goodbyelove

Hi. I don't really know where to start. I just recently, as of 2 weeks ago broke up with my abf. We had been together over a year and a half...For the most part, we had kind of been in an idle relationship, in between breaking up and staying together for a long time. We met right after an ex-abusive fiance and I broke it off, about 2 months later or so... I never intended on dating so soon, but we hung out and played music together and the bond formed fast. It was not immeadiately obvious that he was an alcoholic, at first, because I was recovering from the abuse I had endured, I also wanted to escape life..only my drug of choice was my new bf, not drugs or alcohol. We hung out partied, as I got healthier and healed I began to see the situation more clearly. We stayed together, I was extremely co-dependent because of the recent breakup and the abuse, and he was happy to be with someone for the first time in years. As time went on, his alcoholism hit me closer and closer to him, it was so painful for me; I felt it was a personal blow; that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend, or didn't love him enough for him to be sober with me. I see now that's not true, and hence why we broke up...Eventually I grew exhausted by his addiction, always placing his alcohol and pot over me, until when I had to have surgery and had a cancer scare, and he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most because he was completley wasted, it was the last straw. I kept holding on for so long, but it was time. I asked him flat out, to choose alcohol or me... He wanted to say that he could moderate, that he was capable of regulating his drinking...but after a 1 and a half, I knew that wasn't possible, if ever. So we broke up. And now, healing from my recent surgery and gaining strength back every day, I find I miss him, but more than that, I hate the idea that he is fine...that this break up, which is tearing me apart, is having no effect him whatsoever. It seems that he relishes his new single life in that he can drink as much as he wants and not have to be held in check...I need to move on so badly, and I am trying, but this is very hard for me...I am also trying to not cope in the same way I have in the past; by bouncing from relationship to relationship...I know you can't ever be in a happy, healthy relationship until you yourself and happy,healthy, and whole on your own. I have so far to go, and in the meantime and finding it incredibly difficult to keep my mind occupied, as normally I would work out and construct things; ie, artwork, but since the surgery I'm very limited on what I can and cannot do. I don't know what advice people can offer on this wierd subject, but if anyone has any ideas...Please help. I need to not be with an alcoholic again, my dad is an alcoholic as well and I am drawn to them... and move on with my life.

Learn2Live

Al-Anon helped me. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. The Al-Anon ACOA meetings also helped me.

Crazy4Him

The first thing I would do is stop knowing what he's doing. Go no contact. Knowing who he's with, what he's doing and how he's "feeling" is only going to keep you stuck.

And on that note, do not compare his outsides to your insides. I know when I break up with someone I love I make sure that I smile and look great and really put on a SHOW whenever that person is around when, really, I'm in so much pain inside that I couldn't bear to let them see. People put on facades, especially when they're hurt, please don't take anything he says or does at face value, because you'll never know for sure how he's feeling inside. Seeing as he's an alcoholic though I'd say it's a pretty safe guess that, one way or the other, he's hurting, too. Don't be afraid to cry. CRY. RAGE. Just don't let him see it. I personally think this is an important step to take. Feel your feelings even if it means you're crying five times a day. Pretty soon it will only be three times a day, then two....

I had to stop talking to my ex completely and had to tell other people to stop talking to me about him in order to move on. I keep myself extremely busy on my days off, friends, family, movies, mani/pedis, shopping. I've read a lot of books since my break up, it's nice to dissapear into another world. It's been about a month and please believe me when I tell you IT DOES GET EASIER. The first two weeks of no contact was the hardest for me because that's when I knew it was really over, but after that... the change in my happiness and quality of life shifted so much. My ex became a habit for me, so I made new habits. I got a pedicure for the first time in my life. Man, I was missing out!

Just give it time, pamper yourself and know that you're making the best desicion to you. Really, you are. Don't torture yourself thinking that he is SOOOO happy and SOOOO over it. Sadly if he is still drinking, then he is still suffering. You've made the choice not to suffer with him anymore and it's the bravest and wisest thing you could do. Take care of yourself first.

