Help. I think I fell in love with an addict.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 1
Help. I think I fell in love with an addict.
Hi, I'm new.
I am not personally in recovery. But my newly ex-boyfriend (very suddenly ex) is 5 years sober, showed me the medallion and we never drank. I am spinning from something that happened a month ago. We had a 14 month relationship which was, by all counts, fantastic. We endured three tragic deaths of loved ones, the deaths of my family dog and small animals, and he helped me, supported me, "loved" me, as I did the same for him. Then suddenly one night he tells me I'm the most amazing woman he's ever met but it's time to move on. I was shocked. But I stood up, opened the door and told him he could go if that's how he felt. I understand that men get scared, get flooded, need to withdraw. I felt confident that this was what was going on. I told him I was surprised and needed to be alone to create space for this new bit of information. He didn't leave though. He stayed sitting on the couch. What followed was very strange. He continued to give me reasons for his departure (which I didn't really ask for)--it was as though he were speaking from a script. "Go, then," I said. "We're breaking up, and that's that." But he didn't leave. He kept saying, "I don't see us every breaking up. I want you in my life forever." I told him that if we break up, he's an ex-boyfriend and I'll want to heal from the relationship and move on, which I can't do if we're in eachother's lives forever.
I got emotional, confused by his words. I insisted on his leaving, but he wouldn't move. Finally, I got into my car and left. For the past month, he has continued to insist that we be in eachother's lives forever because he loves me, because we had such a wonderful relationship, because (here's the kicker) I rank among his most highly beloved people like his "grandma." I thought he was telling me he was doubting his decision to leave so I engaged the conversations. But the other day when I asked him why he was breaking up with me if he loved me so much, he said, "We make choices." The words chilled me all the way to the bone. I noticed I'd been engaging in these conversations as a way of helping him, a way of being understanding, hearing his "I love you" and thinking he was on the fence. But then he said "choice," adn I realized he was sticking to the choice he'd made but convincing me to stay in his life. The "co-dependent" alarm went off like wild in my head.
Since then, I've been getting clearer on what he might be doing: he's making a choice but then commandeering my reaction to that choice. I've called him on it and told him not to contact me again.
Naturally, framing it as addict behavior I've been able to "look back" over some of the uncomfortable moments. He was never emotionally abusive until just a week or so before he broke it off (without breaking it, in his mind), the opposite in fact. He never told his mother about us, and I waited for that. He was hyper-fantastic, a "lovely" loving man on all counts to both me and my young daughter. He did the "monologue" thing, often quoting from recovery texts (he works in recovery) when I brought up something I was dealing with. I could go on.
On the second day after the "break-up" he told me this would be much easier if everything wasn't so perfect between us. (?) He also said it was very important to him that I stay in his life. I told him, "Of course it is. I'm not hurting you."
Have I become a hostage/volunteer? Thanks for listening.
I am not personally in recovery. But my newly ex-boyfriend (very suddenly ex) is 5 years sober, showed me the medallion and we never drank. I am spinning from something that happened a month ago. We had a 14 month relationship which was, by all counts, fantastic. We endured three tragic deaths of loved ones, the deaths of my family dog and small animals, and he helped me, supported me, "loved" me, as I did the same for him. Then suddenly one night he tells me I'm the most amazing woman he's ever met but it's time to move on. I was shocked. But I stood up, opened the door and told him he could go if that's how he felt. I understand that men get scared, get flooded, need to withdraw. I felt confident that this was what was going on. I told him I was surprised and needed to be alone to create space for this new bit of information. He didn't leave though. He stayed sitting on the couch. What followed was very strange. He continued to give me reasons for his departure (which I didn't really ask for)--it was as though he were speaking from a script. "Go, then," I said. "We're breaking up, and that's that." But he didn't leave. He kept saying, "I don't see us every breaking up. I want you in my life forever." I told him that if we break up, he's an ex-boyfriend and I'll want to heal from the relationship and move on, which I can't do if we're in eachother's lives forever.
I got emotional, confused by his words. I insisted on his leaving, but he wouldn't move. Finally, I got into my car and left. For the past month, he has continued to insist that we be in eachother's lives forever because he loves me, because we had such a wonderful relationship, because (here's the kicker) I rank among his most highly beloved people like his "grandma." I thought he was telling me he was doubting his decision to leave so I engaged the conversations. But the other day when I asked him why he was breaking up with me if he loved me so much, he said, "We make choices." The words chilled me all the way to the bone. I noticed I'd been engaging in these conversations as a way of helping him, a way of being understanding, hearing his "I love you" and thinking he was on the fence. But then he said "choice," adn I realized he was sticking to the choice he'd made but convincing me to stay in his life. The "co-dependent" alarm went off like wild in my head.
