How will my AH get to work
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i wouldn't let a house keep me where i didn't want to be. if we truly trust god, then we know we will be provided for.
you have a choice to let go of the house.
i would refuse to drive him to work. he can get another job, stay with a co-worker, drive himself illegally, whatever he chooses to do.
why don't you talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are?
you and your children would be better in a one-bedroom apartment, scraping by eating rice.
it takes some courage.
you have a choice to let go of the house.
i would refuse to drive him to work. he can get another job, stay with a co-worker, drive himself illegally, whatever he chooses to do.
why don't you talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are?
you and your children would be better in a one-bedroom apartment, scraping by eating rice.
it takes some courage.
Last edited by naive; 07-22-2009 at 12:54 AM.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Wait...ok, so you are married, but still, why is this YOUR problem?
Are your finances intermingled?
Is there any way you can separate out your accounts?
I was reading a post from someone who suggested, anyone married to an active alcoholic is best off keeping their finances separate.
Even if he finds a ride to work, it is not guaranteed that his disease won't make him lose his job in one way or another.
Can you do this...set up a separate account, to protect yourself?
Are your finances intermingled?
Is there any way you can separate out your accounts?
I was reading a post from someone who suggested, anyone married to an active alcoholic is best off keeping their finances separate.
Even if he finds a ride to work, it is not guaranteed that his disease won't make him lose his job in one way or another.
Can you do this...set up a separate account, to protect yourself?
Originally Posted by whyamistaying 
I've been reading about the Merry Go Road and the role I play. How I need to let the A reach his bottom and not bail him out.
I see where I went wrong and I'm trying to correct it. Here is what I have done. AH has 2 DUIs. I told him he must do community service as there is no money to pay fines. When he drinks, I leave.
The problem and I need help with this. AH lost his license for a year (9 more months). His work is 35 miles away and there are no buses that early. There are buses home, just not TO work.
Here is my thinking. This should be his problem. But it is still my problem because we are married. He had hired a driver (with his lunch money) but that didn't work out. So I have driven AH for 1 week. I am miserable.
It adds another 1.5 hours to my day. I don't want to do it. But I suppose since I am married this still is my problem.
But, if I don't, then who will? He has asked at work and everyone is the other direction of work (20 minutes the other way) and no one wants to pick him up. He has 2 DUIs and if he loses this job he is unemployable in this field.
I told him maybe rent a place down by work and he walk himself to work, but there isn't extra money for that.
I'm trying to figure out how to detach while married and this one is making me stumbed.
I see where I went wrong and I'm trying to correct it. Here is what I have done. AH has 2 DUIs. I told him he must do community service as there is no money to pay fines. When he drinks, I leave.
The problem and I need help with this. AH lost his license for a year (9 more months). His work is 35 miles away and there are no buses that early. There are buses home, just not TO work.
Here is my thinking. This should be his problem. But it is still my problem because we are married. He had hired a driver (with his lunch money) but that didn't work out. So I have driven AH for 1 week. I am miserable.
It adds another 1.5 hours to my day. I don't want to do it. But I suppose since I am married this still is my problem.
But, if I don't, then who will? He has asked at work and everyone is the other direction of work (20 minutes the other way) and no one wants to pick him up. He has 2 DUIs and if he loses this job he is unemployable in this field.
I told him maybe rent a place down by work and he walk himself to work, but there isn't extra money for that.
I'm trying to figure out how to detach while married and this one is making me stumbed.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Yeah... I second that. I don't know what state you live in, but come on.
This guy is clearly incompetent, with the DUIs, and everything. It seems you would do well in a potential divorce.
This guy is clearly incompetent, with the DUIs, and everything. It seems you would do well in a potential divorce.
Originally Posted by Trying2survive
You'd likely end up with the house, as it is most desirable for the children growing up. You said your job would cover the mortgage, and then there would be some child support. (I'm rowing the boat by myself... taking up BOTH the oars. It's tight, but somehow my HP gets me what I NEED.) Somehow, it all works out.
He's driving without a license? WOW, that is a disaster in the making. Big fines/lawsuits if he gets caught - but more ammunition for you if you decide to divorce him.
