Don't think I can take it any more.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
You can't take it out. You simply can't. You might have withheld the information from us, but we have enough information to go on--not to mention, we all know how alcoholics behave. Their behavior is so similar, it's like TEXTBOOK.
We've all been subject to the same blame game. The same denial. The same self-obsession and chaos.
Sorry, you can't really hide anything here.
We've all been subject to the same blame game. The same denial. The same self-obsession and chaos.
Sorry, you can't really hide anything here.
Originally Posted by Despr8 
Wow, you all have given me so much to think about. I was seeking some groundtruthing and I am getting it. Thank you.
I wonder what the reactions would have been if I hadn't mentioned the drinking and driving incident specifically? Would it be, he sounds like a decent guy who is trying, give him another chance?
I know I said a version of this before, but he is such a sweet, decent guy 29 days out of 30, that it's so hard to remember during those 29 days that 1) day 30 keeps coming back and 2) it's a problem. It's like I just can't believe it's true/happens. I guess that's denial.
I know I deserve a lot of the words I'm getting here that feel harsh. It's funny, because when I read about what some other people have put up with, I think, that's crazy, I would never put up with that! Take out the drinking & driving and he's not THAT bad. But I guess that's minimizing.
I wonder what the reactions would have been if I hadn't mentioned the drinking and driving incident specifically? Would it be, he sounds like a decent guy who is trying, give him another chance?
I know I said a version of this before, but he is such a sweet, decent guy 29 days out of 30, that it's so hard to remember during those 29 days that 1) day 30 keeps coming back and 2) it's a problem. It's like I just can't believe it's true/happens. I guess that's denial.
I know I deserve a lot of the words I'm getting here that feel harsh. It's funny, because when I read about what some other people have put up with, I think, that's crazy, I would never put up with that! Take out the drinking & driving and he's not THAT bad. But I guess that's minimizing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
that 95% doesn't make the 5% any less terrible than it actually is
Things are always good when they're good. Doesn't change what is acceptable behavior when things are bad. Unacceptable is also always unacceptable. So is dangerous.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
So he's a sweetheart 29 days out of 30? It's that 30th day that's the problem. It's the 30th day that he's going to get into a car wreck from driving drunk. It's that 30th day that you should be very wary of. And 29 days of being sweet doesn't compensdate for one day of being drunk and irresponsible.
Your husband is an alcoholic. He's in denial about it. He doesn't want to stop drinking. The reason he doesn't like AA? The program is a no-nonsense approach to total abstinence. He goes to meetings to placate you, not to stop drinking.
There is nothing you can do to change your husband's behavior. That's something only he can do and it's apparent that he doesn't want to, at least not yet. Maybe never.
You have to look out for yourself and your child. If he wants to throw a pity party because you're going to al-anon, that's his problem. Don't let him try to throw a guilt trip on you.
I offer this advice because at one time I was your husband. I was sweet for 29 days out of 30. But that became 20 out of 30. Then 3 days out of 30. Alcoholism is progressive - my drinking got worse and worse. My marraige fell apart, which is the best thing that could have happened to my ex-wife. The woman who divorced me wasn't the woman I married, and that was my fault. But by the grace of God I eventually got back into AA. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I had tried it years before to keep the wife happy, I didn't like it. But I knew it was the only way to get sober, and years later I went back with a whole new attitude. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could convince me to get sober. I had to make that decision on my own. I only wish I had made it 20 years earlier.
Your husband is an alcoholic. He's in denial about it. He doesn't want to stop drinking. The reason he doesn't like AA? The program is a no-nonsense approach to total abstinence. He goes to meetings to placate you, not to stop drinking.
There is nothing you can do to change your husband's behavior. That's something only he can do and it's apparent that he doesn't want to, at least not yet. Maybe never.
You have to look out for yourself and your child. If he wants to throw a pity party because you're going to al-anon, that's his problem. Don't let him try to throw a guilt trip on you.