GiveLove

I second all of Crazy4Him's suggestions, and I'll share what worked for me too:

I went no-contact.

I got myself a counselor who specialized in grief, and had him help me work through all of the pain I was suffering.

I scheduled something healing every other day: a massage, a facial, a free workshop on aromatherapy at the natural grocery store, whatever.

I got the catalog from my local "free university" or adult education organization (in Chicago I think it's called "Discovery Center," right?) and went through and circled all the things that sounded cool. Then I gave myself a class.

I read a lot of books by authors who could help me find myself again, like Barbara Sher, Martha Beck, and others. I also went to more movies than usual -- not romances! -- just to escape into another world. I went to a lot of documentaries even, just to immerse myself in the fact that there's a whole huge beautiful crazy vibrant world out there OUTSIDE of this one inferior human being I was obsessing over.

I made sure I got good sleep, took my vitamins (especially B), cut out all depressants like alcohol, cut down on sugar, salt, and caffeine to stabilize my moods, and kept company only with positive people.

This is your life, not his. His choices cannot matter any more. You have decades more life to live on this planet, and the sooner you remove yourself from his sphere of influence and instead focus on packing your life with things that bring you joy, the more you will begin to wake up with a smile on your face in the mornings.

Hugs,
GL

TakingCharge999

goodbyelove, I identify a lot with you... I could have written your post.

I too had a cancer scare and was terrified, I too lived with an alcoholic and I too hate knowing it took, like 20 min. for him to find a new girl and move her in and while this has been the worst year ever he is skating, partying, etc. while I was the "nagging one" preventing his fun yadda yadda.

That last "version" is what an alcoholic likes to believe. Why? Because it makes anyone else's at fault and hides the real problem. But it is not the truth.

They believe people that support their drinking are their real friends and that is one of the many broken promises alcoholism makes to their victims.

But don't be fooled by it being personal... after all these months I have realized its all about alcoholism. And it is too powerful. It has nothing to do with me // only the following people are welcome in my ex's life:

/ people that do not know him well enough and have not realized he has a problem yet
/ people that know he has a problem but are in denial
/ people that know he has a problem and think he is The Party Guy and "enjoying life" and that "its just a stage"

None of them were next to him when he was trembling after a particularly wild night, when he insisted on driving at the wee hours of the night, no one received verbal abuse or were lied to, or were given the emptiest apologies on Earth just to abuse the next day so in order to gain some sanity I had to stop talking to any common "friends" and stop buying anyone outsider version of HOW THINGS ARE REALLY LIKE when you are next to an active alcoholic.

Try to focus on you, what kind of people do you need in your life?

The ex is entitled to believe anything that supports his lifestyle, I mean that is what alcoholics do right. It does not matter what he believes is true or not, an active alcoholic is not going to tell me how life is really like CMON. Now if you think it in terms of you, you were able to realize someone was not really there for you and you had to get distanced from this person... you realized you do not deserve this kind of partner and took action! that is really great (I know many times it does not feel that way)

Someone who is capable of that much hurt is not welcome in my life anymore. A partner is, first, a friend, and if someone is not willing to be a friend to you well there are many more valuable people on this Earth that have enough love in themselves to share and who would never ever think of hurting you.

By now I truly believe people just give out what they have, you can't ask an alcoholic to give love, and you can't give love when you have nothing but hatred towards yourself... its not that they are wonderful and choose to hurt you, truth is they are hurting and that's the only thing they know how to do - hurt themselves and others. It does not matter who is around.

I know how much it sucks, please keep reading/posting and healing, its a bumpy road but its worth it. I am starting to be grateful I was able to get out of that hell in time before things got worse.

Don't be fooled, you know better, you know what alcoholism is really like, you have seen this monster with your own eyes... don't buy any torturing "version" of things in your head, I did it for months, its not worth it.