I think you need to make yourself a list: Pro/Con. I'd bet the "con" will far outweigh the pro. That will help you sort it out.
He's driving without a license? WOW, that is a disaster in the making. Big fines/lawsuits if he gets caught - but more ammunition for you if you decide to divorce him.
I think you need to make yourself a list: Pro/Con. I'd bet the "con" will far outweigh the pro. That will help you sort it out.
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Hi, visiting from the A forums. You post showed up under new threads.
See if there is anyone close here eRideShare.com Carpool / Rideshare Community
Good Luck!
NB
See if there is anyone close here eRideShare.com Carpool / Rideshare Community
Good Luck!
NB
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Some have said here that "detachment" does not work in a marriage setting. But I disagree. It's imperative. Detachment from worry, detachment from over-responsibility, detachment from judging and so on... It's "Letting Go and Letting God." So good on you for working on detaching. I am too.
Your husband has two DUI's and part of his punishment is that they have removed his ability to drive at this time. If you pick up the pieces and drive him, is he fully experiencing the consequences of his actions? It sounds to me like if anyone is being punished, it is you. A 1.5hr add-on to your commute is a lot and is tiring. So once again you are paying the price for his mistakes.
Personally, I think it is time to make this problem his and set some boundaries. Decide what your boundaries are. For instance, you might say to him that you are prepared to drive him to work but you are not prepared to take him home (are their buses that run after work that he could take to get home?). Or you might say that you are prepared to take him to work a couple of times a week, but not every day - and he will need to find another solution. Perhaps give him a week or two to find an alternative solution, but let him know when you are going to stop transporting him so he knows.
Many would suggest you stop transporting him altogether - and I would also agree with that, but if you would prefer to find a compromise, the above might be an alternative for you. It's not easy to make a boundary for your own sake, and no doubt he will get angry about it and try to make you feel guilty! But this is the consequence of his behaviour - if you wear the consequence, what will he learn? The more you soften the blow, the more you prevent him from recovery and collude with his drinking/alcoholic behaviour.
Your husband has two DUI's and part of his punishment is that they have removed his ability to drive at this time. If you pick up the pieces and drive him, is he fully experiencing the consequences of his actions? It sounds to me like if anyone is being punished, it is you. A 1.5hr add-on to your commute is a lot and is tiring. So once again you are paying the price for his mistakes.
Personally, I think it is time to make this problem his and set some boundaries. Decide what your boundaries are. For instance, you might say to him that you are prepared to drive him to work but you are not prepared to take him home (are their buses that run after work that he could take to get home?). Or you might say that you are prepared to take him to work a couple of times a week, but not every day - and he will need to find another solution. Perhaps give him a week or two to find an alternative solution, but let him know when you are going to stop transporting him so he knows.
Many would suggest you stop transporting him altogether - and I would also agree with that, but if you would prefer to find a compromise, the above might be an alternative for you. It's not easy to make a boundary for your own sake, and no doubt he will get angry about it and try to make you feel guilty! But this is the consequence of his behaviour - if you wear the consequence, what will he learn? The more you soften the blow, the more you prevent him from recovery and collude with his drinking/alcoholic behaviour.
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Just to add: some here have suggested some transport options. Why are you working out the solution for him? He needs to find that solution himself. Don't rescue him. Let him grow up - you won't be doing him any favours to continue in the Rescuer role. Advice given to me today 
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
Wait...ok, so you are married, but still, why is this YOUR problem?
Are your finances intermingled?
Is there any way you can separate out your accounts?
I was reading a post from someone who suggested, anyone married to an active alcoholic is best off keeping their finances separate.
Even if he finds a ride to work, it is not guaranteed that his disease won't make him lose his job in one way or another.
Can you do this...set up a separate account, to protect yourself?
Are your finances intermingled?
Is there any way you can separate out your accounts?
I was reading a post from someone who suggested, anyone married to an active alcoholic is best off keeping their finances separate.
Even if he finds a ride to work, it is not guaranteed that his disease won't make him lose his job in one way or another.