I offer this advice because at one time I was your husband. I was sweet for 29 days out of 30. But that became 20 out of 30. Then 3 days out of 30. Alcoholism is progressive - my drinking got worse and worse. My marraige fell apart, which is the best thing that could have happened to my ex-wife. The woman who divorced me wasn't the woman I married, and that was my fault. But by the grace of God I eventually got back into AA. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I had tried it years before to keep the wife happy, I didn't like it. But I knew it was the only way to get sober, and years later I went back with a whole new attitude. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could convince me to get sober. I had to make that decision on my own. I only wish I had made it 20 years earlier.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Heck, if it weren't for my age, weight, and gray hair, I would be a fashion model!
L
L
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyotes
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Despre8,
I'm sorry, but his pattern is not unusual at all. We have the "functional" alcoholic and I will add with a conscious to pay the bills and be faithful in the marriage bed. This, minus everything else he is giving to alcohol instead of to you and his family does not make for a "faithful" partner/husband.
I am presently getting divorced. I will be legally married 22 years in August to a man who has never cheated on me, has been at the same labor job for 23 years, no DUIs, no abuse of money, ( still) brings me flowers, mows the lawn, cares for the cars and during his "good" years partnered with me to raise our 4 kids and a niece. I am sure we would have similar lists of what he hasn't done too.
You mentioned he wasn't abusive, yet you say he is moody, holds resentments,blames and has driven with your daughter drunk. These are all forms of abuse. Often we don't recognize it as abuse because it is often passive and/or we didn't understand this is what abuse is, or until we are so worn down we recognize and/or admit we are actually a victim of abuse. Once one recognizes one is actually a victim to abuses one can choose to step beyond that abuse and choose what one "volunteers" for. YOu never volunteer for abuse, you volunteer for what part of your life you will let remain involved in his life. Once abuse is recognized for what it is you can then choose to put yourself in a situation where you know you will most likely be victimized or you can choose to remove yourself from the line of fire. It is your responsibility to remove your children from the line of fire once you recognize it. As children they don't have a choice to the degree they are will to put themselves in the line of fire for abuse. example: they don't get to choose when Dad picks them up and puts them in the car seat ,at the age of 3.5, to not get in the car if he is drunk. They need you to protect them for the best chance not to be a victim to that.
I am in no way being harsh. :-) I am writing from the perspective of having a similar life. I lasted this long in our marriage for 3 reasons, one he is a good guy alcoholic, I had joy in life until I was worn out with being married without a partner, and the other is me being wrong that I could divorce him for this as a christian. I think you don't recognize the abuse yet. My hope is that you will recognize this and you are set free to, at the least, be confident. Be confident that you can still know there is a "good guy" under the alcoholism but you can take action to live your life and protect your kids lives from the present ' not so good' behaviors of your husband.
You having to make decisions that will hurt him are consequences to his decisions of not being the "faithful" partner of marriage. You would be acting, not reacting, to protect yourself and your children to the hurt of his abuse.
Just to note: When I finally brought forward the consequences in the way of telling him I was going to get a divorce, this "good guy" alcoholic turned into a mad man for about 8 weeks and then another 4 weeks of a deep depression. I gave him a chance after that , he quit for 16 days. Now he won't even return to AA. He is so lonely now,( he is learning what we went through, what abandonment feels like when his family had to detach) he started smoking, actually made a "date" with a woman at work to talk,( he cancelled it though) and has started calling his family on the phone all the time. HIs most recent thing since he is not "hiding" his drinking anymore is that he has quit drinking vodka and it back to drinking a lot of beer. You see he says it all doesn't matter since i am going to divorce him anyway, he says he has no hope. This is the final blame game. When we are responsible for their "hope" we are only in the way of them hitting bottom. Obviously, being a faithful wife , being their, supporting that you see a "good guy" in there, a home, a job a family isn't "enough." Is it possible it may be time to surrender him over to someone else, someone more then human, someone who loves him more then even you do? Is it time for you to surrender too, the strength to let go and be encouraged that it is right?
It sounds like your AH is much like mine. I wonder if yours too lives in the "circle of shame."
love tammy
I'm sorry, but his pattern is not unusual at all. We have the "functional" alcoholic and I will add with a conscious to pay the bills and be faithful in the marriage bed. This, minus everything else he is giving to alcohol instead of to you and his family does not make for a "faithful" partner/husband.
