Feeling Abandoned
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Feeling Abandoned
This is a long one: please bear with me. It's a terrible way to introduce myself, though I have been commenting on others' threads. It's just that I am feeling so discouraged and would so appreciate a response from you all out there...
The following is an excerpt from my blog:
In many ways, I have felt alone all my life. When I was growing up, my father (the one who was most abusive - at least verbally/psychologically and physically) was the one that gave me attention and affection. My mother seemed to provide for my physical needs.
By the time I was about 10 years old, after an argument between my mother and father about the way he was harshly "disciplining" the children, Dad announced that he was going to wash his hands of it then and wouldn't have anything to do with our discipline. He closed the door to their bedroom, and I barely saw him after that. His interaction with us was minimal, and he no longer wanted to be a part of the decision-making for our lives.
As I grew into my teenage years, and became troubled with the things I faced at that time - there was no one in the family that I could talk to. I could not talk to my mother or my father, confide in them, or rely on their guidance. They were not there for me emotionally. This was particularly difficult for me when I was around the age of 14, because at that time, I had started a new school, my "best friend" had decided to ditch me, and my remaining friendships were superficial. I was fortunate enough to have my sister-in-law to go to, which kept me sane, but did not stop all the stress-related illness I had at that time: migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, gastric reflux. I felt very anxious and depressed.
There have been moments in my life where I have experienced true friendship and support, but overall, I feel like my adult life has been spent surrounded by people, or involved in things where I was serving or giving to others, but not experiencing the kind of friendship or support where I truly felt people were there for me if I needed them.
I am going through something dreadful at this time: I am having enormous trouble in my relationship with my husband, we are separated after 6 months of marriage, and I am 24 weeks pregnant. All my siblings live overseas, but in any case 2/3 have not been in touch to see how I am, even though they know about the situation, and the remaining one I've had minimal contact with and the bare minimum discussion about it beyond my informing him what had happened. My father has been his usual unhelpful self, and my mother telephones me perhaps once a week to see how I am (in usual circumstances she might get in touch with me once every month or so - she usually does not make much of an effort!)
The few friends I do have that "care about me" don't call me to see how I am, don't drop by to see if there is anything they can do - I just arrange to meet up with them every now and then. The new church I joined prior to all of this happening has asked me to step down from leading a group of girls in a church homegroup (not because I was now a 'separated woman' but apparently for my own benefit so that I could concentrate on my marriage and getting over what had happened) and the brand new adult homegroup I had been attending just as a participant where I was hoping to gain friendship and Christian fellowship, has fizzled out - so that I feel no real sense of belonging or support from them. My circumstances (too complicated and mundane to explain) prevent me from joining a different homegroup - and I don't want to have to explain to them the same way as I explained to the last group why I was not attending the group with my husband. I don't want to have to explain to a bunch of strangers about my private life.
I feel abandoned by my husband (even though it is my boundary-setting that keeps him away), abandoned by my family, abandoned by my friends, and abandoned by my church in my time of need. The weekly support I get are all agencies: Al Anon or support groups or counselling. They receive Government funding, or I pay them to give me support - or they are strangers to me. I feel alone as I have always felt alone - except when I had my husband's support - but sometimes even then. I don't have a lot of support in my life. Last time I had a great deal of stress and crises in my life, I became clinically depressed because of the nature of my relationship with my husband (then boyfriend) - he was drinking and had not attended rehab at that time - and did not have any support. Realistically, what has changed?
Why has this not changed for me? It's not for lack of reaching out... Is it that I reach out to the wrong people? And don't reach out to the right people? Is it that it is hard to make friendships when you are in your 30's or in a big city? Is it that I choose/attract the wrong people to become friends with? Or that I put people off somehow? Do people just want to know about the good things happening in my life and not the crappy stuff? Are people not good at being a friend to someone else anymore? Am I not a good friend to others? Why hasn't this situation changed for me?
The following is an excerpt from my blog:
In many ways, I have felt alone all my life. When I was growing up, my father (the one who was most abusive - at least verbally/psychologically and physically) was the one that gave me attention and affection. My mother seemed to provide for my physical needs.
By the time I was about 10 years old, after an argument between my mother and father about the way he was harshly "disciplining" the children, Dad announced that he was going to wash his hands of it then and wouldn't have anything to do with our discipline. He closed the door to their bedroom, and I barely saw him after that. His interaction with us was minimal, and he no longer wanted to be a part of the decision-making for our lives.
