bettyjh

I am new to this, but am very very desperate.. I have met the man of my dreams..we graduated HS together in 1985.. he was kind of shy and backwards and I was very outgoing..homecoming queen.. class president.. all that stuff.. well that was in 1985.. we are now 42 years old.. and have fallen in love in the last few months.. we both had terrible first halves of our lives and found eachother 20 some years later and realize we both need eachother in our loves.. I have been through dating, a bad abusive marriage.. all of that and then he comes in my life and I have never ever met anyone so genuine, loyal, honest and real.. and I love him.. and he loves me.. but he told me from day one that he is a recovering alcoholic.. well we live 100 miles apart and when I left his home on July 6th of being together for 4 days.. he picked up the vodka again.. he was in recovery when we met and was very very good.. upfront with me totally.. since July 6th.. he is hiding from me.. he is not himself.. he is lying to me and I am sooooo hurt and worried for his life.. he drank vodka for 2 weeks straight 8 hours at a shot and stopped on Saturday.. now he is going through severe withdrawals..but he is telling me he is sick.. I speak to the people he lives with and they tell me the truth.. I pretend to believe him.. because he told me that if he ever picked up a bottle again, he may as well put a bullet to his head because he knows he will lose me.. so what do I do..?? I have been researching alcoholism for two weeks now because I am oblivious to this whole disease.. I have learned alot and I know the last time he did this he had to go get detoxed from alcohol medically..now he is trying it himself and hiding it and has turned into a different man.. distant, depressed, sickly, not sleeping, exhaused.. and I am sure much much more.. I have been in contact with a pastor..I am just lost.. I need some help advice anything... I dont ever want to give up on him.. he has been at rockbottom and now he will be there again.He has told me all about it..I feel like he chose the bottle over me after all we shared and he told me..he has told me he never ever wants to drink again.... I feel like I caused this..and am blaming myself.. please help me help him.. so so desperate here....

tamcor123

welcome you are in a good place so hang on and listen to the people that follow up on this as you will get the cheapest help you can and it is the only way listening and doing, so having said that i would suggest reading the big book of AA and then i would check out alonon until you find people you can relate with.And then and only then you may have a chance with this guy for a happy life together however slim of a chance it may be. If you dont you may have a life together one you will regret i am a recovering alcoholic 13 years sober ive been where he is at also graduated in 84 so welcome.

laurie6781

(((((Betty)))))

WELCOME to SR! You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

Please try some Al-Anon meetings for YOU.

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

Relapse is can be part of the disease of Alcoholism. Recovery, is extremely HARD WORK for the individual and sometimes it takes several tries and several bottoms, each one lower before the alkie gets it, and sometimes they never do.

Alcohol is apparently STILL his #1 Mistress.

You cannot help even in his 'detoxing' methods. He knows he should do it medically, especially after his last detox, however, it is HIS CHOICE.

The only Alcoholic I have ever been able to FIX is ME. He has to WANT sobriety more than the drink and he has to WANT it for himself.

Step back, try some Al-Anon, try a therapist specializing in addiction. If you have not read the book "Co Dependant No More" by Melodie Beattie, please check your library or a copy can be purchaed reasonably on Amazon.com. Read the 'stickys' at the top of the forum.

All of the above will give you a better idea on if you really want to get on this Roller Coaster to begin with.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

bettyjh

What you said Laurie is so true.. alcohol is his #1 mistress.. NEVER would I worry about another woman with this man.. I cannot say enough on how good of a person I have found in him sober.. we even have talked about working in homeless shelters and soup kitchens together.. but I am competing with vodka now.. and will I win.. no clue

bettyjh

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom...I really need help here... I am madly in love and will this man ever put me in front of this.. and I am a self blamer... I have got to get some reading material or something..

Still Waters

No, he won't. Not without true recovery. You don't matter, you are not part of his equation, as long as he's letting his addiction run his life. Pay attention to his actions while drinking, not his words.

Will he ever find recovery? No way to know. Will he stay in recovery if he finds it? No way to know.