I am presently getting divorced. I will be legally married 22 years in August to a man who has never cheated on me, has been at the same labor job for 23 years, no DUIs, no abuse of money, ( still) brings me flowers, mows the lawn, cares for the cars and during his "good" years partnered with me to raise our 4 kids and a niece. I am sure we would have similar lists of what he hasn't done too.
You mentioned he wasn't abusive, yet you say he is moody, holds resentments,blames and has driven with your daughter drunk. These are all forms of abuse. Often we don't recognize it as abuse because it is often passive and/or we didn't understand this is what abuse is, or until we are so worn down we recognize and/or admit we are actually a victim of abuse. Once one recognizes one is actually a victim to abuses one can choose to step beyond that abuse and choose what one "volunteers" for. YOu never volunteer for abuse, you volunteer for what part of your life you will let remain involved in his life. Once abuse is recognized for what it is you can then choose to put yourself in a situation where you know you will most likely be victimized or you can choose to remove yourself from the line of fire. It is your responsibility to remove your children from the line of fire once you recognize it. As children they don't have a choice to the degree they are will to put themselves in the line of fire for abuse. example: they don't get to choose when Dad picks them up and puts them in the car seat ,at the age of 3.5, to not get in the car if he is drunk. They need you to protect them for the best chance not to be a victim to that.
I am in no way being harsh. :-) I am writing from the perspective of having a similar life. I lasted this long in our marriage for 3 reasons, one he is a good guy alcoholic, I had joy in life until I was worn out with being married without a partner, and the other is me being wrong that I could divorce him for this as a christian. I think you don't recognize the abuse yet. My hope is that you will recognize this and you are set free to, at the least, be confident. Be confident that you can still know there is a "good guy" under the alcoholism but you can take action to live your life and protect your kids lives from the present ' not so good' behaviors of your husband.
You having to make decisions that will hurt him are consequences to his decisions of not being the "faithful" partner of marriage. You would be acting, not reacting, to protect yourself and your children to the hurt of his abuse.
Just to note: When I finally brought forward the consequences in the way of telling him I was going to get a divorce, this "good guy" alcoholic turned into a mad man for about 8 weeks and then another 4 weeks of a deep depression. I gave him a chance after that , he quit for 16 days. Now he won't even return to AA. He is so lonely now,( he is learning what we went through, what abandonment feels like when his family had to detach) he started smoking, actually made a "date" with a woman at work to talk,( he cancelled it though) and has started calling his family on the phone all the time. HIs most recent thing since he is not "hiding" his drinking anymore is that he has quit drinking vodka and it back to drinking a lot of beer. You see he says it all doesn't matter since i am going to divorce him anyway, he says he has no hope. This is the final blame game. When we are responsible for their "hope" we are only in the way of them hitting bottom. Obviously, being a faithful wife , being their, supporting that you see a "good guy" in there, a home, a job a family isn't "enough." Is it possible it may be time to surrender him over to someone else, someone more then human, someone who loves him more then even you do? Is it time for you to surrender too, the strength to let go and be encouraged that it is right?
It sounds like your AH is much like mine. I wonder if yours too lives in the "circle of shame."
love tammy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Despr8
Wow, you all have given me so much to think about. I was seeking some groundtruthing and I am getting it. Thank you.
I wonder what the reactions would have been if I hadn't mentioned the drinking and driving incident specifically? Would it be, he sounds like a decent guy who is trying, give him another chance?
I know I said a version of this before, but he is such a sweet, decent guy 29 days out of 30, that it's so hard to remember during those 29 days that 1) day 30 keeps coming back and 2) it's a problem. It's like I just can't believe it's true/happens. I guess that's denial.
I know I deserve a lot of the words I'm getting here that feel harsh. It's funny, because when I read about what some other people have put up with, I think, that's crazy, I would never put up with that! Take out the drinking & driving and he's not THAT bad. But I guess that's minimizing.
I wonder what the reactions would have been if I hadn't mentioned the drinking and driving incident specifically? Would it be, he sounds like a decent guy who is trying, give him another chance?
I know I said a version of this before, but he is such a sweet, decent guy 29 days out of 30, that it's so hard to remember during those 29 days that 1) day 30 keeps coming back and 2) it's a problem. It's like I just can't believe it's true/happens. I guess that's denial.