As I grew into my teenage years, and became troubled with the things I faced at that time - there was no one in the family that I could talk to. I could not talk to my mother or my father, confide in them, or rely on their guidance. They were not there for me emotionally. This was particularly difficult for me when I was around the age of 14, because at that time, I had started a new school, my "best friend" had decided to ditch me, and my remaining friendships were superficial. I was fortunate enough to have my sister-in-law to go to, which kept me sane, but did not stop all the stress-related illness I had at that time: migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, gastric reflux. I felt very anxious and depressed.
There have been moments in my life where I have experienced true friendship and support, but overall, I feel like my adult life has been spent surrounded by people, or involved in things where I was serving or giving to others, but not experiencing the kind of friendship or support where I truly felt people were there for me if I needed them.
I am going through something dreadful at this time: I am having enormous trouble in my relationship with my husband, we are separated after 6 months of marriage, and I am 24 weeks pregnant. All my siblings live overseas, but in any case 2/3 have not been in touch to see how I am, even though they know about the situation, and the remaining one I've had minimal contact with and the bare minimum discussion about it beyond my informing him what had happened. My father has been his usual unhelpful self, and my mother telephones me perhaps once a week to see how I am (in usual circumstances she might get in touch with me once every month or so - she usually does not make much of an effort!)
The few friends I do have that "care about me" don't call me to see how I am, don't drop by to see if there is anything they can do - I just arrange to meet up with them every now and then. The new church I joined prior to all of this happening has asked me to step down from leading a group of girls in a church homegroup (not because I was now a 'separated woman' but apparently for my own benefit so that I could concentrate on my marriage and getting over what had happened) and the brand new adult homegroup I had been attending just as a participant where I was hoping to gain friendship and Christian fellowship, has fizzled out - so that I feel no real sense of belonging or support from them. My circumstances (too complicated and mundane to explain) prevent me from joining a different homegroup - and I don't want to have to explain to them the same way as I explained to the last group why I was not attending the group with my husband. I don't want to have to explain to a bunch of strangers about my private life.
I feel abandoned by my husband (even though it is my boundary-setting that keeps him away), abandoned by my family, abandoned by my friends, and abandoned by my church in my time of need. The weekly support I get are all agencies: Al Anon or support groups or counselling. They receive Government funding, or I pay them to give me support - or they are strangers to me. I feel alone as I have always felt alone - except when I had my husband's support - but sometimes even then. I don't have a lot of support in my life. Last time I had a great deal of stress and crises in my life, I became clinically depressed because of the nature of my relationship with my husband (then boyfriend) - he was drinking and had not attended rehab at that time - and did not have any support. Realistically, what has changed?
Why has this not changed for me? It's not for lack of reaching out... Is it that I reach out to the wrong people? And don't reach out to the right people? Is it that it is hard to make friendships when you are in your 30's or in a big city? Is it that I choose/attract the wrong people to become friends with? Or that I put people off somehow? Do people just want to know about the good things happening in my life and not the crappy stuff? Are people not good at being a friend to someone else anymore? Am I not a good friend to others? Why hasn't this situation changed for me?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Beginner,
Thank you for taking the time to share your personal story with us. I am sorry that you did not have the support, love and attention you needed in your family home during your formative years. I understand why you feel abandoned.
I grew up in a similar situation. I am a little older than you are now. My parents are now deceased. I was able to forgive them, but it took time.
Your self esteem has been beaten down. Is that being addressed by your counselor? I am not in a position to pay for counseling and don't qualify for aide. I have found self-help books, al anon meetings, this website and meditation helpful in learning to love myself. I have really enjoyed the positive affirmations in this book: "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. I have also learned that I am co-dependant and am learning to cope with that with the help of this website and Melody Beatty's books on Codependancy.
You mentioned Al Anon as one of the groups you attend. If you still feel like they are strangers to you, maybe you can find another group. I have visited different groups, and they are largely based on the demographic for that community. i.e., retired community, yuppie community, baby boomers, etc...I really like the wisdom of the retired community I attended! Maybe explore a few different meetings.
Your feeling of abandonment didn't happen overnight, and it will take time to pull yourself up and begin to realize that love is everywhere, that you are loving and you are lovable! It's there, don't give up. Keep reaching out!
Thank you for taking the time to share your personal story with us. I am sorry that you did not have the support, love and attention you needed in your family home during your formative years. I understand why you feel abandoned.
I grew up in a similar situation. I am a little older than you are now. My parents are now deceased. I was able to forgive them, but it took time.