If an alcoholic is still active that's all you need to know about how prepared he is to be honest. Its not worth waiting for someone to wake up. They may never do. Its a process but when I have been able to say "yes ex, have it. Badmouth me. Drink it all. Show off with everyone about your wonderful life without me. F**k everyone on this Earth. Take drugs. Take all the common "friends". Get all the fun, have it all your way. Just wreck your life and others without me along" .. I finally relax and find some peace... honestly its no use fighting.... with them its not a matter of "if disaster strikes" but a matter of WHEN. You are still around, you WILL heal... you made the best decision

I am around if you'd like to send me a private message... ((hugs))

goodbyelove

Wow, thank you so much for your replies, it really does help. In my heart somewhere I think I know this is the best thing for me long term..it's just hard for me right now to deal with... the thing that amazes me, is that I know what happens..the cycle and all, and yet there are times I can still fool myself into believing all the idealistic thoughts in my head that say what if. I'm so glad I found this site, it's one of the only things that's actually comforted me since the break up...

goodbyelove

Okay, so I see one of the huge problems...We still occasionally message on facebook... And reading all the no-contact rules people write about makes me see how completely addicted to him I am. Maybe that's why it's "easier" for him, he still has his addiction to numb himself with. I don't. I will have to go no-contact, but that means seriously moving on. Ahhhh!!! which is what I need to do. Oh goodnes... :*(

sandrawg

I am sorry it took me so long to read your original post.

This is my story in a nutshell.

Got divorced, then into an abusive rel'ship. Hot off the heels of the abusive mess-I mean almost the DAY AFTER I broke up with the abusive nutjob, I met my exabf. I didn't know he had a drinking problem. I guess the bottle of Jack he downed on our first date should've tipped me off, but it was a party and I didn't really notice how much he really drank of it.

Like you, I was desperate to find love after having been with someone who tore me down at every opportunity. My ex was sweet...loving...kind...the first person who I felt truly loved me after having been abandoned and abused.

I didn't want to see his problems, either. I would debate with him over and over about how much he was going to the bar-it really started to bug me. But the big problem was the cocaine. That was my dealbreaker. He used it once or twice behind my back, didn't tell me.

To make a long story short, I gave ultimatum after ultimatum. He would promise not do do coke, but then a drunken binge made him do it for what was the last time I would put up with. To get me to stay, he said he had an alcohol problem. I asked him to stay sober for a month. He couldn't. He basically kicked me to the curb so he could get drunk on July 4th.

So I know how you feel..there is that initial feeling of invalidation. YOu feel like you meant nothing. Like the rel'ship meant nothing. Well, in essence it did, but through no fault or lack of effort of yours. It's simply the chemical nature of addiction. The addict must have the chemical at any cost.

You think he is fine? He's not fine. Trust me. He is back in the quagmire drama misery of addiction which is actually h*ll for him and he can't face it. Be glad you are out of it. I broke NC with my ex and believe me, he is not fine, post-breakup. He is struggling just in a different way than me.

Anyway, how do you stop this? Learn all you can about the disease-it's symptoms-its characteristics. So you can see the red flags next time.

Ready Melody BEattie. I am enjoying her book Codependent No More. It is giving me hope that I can break my own pattern of troubled men.

And keep posting here. This forum has helped me so much!

**{hugs}}

sandrawg

NC is good for you. I broke NC and it made me miserable. I felt like a relapsed alcoholic after a binge. Even the physical hangover symptoms...

See my post about it. Like I said, you won't get validation from him. You won't get explanations-at least none that will satisfy you. You need to turn inward. As long as you keep in contact w/him, the focus is on him, and you have your own healing work to do.

beginner

Thank you for your story. I smiled when you described it as weird. Actually, it is similar to all our stories because for us as partners or ex-partners of alcoholics, we all have these things in common with each other.

I wanted to pick up on a couple of things you mentioned in your story. First, I think it's great that you broke up with your boyfriend, and I commend you on making such a courageous choice before it became a committed relationship, before children became involved and complicated the situation... And I want to commend you on recognizing some of the patterns that are going on in your life.

