Help me be strong

Old 07-21-2009, 01:40 PM
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Question Help me be strong

This may seem very weird, but I've only worked up the courage to check the mail in the past 2 wks. It had become such an anxious experience for me with bills, legal notices, etc... that I just stopped. Only in the past 2 wks have I had the nerve to face the box.

Suspected that my sober AH was hiding the bad mail because it was only ads when it came into the house. Since I've been getting it there have been bills (unpaid). Also, found some mail in weird places around the house unopened.

What I need help with is give me courage to detach. There is a letter from an attorney and another one that looks like a collection, no return address. I admit I held them to the light and the attorney one is definetely a legal document of some sort. I'm shaking and my heart is pounding. I hate anxiety attacks, but I have to get my strength back.

Remind me this is his problem. The after effects of his A use. However, these f-ups always cost us $$$ which we don't have right now. We are both unemployed.

Should I show him the letters and ask him to open them? Too controling? Should I see if he tells me about it? Probably wouldn't or minimize the problem. He's really depressed right now, so this can't help.

How involved should I be?
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Old 07-21-2009, 01:57 PM
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How long have you been married? Are your finances mixed?
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Old 07-21-2009, 02:24 PM
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21 yrs. and yes finances are mixed.
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Old 07-21-2009, 02:39 PM
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Sorry this is happening to you. I feel ya' on the anxiety and fear of checking the mail or opening those envelopes. I unplugged my house phone and turned off my cell phone for a couple weeks to avoid facing any phone calls that I just could not face at the time. But eventually I faced my fears and turned on my phone, although I left the house phone unplugged for a little longer.

It sounds to me like you have given it enough time for yourself to gather yourself and you know that you are now ready to face what you've been avoiding. I think you can do it! It's not advisable to ignore attorney letters and bills piling up for too long because the consequences of ignoring them will be worse in the long run for you.

Might I suggest that you start with opening just one? And making a plan for the next week or so to increase the number of bills you open each day?

It might be a good idea too to learn how to do deep breathing. Since you're tight on money, you could Google "deep breathing techniques" or "relaxation techniques" and I'm sure you'll get some tips. It really helps me to stand back from something that is causing me anxiety, breathe, take it slow, breathe, post something on SR, breathe, call a friend, you get the picture. Try to force yourself to smile and if you can, watch something funny on TV. Just smiling and definitely laughing will help your anxiety.

While taking these steps, for your own health, I would also avoid blaming your husband or getting angry at him for creating this mess. I know, that's easier said than done, because I have a HUGE problem with my anger but it's worth a try. When I get angry, I go to the library and look around and pick out some books that might help me in my current situation. It's free and being around others in this environment helps me (Hard to yell and scream in library :O)

Anyway, once you've opened them, call the people you owe money to, explain to them what is happening financially with your family, and ask them to put you on a modest pay plan. Seems EVERYBODY is going through this financial stuff right now, not just you, so feel better a little that you are not the only ones.

OK, I hope this helps some. Take care...and don't forget to breathe.
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Old 07-21-2009, 02:40 PM
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If they are addressed to you both, then open them. If they are addressed to him, but pertain to joint accounts/mortgage/bills then ask him about them. I don't think watching out for YOUR credit/financial future is controlling. That is YOUR life too. Also, as far as the attorney goes, if you don't know what it is about then ask if you want to know.

I am NOT married, so maybe my ideas are off, but wanting to know about anything that relates to your well being is not being controlling.

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Old 07-21-2009, 03:15 PM
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Old 07-21-2009, 03:19 PM
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I opened my AH mail, because it was my credit too. Anything that is YOUR problem, you need to work on fixing, which includes over due bills.
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Old 07-21-2009, 03:55 PM
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Thanks all for the advice. They are addressed to him, so I'm not opening them. They are sitting on the counter where he will see them when he gets back from his AA meeting any minute.

I pretty much decided to ask what they are about and look at them. Not just take his word for it. Then just accept it. He has to fix it with my watchful eye.

He's been trying to bring our accounts up-to-date this week. I asked him to do that then we can start working together on the monthly budget, etc. I just told him I can't handle the process right now due to fear of an anxiety attack. If you haven't had one of these they are terrible. I think once I see the hard cold facts I'll be able to go forward.

My detachment and demand for more responsibility from him seems to be having an impact. Yesterday, he gave me a big speech about how me/kids are the most import

Got to go - he's home.
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:21 PM
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Follow-up to yesterday. He came in and saw the letters immediately. Didn't open them right away, kept kind of fumbling with them. Walked away and came back. Finally, I said something abt them looking important and he opened them. Drum roll ........

One from the atty is a hearing for Motion for Contempt of court. Apparently his malpractice insurance co filed a lawsuit against him and he didn't attend a hearing. Great. He said the bill is probably $500. I mentioned he'll get hit w/ atty's fees plus Court cost, so a stupid $500 bill could cost us thousands. Oh he'll take care of it. He paid this, etc... He never rec'd notice of any hearing, etc... More than likely he thru it away unopened as was his behavior that caused him to loose his license to begin with. He didn't even open the mail from his professional organization, just threw it away!

The other letter was from a collection agency for a credit card in the amount of $12K. I know that that card was paid in full. He claims to have no knowledge of these charges. He used this card for a 1 wk trip last Fall. Should have been maybe $1K. He says he's never used any of those checks. We have been getting calls for months from the cc company. He says its all promotions. He's said he talked to them and they admitted it was their mistake that the account is paid.

He says he'll take care of this. He called the atty this a.m. who he says is on vaca this week. He's going to get the cc records right now out of storage so he has his ducks in a row before calling today.

We have the funds but it pretty much takes us from living off savings to desperate. I'm just going to keep a watchful eye on his resolving this problems. I told him to get everything in writing. He reiterated again last night that he will take care of this and he is trying to be a responsible hus/father. He knows I deserve a man who cherishes me and does his part, not what I've gotten from him.

Well, that's where it stands for today. Oh good news - I have a job interview for Friday! Not the job I really want, but good pay and would get me out of this house so I can be more sane. Wish me luck!
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:57 PM
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Positive motion anyway right? I hope he actually does take care of it though :/
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Old 07-22-2009, 01:32 PM
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Wow. I would be astounded if anything he said regarding those bills was true at this point. Just based on your post, I think there are some big, big problems. I hope I am wrong.
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Old 07-23-2009, 12:32 PM
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My husband never opens or hides away his mail. So I open whatever looks like a bill I know.
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:30 PM
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My gosh what I've meant was that he never opens his mail puts it away and pretends it doesn't exist. He also hides it.
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