Since then, I've been getting clearer on what he might be doing: he's making a choice but then commandeering my reaction to that choice. I've called him on it and told him not to contact me again.
Naturally, framing it as addict behavior I've been able to "look back" over some of the uncomfortable moments. He was never emotionally abusive until just a week or so before he broke it off (without breaking it, in his mind), the opposite in fact. He never told his mother about us, and I waited for that. He was hyper-fantastic, a "lovely" loving man on all counts to both me and my young daughter. He did the "monologue" thing, often quoting from recovery texts (he works in recovery) when I brought up something I was dealing with. I could go on.
On the second day after the "break-up" he told me this would be much easier if everything wasn't so perfect between us. (?) He also said it was very important to him that I stay in his life. I told him, "Of course it is. I'm not hurting you."
Have I become a hostage/volunteer? Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
I think a hostage is right on the money. He didn't really explain why he wanted to break up. Very confusing. To me, he wants to keep you on the sidelines but does not want commitment anymore. You did the right thing to get in your car and get away as well as not contacting him. It's hard to do and I think you've been very strong. Focus on yourself and your happiness. Try not to think about him. Mind games are very destructive. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It must be really hard for you and your little one. It doesn't sound like he's being very honest.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi Headspun,
Glad you are here. I totally agree with Mama. He is playing games with you. Wants you there, but without real commitment. If this isn't what you want, you might consider what it is you want. If he isn't oferring it, then it sounds pretty healthy to remove yourself from him. Why should he benefit from your love and friendship when he isn't giving you what you need/want from a relationship???
My dad had several girlfriends when I was growing up that we spent one or two years with and then they broke up. As a kid that was very hurtful and confusing. Like a yo yo with your heart and family. As an adult I still deal with the instability I felt back then.
Hugs to you
Miss
Glad you are here. I totally agree with Mama. He is playing games with you. Wants you there, but without real commitment. If this isn't what you want, you might consider what it is you want. If he isn't oferring it, then it sounds pretty healthy to remove yourself from him. Why should he benefit from your love and friendship when he isn't giving you what you need/want from a relationship???
My dad had several girlfriends when I was growing up that we spent one or two years with and then they broke up. As a kid that was very hurtful and confusing. Like a yo yo with your heart and family. As an adult I still deal with the instability I felt back then.
Hugs to you
Miss
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
There's nothing about this dynamic that sounds healthy to me. It sounds like the beginning of a very distorted pathway, if continued. There seems to be no central message from him other than he wants to have his cake and eat it too, but you cannot have anything. What sort of balance in a "relationship" is that?
My vote is hostage taking.
CLMI
My vote is hostage taking.
CLMI
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Since then, I've been getting clearer on what he might be doing: he's making a choice but then commandeering my reaction to that choice. I've called him on it and told him not to contact me again.
This appears - from here - to be a man who focuses solely on his own needs and wishes. He wishes to have you in his life, but only in a very small emotional box, "like his grandma", and he tells you what you want to hear in order to try to keep you there. YOUR needs & feelings are nowhere in this....they don't seem to matter.
Regardless of what you might have shared during a time of great trauma (when many people are enjoying the "rescuer" role and are at their best) it sounds as though your interests would be better served by letting him go and cutting off all contact with this narcissistic person.
Just my two cents...you deserve someone who is committed, loyal, and loving. Not this come here/stay away game he's pulling on you. I couldn't love someone like that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Maine
Posts: 43
Headspun,
Sounds to me like you have a very realistic view of what's going on, and have handled yourself beautifully. I think you are aware that the more contact with him you have, the more you will be exposed to his crazy-making, and the more at risk you are of doubting yourself.
I am sure this is more difficult, emotionally, than you might be sharing, but seeing as you still seem to be in a very healthy place, mentally, right now, I hope that you will decide to go completely "no contact" with this guy, and preserve your sanity!
Best,
at2
Sounds to me like you have a very realistic view of what's going on, and have handled yourself beautifully. I think you are aware that the more contact with him you have, the more you will be exposed to his crazy-making, and the more at risk you are of doubting yourself.
I am sure this is more difficult, emotionally, than you might be sharing, but seeing as you still seem to be in a very healthy place, mentally, right now, I hope that you will decide to go completely "no contact" with this guy, and preserve your sanity!
Best,
at2
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
I almost wonder if he’s got what I call a “hero complex”, which in basic terms is another form of control and codependency. I was the queen codependent, so this is my experience. I've never been an addict, but I'm married to one, and I've heard a person can be both an addict and codependent.
