TrainWreckAgain

So... walk journey in this alternate universe of addiction and co-dependence recently got rockier...

For a while, I suspected that during the last year as my AGF spiraled down deeper into addiction, that she was being unfaithful. I recenlty learned, with 100% certainty, that she was. Obviously, this has just added insult to injury, and is the source of a great deal of anger and resentment.

I understand that infidelity often ends up being part of this toxic brew and am wondering how others have dealt with it.

I find myself struggling to understand how much of it was driven by the disease and being just completely loaded vs. how much of it was just who she is.

Bernadette

I find myself struggling to understand how much of it was driven by the disease and being just completely loaded vs. how much of it was just who she is.

It just doesn't matter! Is cheating an acceptable behavior?
Many addicts are never unfaithful.
Many non-addicts are.

Behavior tells you everything you need to know about a person. No excuses.

What a total drag to find this out about your GF.

(((((TWA)))))
peace,
b

FSquared

You will be looking for the answer for "why" for the rest of your life. The truth is, you wouldn't recognize the truth from the other untruths anyway. I know I don't. What matters is what you do with it. As I shared last night...sometimes we can do the wrong things...and in doing so, we're only hurting ourselves more.

Looking at it another way, I suppose we think if we convince ourselves of a particular "reason" for their actions, then we can assign the blame for the hurt to that, and in doing so, avoid responsibility for our own feelings and actions and for our part in a dysfunctional relationship.

Freedom1990

I was unfaithful during my first marriage while I was still actively using/drinking. He divorced me, and rightfully so. He deserved far better than what he was getting, and went on to marry a wonderful woman. They are still married 28 years later.

I take full responsibility for what I did to that marriage.

TrainWreckAgain

My trap is in part, that I am an engineer. My default response is to try to understand the reason for things.

I was talking with an Al Anon friend this morning, and he said to me, "Stop looking for reason where none exists." Intellectually I know that I will never get the answer to why, but emotionally I still want it.

I think that part of wanting to understand the reason is also to help me not take it personally. I can deal with many things... even rejection... but being cheated on is emotionally differrent for me. Not sure why, it just is.

Freedom1990

We delude ourselves into thinking if we do indeed know why that we will somehow feel better.

The few times I have actually understood why, it didn't make me feel any better.

All of the things your AGF has done have everything to do with her, and nothing to do with you. That's the truth.

Startingover2

I was cheated on during my marriage to exah (even when I was pregnant). I felt it was me and my shortcomings. I don't know if he was unfaithful more during his drinking times or if he was just sloppier at covering his tracks. Not sure. Either way, cheating is wrong and it cuts the other person to the core.

What I have learned in this last year is that he cheated on the woman he cheated on me with...he has yet another new girlfriend (who left her husband for him) and has already cheated on her! These are only the ones I know about, I imagine there are many more I don't know about.

The cheating isn't about you! Its about him being such a pity of a person and human being.

All I can say is if you can get far, far away from the madness.

JimBeam

I've been in your shoes when we were dating. I didn't have the courage to leave. Here I am today. Take my life as a warning too you. If she cheats before you marry trust me she'll cheat afterwards.

Looking for a reason? This is a natural response. You didn't do anything to cause it. She made the choice and should live with the consequences. I heard though that "victims" of infidelity can suffer symptoms similar to post tramatic stress. Replaying and imagining in their minds. Feeling guilty, etc.... The study found that sometimes some people are just unfaithful, period. No reason. This is hard to take that they could be so casual with our feelings, but it's their defect not yours.

If I could have a do over, I would have moved on. I needed to value myself more than I did. Think about it.

prodigal

It hurts when we are betrayed this way. And as Bernadette said, drinking doesn't have to be part of the cheating. Unfortunately, you don't have to be part of the equation either. Alcohol certainly lessens one's inhibitions, and I can see where it could lead to being unfaithful, but it leads to other problems as well - lying, manipulating, DUI's, financial problems, etc. I used to ask, "Why?" often. And I found it made me angrier and crazier. I actually confronted my AH one time and got an answer that expunged him of any responsibility for his drinking and sounded so illogical that I understood I was not going to get a rational response.

