The Challenges of co-parenting with an alcoholic
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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The Challenges of co-parenting with an alcoholic
My son received a call from his father this morning. (the father is now an absent parent, and an active alcoholic) Since his departure, he has not been involved in his son's life much at all. He never has contacted the school my son attends to get progress reports, and of course, he cannot attend school functions due to distance. My son is quite relieved about that, as his dad showed up loaded at a few of his baseball games. Humiliating for a child. About all the involvement he has in his life is his coined phrase "I'll be there for you, if you need me" which is a hollow promise and my son knows it.
I was thinking back today about what it was like trying to co-parent with my XAH during the times he was "dry." (Dry to me means = not actively drinking, but not working a program, or getting ongoing counseling or support. It was his "do it youself" recovery program.)
Co-parenting was nearly impossible. Either he was madly trying to make amends, and behaving like one of my son's buddies, or extremely critical and strict. The later never carried much authority as far as the boys were concerned, as they had absolutely NO respect for their father. It doesn't work. The "do as I say, not as I do" style of parenting carried no weight. My boys always said "how can he expect this of me, when he can't handle his own life and choices?" Depending upon his mood and condition (dry or drunk) we could never agree on consequences for this kids. At times, he had our teenagers stand in the corner for 30 minutes as punishment! What a joke!
Another disturbing occurrence was when my X and I would argue about something, he'd run to the boys rooms and talk bad about me = "mommie is a meanie."
Of course it occurred to me that you can't co-parent with another adult that is not an adult. That about sums it up. It is the perfect mix for the disfunctional family effected by alcohol.
I was thinking back today about what it was like trying to co-parent with my XAH during the times he was "dry." (Dry to me means = not actively drinking, but not working a program, or getting ongoing counseling or support. It was his "do it youself" recovery program.)
Co-parenting was nearly impossible. Either he was madly trying to make amends, and behaving like one of my son's buddies, or extremely critical and strict. The later never carried much authority as far as the boys were concerned, as they had absolutely NO respect for their father. It doesn't work. The "do as I say, not as I do" style of parenting carried no weight. My boys always said "how can he expect this of me, when he can't handle his own life and choices?" Depending upon his mood and condition (dry or drunk) we could never agree on consequences for this kids. At times, he had our teenagers stand in the corner for 30 minutes as punishment! What a joke!
Another disturbing occurrence was when my X and I would argue about something, he'd run to the boys rooms and talk bad about me = "mommie is a meanie."
Of course it occurred to me that you can't co-parent with another adult that is not an adult. That about sums it up. It is the perfect mix for the disfunctional family effected by alcohol.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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I am beginning to see this too.
My exah hardly sees baby (she is 15 months old) anymore. Its getting less and less. He says its due to him not having a license due to his DUI and when he gets his license back it will be different. We will see.
I have watched him parent his older girls and its like what you said....he is either trying to make amends for being a drunk or overly strict trying to prove he is some sort of parent. No happy medium.
Going to be a long road.
My exah hardly sees baby (she is 15 months old) anymore. Its getting less and less. He says its due to him not having a license due to his DUI and when he gets his license back it will be different. We will see.
I have watched him parent his older girls and its like what you said....he is either trying to make amends for being a drunk or overly strict trying to prove he is some sort of parent. No happy medium.
Going to be a long road.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
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Oh my, this was timely! I'm contacting my attorney tomorrow to see if we can modify the agreement....we have 30 days before it's set in stone. XAH hasn't called any of the kids in 2 weeks, hasn't seen the younger 2 since Father's Day, and I took them over then. Missed his first 2 scheduled visitations since we finalized....when I texted him to ask if he was picking the kids up or wanted me to drop off, he replied "sorry--DON'T EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN". He has refused to come out of his house to even see the kids and won't take their phone calls even though he signed the parenting plan that states they can have daily contact with him by phone.
So I am going to change the things I can...he's going to either follow the agreement he approved, or we will adjust his child support so that I can afford to hire a babysitter and get a much needed break every now and then. His child support is based on # of overnights per year, and goes up with the fewer overnights he has. Actually, I prefer the latter. I am not going to watch my kids continue to be emotionally abused by this man. After all, that was one of the reasons I got out to begin with. For once in his life he is being held accountable, and has consequences for his actions.
If I sound a little like a mama bear, it's because I am!! And, by the way, he is dry. I suspect prescription pain med abuse, and I'd just as soon not have my kids around that either.
So I am going to change the things I can...he's going to either follow the agreement he approved, or we will adjust his child support so that I can afford to hire a babysitter and get a much needed break every now and then. His child support is based on # of overnights per year, and goes up with the fewer overnights he has. Actually, I prefer the latter. I am not going to watch my kids continue to be emotionally abused by this man. After all, that was one of the reasons I got out to begin with. For once in his life he is being held accountable, and has consequences for his actions.
If I sound a little like a mama bear, it's because I am!! And, by the way, he is dry. I suspect prescription pain med abuse, and I'd just as soon not have my kids around that either.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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I never co-parented with my youngest daughter's father (he's been in AA for 33+ years now). He had no desire to be a parent.
Therefore I was a single parent, and I think I did a darned good job of it too!