Can you do this...set up a separate account, to protect yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
The buses run to get him home. Frankly, I don't care about him getting home because his job is over for the day...so his job isn't in jeopardy. So he does take the bus home, but he will frequently call me to pick him up 1/2 way because the other bus "takes too long" or he has a friend take him to his moms and calls me to pick him up. Or he has his coworker drop him off at home instead of going back to the shop because he doesn't want to take the bus...which means less hours on his paycheck.
I see even picking him up 1/2 way is enabling him and even though I don't do it all the time, I am no longer going to do that starting today.
As for finances, I live in a community property state...1/2 and 1/2. So even if I have a separate bank account, it is still 1/2 his. That being said....he has no checks or ATM to the account. I pay all bills and I have the only ATM to the account. I have also taken precautions so even if he walked into the bank there are limitations to the damage he can do. His paycheck is direct deposited. He has no ID since the courts took his license away.
I have a hard time separating what I am "supposed" to do as a married person versus what I am "supposed" to do being married to an alcoholic. Meaning, wouldn't most wifes wake up and drive their husband's to work if they only had 1 car? So my mind keeps telling me that I am being a "bad" wife by not driving him to work...when another part of me knows that this most likely is above and beyond the call of duty...
The detaching during marriage, that part, even though I think I am getting better, I really haven't mastered it yet.
I did spend the drive this a.m. thinking and praying. He slept on the way up. I should be mad, but I enjoyed the peace.
I see even picking him up 1/2 way is enabling him and even though I don't do it all the time, I am no longer going to do that starting today.
As for finances, I live in a community property state...1/2 and 1/2. So even if I have a separate bank account, it is still 1/2 his. That being said....he has no checks or ATM to the account. I pay all bills and I have the only ATM to the account. I have also taken precautions so even if he walked into the bank there are limitations to the damage he can do. His paycheck is direct deposited. He has no ID since the courts took his license away.
I have a hard time separating what I am "supposed" to do as a married person versus what I am "supposed" to do being married to an alcoholic. Meaning, wouldn't most wifes wake up and drive their husband's to work if they only had 1 car? So my mind keeps telling me that I am being a "bad" wife by not driving him to work...when another part of me knows that this most likely is above and beyond the call of duty...
The detaching during marriage, that part, even though I think I am getting better, I really haven't mastered it yet.
I did spend the drive this a.m. thinking and praying. He slept on the way up. I should be mad, but I enjoyed the peace.
Last edited by whyamistaying; 07-22-2009 at 07:28 AM.
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I live in a community property state too, and I've been through a divorce, so I know a little bit about this.
Do you not have any accounts, or any assets that were yours going into the marriage? Anything you brought into the marriage, as long as there is no co-mingling, he cannot lay claim to.
As far as separating out what most wives do...IMO, you gotta look at what circumstances are creating that need that he has for you.
Ask yourself, did his alcoholism cause this need? If so, you are enabling to solve the problem. Reason being, he needs to feel the consequences of his disease.
If I were married to a non-alcoholic, chances are the reason he has no car is because it broke down, or some other innocuous reason. IF your husband's car broke down through no fault of his alcoholism, then sure! pick him up til he gets his act together.
Plus, with a non-alcoholic it is more likely to be a temporary situation! An alcoholic with a DUI...well, h*ll no I wouldn't drive him around after that! He needs to see that, this is unacceptable and I'm not gonna clean up his messes.
I would ask myself at all times when it comes to doing things for an alcoholic: am I either directly, or indirectly enabling his disease??
BTW, side note-are you reading Codependent No More? I just picked it up again for the 2nd time. It is such an enlightening book.
Do you not have any accounts, or any assets that were yours going into the marriage? Anything you brought into the marriage, as long as there is no co-mingling, he cannot lay claim to.
As far as separating out what most wives do...IMO, you gotta look at what circumstances are creating that need that he has for you.
Ask yourself, did his alcoholism cause this need? If so, you are enabling to solve the problem. Reason being, he needs to feel the consequences of his disease.
If I were married to a non-alcoholic, chances are the reason he has no car is because it broke down, or some other innocuous reason. IF your husband's car broke down through no fault of his alcoholism, then sure! pick him up til he gets his act together.