I know I deserve a lot of the words I'm getting here that feel harsh. It's funny, because when I read about what some other people have put up with, I think, that's crazy, I would never put up with that! Take out the drinking & driving and he's not THAT bad. But I guess that's minimizing.
My husband is one of the most gentle, loving and supportive people I know. At the same time he has a very bad temper and that temper got worse day by day so that my unborn child was listening to yelling and swearing and experiencing my stress on a daily basis... until eventually he hurt me physically.
I got out. Not because I wanted to - I loved my husband, I didn't want to be on my own, I knew that he was (if you TOOK OUT HIS BAD TEMPER) a good man, a kind man, a gentle man, a loving man and would be a good father. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want my marriage to fail, I didn't want the consequences of having "separated" as my status, I didn't want the consequences of separating from him - being on my own and pregnant and then a solo-mother. If I had been thinking just about myself perhaps I would have stayed with him? The problem was that I couldn't TAKE OUT HIS BAD TEMPER just as you can't take out your husband's drink-driving incident with your daughter - it says a lot.
It said a lot to me when I saw my niece's face every time my husband yelled and swore and through things and broke property when he was at their house. It said a lot to me when my husband did not listen to my concerns for the baby's wellbeing when he yelled at me on a daily basis. It said a lot to me when my husband hurt me physically when I was 20wks pregnant. It said to me that he did not put children first.
I got out because I put my baby's safety and wellbeing first. And mine - but my son had to be my motivating force. I will do everything in this world to protect him and make sure he doesn't grow up having the same miserable life me or my alcoholic husband had.
Your husband getting into that car drunk and driving her, says a lot about your husband - and it will only get worse.
We all walk our own paths and make our decisions that are right for ourselves. But when it comes to children, we have a duty to protect them. That is our role as parents. If you are going to deny the reality of this situation, it will only get worse - and there will be worse consequences for your daughter who is the innocent victim in all of this. All I can hope is that it doesn't get too bad before you realise and do something to protect her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
I so completely understand your feelings in this post. I DO NOT claim to be an expert at all. I get frustrated when people make these tough decision into a cut and dry decision. All I know, is that you'll know, I'll know when enough is enough. I don't know when that will be for me or you, but I just believe you'll know.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Yeah - I just want to add something about minimizing. As a co-dependent person in this kind of a relationship, our minimizing the really big, important stuff is part of denial. For a few days after my husband physically hurt me (something I would NEVER have imagined he would do - after all, he is a kind, gentle, loving man part of the time!) I was traumatised for a few days. My brain could not conceive what had happened. I felt my mind trying to erase or lessen the facts of what had happened so that I did not have to make the choice of having him leave. My mind struggled with that for some time.
I just want to emphasize to you: it IS that bad. Whether my husband lives with me or not - if he drove my son while drunk, he would never be given that responsibility to be in charge of my son ever again, because once is enough - twice could be fatal. If sober, in treatment/recovery - he would have to prove his trustworthiness to me over a long period of time to be given back that level of responsibility. Children are too precious.
I just want to emphasize to you: it IS that bad. Whether my husband lives with me or not - if he drove my son while drunk, he would never be given that responsibility to be in charge of my son ever again, because once is enough - twice could be fatal. If sober, in treatment/recovery - he would have to prove his trustworthiness to me over a long period of time to be given back that level of responsibility. Children are too precious.
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
I know I'm late to this conversation, but had to comment.
I didn't want to believe it either. I wanted so desperately not to believe it that I tried to convince my husband he could control his drinking if he'd just man up and behave like a grown up, when he was ready to admit he couldn't drink anymore at all.
It doesn't matter how often it happens. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable whether it's once in a lifetime or 20 times a day.
What if it was ANYONE else driving around drunk with your precious child in their car? What if it was ANYONE else caring for your child while you were out and you came home to find them drunk? What if it was ANYONE else blaming you for their drinking and inappropriate behavior? Would it be acceptable then?
Would it be acceptable if he did it twice a month? 3 times? What about every day? Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it ALWAYS gets worse until the alcoholic decides they have to find recovery. When my husband and I first got together, after a binge he'd quit drinking for a month, start up slowly, a beer here and there, and it might be six months before he got good and drunk again, and a year before another binge. I think his second to last binge he only quit for a couple weeks after and was back to getting at least buzzed once a week within a month. And that was after giving up liquor and switching entirely to beer and wine.
