How do I ask and how much do I ask?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
How do I ask and how much do I ask?
Hi,
I am wondering how much I should or should not ask A about his recovery. I finally did open his e-mail. I had sent him a recovery devotional Bible for which he thanked me and then he intellectualized about recovery talking about it as a process to get to and go through etc. I am glad that he is realizing this, but I also felt this distance like he wasn't going to say how HE was doing-still relapsing or sober for more than a week now. I do really care how he is doing. I think why it irked me a bit is that my adult nephew last year had a brief entry into the drug world and my sister and BIL imediately put him in rehab and he found a counsellor, and a year later he hasn't relapsed and is doing well. My sister does worry that he will relapse when other things in his life aren't going well.
So, A knows about my nephew's drug experience and rehab. and what I saw him saying in his e-mail was that my nephew needs to experience x,y, and z before he can commit to recovery. To me, the way he wrote it, it sounded like he had already recovered and was passing on his advice to my younger nephew. He was talking about hitting bottom and all that stuff. I don't know if I did the right thing but I thanked him for his advice for my nephew, and then I reminded him that he is IN the process, not past it, and asked him if he thought he had hit HIS bottom yet-because when I was there, he hadn't for sure. In one way I was trying to place the fact that he is "not there" yet, and in another I was asking where he is in the process-because I care and I want to know who I am dealing with these days. Is that wrong of me?
Advice??? Thanks!
I am wondering how much I should or should not ask A about his recovery. I finally did open his e-mail. I had sent him a recovery devotional Bible for which he thanked me and then he intellectualized about recovery talking about it as a process to get to and go through etc. I am glad that he is realizing this, but I also felt this distance like he wasn't going to say how HE was doing-still relapsing or sober for more than a week now. I do really care how he is doing. I think why it irked me a bit is that my adult nephew last year had a brief entry into the drug world and my sister and BIL imediately put him in rehab and he found a counsellor, and a year later he hasn't relapsed and is doing well. My sister does worry that he will relapse when other things in his life aren't going well.
So, A knows about my nephew's drug experience and rehab. and what I saw him saying in his e-mail was that my nephew needs to experience x,y, and z before he can commit to recovery. To me, the way he wrote it, it sounded like he had already recovered and was passing on his advice to my younger nephew. He was talking about hitting bottom and all that stuff. I don't know if I did the right thing but I thanked him for his advice for my nephew, and then I reminded him that he is IN the process, not past it, and asked him if he thought he had hit HIS bottom yet-because when I was there, he hadn't for sure. In one way I was trying to place the fact that he is "not there" yet, and in another I was asking where he is in the process-because I care and I want to know who I am dealing with these days. Is that wrong of me?
Advice??? Thanks!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 9
Clarity please
Hey Boo,
I am not really clear based on your post what you are asking?
Can you clarify things a bit more?
A few things I do now.
I doubt he can tell you were along his process he is.
He can tell you what step he is on, but not where in the spiritual awkening he is.
People recover. People are not recovering.
People who talk about still recovering after a number of years, are people who have not and will nto follow the program of the 12 steps.
Some people take years before they really get willing to practice this new way of life. Others grab hold of it like their life depended on it, Dr. Bob did the steps in a day and recovered till the day he died.
Take him at face value. You are dealing with who you are dealing with. What are you doing to take care of yourself around this??
Blessed Be
Fibilt
I am not really clear based on your post what you are asking?
Can you clarify things a bit more?
A few things I do now.
I doubt he can tell you were along his process he is.
He can tell you what step he is on, but not where in the spiritual awkening he is.
People recover. People are not recovering.
People who talk about still recovering after a number of years, are people who have not and will nto follow the program of the 12 steps.
Some people take years before they really get willing to practice this new way of life. Others grab hold of it like their life depended on it, Dr. Bob did the steps in a day and recovered till the day he died.
Take him at face value. You are dealing with who you are dealing with. What are you doing to take care of yourself around this??
Blessed Be
Fibilt
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Ft. Worth, Texas
Posts: 3
I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU RECEIVED THE FIRST RESPONSE I SENT,,,I CLICKED 'REVIEW" AND IT TOOK ME SOMEWHERE ELSE. CRAZY!