I don't know if this assurance is helpful or not - but I can say that the alcoholic that was in your life is certainly not happy. Often alcoholics do not experience the full force of stressful situations or grief, because alcohol numbs their emotions. But they are not happy. So don't think about him in that way.

It's wonderful that you recognize that your "drug of choice" is found in a relationship, and that you see the pattern of going from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. It's good that you recognize that you need to feel ok about being alone, and to work on being whole and healed before moving into another relationship - otherwise you will only repeat these patterns over and over again in your life, or get stuck in an abusive relationship - and waste years of your life in misery.

At the moment you are wanting to keep yourself busy to escape the emotions that you are feeling at the moment. I have another suggestion: that you find support and help. To address your alcoholism/abuse in your childhood and deal with the issues in your own life. There are many agencies that can help you with this. The two I will recommend are some good counselling (or therapy) and Al-Anon.

At the moment I am going through a separation with my husband while pregnant - it may be a temporary or permanent situation depending on what choices he makes. It is a very difficult situation to be in, but I structure my week so that I have support right the way through it. On Mondays I have Al-Anon, on Tuesdays I have counselling, on Wednesdays I have a support group I attend, on Thursday and Friday I have work (and I attend a church homegroup that's very supportive on Thursday and can attend another Al-Anon meeting on Friday if I need it), on Saturday I ensure I have organized to see a friend or spend some time with my mum, and on Sunday I have church and sometimes catch up with friends for coffee.

This makes me stronger, helps me to grow and heal, and supports me so that I can work this through.

goodbyelove

Wow that story hit close to home... I guess eventually enough is enough, just reading your posts and the posts of others on SR really helps me to put things in perspective. I really have to remind myself of his addiction. It still hurts, but a lot less so when I think of what a future between us would have entailed. As of now I am NC, wish me luck. Thank you so much for your posts, I will do some research and try and stay strong, work on myself and take care of myself, something I neglected to do while we were together and I was caring for him.

goodbyelove

Thank you for your reply, and your insight. I have been trying to push myself to go back to therapy, since after breaking up with the abusive ex I never really dealt with things. I made a promise to myself after breaking up with my abf that I would go, and you laying out your week's plan sounds so inspiring and healthy! It made me realize a few key things that I am missing in my life that I sacrificed while in my past relationship; taking care of myself, healing, and my relationship with God. When I read your week plan it sounded nostalgic and reminded me that before meeting my abf I was on a path to healing and strength as well. I am afraid to go to meetings, simply because I'm shy and it means facing up to reality, but I have made the choice to not only go to therapy but also to the women's center and possibly (ok I realllllly need to) Al-anon meetings as well. It's better to deal with things and actually heal, than to live in denial and face the same battles over and over again. Thank you so much for your post, I feel for you and sincerely hope and pray for the best with you and your husband and your child. I know that whatever the outcome, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and however terribly difficult your situation, I can tell that you have already made some decisions which will affect your life for the better; I truly can't imagine what you must be going through, but can honestly say as a child of an alcoholic father that I commend you for doing what you're doing right now. Your strength right now in at least taking a stand will trickle down into your child's life and give them strength too!! I hope for the best for you and your husband and daughter, keep me posted!

beginner

Thank you for your kind words. We are in this together! And that's what I find so encouraging about Al-Anon is the support and love that is found there. You will feel it - it takes time. But at Al-Anon we all have something in common and can relate to one another's stories and struggles.

The first Al-Anon meeting I attended didn't feel right, the second one I tried felt better - but due to work commitments I had to change to a third one, and I am so glad I did - just in the short time I have been there, I feel the warmth and welcome there. Sometimes you need to try a few groups to find one that fits, so don't be put off. And it's ok to not say anything for a while - or even to participate in the readings if you feel too shy. Everyone understands how it feels to be new.