It's so important to pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his WORDS. WORDS mean nothing. His actions say he isn't done drinking. Now what are you going to do to take care of yourself and your precious child?
Originally Posted by Despr8
I know I said a version of this before, but he is such a sweet, decent guy 29 days out of 30, that it's so hard to remember during those 29 days that 1) day 30 keeps coming back and 2) it's a problem. It's like I just can't believe it's true/happens. I guess that's denial.
It doesn't matter how often it happens. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable whether it's once in a lifetime or 20 times a day.
What if it was ANYONE else driving around drunk with your precious child in their car? What if it was ANYONE else caring for your child while you were out and you came home to find them drunk? What if it was ANYONE else blaming you for their drinking and inappropriate behavior? Would it be acceptable then?
Would it be acceptable if he did it twice a month? 3 times? What about every day? Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it ALWAYS gets worse until the alcoholic decides they have to find recovery. When my husband and I first got together, after a binge he'd quit drinking for a month, start up slowly, a beer here and there, and it might be six months before he got good and drunk again, and a year before another binge. I think his second to last binge he only quit for a couple weeks after and was back to getting at least buzzed once a week within a month. And that was after giving up liquor and switching entirely to beer and wine.
It's so important to pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his WORDS. WORDS mean nothing. His actions say he isn't done drinking. Now what are you going to do to take care of yourself and your precious child?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
Listen to what you are saying.......
Originally Posted by Despr8
Hi all,
I have been lurking here for a while now and this is my first post. Might be a bit long as I need to set the stage for my problem that I hope you all can help me with.
I have been married to my AH for 15 years and we have a preschool-aged daughter. His historic drinking pattern is kind of unusual, I think. For years, he seemed mostly in control of it - a beer or two after work, a little more at a party, but never too crazy. Then every few months or so, we'd be hanging out at the house, and I'd suddenly realize he was drunk (bingeing in secret). Every time I'd get upset at the deception and strange behavior, he'd swear it would never happen again, and the cycle repeated itself for years. I never recognized it as alcoholism. (Even though I found empty bottles in strange places as well.)
(Let me also state here that he is a wonderful person and for most of the time we have had a happy marriage. Always been employed, an attentive dad, a sweet man in general - never abusive, never a jerk, not irresponsible with finances, faithful; I know he loves me very much. Always binges at home - never with others or out at a bar - always alone.)
Fast forward to 3.5 years ago, when our daughter was an infant. The binges started getting closer together, and I really started to worry after I went out with girlfriends one night, he was babysitting, and I came home and he was drunk on the couch. That's when I insisted that something had to change.
Since then, he has tried many different things to address the problem - group counseling, individual counseling, and this spring, a stay in a 2-week intensive outpatient program. (Doesn't like AA.) He'd do OK for a while, then drink again. Yet while he was working on it, he also didn't want to stop drinking, and was angry and resentful during much of that time, blaming me for his problems. I started going to Al-Anon and got clarity that I was not the cause of his drinking.
After a particularly bad episode this spring, he agreed to go to the IOP program, and he seemed to be in such good shape for a couple of months after that - optimistic, active, good spirits. (Since then, he has been seeing a counselor individually and we have been seeing a marriage counselor. He's gone to a few AA meetings but still doesn't like it.) Then he started getting moody again and binged last month, then again last week. Afterward, he says the same thing every time, which he has been saying for at least a year: That he feels discouraged that our marriage isn't what it used to be; that I turn to others (e.g. Al-Anon) for emotional support; that he is lonely; he starts feeling like things are never going to work with us so he might as well drink.
The last binge was particularly disturbing - he drank four glasses of wine on the 30-minute drive between his brother's house and ours, with our daughter in the car. He walked in the door obviously buzzed, but not falling down - BUT he was driving around drinking with our daughter in the car!!
Now I don't know what to do. I love him; he is a great dad, and I want us to be together as a family, but I am so tired of living this way. He seems to be trying to be sober while also not fully embracing recovery. I think he has some underlying depression, which he denies. He ruminates, has these mood swings, and then drinks, and I think it will happen again. I am trying to focus on taking care of myself, but it's so hard and complicated because our daughter is involved. Three and a half years feels like a long time to be living in limbo, waiting for him to get better. I feel like I just can't take it any more and I don't know what to do. HELP! Any E,S,H will be appreciated.