Your self esteem has been beaten down. Is that being addressed by your counselor? I am not in a position to pay for counseling and don't qualify for aide. I have found self-help books, al anon meetings, this website and meditation helpful in learning to love myself. I have really enjoyed the positive affirmations in this book: "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. I have also learned that I am co-dependant and am learning to cope with that with the help of this website and Melody Beatty's books on Codependancy.
You mentioned Al Anon as one of the groups you attend. If you still feel like they are strangers to you, maybe you can find another group. I have visited different groups, and they are largely based on the demographic for that community. i.e., retired community, yuppie community, baby boomers, etc...I really like the wisdom of the retired community I attended! Maybe explore a few different meetings.
Your feeling of abandonment didn't happen overnight, and it will take time to pull yourself up and begin to realize that love is everywhere, that you are loving and you are lovable! It's there, don't give up. Keep reaching out!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I don't know honey 
I know for me, right now, I am concentrating really hard on loving myself, living for today, and trusting the process. I have come to believe that the rough spots in our lives serve a purpose. That we are to learn lessons from them, and they are to be endured with open eyes and acceptance rather than struggled through kicking and fighting.
I also believe that your emotional well being while pregnant has an effect on your child. So it is important to try and turn your love inward, towards that baby and yourself. Find pleasure in things like gardening, reading, music, art, etc.
Be excited and happy you are pregnant because I can guarantee you, babies are gifts, and you will never be alone again once you are a mother. When I became pregnant I was using, unemployed, and homeless. I did everything in my power to create a healthy womb, including avoiding negative thoughts when I could, eating right, and relaxing. My daughter was and is the best thing ever to come in to my life. Congratulations and hugs.
I know for me, right now, I am concentrating really hard on loving myself, living for today, and trusting the process. I have come to believe that the rough spots in our lives serve a purpose. That we are to learn lessons from them, and they are to be endured with open eyes and acceptance rather than struggled through kicking and fighting.I also believe that your emotional well being while pregnant has an effect on your child. So it is important to try and turn your love inward, towards that baby and yourself. Find pleasure in things like gardening, reading, music, art, etc.
Be excited and happy you are pregnant because I can guarantee you, babies are gifts, and you will never be alone again once you are a mother. When I became pregnant I was using, unemployed, and homeless. I did everything in my power to create a healthy womb, including avoiding negative thoughts when I could, eating right, and relaxing. My daughter was and is the best thing ever to come in to my life. Congratulations and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
When I hit my codie bottom, I never felt so alone. But as I emerged, I realized I had been isolating myself. I'm not sure how, but after just focusing on myself and my inner peace for a while, that notion just came to me. I made my priorities, including peace, happiness, serenity, friendship, socializing. When I put them in order of what to work on first, all the ones about me were at the top of the list. Then the rest seemed to fall into place. I realized I didn't need anyone to make me happy, that was my responsiblity alone. But as I started coming out of my shell, so to speak, there were people there. Bonus.
Congratulations on the baby! Parenthood has been my opportunity to "do it right", as opposed to how ah and I had it as kids. There's nothing like it in the world!
Congratulations on the baby! Parenthood has been my opportunity to "do it right", as opposed to how ah and I had it as kids. There's nothing like it in the world!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi there!
We support you!
Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? She addresses how we get into situations where others' needs are met and our's are not. This too has been a pattern for me.
I image your hormones are raging right now with the pregnancy, so however you are feeling is likely magnified. A counsellor is a great idea. I saw one and hopt to see one again soon. He helped me immensely understand how to care for myself and not place so much focus on other's helping me. I would be a great world if everyone we cared for cared back just as much, but that is not always the case. So, sometimes we have to learn self care. I am doing that right now too. It is lonely sometimes, but there is a sense of liberation by taking care of yourself.
Please keep posting.
Hugs
Miss
We support you!
Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? She addresses how we get into situations where others' needs are met and our's are not. This too has been a pattern for me.
I image your hormones are raging right now with the pregnancy, so however you are feeling is likely magnified. A counsellor is a great idea. I saw one and hopt to see one again soon. He helped me immensely understand how to care for myself and not place so much focus on other's helping me. I would be a great world if everyone we cared for cared back just as much, but that is not always the case. So, sometimes we have to learn self care. I am doing that right now too. It is lonely sometimes, but there is a sense of liberation by taking care of yourself.
Please keep posting.
Hugs
Miss
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I grew up in similar circumstances, and for me, I know that expectations were my worst enemy.