My AH is an engineer, has his P.E., a grad degree in engineering, the works.
I can tell you, with certainty, that there IS one engineer in this world who prefers to drink himself into a stupor rather than to try to understand the reason for anything....

MissFixit

Hi,

For me the infidelity is a different animal to "get over." There are the years of living with the trauma of an active A and the lying and other behaviors. Infidelity has been a separate issue that is related directly to the drinking, but affects me as a woman differently. My self esteem was hit pretty hard as was my lovability and desirability. I work on these issues within me by journaling, talking things out when I get stuck and re-entering the world ( I was walking today and a man running checked me out and asked how I was doing). Small things, but they help me to see that I am attractive and desirable.

Miss

BS08

This one has been hard for me too. My exabf started a flirtation at work with another woman when I started making him responsible for his behavior and then finally broke up with me to start with her once I told him his behavior was not acceptable. I also feel that he did sleep with her the week before he broke up with me since I woke up at 2am to find him sleeping on the couch and in the morning he came into the bedroom, knelt down at my head, and held me. I felt the guilt but just couldn't ask. I just said "it's okay if you couldn't sleep (he was always a troubled sleeper due to the pot and alcohol but had never slept on the couch before.)" and left it at that. Deep inside, I know he did, but I just can't accept that. It makes it much more painful.

He had invited her to parties when I wasn't there, she had invited him to sleep over one night, it was heartbreaking to find out, and I honestly don't know if I will ever get over the pain of the deceit and that he made a concious choice to do that to me.

But I just keep telling myself, I didn't do anything wrong. He failed me, and he's not strong enough to be with me. I keep telling myself I deserve better.

I dream of someday getting an apology, just for him to acknowledge the pain that he has put me through, but I know I will never get it. He doesn't care past himself, and it has nothing to do with me. I try to remind myself that if I felt insecure with him now, I was only heading down to a lifetime of feeling that way and dealing with it. Life's too short, and I'm worth more. We all are.

If they don't want to be in your life, let them go. As Melody says in her book, the ones that really care about us and are good for us stay.

I also believe totally in Karma. His life will never be right unless he does right by others. When your soul is damaged and you have to run away all the time, you'll never have peace within yourself.

The deceit and blow to your soul is really hard, but to keep trying to figure it out will only tear you up inside. Have compassion for someone who has such a tortured soul and be thankful that you aren't plagued with that problem.

But it does still hurt.....

KittyTET

I'm so, so sorry that you are having to deal with these feelings of confusion and hurt right now. If you have followed my thread at all ("How Quickly the Tables Can Turn"), then you know that I recently found out my AH had an affair on me, too. He keeps trying to tell me and others that it wasn't "him" who cheated on me, it was his disease. While I understand that he may not have cheated on me had he not been an alcoholic, I have told him numerous times that he cannot use his alcoholism as the basis for an insanity plea. Probably the only thing that could have gotten him off the hook would have been to find out that he does actually have a split personality disorder, which he does not. Therefore, he simply MUST take responsibility for this. He actually said to me the other day, "I was born with this disease. Would you yell at your grandfather for having arthritis?" My reply: "So, if I develop arthritis in a few years, can I then go out and sleep with anyone I want to?" His logic just makes NO sense.

Anyway, I obviously do not really have any advice for you since I'm totally confused at the moment myself, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I also agree that you should not take her actions personally. I know my AH loves me and didn't intend to hurt me (only because didn't think I'd ever find out), so I don't take his affair personally. I do, however, feel that he knew what he was doing when he did it, drunk or not, and after all that he had already put me through the affair was just a giant final slap in the face. It woke me up, alright. I've got an appointment with my divorce attorney today at noon.

Good luck to you. Just live life one cliche at a time, like me. Today's cliche: That which does not kill me....

benham

I stole this from my morning readings:

I'm very sorry man. I easily know that would be my worst fear, especially since my alcoholic is my wife. My thought would be to determine what is acceptable or unacceptable and base your decisions on that.