Plus, with a non-alcoholic it is more likely to be a temporary situation! An alcoholic with a DUI...well, h*ll no I wouldn't drive him around after that! He needs to see that, this is unacceptable and I'm not gonna clean up his messes.
I would ask myself at all times when it comes to doing things for an alcoholic: am I either directly, or indirectly enabling his disease??
BTW, side note-are you reading Codependent No More? I just picked it up again for the 2nd time. It is such an enlightening book.
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
The buses run to get him home. Frankly, I don't care about him getting home because his job is over for the day...so his job isn't in jeopardy. So he does take the bus home, but he will frequently call me to pick him up 1/2 way because the other bus "takes too long" or he has a friend take him to his moms and calls me to pick him up. Or he has his coworker drop him off at home instead of going back to the shop because he doesn't want to take the bus...which means less hours on his paycheck.
I see even picking him up 1/2 way is enabling him and even though I don't do it all the time, I am no longer going to do that starting today.
As for finances, I live in a community property state...1/2 and 1/2. So even if I have a separate bank account, it is still 1/2 his. That being said....he has no checks or ATM to the account. I pay all bills and I have the only ATM to the account. I have also taken precautions so even if he walked into the bank there are limitations to the damage he can do. His paycheck is direct deposited. He has no ID since the courts took his license away.
I have a hard time separating what I am "supposed" to do as a married person versus what I am "supposed" to do being married to an alcoholic. Meaning, wouldn't most wifes wake up and drive their husband's to work if they only had 1 car? So my mind keeps telling me that I am being a "bad" wife by not driving him to work...when another part of me knows that this most likely is above and beyond the call of duty...
The detaching during marriage, that part, even though I think I am getting better, I really haven't mastered it yet.
I did spend the drive this a.m. thinking and praying. He slept on the way up. I should be mad, but I enjoyed the peace.
I see even picking him up 1/2 way is enabling him and even though I don't do it all the time, I am no longer going to do that starting today.
As for finances, I live in a community property state...1/2 and 1/2. So even if I have a separate bank account, it is still 1/2 his. That being said....he has no checks or ATM to the account. I pay all bills and I have the only ATM to the account. I have also taken precautions so even if he walked into the bank there are limitations to the damage he can do. His paycheck is direct deposited. He has no ID since the courts took his license away.
I have a hard time separating what I am "supposed" to do as a married person versus what I am "supposed" to do being married to an alcoholic. Meaning, wouldn't most wifes wake up and drive their husband's to work if they only had 1 car? So my mind keeps telling me that I am being a "bad" wife by not driving him to work...when another part of me knows that this most likely is above and beyond the call of duty...
The detaching during marriage, that part, even though I think I am getting better, I really haven't mastered it yet.
I did spend the drive this a.m. thinking and praying. He slept on the way up. I should be mad, but I enjoyed the peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Can he get a conditional license from the DMV? I live in New York and my boyfriend has an aggravated DWI. The DMV allowed him a condition license, which allows him to drive to work and back, to doctor appointments or treatments and back, and let him choose 3 hours a week to drive anywhere he wants to do whatever else he needs. Maybe he can look into getting one?
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Join Date: May 2008
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If she starts looking into this, then once again, she is solving his problems for him.
He's an adult. Let him figure it out for himself.
If their roles were reversed, would HE be searching high and low to figure out a way for her to get to work? Of course not.
He's an adult. Let him figure it out for himself.
If their roles were reversed, would HE be searching high and low to figure out a way for her to get to work? Of course not.
Originally Posted by snowdreamerny
Can he get a conditional license from the DMV? I live in New York and my boyfriend has an aggravated DWI. The DMV allowed him a condition license, which allows him to drive to work and back, to doctor appointments or treatments and back, and let him choose 3 hours a week to drive anywhere he wants to do whatever else he needs. Maybe he can look into getting one?
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I think Sandrawg's advice to you is very wise (about separating things out). It can get very grey, however, and your mind can become very confused when living with an alcoholic who blames a lot. I can't recommend Al-Anon enough to people - it really helps to sort out that confusion. It is very common to partners of alcoholics, so don't think it's just you!