If you'd like to hear more about my story, or keep in touch with my journey, I write a blog that you can read/follow or participate anonymously in if you wish to: The Diary of an Alcoholic's Partner

TakingCharge999

Hi goodbyelove, how are you doing today?

No more Facebook... honestly, its better not to know... imagine one day seeing his profile and him with a picture kissing someone new and dedicating her "YOUR" songs? its not worth the pain.....

The best thing I ever did was open a brand new Facebook and only add people that do not know him, my sister, etc. I hated to see my FB and find the odd picture and "walk on eggshells" online.

Of course if they are drinking everything is easy, but it is not real. You always have the bottle to numb your feelings... drinking is not "moving on" as you and I understand it. My ex said he was planning to drink until the very last day of his life.... I mean what can one say to that??

Not sure if you had kids with him but if you didn't, remember you still have a shot of giving any future kids of yours a real father in their lives.

sandrawg

What has helped me so much, getting on SR, is realizing that I am not alone!!

You and I have the same story...so does lucidgirl...so do about 2 or 3 others who only just got out of their relationships. As you read more and more, you will find out that the alcoholics in our lives are all amazingly similar as well.

They all say textbook things. They do textbook things. It's fascinating from a scientific perspective, or a psychological perspective, because addiction has the same effect on the brain and humans adapt to it the same way. Codependence, as a co-existing disease, is purely the result of psychological adaptations we make to survive a close relationship with someone in the throes of addiction.

It's fascinating yet tragic at the same time.

I often think there is no greater pain than watching someone you love destroy themselves slowly and painfully.

I think we all need therapy, support, al-anon...whatever we can find and use to help us...after dealing with THAT particular consequence of the disease, alone. Forget all the other stuff we've been through...lies, manipulation, distortions...all the behavioral and psychological games that make us feel like we are going crazy.

I guess the upshot is, you're not alone. We've been through it, we're surviving and thriving! And we're here for you :ghug3

sandrawg

Right-and all of that is just a smokescreen. You're seeing the "happy" face he portrays to the world. You're NOT seeing the girl he's with going through the same cr*p that YOU went through, and that's BOUND to happen as long as he is still drinking!

goodbyelove

When I read your post about the meetings I can already tell how much it would help me! It's really hard but I feel like as of now the only people I can talk to about what's going on are the people on SR. Many other people simply don't understand, and unknowingly say things that set me back like, "I really like him, he cares about you so much" or "I can tell how much you guys love each other, it will work out"...but they don't get it. That that's how it looks on the outside, and really, on the inside everything is empty. I look forward to going to meetings and building up a support framework where I live!! Thank you! :-)

goodbyelove

I can only imagine how I would feel to see a pic of him and another girl, I can tell just by his change in profile/pic that he's doing the whole-heartedly single and unattached thing..I still feel very much attached. He's also friends with a lot of my friends and family on facebook, it's really hard. Looking at things today, I really do think he's trying to have the best of both worlds..Talking to me and messaging me, and at the same time "enjoying" the freedom of doing whatever he wants. I have been nice in replying and such up until now, but it's killing me and making him happy. Time to be nice to me now.

sandrawg

Oh yeah, I had to filter out other people's comments. One of his friends told me, "his drinking hasn't hurt anything but his relationship with you, and that's just cuz you can't accept his 'recreational drinking'."

I won't even get into how mad they made me, on so many levels.

I have a friend who's brother is an alcoholic, and she and I are going to start going to meetings together, and I'm excited about that. I'm glad you're considering it.

goodbyelove

Yes it's terrible! I care about him so much, and love him..and he keeps hurting himself, and it kills me!! I see the patterns, and already know when things are heading in a certain direction... I wish I had gotten out earlier, but now I see that I did get out early. It could have easily gone like this for years and years, until we got married or had children, etc... The support on here is amazing, I can't put into words how much it has helped me already to gain perspective and re-focus on the truth: he is an alcoholic, until he is ready to and seeks help, it will never work. No matter how badly I want to or how hard I try or how much I love him; I cannot fix him.