TakingCharge999

Dear TrainWreckAgain,

When I knew the ex had someone else almost right away after the breakup and I was fed lines about earlier cheating (not sure if they were true but oh did the "suspicion" hurt as hell) it hurt me so much... especially remembering previous comments he had made about her, how pretty and sexy she was...

I felt humiliated and treated as dirt.

I felt I had let madman out with a knife, wreaking havoc inside my heart.

I know it does not seem like that, but knowing this will help you move forward and heal faster. It is true it does not matter if it was addiction or not. It really does not matter.

It all felt so personal, but you need to repeat it over and over THIS IS NOT BEEN DONE TO YOU PERSONALLY. We all give others what we have.

The 1st step is to be honest with yourself. People can die without taking the 1st step. If people cannot be BRUTALLY HONEST with themselves, they will cheat, lie, manipulate, deceive, steal, take drugs, drink, go from one partner to the other, etc. etc. you were made for so much more...

Be honest with yourself and clean your own side of the street, just as with alcohol, we cannot control, cure or cause anything bad others have done, so stop carrying it, its not yours.

smacked

I was a total drunk for the past 14 years that I have known my now husband. And drug addict. Blasted out of my mind most days on one thing or another. I was never unfaithful.. that's a different animal completely. Sure I f'd up tons of other stuff in my life, but that was a line I personally never crossed. I don't think it's a general or natural part of any type of addiction, well other than sex addiction maybe.

tigerfan

Hey TWA,

I hear your pain... I walked in on wife naked with someone else. She was as drunk as i'd ever seen her. It was a one night stand. For her that was her bottom - she is now 6 months sober, and working hard on her recovery. Of that I am proud of her for.

From my crappy internet reading, you may never find an answer to that question. There may never be one. It helped me in my recovery (and our marriage) to admit she had screwed up, and to work hard on her recovery, to make sure it never happens again.

If you want to know my opinion on my wife only, I think it was a combination of adolescent experiences, alcohol and other psychological issues. I've accepted that I will never know the individual reason. Sober, it is not something in her nature.

As long as my wife remains serious about her recovery, there won't be an issue. She knows that one more drink is a marriage killer. That is the line in the sand i have drawn.

ellima01

Mine cheated on me with 2 OW- i was blindsided after 6 years of marriagw. I trusted he was faithful to me 100%- then couple mths ago he left me and I found out everything.He is home now- it is very hard. I think his addiction causes him to b so unhappy he had to blame it on something- that something was me.He thought I was causing all his unhappiness- not the alcohol.

artistatlarge

My husband finally stopped drinking after 30 years. He hid it REALLY well. I had my suspicions 10 years ago and asked him then if he had a problem. I think he hit his bottom a year ago when I found him face down in the basement asleep. Before that I discovered he had a history of escort websites on his computer. The websites were of escort services in the cities he had been traveling in. He said he was just looking at them (like porn). I was obviously freaked out. I found the same again a couple of months later. There's more to this story but, not worth going into. We had started having intimacy issues years before. He traveled a lot, I was raising two kids, I was a frustrated artist. I was very lonely, he didn't seem to need me. In retrospect, it was the alcohol, low self esteem etc. I fell in love with some one else during this time. My husband just wasn't there emotionally. I tried to get him to see a marriage counselor but he refused. In fact, he still refuses though he has changed radically and hasn't had a drink in over 8 months. He goes to AA meetings 7 or more times each week. He is really trying. I put my love for the other man aside some time ago though I still feel thankful he was there. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through those really horrible years without him. My husband wouldn't still exist as a couple now and we would have not have made it through to finish raising our kids. I don't see his infidelities (he never admitted to anything and probably never will) as separate from the drinking. I think he feels so bad about how he lived all those years in an alcohol haze (it's easy to hide when you travel a week out of every month). He's trying to become the person he always wanted to be and to like himself. He has become likable. He is now so much more like the person I married 23 years ago. I don't know how he got lost but I'm glad he's finding himself now. I am learning to trust that he'll be there for me and that he actually loves me. I have my bad days but they are fewer and fewer. Good luck.