I have been lurking here for a while now and this is my first post. Might be a bit long as I need to set the stage for my problem that I hope you all can help me with.
I have been married to my AH for 15 years and we have a preschool-aged daughter. His historic drinking pattern is kind of unusual, I think. For years, he seemed mostly in control of it - a beer or two after work, a little more at a party, but never too crazy. Then every few months or so, we'd be hanging out at the house, and I'd suddenly realize he was drunk (bingeing in secret). Every time I'd get upset at the deception and strange behavior, he'd swear it would never happen again, and the cycle repeated itself for years. I never recognized it as alcoholism. (Even though I found empty bottles in strange places as well.)
(Let me also state here that he is a wonderful person and for most of the time we have had a happy marriage. Always been employed, an attentive dad, a sweet man in general - never abusive, never a jerk, not irresponsible with finances, faithful; I know he loves me very much. Always binges at home - never with others or out at a bar - always alone.)
Fast forward to 3.5 years ago, when our daughter was an infant. The binges started getting closer together, and I really started to worry after I went out with girlfriends one night, he was babysitting, and I came home and he was drunk on the couch. That's when I insisted that something had to change.
Since then, he has tried many different things to address the problem - group counseling, individual counseling, and this spring, a stay in a 2-week intensive outpatient program. (Doesn't like AA.) He'd do OK for a while, then drink again. Yet while he was working on it, he also didn't want to stop drinking, and was angry and resentful during much of that time, blaming me for his problems. I started going to Al-Anon and got clarity that I was not the cause of his drinking.
After a particularly bad episode this spring, he agreed to go to the IOP program, and he seemed to be in such good shape for a couple of months after that - optimistic, active, good spirits. (Since then, he has been seeing a counselor individually and we have been seeing a marriage counselor. He's gone to a few AA meetings but still doesn't like it.) Then he started getting moody again and binged last month, then again last week. Afterward, he says the same thing every time, which he has been saying for at least a year: That he feels discouraged that our marriage isn't what it used to be; that I turn to others (e.g. Al-Anon) for emotional support; that he is lonely; he starts feeling like things are never going to work with us so he might as well drink.
The last binge was particularly disturbing - he drank four glasses of wine on the 30-minute drive between his brother's house and ours, with our daughter in the car. He walked in the door obviously buzzed, but not falling down - BUT he was driving around drinking with our daughter in the car!!
Now I don't know what to do. I love him; he is a great dad, and I want us to be together as a family, but I am so tired of living this way. He seems to be trying to be sober while also not fully embracing recovery. I think he has some underlying depression, which he denies. He ruminates, has these mood swings, and then drinks, and I think it will happen again. I am trying to focus on taking care of myself, but it's so hard and complicated because our daughter is involved. Three and a half years feels like a long time to be living in limbo, waiting for him to get better. I feel like I just can't take it any more and I don't know what to do. HELP! Any E,S,H will be appreciated.
The last binge was particularly disturbing - he drank four glasses of wine on the 30-minute drive between his brother's house and ours, with our daughter in the car. He walked in the door obviously buzzed, but not falling down - BUT he was driving around drinking with our daughter in the car!!
My husband was not allowed to pick up my adolescents and her friends anymore when my daughter told me that he was weaving all over the road one night after he'd picked them up in a carpool. Shame on me that I had allowed to endanger not only my kids, but others' children as well. If you don't do something now about his activities in the car, you'll be looking at so much heartbreak later. Please don't take this as harsh advice...I just speak from experience.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Hi Despr8,
I think there are some similarities between our situations. I am with someone who I think is basically a decent guy. Loving Dad, hard-working, kind, not violent etc. BUT who drinks too much and very regularly. He generally doesn't do anything very bad just gets a bit obnoxious.
I swing from thinking about all the problems and unhappiness he causes me to completely back-tracking and going on about how he's really not that bad!
We've been together about 15 years and have 3 young children. I have been (and still am) a complete doormat as far as his drinking goes. Basically I've just let him get on with it, and it's only in the last year I've been measuring it and realised how much he actually drinks. It's shocking!