I expected my family of origin to care enough to do X, Y, or Z. I expected my church to be a certain way. I expected to have friendships look a certain way in my life. And for the first 40 years of my life, I was disappointed time and time again, because the vision I had in my head was just not matching up with what was in front of me. Expectations -- even expectations that seemed normal and reasonable to me -- just about did me in.
And I asked myself all of the same questions.
I could fill pages with how I eventually got myself out of that morass and into a healthy, happy place, but I don't want to bore you. It was years of small steps, small improvements made by releasing the wrong people and putting more effort into finding the right ones. But I can give you the keystone to this: I found a good counselor (after several false starts) and was clear about what I wanted/hoped my life would look like, and asked him to help me get there, day by day.
In my thirties, I felt angry, sad, and abandoned by everyone. But doing this inner work really turned things around for me. I couldn't have done it alone -- have you explored working with someone to help you get firmly on track before the baby is born?
You may find that some simple changes in how you communicate your needs to other people might make all the difference in the world in how they interact with you. I know that was the case for me. Slowly releasing my expectations of how things are "supposed" to be helped too...but that's a bit harder.
Beginner, remember that this is just a room you're passing through in life. You will not feel this way forever. I hope you will keep coming back here. We want to support you through this, and help you craft a life that makes you happy to be alive.
I expected my family of origin to care enough to do X, Y, or Z. I expected my church to be a certain way. I expected to have friendships look a certain way in my life. And for the first 40 years of my life, I was disappointed time and time again, because the vision I had in my head was just not matching up with what was in front of me. Expectations -- even expectations that seemed normal and reasonable to me -- just about did me in.
And I asked myself all of the same questions.
I could fill pages with how I eventually got myself out of that morass and into a healthy, happy place, but I don't want to bore you. It was years of small steps, small improvements made by releasing the wrong people and putting more effort into finding the right ones. But I can give you the keystone to this: I found a good counselor (after several false starts) and was clear about what I wanted/hoped my life would look like, and asked him to help me get there, day by day.
In my thirties, I felt angry, sad, and abandoned by everyone. But doing this inner work really turned things around for me. I couldn't have done it alone -- have you explored working with someone to help you get firmly on track before the baby is born?
You may find that some simple changes in how you communicate your needs to other people might make all the difference in the world in how they interact with you. I know that was the case for me. Slowly releasing my expectations of how things are "supposed" to be helped too...but that's a bit harder.
Beginner, remember that this is just a room you're passing through in life. You will not feel this way forever. I hope you will keep coming back here. We want to support you through this, and help you craft a life that makes you happy to be alive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Thank you for all your comments, I appreciate it. Normally it doesn't get to me - except when something happens that disappoints me. Life is normally busy enough that I don't notice all of this - but I am at this time.
I sort of wonder whether I am recreating my family experience again and again somehow... if that's true I wish I knew how and how to change it. Give Love: if you are prepared to "bore me" with your journey in this, I would not be bored but appreciative
Thanks all...
I sort of wonder whether I am recreating my family experience again and again somehow... if that's true I wish I knew how and how to change it. Give Love: if you are prepared to "bore me" with your journey in this, I would not be bored but appreciative
Thanks all...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
I spent my whole life feeling alone and rejected. Whilst I was always there for others I kept a defensive brick wall around me. Self preservation. When I got involved with my alcoholic ex I found someone else who felt the same way and let my barriers down. Huge mistake but actually in the long run it has made me face up to my deep seated issues.
Life sounds difficult at the moment. Please be kind to yourself. What has helped me more than anything was attending counselling. It was only then when I realised that I kept people at arms length as opposed to them abandoning me.
Life sounds difficult at the moment. Please be kind to yourself. What has helped me more than anything was attending counselling. It was only then when I realised that I kept people at arms length as opposed to them abandoning me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 113
Hi
I'm about a month ahead of you. I'm seven months pregnant.
I'm with my partner but we are not married.
All I wanted to say is that I don't know if it is being pregnant that has brought lots of these thoughts to the surface, but I too feel a little let down by those around me, especially my parents and friends.
I too have spent a long time reaching out to people, supporting them. Since I have become pregnant, this has not been returned and it hurts.
I have also pushed my parents away and kept contact to a minimum. This is my doing. I often get carried away with thoughts about how I have been treated by them in the past.
I don't know if it's to do with pregnancy and bringing a child into the world, but it has raised a lot of issues with me concerning how those act around me.
I don't know if this helps and I hope you fel better soon.
x
I'm about a month ahead of you. I'm seven months pregnant.
I'm with my partner but we are not married.
All I wanted to say is that I don't know if it is being pregnant that has brought lots of these thoughts to the surface, but I too feel a little let down by those around me, especially my parents and friends.
