sandrawg

Those of you who have been no contact with your exes (lucidgirl, this post is for you..) should feel very lucky.

I had some email exchanges with my xabf, and believe me, it was no picnic. It was as you would expect. Still more denial, rationalizations, etc.

Do not think you can get validation from your xabf.

Do not think you can get sympathy from your xabf.

Do not think you can get a rational, logical explanation ( or indeed, a rational logical THOUGHT) from your xabf.

It ain't happening. As long as they are in active alcoholism, NOTHING CHANGES.

Expect the same excuses, rationalizations, etc.--maybe with even a new one thrown in (my exabf used some AA lingo against me - "I kicked you to the curb cuz I realized I need to get sober for myself, I can't do it for you" -oh he is clever and sneaky, having been sent to AA as a teenager, so it's amazing he can cloak his denial in those terms but, whatever. I gotta let it go.)

I feel like an A who went out. Who went out on a big binge episode. Yep,. that's what I am. A backslidden codie. I went on a big binge and now I feel sick and hungover and worse than before.

Now I need to pick myself up and learn from this and move forward from square one.

TakingCharge999

Hi sandra! Ah yes, don't feel bad, I also broke no contact back on december when the break up was horrible and I still thought we could at least be in good terms, knowing we are coworkers when I still thought I could "reason"

.... sometimes this happens just so you are MORE SURE that is NOT the way to go and that there is nothing for you there.... let him go, let him drink, let him find his own bottom at his own time.. you are not in that hell anymore.. you are FREE

Learn2Live

Sandrawg, I can't believe you slipped girl! Just say, "It's alright, it was just a slip, not a relapse" and keep movin'. You can do it. Like I always say, we all have to stick our hands back into the fire sooner or later to feel the burn that tells us to STAY AWAY!

sandrawg

Yeah-I guess it was like a wake-up call to my own issues.

I'm still stuck in "fix it" mode. I gotta turn the focus on my own stuff.

My friend in AA sent me some links to al-anon meetings and CODA meetings in the area. I am so grateful I have him to talk to. He's kind of like my "sponsor." I told him I do not want to rely too much on him tho-we are friends and I don't want to burden him. But he said this is part of his program--being of service to people who are affected by alcoholism.

My emails with my xabf did not end on bad terms, though, so that is a good thing.

luciddreamrgrl

Sandra I'm so sorry girl! That sucks! I'm glad I haven't broken my no contact. I did look at his myspace page though. His status was "free". I guess he feels relief that I finally gave up contacting him. It's sad to think about but I am starting to date again so hopefully it will go ok. Maybe you should try going on some dates just to help get your mind off him. PM me if you need to.

sandrawg

Thanks, sweetie

I wouldn't attribute the "free" status of your x to necessarily have anything to do with you. Could be related to something totally different...

I actually did go on a date, and that was a disaster. I mean, the date went well...we kissed for a little bit but...I ended up crying over my ex on the drive home. I figure, this is a sign that I may not be ready for romantic contact with another guy yet. Platonic dates...maybe. But nothing romantic yet.

TrainWreckAgain

I saw someone say that their number of days of no contact was their number of days of sobriety. I liked that.

Still Waters

Thing is, if they were truly in recovery, you wouldn't need to contact them - you'd know it.

If you have to do the contacting, then the game is already over.

IMHO

Elpis

I'm sorry for how you're feeling Sandra and have been there myself! I do want to thank you though for the clear reminder of why to stay no contact. Sometimes I start to think "if only I could talk to him he would be able to explain everything and tell me our relationship was meaningful....". I really needed the reminder that a conversation with an alcoholic would not be rational and I would only regret it. May we all continue to learn from our mistakes and become stronger healthier people everyday.

Sending a hug your way!

luciddreamrgrl

Stillwater I agree with you. I'm lucky that I haven't felt the urge to text him or email him. Checking out his myspace page was a moment of weakness. I immediatly clicked off of it after looking at it for just a moment. I'm going on 3 weeks now. I hope to stay strong and start rebuilding my life again.

Sandra, I remember you posting that. You definatly aren't ready yet. But eventually you will be. Just give it time

sandrawg

Someone on one of my other posts said, checking out their social networking profiles is much like contacting them.

I'm going to stay away from my ex's Facebook profile from now on.

goodbyelove

Oh your post is so true, Sandrawg.