I was wondering what you meant when you said starting today you were no longer going to drive him, and then talked about the peace you felt when driving him today!! I guess you are going to start tomorrow??
I was wondering what you meant when you said starting today you were no longer going to drive him, and then talked about the peace you felt when driving him today!! I guess you are going to start tomorrow??
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Originally Posted by beginner
I think Sandrawg's advice to you is very wise (about separating things out). It can get very grey, however, and your mind can become very confused when living with an alcoholic who blames a lot. I can't recommend Al-Anon enough to people - it really helps to sort out that confusion. It is very common to partners of alcoholics, so don't think it's just you!
I was wondering what you meant when you said starting today you were no longer going to drive him, and then talked about the peace you felt when driving him today!! I guess you are going to start tomorrow??
I was wondering what you meant when you said starting today you were no longer going to drive him, and then talked about the peace you felt when driving him today!! I guess you are going to start tomorrow??
So yes, drive him only in the a.m., until I figure out a good boundary, but no picking up since that doesn't interfere with his job and he got himself into this mess. And I am starting today and it feels good...better yet, great!
To answer the other question, I finished Codependent No More and was starting her Step Study book.
About the license, no chance for a provisional...he loses it for 1 year no driving whatsoever.
**I wanted to add this...on Tues night I do my work from home at night after the kids are asleep. Now not only do I have to do my work and finish after midnight sometimes 1:00 a.m., but I have to wake up at 5:00 a.m. to drive him. What does he tell me...that he is going to sleep. He hasn't helped feed the dogs, bedtime, nothing. He knows it adds hours to my day and doesn't help out...so that is where the frustration comes from. So would he do this for me...no!
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whyamistaying, just offering hugs, i can barely take care of myself these days and i only have one job and live very close to it... no kids.. and still... sometimes the stress is too much!
to me, you are quite the heroine.
i am glad you are starting to put boundaries!
to me, you are quite the heroine.
i am glad you are starting to put boundaries!
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
whyamistaying, just offering hugs, i can barely take care of myself these days and i only have one job and live very close to it... no kids.. and still... sometimes the stress is too much!
to me, you are quite the heroine.
i am glad you are starting to put boundaries!
to me, you are quite the heroine.
i am glad you are starting to put boundaries!
This is YOUR choice that you have made (to drive him to/from work). Therefore, it is YOUR consequence that you are getting up at 5am and finishing your own work at midnight or 1am. Rather than complaining about the lack of responsibility he takes, how about letting go of that role that gives us that reward - the role of Caretaker and Rescuer. Instead, take care of yourself. Set boundaries. If you're not willing to do that, then there's no use complaining about early starts and late finishes! These are the result of the choices you have made.
Sorry to sound so harsh, but sometimes it helps us to be clear about "the things we can change" vs. "the things we can't."
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Just some advice about your community property situation, if you are paying bills like taxes and the mortgage, house repairs,heating expenses etc get the person you are paying to write on the receipt received from YOU in case you go to divorce court.
Also the idea of a conditional licence sounds great.
Ngaire
Also the idea of a conditional licence sounds great.
Ngaire
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I don't think the heroine part was referring to AH.
I guess I would have to respectfully disagree. I do set boundaries elsewhere...albeit not great at times since I am still learning this skill. I understand where these last posters are coming from...I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't throw out his beer when he is done drinking. I don't call into work sick. I don't drive him to get his hair cut (like he asked). There are lots of great boundaries I do make. I take care of my kids and myself.
But I was asking about how do you deal with the drive to work when by not taking him he may lose his job? It helped to brainstorm with everyone as this was a boundary that was tripping me up. That was my point, I don't want to do something when he ungrateful and doesn't carry the load. And I couldn't figure out how to not do that. That's what I was asking.
I wasn't saying that I have to do x and y to be a martyr. I was saying that because my plate is already full....I am married, but I am responsible for 2 young kids and the animals. I didn't want to have to drive him. I didn't want to add that to my plate. That was my point. But I didn't see how I could get around that.
I can't comment on the dog because it breaks my heart that an animal should have to suffer because of an alcoholic. He doesn't have hands to open a can or the refrigerator.
