MissFixit

Hi.

This topic is about boundaries in any relationship not just with A's.

I have a good family friend who has repeatedly told my father about personal things I said to her in private. She is not malicious and I know she means well, but I have told her in the past to please not talk about certian things with him. She has anyway. My father and I have an up and down relationship as it is, and the things she said to him in recent months, he apparently stored up to yell at me about in one sitting. He was quite degrading to me. His words to me are not her fault at all, but the fact that she repeatedly "gossips" to him about me for whatever reason is her fault. I am obviously responsible for telling her anything to begin with. I left her a message after my father's outburst that I was hurt and couldn't believe what she had said to him.

The only thing I know to do is to distance myself from her. I miss talking with her, but feel relief that what I would be telling her is not going out to other people.

She has left me two messages since then (almost 3 weeks), but I don't have the stomach to talk with her right now. I do not want to hurt her as she has been a wonderful friend, but I have enough garbage to sift through without adding another problem to the mix. I don't know what to say if anything.

Miss

Startingover2

I have found that some people just like drama....especially at other expense.

Your friend doesn't seem like much of a friend if you tell her not to share your words with anyone else and she still does it. I would definatley keep my distance there and not tell her anything you wouldn't put up on a billboard!

kj3880

You can be her friend without telling her your secrets. We all have a friend like that. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, she just has a big mouth. All relationships have limitations. This one just has to have this limitation: tell her nothing you don't want dad to know about. Should still be able to be friends, right?

love,
KJ

MissFixit

Thank you Starting over.

I feel guilty not returning her calls. I don't want to be the bad guy in this and I feel like by not calling her back, I am being rude, immature or mean. Until I find balance for myself, I do not want to have people around me who I have to handle. BUT, I don't want to hurt people like her who have been great friends.

I have avoided dealing with this for several weeks. However, she called and left a message saying that she had called before and didn't hear back from me. What is the healthy way to respond?

Still Waters

Tell her you're pi$$ed off that she ran her mouth where she had no business doing it??

(okay, maybe I'm not very tactful)

MissFixit

Thanks Kj. I can be her friend without telling her my intimate thoughts, but she and I have told each other everything for so many years, that I don't want a change within me to be weird or uncomfortable.

Thanks Stillwaters. Not sure that response will solicit the best reaction, but I agree that maybe I should mention why I haven't spoken to her.

I HATE confrontation. I wish this would just disappear. Now who is living in fantasy land?

Still Waters

I hate confrontation also MissFixit, but avoidance hasn't worked out all that well for me either.

GiveLove

...and that sounds like a good idea. She obviously hasn't a clue about what is appropriate to pass on, and what isn't. Any relationship with her will involve "keep it light and fluffy", never saying anything that you don't want your father, or others, to hear. Is that what you call friendship?

No. No she hasn't.

But aside from that - if you have already told her you were upset about what she shared with your father, and she's playing innocent like "Why haven't I heard from you?", then you just need to hold your ground until she finally gets a clue (see clueless above) The alternative is to call her & leave a message asking her to let you work through your feelings, and not to contact you again. But just letting her calls go to voicemail, and erasing them, might be the easier course. Or dropping her a note via the mail. You've already explained yourself once.

I am bad at ignoring calls too, missfixit, so I really empathize with you. My stepmother repeatedly calls me because a)she has no life and b)no one wants to talk to her because she is astoundingly narcissistic. (I talked to her when I'd just gotten out of the Emergency Room a few weeks ago, and when I told her where I'd been, she went on to let me know about the thousands she just spent on her new kitchen....:rolleyes )

It's hard, but it's all part of "choosing your people wisely" in order to get truly healthy. Out with the bad, in with the good.

I'll keep working at it if you do!

kj3880

Yeah, I probably wouldn't want to lose a friend just if they have this one character defect, but otherwise are good company, kind, loving to me.

I have just such a girl in my network now. She is only 20 and has a big ole mouth! She's known in our area of NA for it. But she is also thoughtful, kind, loving, and generous. She'd give a friend the shirt off of her back, and she's always willing to talk when I'm in a crisis. I do watch what I tell her, though.

I have made her aware of this character defect by telling her "It was hard for me to face so-and-so after you'd told him x,y,z that I said about him. A lot of what I tell you is only because we are so close, not for public consumption. Can you make sure you keep my conversations just between me and you from now on? See, I'm close to you, not to most other people, so I tell you a lot of things I don't want anyone else to know." It turned out she was unaware that she was hurting me by gossipping. She had thought she was just casually remarking on me to a mutual friend out of concern.

But now that I've made her formally aware, she's been better. Not perfect, but better. I can't afford to kick out people from my network right now for not being perfect, as I have my own flaws, and plenty of them...lol

Love,
KJ

MissFixit

Thanks Givelove and Kj.

My fault in this is that I allowed my boundaries to be crossed with this person for years. It has been an on again off again struggle with this one person. She has had similar issues with other friends who have had to distance themselves because of her gossip hurting them. She is so nice, but just loves to chat and get involved in other's business. Funny thing. She confides in me and others, but I have never and they have never (to my knowledge) gossiped about her. Strange.

Anyway, I feel that writing a note is probably a good idea. I don't want this to be a big deal, so maybe an email is less formal. Just saying hey, got your messages, glad all is well with you...

sandrawg

IMO you don't have to distance yourself from her; just quit telling her things you wouldn't want your dad to know.

If you have a burning need to spill those things to someone, choose a different friend.