thanks
 

i just wanted to thank everyone here. it's a month since i found this forum. i am reading and sometimes writing. it was a great help to me.
i understand that i should not check here and there for my ah empty bottles. he is drinking so why should i continue to control him.
the result is that he is drunk when he is home. we don't argue. because i feel pity for him. i see him as a sick person.i help him to go to bed or even to the bathroom since he had episodes of falling during the past weeks. around his eyes and mouth is yellowish. i did my best to convince him to go and see a doctor. but as you may know he is a doctor himself and he knows better than me what alcohol is doing to him.
anyway, since we don't argue for weeks so last night he wanted us to go out. he was the one who suggest dining out.
anyway, he was drunk before we go out! i helped him walk since he was so unbalance. when i calmly asked why he had more than enough he said he is ok and i acuse him for no reason! anyway, he was sleeping before they serve our dinner and i had to wake him up couple of times! when he wanted to pay the check, he gave a 5 euro insted of 50 and he was waiting for the rest. i felt so ashamed! i told myself i will never ever go out in this situation. i think i am depressed i hate myself to stay with him! last night before i sleep i asked god to make sleep for good but God doesn't love me enough to kill me. i am thankful to everybody here. though i may feel depressed but at least here i can pour out and talk.
thanks every body.

Be kind to yourself, you are in a tough situation and are handling it as best you know how. Don't hate yourself. I was depressed for a long time with my exab and honestly still am a little today but every day that passes is a day that I'm a little less miserable. You know why? Because I don't associate with him anymore! It was like having a 160 pound cancerous tumor removed from my side! I feel like a new woman, am slowly recovering and can see a brighter future than I did when I was with him. Things that a month ago would've driven me to sobs don't anymore. I find myself laughing, REALLY laughing with friends and family. I can sleep through the night and my stomach is not in knots when I wake up in the morning. All things I'd lost in my time with the axbf before I made boundaries.

It's been a little over a month for me, too. Are you going to al-alon meetings? Seeing a therapist? Maybe you should think about some healthy boundaries you can establish to make it all a bit easier. I still have to see my ex at work but I have set up some serious boundaries (for him and myself) and it has helped me tremendously!

thanks Crazy4him. you are a strong woman. i wish i could leave him but i can't. i have my reasons and for the time being i can't make it. i blame myself for the mistakes he makes. i know i am not responsible for his drunkness but i promised myself to not go out with him when he is drunk. it embaresses me a lot the way he talk the way he walk. i hate it and myself to be in this situation. as you said it is somehow a cancerous tumore but i am trying to heal it. i am doing my best to make him stop but so long no success.

(((((sara)))))

I'm sorry your are hurting and suffering in this relationship with an advanced stage alcoholic.

Please understand that you did not cause his alcoholism. He is an adult and made the choice to consume alcohol.

Please understand that you can not control his drinking. As an adult, he will have to choose how much and how often.

Please also understand that you can not cure his drinking. You are not that powerful. Only he can cure his addiction. He has to make the first step. He has to want to stop the progressive cycle of addiction. He has to want it more than anything!

Just as he is an adult and in total control of his destiny, you are in control of your life. You have choices to make, you have control of your responses, and you have control of which actions you take.

You do not have to put yourself into publicly embarassing situations anymore. You have choices. You don't have to go, you can order in for the evening. You don't have to physically support a drunk, they bounce! Let him fall down and pick himself up, over and over and over again.

You are letting his alcoholism suck the joy out of your life. This is your life too. Your precious life should not revolve around his addiction.

Please take the time today to contact a support group, a therapist, or even a massage therapist! Do something kind for yourself. You have taken care of him for a long time, who will take care of you?

i am doing my best to make him stop but so long no success.

Just stop! You will never succeed at this Sara, never. If it was possible for us to stop our loved ones from drinking we would not be here!!!

And here's another reason to stop mistakenly thinking you can get him to stop: you are putting a whole lot of your precious life energy into a black hole. All that wasted energy could work miracles for YOU!

You say you cannot leave him right now? OK But you can actually make changes in yourself, starting today, that will make YOUR life much much less miserable. If you work at fixing YOURSELF instead of him you will in fact regain the JOY & POSSIBILITY of life.

I had to take the focus completely off my Alcoholic loved ones. No one could do that for me. I had to make an effort to focus, each day, each minute, on myself and on my problems, my future, my goals, my dreams.

Alanon really helped me alot with this. Can you try an AlAnon meeting?

The pattern of "helping" the alcoholic to continue functioning, feeling trapped in the relationship, feeling so low you wish you'd never wake up, is fairly common in spouses of alcoholics, it's just one of the many horrible free gifts that come along with addiction. It will not only suck your Hubby in it will wrap its tentacles around you and try to drag you under too!

Nothing changes if nothing changes. YOU are the only person YOU can change!

peace,
b

If you can, stop helping him to bed, to the car, stop helping him with walking. One thing that helps me is I keep reminding myself: Do not do for anyone what they are old enough and capable to do for themself.

I agree, can you go to Al-Anon?

GOD DOES LOVE YOU!!!!! Don't think that way! We ALL love you here, too! Do you have family close by? Can you go to the doctor and tell the doctor how you are feeling? I think you may have depression so you should see a doctor. Is there anyone in your community you can ask for help?

Sara1971, Scattare su questa maglia:

Al-Anon/Alateen Italia

Questo mi ha aiutato.

Melissa

hi sara-

god does love you but he is not going to do for you what you must do for yourself. really, if god was going to take his own when they suffer horribly, do you not think he would have released john-the-baptist from his cell, after his mission was already complete?

i felt as you do when i was living with my xABF. i hadn't told anyone what was going on in our home. after reading here for some time, i slowly began to open my mouth. i started talking about how trapped i felt. and help was forthcoming.

i know its hard to begin to seek outside help. there are all sorts of issues: privacy, respect, pride, amongst others.

however, it does not sound healthy at all your situation. i hope you start to reach out more. we are here, sara and we have walked a mile in your shoes.

naive

thanks everyone. i am so happy to pour out to you and i appreciate all of you for your kind replies. i know i should see a therapist. but i live in a small town and my ah doesn't see his problem. he says he can control it when he wants.i should work on myself. i guess i am really depressed because i cried with each response to my message.