Anyways, I woke up this morning and AH is gone. We talked and he said a coworker picked him up. I guess this guy is willing to pick him up in the mornings. He will have to pay him $20 a ride (his lunch money). But I wanted to share.
What is scary is that even when I stop doing things to enable him AH finds someone else who will. He borrowed money from the guy because he didn't have money. It makes me sad for the guy, but it isn't my problem.
I guess I would have to respectfully disagree. I do set boundaries elsewhere...albeit not great at times since I am still learning this skill. I understand where these last posters are coming from...I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't throw out his beer when he is done drinking. I don't call into work sick. I don't drive him to get his hair cut (like he asked). There are lots of great boundaries I do make. I take care of my kids and myself.
But I was asking about how do you deal with the drive to work when by not taking him he may lose his job? It helped to brainstorm with everyone as this was a boundary that was tripping me up. That was my point, I don't want to do something when he ungrateful and doesn't carry the load. And I couldn't figure out how to not do that. That's what I was asking.
I wasn't saying that I have to do x and y to be a martyr. I was saying that because my plate is already full....I am married, but I am responsible for 2 young kids and the animals. I didn't want to have to drive him. I didn't want to add that to my plate. That was my point. But I didn't see how I could get around that.
I can't comment on the dog because it breaks my heart that an animal should have to suffer because of an alcoholic. He doesn't have hands to open a can or the refrigerator.
Anyways, I woke up this morning and AH is gone. We talked and he said a coworker picked him up. I guess this guy is willing to pick him up in the mornings. He will have to pay him $20 a ride (his lunch money). But I wanted to share.
What is scary is that even when I stop doing things to enable him AH finds someone else who will. He borrowed money from the guy because he didn't have money. It makes me sad for the guy, but it isn't my problem.
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Originally Posted by whyamistaying
I wasn't saying that I have to do x and y to be a martyr. I was saying that because my plate is already full....I am married, but I am responsible for 2 young kids and the animals. I didn't want to have to drive him. I didn't want to add that to my plate. That was my point. But I didn't see how I could get around that.
L
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You've set a boundary and magically he found a way to get what he needed some other way. Turns out you weren't his only hope after all. But without the boundary, he would've kept trying to convince you that you were.
It's amazing how that happens sometimes
Keep taking small steps. Keep your eyes open for ways to keep setting boundaries that make your life better. Keep questioning whether this is how you want to live.
Although there are many here who have walked a mile (okay, a hundred miles) in your shoes and who want to help you to learn what they've learned, it's not up to anyone else to decide how happy you choose to be. Take what you need and leave the rest.
It's amazing how that happens sometimes
Keep taking small steps. Keep your eyes open for ways to keep setting boundaries that make your life better. Keep questioning whether this is how you want to live.
Although there are many here who have walked a mile (okay, a hundred miles) in your shoes and who want to help you to learn what they've learned, it's not up to anyone else to decide how happy you choose to be. Take what you need and leave the rest.
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I have a hard time separating what I am "supposed" to do as a married person versus what I am "supposed" to do being married to an alcoholic. Meaning, wouldn't most wifes wake up and drive their husband's to work if they only had 1 car?
I so much want to be a good person, a kind person, a fair person. But because I didn't know how to validate myself or assess my own behaviour and wants, I tried to do what others thought was best, or what I thought others thought was best. I had to be perfect, not out of arrogance, but out of a lack of an internal anchor, and a dread that no-one would be around me if I wasn't. That'll drive you crazy, because everyone has a different opinion and you can't do them all
lots of wives wouldn't wake up early and haul their kids 35 miles before starting their day of parenting and then their own paid work. ESPECIALLY if he was ungrateful, or not pulling his weight. Lots of husbands wouldn't either, no matter why you only had one car: not if it bugged the heck out of them to do it.
They are still good people, decent, kind, wives and husbands, loved by their families and friends, their company sought out. You are too. There aren't any "shoulds" (legal stuff notwithstanding) to being a wife, each relationship is a unique partnership that each of us negotiates with our own partner individually, based on what feels okay and reasonable to us.
I happen to think that I would be screamingly ticked off in your shoes and therefore think your annoyance is justified, but really it doesn't matter what I think or anyone else does.
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