I too have spent a long time reaching out to people, supporting them. Since I have become pregnant, this has not been returned and it hurts.
I have also pushed my parents away and kept contact to a minimum. This is my doing. I often get carried away with thoughts about how I have been treated by them in the past.
I don't know if it's to do with pregnancy and bringing a child into the world, but it has raised a lot of issues with me concerning how those act around me.
I don't know if this helps and I hope you fel better soon.
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Here is an update from another thread I had posted here:
Well, I have had "the big reaction". Tonight I got a message from facebook saying that my husband had changed his status from being married to me to "it's complicated." Naturally I phoned him up (I really did not want all my friends and family to see that status change and wondered where he was coming from). He informed me that he'd had enough of our marriage - that it was over and he was going to get a divorce. He also said that I had lied to our pastor (by telling him he was an alcoholic).
Talk about punishing me for making a boundary! He was in a foul temper tonight. He told me that I was a horrible person and that I had always been horrible to him, and that I fell out with everyone (he listed everyone I fell out with) and how I never looked at myself. And I need to take a long hard look at myself. And he told me that he had deleted all my family from his facebook page as well as deleted me as one of his "friends" on facebook. He said that he wished he didn't have to have anything more to do with me but unfortunately because of our son he would have to deal with me for the rest of his life. And he finished by yelling that I made him sick.
It was terrible. I am gutted at his words, and devastated that he is talking about divorce and how he feels about me, etc. My husband has always talked crap when he is angry, but I have always believed it - because I very rarely say things I don't mean. He says things he doesn't mean all the time, including his plans to change or to commit to something or whatever....
All this because I asked him to leave at the advice someone gave me because I had made a boundary that 1) I needed space, and 2) he needed to arrange it first before coming around??
It seems to destroy any hope I had of him being at a stage where he might be ready to get help for himself - or motivated to change in order to have his family back. As someone else described their husband/partner who's a dry-drunk, he's a complete a$%hole.
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I have ante-natal classes starting in two weeks. With him speaking to me like this and treating me like he hates me - who can I turn to to be my birthing partner now? The only person I would have felt good about having there in the delivery room and a support to me at such a vulnerable, intimate time is my sister-in-law. But she left to go and live in Wales several months ago (to live).
I just have no one I really feel I can turn to that I can trust or that I would really want to have there for support. I don't want to have to turn to a stranger or someone I don't know really well at such an important time. I am just so devastated at everything. I don't even have anyone to take me to the hospital when I go into labour.
Well, I have had "the big reaction". Tonight I got a message from facebook saying that my husband had changed his status from being married to me to "it's complicated." Naturally I phoned him up (I really did not want all my friends and family to see that status change and wondered where he was coming from). He informed me that he'd had enough of our marriage - that it was over and he was going to get a divorce. He also said that I had lied to our pastor (by telling him he was an alcoholic).
Talk about punishing me for making a boundary! He was in a foul temper tonight. He told me that I was a horrible person and that I had always been horrible to him, and that I fell out with everyone (he listed everyone I fell out with) and how I never looked at myself. And I need to take a long hard look at myself. And he told me that he had deleted all my family from his facebook page as well as deleted me as one of his "friends" on facebook. He said that he wished he didn't have to have anything more to do with me but unfortunately because of our son he would have to deal with me for the rest of his life. And he finished by yelling that I made him sick.
It was terrible. I am gutted at his words, and devastated that he is talking about divorce and how he feels about me, etc. My husband has always talked crap when he is angry, but I have always believed it - because I very rarely say things I don't mean. He says things he doesn't mean all the time, including his plans to change or to commit to something or whatever....
All this because I asked him to leave at the advice someone gave me because I had made a boundary that 1) I needed space, and 2) he needed to arrange it first before coming around??
It seems to destroy any hope I had of him being at a stage where he might be ready to get help for himself - or motivated to change in order to have his family back. As someone else described their husband/partner who's a dry-drunk, he's a complete a$%hole.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have ante-natal classes starting in two weeks. With him speaking to me like this and treating me like he hates me - who can I turn to to be my birthing partner now? The only person I would have felt good about having there in the delivery room and a support to me at such a vulnerable, intimate time is my sister-in-law. But she left to go and live in Wales several months ago (to live).
I just have no one I really feel I can turn to that I can trust or that I would really want to have there for support. I don't want to have to turn to a stranger or someone I don't know really well at such an important time. I am just so devastated at everything. I don't even have anyone to take me to the hospital when I go into labour.
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