I'm new here and am only learning about the disease and how to live with it (or not). I haven't yet set any boundaries, but I'm learning about them (like I said, I'm a doormat even the thought of setting a boundary scares the hell out of me!). However, as far as I'm concerned putting my children at risk is trampling on a boundary I shouldn't even have to put in place. NOBODY harms (or risks harming) my children. You wouldn't put up with anyone else driving your child when drunk - can you imagine the uproar if a teacher did such a thing?!
Everyone else's problems are easier than our own. I sit in my situation unable to make a decision and even less able to act. At the same time I read threads on here and think answers are clear. Having children does complicate things hugely. I'm forever weighing up how much his drinking affects them (or might do in the future) against how much breaking up the family would affect them.
However, I think there are some things that are absolutely unacceptable (probably not many TBH). Putting my children at risk is right at the top. Undoubtedly.
What you do about it is always the difficult bit! If you can ensure he never ever drives your child when drinking maybe that's all you need to do. Though you shouldn't have to take that responsibility. If effectively having to protect your child from her dad is something you can't accept then you might have to make different choices.
Sorry, I don't know what the right answer for you is. I just know you have to act in the best interest of your child and letting him drive her when drunk clearly isn't doing that.
I definitely don't mean to be harsh, I'm making a complete mess of my situation so feel free to ignore me.
Best of luck though with whatever you do.
I think there are some similarities between our situations. I am with someone who I think is basically a decent guy. Loving Dad, hard-working, kind, not violent etc. BUT who drinks too much and very regularly. He generally doesn't do anything very bad just gets a bit obnoxious.
I swing from thinking about all the problems and unhappiness he causes me to completely back-tracking and going on about how he's really not that bad!
We've been together about 15 years and have 3 young children. I have been (and still am) a complete doormat as far as his drinking goes. Basically I've just let him get on with it, and it's only in the last year I've been measuring it and realised how much he actually drinks. It's shocking!
I'm new here and am only learning about the disease and how to live with it (or not). I haven't yet set any boundaries, but I'm learning about them (like I said, I'm a doormat even the thought of setting a boundary scares the hell out of me!). However, as far as I'm concerned putting my children at risk is trampling on a boundary I shouldn't even have to put in place. NOBODY harms (or risks harming) my children. You wouldn't put up with anyone else driving your child when drunk - can you imagine the uproar if a teacher did such a thing?!
Everyone else's problems are easier than our own. I sit in my situation unable to make a decision and even less able to act. At the same time I read threads on here and think answers are clear. Having children does complicate things hugely. I'm forever weighing up how much his drinking affects them (or might do in the future) against how much breaking up the family would affect them.
However, I think there are some things that are absolutely unacceptable (probably not many TBH). Putting my children at risk is right at the top. Undoubtedly.
What you do about it is always the difficult bit! If you can ensure he never ever drives your child when drinking maybe that's all you need to do. Though you shouldn't have to take that responsibility. If effectively having to protect your child from her dad is something you can't accept then you might have to make different choices.
Sorry, I don't know what the right answer for you is. I just know you have to act in the best interest of your child and letting him drive her when drunk clearly isn't doing that.
I definitely don't mean to be harsh, I'm making a complete mess of my situation so feel free to ignore me.
Best of luck though with whatever you do.
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
The fact that he drinks and drives with your precious child in the car really scares me. Let me share a story with you, it's not my story but the story of a woman I used to work for.
Let's call her Janet, Janet was about five, her Dad was an alcoholic and used to take her driving often. One time they got into a crash. Not only was it her father's fault but because he was drunk he didn't make her wear her seatbelt she went through the windscreen. Before the accident she was a child model, she couldn't do that anymore. Not only did she sustain extensive scarring to her beautiful face she irreparably damaged her back and has been on pain meds ever since, she would be in her 40's now. Despite the physical injuries she was emotionally scarred too. A car accident is bad enough for an adult but for a child it is a living nightmare. She also never forgave her father, at 5 she was still astute enough to realise it was his fault [maybe her mother told her, I don't know] but it completely ruined their relationship.
Ask yourself, do you want your beautiful precious child to end up damaged physically, emotionally and hating her father?
What's that?
No you don't?