When there is a crisis, trauma, whatever, he’s the “go-to” guy, and he almost gets off on it. He likes to be the hero and solve everyone’s problem. And when there is no crisis or problem to solve, he’s lost, bored, uninterested.
Maybe he’s creating a crisis to solve? Trying to “traumatize” you so he can again come to your rescue? As in “if I break it off with her, she will be so upset, then I can change my mind and be appreciated for my return”. But then, it backfired on him, because you let him go.
These are the thoughts and memories that struck me as I read your post. I used to have that hero complex, before I started on my own recovery from codependence. I was happiest when I was solving someone else’s problems, rescuing someone from themselves, you get the idea.
My vote is he's trying to hold you hostage, but you hold the key to the cuffs!
When there is a crisis, trauma, whatever, he’s the “go-to” guy, and he almost gets off on it. He likes to be the hero and solve everyone’s problem. And when there is no crisis or problem to solve, he’s lost, bored, uninterested.
Maybe he’s creating a crisis to solve? Trying to “traumatize” you so he can again come to your rescue? As in “if I break it off with her, she will be so upset, then I can change my mind and be appreciated for my return”. But then, it backfired on him, because you let him go.
These are the thoughts and memories that struck me as I read your post. I used to have that hero complex, before I started on my own recovery from codependence. I was happiest when I was solving someone else’s problems, rescuing someone from themselves, you get the idea.
My vote is he's trying to hold you hostage, but you hold the key to the cuffs!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
From my experience, it is very hard to be with an addict/alcoholic...well, for many obvious reasons, but the less obvious reason is, the mind games they can play with you.
I think my ex is confused. He wants me but he'd rather have someone who doesn't constantly throw up boundaries. I think he wants someone who'd support his drinking, honestly. A friend in AA said this is typical behavior--when I broke up with the ex the first time over doing coke, he jumped right into a "relationship" with his ex-gf. He then went on a big coke bender, doing coke like, every other night for a month or so before burning out on both coke AND her.
2 months later, he came back to me, making a world of promises. And oh man, he came back RIGHT on the heels of being with her. I mean, he spent the wknd with her and was calling me that Sunday night thinking he MIGHT wanna get back with me.
He promised me he'd get rid of her, but he didn't. Not til a month later when I found out she was still texting him. He either took the coward's way out and blew her off, or it was the "hedge your bets" way out...maybe blow her off but hope that if he couldn't stay clean off the coke, he could go back to her as a back-up. That's what I think anyway.
This kind of squares with what he did 3 days after we broke up for the last time, on July 4th. July 7th, he contacts her and "apologizes" for the "BS" he and i put her through. Wants to hang out.
So, perhaps your guy is doing something similar. Maybe he is testing the waters with a new woman, one who would support his habit if he goes out and starts using again?
Or it could be garden variety addict "I don't know what I want so let me keep you on the hook."
Whatever the reason, you were very strong to pull away. I commend you for doing what is best for you and moving on.
It won't be easy-I broke no contact just 2 wks after the breakup-but we are here for you. **{hugs}}
I think my ex is confused. He wants me but he'd rather have someone who doesn't constantly throw up boundaries. I think he wants someone who'd support his drinking, honestly. A friend in AA said this is typical behavior--when I broke up with the ex the first time over doing coke, he jumped right into a "relationship" with his ex-gf. He then went on a big coke bender, doing coke like, every other night for a month or so before burning out on both coke AND her.
2 months later, he came back to me, making a world of promises. And oh man, he came back RIGHT on the heels of being with her. I mean, he spent the wknd with her and was calling me that Sunday night thinking he MIGHT wanna get back with me.
He promised me he'd get rid of her, but he didn't. Not til a month later when I found out she was still texting him. He either took the coward's way out and blew her off, or it was the "hedge your bets" way out...maybe blow her off but hope that if he couldn't stay clean off the coke, he could go back to her as a back-up. That's what I think anyway.
This kind of squares with what he did 3 days after we broke up for the last time, on July 4th. July 7th, he contacts her and "apologizes" for the "BS" he and i put her through. Wants to hang out.
So, perhaps your guy is doing something similar. Maybe he is testing the waters with a new woman, one who would support his habit if he goes out and starts using again?
Or it could be garden variety addict "I don't know what I want so let me keep you on the hook."
Whatever the reason, you were very strong to pull away. I commend you for doing what is best for you and moving on.
It won't be easy-I broke no contact just 2 wks after the breakup-but we are here for you. **{hugs}}
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