Therefore I was a single parent, and I think I did a darned good job of it too!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by blessed4x 
Oh my, this was timely! I'm contacting my attorney tomorrow to see if we can modify the agreement....we have 30 days before it's set in stone. XAH hasn't called any of the kids in 2 weeks, hasn't seen the younger 2 since Father's Day, and I took them over then. Missed his first 2 scheduled visitations since we finalized....when I texted him to ask if he was picking the kids up or wanted me to drop off, he replied "sorry--DON'T EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN". He has refused to come out of his house to even see the kids and won't take their phone calls even though he signed the parenting plan that states they can have daily contact with him by phone.
How sad is that?
I am so glad those kids have you for a mother! :ghug2 :ghug2
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I was hoping I would open this and there'd be a simple A, B, C of how to co-parent with an alcoholic who is still drinking and not attending counseelin/AA/whatever.
because although it is easier than living with him, and the children are adjusting, it's still very difficult. I know alot of this is down to poor communication between us, and happens between newly seperated parents with none of the added extras that we bring to the table (alcoholism, depression, social anxiety, codependent behaviours etc). But I do think it adds an extra dimension.
For example, I won't let ds (6) stay over with AH until he has given up drinking and it has "stuck" for 3-6 months. I havn't left the children with DH overnight for years because of his drinking and passing out, leaving son alone in the house whilst he went to get more beer, passing out and leaving strange men to roam round our house and get into bed with our child.....
....so I don't think I'm being unreasonable, this isn't about control, it's about responsibility.
DS is upset that he can't, AH is using this as a guilt-trip to try and get me to change my mind (because he's "cut down, don't you see?" He "barely drinks anymore", it's "different this time" DO I "honestly think he would endanger his child by drinking?" - see above, I have to stop "bringing up the past" or else...) INSTEAD of giving up drinking now (which he says he is going to do..... which would solve the problem in a few months time.
Every time we have a conversation I come out of it my head whirling having to pick it to pieces to tease out the relevant or okay stuff, and things wher ehe has a point that I bear some responsibility, from the totally manipulative bonkers stuff.
To his credit he loves his children and wants to be involved in their lives: they love him, this can only be a good thing
because although it is easier than living with him, and the children are adjusting, it's still very difficult. I know alot of this is down to poor communication between us, and happens between newly seperated parents with none of the added extras that we bring to the table (alcoholism, depression, social anxiety, codependent behaviours etc). But I do think it adds an extra dimension.
For example, I won't let ds (6) stay over with AH until he has given up drinking and it has "stuck" for 3-6 months. I havn't left the children with DH overnight for years because of his drinking and passing out, leaving son alone in the house whilst he went to get more beer, passing out and leaving strange men to roam round our house and get into bed with our child.....
....so I don't think I'm being unreasonable, this isn't about control, it's about responsibility.
DS is upset that he can't, AH is using this as a guilt-trip to try and get me to change my mind (because he's "cut down, don't you see?" He "barely drinks anymore", it's "different this time" DO I "honestly think he would endanger his child by drinking?" - see above, I have to stop "bringing up the past" or else...) INSTEAD of giving up drinking now (which he says he is going to do..... which would solve the problem in a few months time.
Every time we have a conversation I come out of it my head whirling having to pick it to pieces to tease out the relevant or okay stuff, and things wher ehe has a point that I bear some responsibility, from the totally manipulative bonkers stuff.
To his credit he loves his children and wants to be involved in their lives: they love him, this can only be a good thing
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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I am very sorry to hear about all of your situations. Don't know if this is the "right" place to say this, but your pain helps me to see what I missed out on with my ex. We talked about getting pregnant this fall and I have been excitedly awaiting starting a family for several years. I really want children and have reached an age where it needs to be sooner than later. This desire for a family has been one of the reasons I have been so upset.
Reading your posts and remembering events with my own parents makes me relaize that I am glad not to have had babies with that man. I would be livid if he left and hurt kids.
I am very sorry that your partners have done those things to you.
Miss
Reading your posts and remembering events with my own parents makes me relaize that I am glad not to have had babies with that man. I would be livid if he left and hurt kids.
I am very sorry that your partners have done those things to you.
Miss
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I feel like I almost have the opposite problem. My STBXAH wants to be TOO involved--and sometimes I feel like he's doing it just to be clingy and not give ME my space instead of because he sincerely wants more time with dd. Case in point, today is her birthday, and she's having a friends party at my parents house. Even though he had her this weekend, and already HAD a party for her at his sisters house on Sunday, he's now claiming he's going to drive the hours distance we live away from him after he gets off work at 7, just so he can "see her on her birthday". Nevermind that he has to be at work in the morning out where he lives, and that we are leaving for vacation in two days and need the time to pack, etc. etc. I guess I won't stop him if he really wants to come over to take her out for ice cream or something, but I can't shake the feeling that what he really wants is to NOT LET GO of the fact that we are getting DIVORCED.
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Originally Posted by Mambo Queen
what he really wants is to NOT LET GO of the fact that we are getting DIVORCED.
You hit the target with that one sentence. It's all part of the "clinging on", and the sneaky way they worm themselves back into our lives.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
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Sounds terrible. Makes you wonder whether contact with their father was more harmful to your kids than beneficial? They sound like teenagers now - have you suggested Al-ateen to your kids? I have a little bun in the oven at the moment but one day when he becomes a teenager, I will suggest he attends. It's so hard for them - and they are more likely to become alcoholics themselves with an alcoholic parent so that makes me want to protect my child as best I can.
but one day when he becomes a teenager, I will suggest he attends. It's so hard for them - and they are more likely to become alcoholics themselves with an alcoholic parent so that makes me want to protect my child as best I can.
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