ANYWAY TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION AGAIN...........MY FOCUS MUST BE ON ME. NOT MY ALCOHOLIC. QUESTIONING MY ALCOHOLIC KEEPS ME IN THE PROBLEM,,,I WANT TO MOVE TO THE SOLUTION. MAKING MEETINGS IN ALANON AND SECURING A SPONSOR WAS THE ANSWER FOR ME.
TAKE CARE OF YOU AND ALLOW THE GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING TO CARE FOR HIM AND HIS PROGRAM.
MAKING MEETINGS GIVES ME RELIEF
WORKING THE STEPS GIVES ME RECOVERY
TWOLOVEBOYDS Ü
ANYWAY TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION AGAIN...........MY FOCUS MUST BE ON ME. NOT MY ALCOHOLIC. QUESTIONING MY ALCOHOLIC KEEPS ME IN THE PROBLEM,,,I WANT TO MOVE TO THE SOLUTION. MAKING MEETINGS IN ALANON AND SECURING A SPONSOR WAS THE ANSWER FOR ME.
TAKE CARE OF YOU AND ALLOW THE GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING TO CARE FOR HIM AND HIS PROGRAM.
MAKING MEETINGS GIVES ME RELIEF
WORKING THE STEPS GIVES ME RECOVERY
TWOLOVEBOYDS Ü
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Boo
The answer to how he is doing is probably "the best he can".
My son has been in and out of recovery for 10 years, presently in a program. He is doing the best he can. Today he may feel 100% cured and tomorrow he may relapse. That's just the way this disease works. It is often a journey that may take many years, For a lucky few, first time is all it takes.
So there is not much point in asking. You will never get the answer you want, which is the same answer I want....cured! Because it is something they have to work on the rest of their lives.
Now I have a question. How are YOU doing? Are you working a program? Do you go to meetings? Your recovery should come first and it won't come all by itself. You have to go get it. And I promise you, Boo, that getting your own recovery in place will help you face anything that life hands you.
So, just for today, take your eyes off him and focus on doing something positive for your recovery. Because YOU'RE worth it.
Hugs
Ann
The answer to how he is doing is probably "the best he can".
My son has been in and out of recovery for 10 years, presently in a program. He is doing the best he can. Today he may feel 100% cured and tomorrow he may relapse. That's just the way this disease works. It is often a journey that may take many years, For a lucky few, first time is all it takes.
So there is not much point in asking. You will never get the answer you want, which is the same answer I want....cured! Because it is something they have to work on the rest of their lives.
Now I have a question. How are YOU doing? Are you working a program? Do you go to meetings? Your recovery should come first and it won't come all by itself. You have to go get it. And I promise you, Boo, that getting your own recovery in place will help you face anything that life hands you.
So, just for today, take your eyes off him and focus on doing something positive for your recovery. Because YOU'RE worth it.
Hugs
Ann
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Ft. Worth, Texas
Posts: 3
Boo,
I just received an e-mail stating you had responded to my post. I clicked the link it gave me and it took me here. If you want to contact me, you must go directly to [email protected]. I cannot retrieve any messages here. For me this is not a computer friendly site. I can't figure it out yet. Okay?
Thnx Ü
I just received an e-mail stating you had responded to my post. I clicked the link it gave me and it took me here. If you want to contact me, you must go directly to [email protected]. I cannot retrieve any messages here. For me this is not a computer friendly site. I can't figure it out yet. Okay?
Thnx Ü
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Twoloves
I PM'd you to let you know that it is a feature on your profile that is E-mailing you with every response. Let me know if you want that particular feature removed. Then you can just look for responses on the threads.
You're doing fine - this is pretty user friendly, but it takes a little getting used to. WE all groped for the first while.
Hugs
Ann
I PM'd you to let you know that it is a feature on your profile that is E-mailing you with every response. Let me know if you want that particular feature removed. Then you can just look for responses on the threads.
You're doing fine - this is pretty user friendly, but it takes a little getting used to. WE all groped for the first while.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
Re: Clarity please
Originally posted by Freewolf
People recover. People are not recovering.
People who talk about still recovering after a number of years, are people who have not and will nto follow the program of the 12 steps.
People recover. People are not recovering.
People who talk about still recovering after a number of years, are people who have not and will nto follow the program of the 12 steps.
Even if it were possible to work all of the steps in a day,they still need to become a part of daily living.
phoenix
(13 years sober and still recovering)
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