appreciative to receive any we didn't want. I pointed out a box I had clearly marked for items to go charity and reminded him that there are plenty of people who could use the items. His response was to say "F*** them."

If I haven't learned you can't change a leopard's spots by now, I guess I'll never learn.

For the moment, he out of the house having made an initial trip to move items to his new place. I've been enjoying the peace and wrapping up the last of my packing. Soon I'll be loading the truck and all the pets and will make my wild ride out of here.

I was thinking earlier today, what on earth am I going to do with myself once I don't have this drama to focus on day in and day out.....Oh, the possibilities are endless!!

TakingCharge999

Oh Itsmealice if any grief strikes you out of the blue when you are finally moving out, remember all of us who have been in your shoes jumping without a net and how wonderful things have turned out for us...granted not perfect but I know I am not alone saying it does get so much better even while carrying a nightmarish part of the past in your heart.

Mourning may be a drag... or perhaps instead of mourning you feel better as you have already mourned the person you knew all this time.. anyhow remember there are many great things to come, 100% ADDICTION-FREE!

I love that feeling, when you realize your life is YOUR LIFE and that it is great and there are many gifts, daily, that are for you and you only, and you start waking up and finding joy in the simplest things like SILENCE! I love silence... it is so meaningful now.

Bernadette

Can't wait to scrape the eggshells from the bottom of my shoes.

LOVE this!!! LOL!
b

vicarious

Hi Alice. I'm new here, so I'm blundering around, but I did see a comment you left on another thread where you wrote:
That sounds so much like my experience. It's taken me until, oh, maybe two years ago to stop feeling like I was insane. I was tortured by this idea that I was a terrible person, that I had some evil need to fabricate a sense of reality in which I suspected that perhaps my family was not quite as perfect as I was constantly told it was. Because if, in fact, nothing was really wrong (even though deep in my heart I could feel things were terribly amiss), what sort of child did that make me? Certainly not a good, loving daughter.

I learned to shove my feelings down so far it's taken a lot for me to be able to find them, and then try to sort them out. I'm still an emotional idiot.

Thank you for sharing that bit. It helps to know I wasn't the only one walking around wondering why I was such a contrary little girl when all I really wanted to do was be able to trust the world around me at face value.

ItsmeAlice

Vicarious -
I absolutely get what you mean. I had this overwhelming inner rage as a child. I felt like I was always pointing out the truth in things and being told "oh, that's not true" and "don't be silly."

No one would listen. No one would validate my feelings. The sky could be blue and they would intentionally argue the point. I felt terminally frustrated and alone.

Nothing has changed since I became an adult. In fact, the only choice I could make was to back away from my family and only return on my terms. When I did return it was with my STBXABF in tow. He made being around them bearable. He saw their behavior the way I did. They would ask me a question seemingly interested in my work or me and then immediately turn away and ignore me when I began speaking to answer them. He was flabbergasted. That validation was everything to me!

In time, I came to feel the same sense of inner rage over the insanity that is his alcohol addiction. I would point out what I thought was something obvious such as you spent $xxx amount on beer this week. We can't afford the electric bill now. He would so adminant in denying the truth that I there was nothing I could say.

Now, I am back to the same old choice where I have to back away from him the way I did my family.