Well take some of the great advice you have received here and do something about it.
Wishing you so much love, I can barely imagine how hard you situation is honey,
Faerie xx
Let's call her Janet, Janet was about five, her Dad was an alcoholic and used to take her driving often. One time they got into a crash. Not only was it her father's fault but because he was drunk he didn't make her wear her seatbelt she went through the windscreen. Before the accident she was a child model, she couldn't do that anymore. Not only did she sustain extensive scarring to her beautiful face she irreparably damaged her back and has been on pain meds ever since, she would be in her 40's now. Despite the physical injuries she was emotionally scarred too. A car accident is bad enough for an adult but for a child it is a living nightmare. She also never forgave her father, at 5 she was still astute enough to realise it was his fault [maybe her mother told her, I don't know] but it completely ruined their relationship.
Ask yourself, do you want your beautiful precious child to end up damaged physically, emotionally and hating her father?
What's that?
No you don't?
Well take some of the great advice you have received here and do something about it.
Wishing you so much love, I can barely imagine how hard you situation is honey,
Faerie xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Hi Despr8, glad you are here, this is a wonderful place.
I just wanted to send you some hugs and tell you what you describe is not a "sweet man" or a good father, I am sorry if my judgment seems blunt. A sweet good dad would NEVER EVEN IMAGINE to put his own child at risk. And he did, think about the potential consequences, you were lucky they were not involved in an accident.
At that point I imagine his judgment is clouded and by that action itself he is sending the message that alcohol is more important than his child....... please remember you are the one who is there for your child and protect her at all costs. This is the time to be there for your daughter...
We are here for you ((hugs))
I just wanted to send you some hugs and tell you what you describe is not a "sweet man" or a good father, I am sorry if my judgment seems blunt. A sweet good dad would NEVER EVEN IMAGINE to put his own child at risk. And he did, think about the potential consequences, you were lucky they were not involved in an accident.
At that point I imagine his judgment is clouded and by that action itself he is sending the message that alcohol is more important than his child....... please remember you are the one who is there for your child and protect her at all costs. This is the time to be there for your daughter...
We are here for you ((hugs))
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Steve .. that's true... perhaps he IS a great sweet person inside, full of love and affection, but what does it matter if he is drunk and putting his child at risk? how does that sweetness help when disaster strikes?
What matters are the actions... no doubt when there is alcohol judgment is blurred and i totally agree alcohol is controlling this man....
However we are "inside" it does not matter if we do not validate those qualities in our everyday actions.. that is integrity. When we see an act we think a person is this or that - then when there are actions that totally cancel out that judgment we put, we tend to believe this is NOT him / and stick with who he WAS or SHOWED himself as or the POTENTIAL he has...
We can't blame alcohol for his behavior, yes he has cloudy judgment, yes he does not even notice he is putting a child in risk, yes but who is deciding to drive? who is deciding to take the child with him? who is deciding NOT to get help? who is NOT saying "sheeesh, i got really drunk now, better call a cab" WHO is damaging this family?
I know you were not justifying him or anything.. sorry for my rambling...
What matters are the actions... no doubt when there is alcohol judgment is blurred and i totally agree alcohol is controlling this man....
However we are "inside" it does not matter if we do not validate those qualities in our everyday actions.. that is integrity. When we see an act we think a person is this or that - then when there are actions that totally cancel out that judgment we put, we tend to believe this is NOT him / and stick with who he WAS or SHOWED himself as or the POTENTIAL he has...
We can't blame alcohol for his behavior, yes he has cloudy judgment, yes he does not even notice he is putting a child in risk, yes but who is deciding to drive? who is deciding to take the child with him? who is deciding NOT to get help? who is NOT saying "sheeesh, i got really drunk now, better call a cab" WHO is damaging this family?
I know you were not justifying him or anything.. sorry for my rambling...
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 07-30-2009 at 11:50 PM.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
They can also make us have clouded/emotional thinking. It is precisely what you say that necessitates the boundaries and "letting them feel the consequences of THEIR choices.
We know it is not the pleasure of drinking that makes them get sober, but the displeasure of consequences; pain is an excellent motivator.
We know it is not the pleasure of drinking that makes them get sober, but the displeasure of consequences; pain is an excellent motivator.
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